1. The Rougeaus vs. The Fucking Bushwhackers
It’s no secret how much I hate the fucking Bushwhackers. I just cannot fathom the popularity of these two mutants.
Let’s not even bother with this one, gang. We know what’s going to happen. Rougeaus will try to wrestle, Bushwhackers will be goddamn assholes. Who cares? Bushwhackers eventually win with a headbutt.
Overall: You know what, that actually wasn’t a bad match. I should have recapped it
2. The Genius Lanny Poffo vs. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
The only comfort I’m taking from these horrible C-list bouts is that these guys won’t be in the Royal Rumble. What’s surprising is how big a pop Beefcake gets. Guys, do you think Poffo rehearses for matches the same way his brother Macho Man does?
This match is very few moves and mostly Beefcake making fun of Poffo for being gay. Even though I’m not sure Poffo is gay. Or why Poffo’s genius character would find that insulting. Is it because he’s a poet? Are all poets gay?
This match is a real piece of shit. It makes me long for the Fucking Bushwhackers. Beefcake gets the sleeper on Poffo and cuts his hair. Mr. Perfect runs out and interferes. Either setting up a feud or continuing one I guess.
Overall: We all know the best part of Royal Rumbles is not the singles matches
3. Submission Match: Ronnie Garvin vs. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Wow. This is a real terrible mid-card leading up to the Royal Rumble. Full transparency – I started reviewing this late at night, and couldn’t do it. I had to quit and go to bed.
Okay, it’s the next day now. I’m prepped to watch this. It’s billed as a submission match, where the only way to win is (surprise!) through submission. It starts off really quickly with Ronnie Garvin on offense. Very quickly the match degenerates into an exchange of blows and Valentine high tails it out of the ring
To be clear, there is no wrestling in this match at all. It is all punches and headbutts. I’m trying to think of something clever or funny to write, but there’s nothing to this one.
So I guess that was actually a work, Ronnie Garvin is wearing something called a “Hammer Jammer” which blocks a figure four I guess. Anyhoo, this match just goes on forever, with a variety of submission moves going back and forth. No wrestling though.
The one interesting highlight is when Ronnie Garvin slaps on the Sharpshooter, a good few years before Hitman would do it. They call it a “reverse figure four”. The move – whatever it’s called – works and Ronnie Garvin gets the submission
Overall: Thank god this is over. Whew. That was a long one.
4. Big Boss Man vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Wow. Wow. Wow. Bushwhackers, Ronnie Garvin and Hacksaw in back to back matches. This is incredible. It’s like Vince Mcmahon booked this event specifically to piss me off.
The only real surprise about this one is that it goes on longer than 10 minutes (I didn’t think Hacksuck could do longer matches).
It ends when Big Boss Man gets disqualified for hitting Hacksuck with a nightstick. Then Hacksuck hits everyone with his 2×4.
Overall: I don’t think I have ever seen Hacksuck win a match on a clean pin
5. The Royal Rumble
The first 10 minutes: 1. Ted Dibiase / 2. Koko B. Ware / 3. Marty Jannetty / 4. Jake Roberts / 5. Macho Man / 6. Roddy Piper
Last year Dibiase drew number 30 and this year he gets number 1. Fortunately he only needs to square off against Koko B Ware, who is really on the sunset of his career at this point. Dibiase eliminates him before the next guy even comes out. And the next guy is Marty Jannetty! Jannetty gives it a good run, but Dibiase manages to eliminate him after about a minute
Jake Roberts is next and the crowd goes nuts. I don’t think Dibiase is going to get him quite as quickly and the two of them have a good 2 minute run. Next up is the Macho Man. Him and Dibiase quickly start double teaming the Snake. Piper comes in next, the crowd loses their minds and Piper cleans house. All four quickly settle into a bunch of separate punching matches
Minutes 10 – 20: 7. The Warlord / 8. Bret Hart / 9. Bad News Brown / 10. Dusty Rhodes / 11. Andre the Giant
The Warlord comes in next, taking his time to get to the ring. He goes right after Jake and Piper, who staggers the Warlord with a series of punches. More fighting for the next 2 minute segment, but no eliminations. Bret Hart is the next entrant and comes in to a huge pop followed by Bad News Brown. Jake Roberts goes for the DDT on Dibiase and Macho Man uses the opportunity to clothesline him out of the ring. Dusty Rhodes is in next and goes right after Macho, who tries the same trick that eliminated Jake.
Number 11 is announced and it’s big old Andre. He immediately eliminates the Warlord and there’s just six men left in the ring.
