Rockin Robin starts of the festivities by singing America the Beautiful. Good on her for trying, but it’s horrible.
Jesse Ventura, who is on the mic for this event, says “She better keep her day job”. Jesse is never afraid to make the tough calls. I wonder if this is the same thing that happen with WM1 where Mean Gene had to sing as the original performer “no showed” the event.
1. King Haku vs. Hercules
Fresh off his win at the ’89 Royal Rumble against a senior citizen, King Haku prepares to kick off Wrestlemania against Hercules.
This is going to be a pure power match. I really don’t like pure power matches. In the storyline, Hercules has just turned face, angry at how Bobby “The Brain” Heenan treated him. As the action starts off Gorilla weighs on why Hercules might be mad at Heenan – “He was treated like a slave, without even being consulted”.
Does Gorilla think it’s fine to be treated like a slave as long as you’re asked first?
Anyway, Hercules wins on an easy suplex. It’s a very uneventful ending
Overall: Dull start
2. The Rockers vs The Twin Towers
The Rockers always keep the action fast and strong. Lots of high flying moves and quick tags to keep the action moving. The first five minutes of the match are great while the Rockers have control.
Once the Twin Towers take control the match slows right down. It makes sense, they are each 380 pounds, they can’t move very quickly.
The momentum swings and the Rockers get back on offense. Yes! Back to high flying moves and a ton of great excitement!
That is the hardest clothesline I’ve ever seen. Immediately after this match, Akeem was investigated for attempted murder. If Shawn Michaels was Music Streaming, that clothesline was Taylor Swift.
Eventually everyone gets into the ring which usually signals the end of the match. And yep, Big Boss Man catches Michaels off the top rope and slams him, Akeem comes in for the pin and it’s all over.
Overall: If that Shawn Michaels was Mad Max Fury Road, that clothesline was the Avengers.
3. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake vs “Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase (with Virgil)
Wow, could they not just get two homeless guys to fight for the mid card? This is going to suck. Dibiase is a competent wrestler, but he just matches the pace of whoever he is with. He doesn’t escalate the match, he just keeps up with it. If he’s against a fantastic wrestler, he can keep up and have a great bout. However if he’s against Brutus Beefcake…
I feel sort of bad for Beefcake. It’s pretty clear that he really, really wanted to be Hogan. If you watch a Beefcake match, you’re watching a Hogan match, just without Hogan. And guess what makes a Hogan match exciting?
This match was billed as the battle of the sleeper holds because it was both of their finishing moves. They both manage to slap it on, but to no avail. They end up counted out of the ring and this match ends
Overall: I am feeling shades of WM 2
4. Fabulous Rougeaus vs The Fucking Buckwhackers
Gang. Come on. I like the Rougeaus well enough, but The Fucking Bushwhackers are like Hacksaw Jim Duggan times two.
I’m not sure I can do this. I’ll try though.
This match is so boring, Gorilla and Jesse barely call the action in the ring and instead get into a heated argument about immigration. Interestingly, we learn Jesse is pro-immigration and anti-bullying.
Alright, so the Rougeaus control the pace of this match and beat up the Bushwhackers for awhile. I’m pretty supportive of this. Then the Bushwhackers do this stupid headbutt move and win. They are terrible and the win is terrible
Overall: And they should feel terrible
5. Mr Perfect vs. The Blue Blazer
Yes! Jesse calls this the sleeper matchup of WM5 and I agree with him. I’m so excited for this match, I’m actually going to watch it.
3 minutes in and I’ve already seen 14 more interesting moves than in the total history of the Bushwhackers career. Owen Hart aka The Blue Blazer is pulling out all the stops. Crazy reversals, tons of aerial moves, it’s just great. They give Owen the chance to go on the offence for a bit before Perfect switches it up and puts him away with the perfect plex. I guess at this point in his career Hart was kind of a jobber to put over the up and comers, so no real surprise that he lost
Overall: Great match, just over really fast
6. Tag Team Title Match: Demolition vs. The Powers of Pain and Mr. Fuji
This is the match everyone’s been waiting for since Powers of Pain started in the WWE. As the match starts, I’m immediately confused because Demolition is not coming in to the correct theme music. It sounds like an instrumental version of “Here comes the Ax, here comes the Smasher, the Demolition, walking disaster”.
Well, this has put me off.
I’m expecting a match that is non stop punching and kicking, interspersed with a ton of rest moves. Let’s see what happens.
Hm, exactly that. The Powers of Pain suffer from what I’m going to dub “The Cena Condition”. The Cena Condition ™ is when you’re on the receiving end of punishment, you dutifully sell the move and pretend like you’re hurt. The very second the offense shifts, you’re back at it like nothing happened. You show no after-effects from the 10 minute beating you took.
Same problem here. The Powers are just so wooden. They’re obviously just going through the motions of wrestling.
The match is pretty lopsided in favor of Demolition. They end up nailing Fuji with their finisher and they get the pin.
Overall: Pretty weak match considering the build up
7. Dino Bravo vs. Rugged Ronnie Garvin
How is this a Wrestlemania-worthy mach? Why did they announce Jimmy Snuka? What is even happening?
The crowd is virtually silent for this match as 67% left to get more beer. Gorilla generously positions it by saying “the crowd seems in awe here”.
