1. Ted Dibiase vs. Razor Ramon
Finally, they’ve officially made Razor Ramon a face. He brings the crowd to their feet as he saunters to the ring with casual arrogance
Ramon controls this match from start to finish. Dibiase never had a chance. He’s basically there just to firmly put Ramon over. He’s almost a jobber.
Dibiase puts on a little bit of offense, but it’s just killing time until Ramon takes over and slaps on the Razor’s Edge.
Overall: Always fun to watch a Razor Ramon match
2. Tag Team Title Match: Heavenly Bodies (Tom Pritchard and Jimmy Del Rey) vs. Steiner Brothers
It’s great when MacMahon needs to fill a slot and rushes in some nobodies. The Heavenly Bodies were only in the WWE for about 2 years and were utterly unforgettable. The Steiner brothers tear them apart for awhile before losing momentum.
Scott Steiner is thrown out of the ring and while the ref is counting angrily at him…
.. and one of the Heavenly bodies hits Rick with a tennis racket. It doesn’t matter though, Rick is like “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” and the Steiners hit the Frankensteiner for the win
Overall: “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” is a comeback that works in 95% of situations
3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Perfect
Well this could be an interesting little match. These guys are two very technical, very talented guys. I’m hoping for a good show.
Whenever two guys like this wrestle, it’s all capital-W wrestling. Lots of quick reversals, fast moves and random backflips off the top rope
It wouldn’t be a Shawn Michaels match if he didn’t completely over sell every move. He’s great. Midway through the match, Michaels starts aggressively going after Mr. Perfects back. Perfect manages to power through and slaps the Perfect Plex on Michaels. Diesal interferes and the match ends with a count out of Perfect. Garbage. The crowd immediately starts booing.
Overall: Good match, shitty ending
4. IRS vs. 123 Kid
123 Kid makes his PPV debut. I just realized this is also the first PPV that starred (almost) all the members of The Kliq – Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Razor Ramon and this skinny loser
123 Kid matches tended to follow a pretty standard template. The bigger wrestler (everyone) beats Kid like a 6 year old wrestling against a stuffed bear and then the 123 Kid manages to fluke out a win.
Not this time though!
There wasn’t even a finishing move, IRS basically just punched him unconscious
Overall: The match was fine
5. Bret Hart vs. Jerry Lawler / Doink the Clown
Jesus Christ, Jerry Lawler has to be 55 years old at this point. He comes down to the ring in crutches, and says he can’t wrestle and instead Doink will take his place.
Here is a matchup I never had any interest in seeing. Hart makes it interesting because the guy doesn’t know how to have a bad match, but even the high flying, top rope moves both guys put on doesn’t save this
Hart slaps on the Sharpshooter and Lawler beats him with a pair of crutches. The match looks like it’s over, but Jack Tunny – then president of the WWE – tells Lawler if he doesn’t wrestle, he’s banned forever.
It makes sense.
The next 8 minutes are just Bret Hart beating the shit out of a senior citizen. It also features some notable highlights – a pile driver, which is a move you barely saw by 1993 rolled around – and a totally shirtless Bret Hart
The match ends when Hart slaps Jerry Lawler in the sharpshooter and refuses to break the hold. He gets disqualified. He would try this exact same move against Stone Cold in a future Wrestlemania
Overall: Interesting match, but Doink seriously sucks
6. Marty Jannetty vs. Ludvig Borga
Jesus, Marty Jannetty just could not catch a break after breaking up with Shawn Michaels. First he gets kicked out the WWE, gets placed under house arrest for attacking a cop and now he’s jobbing for this nobody.
WWE apparently had huge plans for Borga but they didn’t really pan out due to a tepid fan reaction and horrible storylines.
This is a really one sided match, Borga basically takes Jannetty apart and wins with backbreaker submission.
Overall: Poor, poor Marty Jannetty
7. The Undertaker vs. The Giant Gonzalez
WWE Replay has managed to find an actual transcript of the conversation that resulted in this match:
McMahon: Everyone hated Undertaker vs. Gonzalez in Wrestlemania IX, so what should we do with him in Summerslam?
Writer 1: How about the exact same goddamn match?
McMahon: Maybe you didn’t hear me though? Everyone hated the match, like it was rated one of the worst of the year and Wrestlemania was just in March.
Writer 2: What if we do the same match again?
McMahon: Is there…. can you even hear me? Everyone hated everything about the first match. We need a fresh, new angle.
Writer 1: What if we do the same match, but change it up by making his gross body suit slightly darker?
McMahon: < sigh> Fine. Whatever. I have to start my steroid cycle.
Undertaker gets up over and over again and wins the match.
Overall: I love the Undertaker, but I’m very glad that this feud is over. The urn is great though, what a fun gimmick.
8. Tatanka and The Smoking Gunns (Billy Gunn and Bart Gunn) vs. Bam Bam Bigelow and The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu) (with Afa and Luna Vachon)
I just realized Bam Bam Bigalow is the only person in this match who isn’t a stereotype or a racist caricature.
This match is unwatchable garbage, and Tatanka and the Smoking Guns win
Overall: Unwatchable. Garbage.
9. Lex Lugar vs. Yokozuna
And we finally hit the point in Lex Lugar’s career where he gets his huge push as the next Hulk Hogan. On the mic, Bobby Heenan reminds him of his tenuous destiny by saying “Lugar, you have one chance – don’t blow it!”.
He gets off on the right foot by coming in to an instrumental version of this song which is a children’s song about ducks and being kind to them.
Gang, there’s not a ton to love about this match. Lugar was pushed way to quickly and they were trying to build him up as the next Hogan too quickly. He was a wrestler that was all look and very little talent.
The whole match is snoozeville, backed by a pretty quiet, bored crowd. Lugar eventually wins a technical victory by a count out, but Yokozuna keeps the belt
Overall: Terrible! But it wasn’t a bad SummerSlam