Minutes 20 – 30: 12. The Red Rooster / 13. Ax / 14. Haku / 15. Smash / 16. Akeem
Red Rooster comes in next and this is an obvious game changer. He should completely dominate the entire ring – HA. Instead Bad News Brown is eliminated by Piper. Bad News does not care for this, so he pulls Piper right out after him. They calmly discuss this turn of events all the way back to the dressing room.
As Ax runs into the ring, the Red Rooster is “blink and you’ll miss it” eliminated by Andre. Haku is the next man in, and Jesse Ventura informs us that Haku and Andre are in a tag team. When did that happen? Smash is number 15 into the ring and we’re at the halfway mark. So far, this is a pretty by-the-books Royal Rumble.
Akeem is number 16 to bring us into the 2nd half. He waddles down to the ring, his fat ham face sweating with excitement, Ax and Smash manage to eliminate Andre and as the crowd is reacting, someone also eliminates Bret Hart. Not sure who got him out and neither is Jesse.
Minutes 20 – 30 : 17. Superfly Jimmy Snuka / 18. Dino Bravo / 19. Earthquake / 20. The Anvil Jim Neidhart / 21. The Ultimate Warrior
Shithouse Crazy Superfly saunters in and pretty easily eliminates Akeem. Like effortlessly. So we’re back to six guys in the ring – Dusty, Dibiase (still hanging on!), Ax, Smash, Haku and Superfly. Strongman Dino Bravo is next, followed by The Canadian Earthquake. I guess that’s why they eliminated Akeem, because how could you tell those two fat assholes apart? Earthquake makes his presence felt by eliminating Dusty Rhodes and Ax. Haku seems startled.
The Anvil runs in a house of hire and immediately goes after Earthquake. He gets him in the corner and the remaining 5 guys team up to throw him out. Number 21 is…. The Ultimate Warrior! I captured a gif of him eliminating Dino Bravo because honestly – the Warrior is just the shittiest wrestler there ever was. Watch this.
So clumsy.
Minutes 30 – 40 : 22. Rick Martel / 23. Tito Santana / 24. Honky Tonk Man / 25. Hulk Hogan / 26. Shawn Michaels
At the top of the half hour, Rick Martel enters at number 22. With no fanfare at all, Haku eliminates Smash. They really are keeping the numbers thin in this Royal Rumble. I don’t think there’s been any point so far where there’s been more than 8 guys in the ring at once. Tito Santana comes in at the 23 spot and goes right after the Model. Tito is still wearing his Strike Force tights, 2 years after the tag team disbanded.
Honky Tonk comes into the ring and gets immediately set on by the Warrior. While that’s going on, Neidhart gets eliminated by Haku and out of nowhere, the Warrior eliminates the Million Dollar Man. That was a strange, non-eventful end to what was about a 35 minute run.
Hogan is up next and the crowd goes nuts. Easily the biggest pop of the night. He goes right after Snuka and eliminates him. Then he takes out Haku. Right after that Santana gets eliminated by Martel with help from the Warrior. We’ve got 4 guys left, with 5 more people left to come into the ring.
Shawn Michaels runs in and within 7 seconds, Hogan and Warrior eliminate him, Honky Tonk and Rick Martel. It’s just Hogan and the Warrior left
They fight and double clothesline each other
Minutes 40 – 50 : 27. The Barbarian / 28. Rick Rude / 29. Hercules / 30. Mr Perfect
When the Barbarian comes in, Hogan and Warrior have knocked each other out, so the Barbarian has a pretty easy time of it. Rick Rude runs in next, and I’m not super clear if he came in legally or if he came in prematurely. There was no countdown, so I’m not sure exactly what happened there.
As Warrior is getting pushed out by Rude and The Barbarian, Hogan knocks them from behind, tipping the Warrior out. Warrior is super pissed at Hogan eliminating him, so he runs back into the ring, clotheslines Rude and Barbarian and then sprints back to the dressing room. It makes no sense whatsoever. I’ll let the announcers explain it better:
Ventura – “He’s an idiot“
So Herc is the penultimate joiner and he gives Hogan a much needed breather. At to finish it off, Mr. Perfect comes in. Hercules manages to eliminate the Barbarian and Rude takes out Herc. Perfect eliminates Rude and it’s just Hogan and Perfect left. Perfect slaps on the perfect plex and Hulk Hulks the Fuck Out and wins the match.
Winner: Hogan!
Overall: This was a really boring Royal Rumble.