After a 6 minute match where nothing much happens, Dino hits the side suplex for the win.
Overall: Seriously, why did they announce Snuka? Was he involved somehow?
8. The Brain Busters vs. Strike Force
Hmm, we are on the 4th tag team match of the night, with still another one to come. I am getting pretty tired of tag matches, but I am super pumped to watch Tito Santana wrestle.
What do you want to bet are the odds I’ll screen cap Tito giving the flying forearm?
I guess it’s just a measure of how dominant the early 90’s was for tag teams. They just had a ton of talent.
This match is fast paced, dynamic with a ton of great moves. I would have loved to have seen Strike Force vs. The Rockers. As the match goes on, Tito accidentally hits Martel with the Flying Forearm (see above) and the Brain Busters get the momentum.
Oh, I see, this is the heel turn for Martel. Tito goes for the tag and Martel ignores him and walks away to the boos of the crowd. I guess he did not at all care for getting hit with that sweet flying forearm
With Tito at a huge disadvantage the Brain Busters get the win pretty easily
Overall: Matches that are entire constructs to engineer a face turn are usually pretty uneventful
Interlude: Piper’s Pit
This entire sequence goes on for about 15 minutes and is long and fairly pointless. I’m not sure what the point is, but it ends up with Piper spraying Morton Downey Sr. in the face with a fire extinguisher. That is probably the best sentence I’ll ever type.
9. Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. Andre The Giant
I’m not expecting too much from this match. Jake has a pretty limited arsenal and Andre can barely move. Interestingly, they’ve added Big John Studd as the guest referee. I bet he’s going to interfere.
The match kicks off with Andre on the immediate offence. The entire event is a one sided beating. Jake tries a couple of moments to turn the tide with some punches and knees, but it doesn’t take.
Eventually a bunch of stuff happens. Jake goes for the snake, Dibiase for some reason interferes and runs off with Damian and Andre and Studd start fighting
Jake gets the snake back, throws him into the ring and Andre gets out of dodge. Jake Roberts wins by disqualification
Overall: What a dumb match and a stupid Wrestlemania
10. Greg Valentine and Honky Tonk Man vs. Hart Foundation
Gang, I’m having trouble getting psyched up for this. Too many tag matches and too many shitty fights in this event for me to care.
The match starts off really energetically. The Hart foundation go on early offense and just embarrass Valentine and Honky. Honky gets the upper hand and really surprisingly pulls of a Shake Rattle and Roll on Bret Hart. Rather than going for the pin, they just keep beating up on him. Eventually Bret makes the tag into Neidhart and he comes in a house of fire.
They end up going after Jimmy Hart, getting his megaphone and hitting Honky Tonk with it for the pin.
Overall: This has been a long Wrestlemania with lots of filler. Jesus Christ, there’s still so much more to go
11. Intercontinental Match: Ultimate Warrior vs. Ravishing Rick Rude
Alright, the Ultimate Warrior. He pumps everyone up and doesn’t know how to have a slow match. Just what I needed to wake up.
This match is all Warrior just rag dolling Rick Rude. It’s just power slam after power slam. Rude eventually (and impressively) lands a drop kick off the top rope and it barely fazes the Warrior. Next up is a piledriver by Rude and the Warrior is slowed down.
The momentum shifts and while the Warrior has the upper hand, he completely botches a move. He goes for two backbreakers in a row and basically falls over on the second one.
The match ends when Heenan interferes from outside the ring and holds Ultimate Warriors legs down after a suplex. Rude is the new Intercontinental champ!
Overall: Warrior sort of sucks actually
12. Bad News Brown vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan
The rumor is that BNB was originally supposed to be pushed much harder than he was, and he was pretty pissed off as a result, which resulted with his early departure from the WWE
I’m really hoping Brown just kicks the ever-loving holy shit out of Hacksaw. But no. This match is literally just a bunch of punches. Both these guys are horrible and this match is terrible.
Overall: Worst match of the night.
13. Bobby Heenan vs. The Red Rooster
I am not going to dignify this match with a review, but the whole thing lasts longer than a high school kid with his smoking hot date on his prom night. I’m sure many will agree that both of these scenarios was not satisfying at all.
14. Heavyweight Championship Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Macho Man Randy Savage
Here we go, the big one. This is easily the biggest Wrestlemania Match since Hogan / Andre from WM III. The buildup to this was immense, the Mega Powers storyline was so perfectly executed – this was the WWE in their heyday.
Hogan and Macho spend the opening minutes of this match running around the ring and engaging the audience. Then Hogan actually does a move. Like an actual wrestling move, a leg takedown. I am astounded. I don’t think I’ve seen Hogan actually wrestle before. Macho brings out the best in everyone.
Hogan starts bleeding about 10 minutes into the match, and I have no idea how it happened. I didn’t see any cut, so he may have actually gotten hit. Surprisingly for Hogan, he does a pretty good job selling Macho’s moves.
The momentum switches back and forth with tons of action inside and outside the ring. Macho spends a lot of the match yelling at Elizabeth, firmly establishing himself as the heel in this one.
Macho spends some time working on Hogan’s throat before going for the big flying elbow off the top rope. Hogan completely no-sells it, Hulks right the fuck out, and gets the pin.
Overall: A great match and a great addition to both their legacies