Michael James

Wrestlemania X Recap

December 28, 2016January 6, 2017Michael JamesLeave a comment

1994 and it’s time for the Big Show. Not the horrible, why-won’t-he-retire Big Show, we’re talking about Wrestlemania X. Do you know how extreme this Wrestlemania is? So extreme that it featured a friggin kick ass ladder match.

vlcsnap-2016-12-23-18h50m31s242 — Libarace dancing with showgirls – truly the epitome of WWE

This Wrestlemania takes place in Madison Square Garden, so they’ve come full circle.

1. Bret “The Hitman” Hart vs. Owen Hart

Before the match starts, Jerry “The King” Lawler and Vince McMahon discuss the upcoming event. The King has no shirt on and I’m pretty sure in any other industry on the planet that would be a sexual harassment suit.

vlcsnap-2016-12-23-18h56m02s24 — “This isn’t right, Vince” – The King

Owen Hart vs. Bret Hart. I still remember originally watching this match and being blown away. Owen was frigging fantastic and his death was a tragedy.

The angle for this match was that Owen was sick of being overlooked in Bret’s shadow. As an added twist, Bret was also booked to fight Yokozuna for a title match.

Cementing his status as a bad guy and as Bret’s opposite, Owen ops to rip his sunglasses in half instead of giving them to a small child

vlcsnap-2016-12-23-19h01m37s48 — Suck it Raybans

The match kicks off with some capital-W wrestling. Lots of classic, traditional takedowns, quick escapes and fast moves. Owen is hamming it up for the audience, screaming at them after every move. They’re doing a great job of getting the crowd into the match.

Bret takes early control as the more experienced older brother. Bret tries to slow down the match with a couple hundred minutes of tedious arm bars, but Owen says “nah” and decides to put on an exiting show instead with a series of high impact moves.

vlcsnap-2016-12-23-19h14m33s125 — Fratricide!

This is a pretty quick paced match, it’s reminiscent of Macho Man vs. Ricky Steamboat in Wrestlemania III. It’s all power moves, fast reversals and counters. No one goes on a very long run, the entire match is a seesaw. The whole thing feels like the Hart brothers giving a giant “fuck you” to the talent in the WWE by putting on the most fantastic match of the decade.

vlcsnap-2016-12-23-19h17m14s196 — Suck a bag of dicks, Vince! Wheeeee!

Bret Hart dives over the top rope to hit Owen on the apron outside and hurts his knee. Bret loves a good “hurt knee” storyline. If Hogan’s finishing move is someone else applying the sleeper, Bret’s is breaking his knee. The next five minutes is just Owen playing Bret’s ligaments like banjo strings.

Sometimes though Bret forgets which knee is the bad one like this:

wrong-knee — The award for best acting does not go to Bret

Bret really pumps the crowd up with a sweet superplex off the top rope and both Owen and Bret are down for the count. The momentum swings and Owen slaps on the sharpshooter, further damaging one of the knees, but I guess who cares which one? Not Bret?

The match ends right out of goddamn nowhere. Bret climbs on Owens shoulder for some reason and Owen collapses into a pin. It’s a clean win and Owen is cleanly put over. This entire match gave Owen’s career a huge push and it’s the exact bump he needed.

Overall: One of the best Wrestlemania matches of all time.

2. Bam Bam Bigalow and Luna Vachon vs. Doink the Clown and Dink the Clown

Yeah, so this match is a goddamn embarrassment and I’m not going to dignify it with a recap.

vlcsnap-2016-12-23-19h36m26s202 — Nooooope.

Overall: I have no idea who won this and I don’t care. The world is a poorer place with this match having existed

3. Randy Savage vs. Crush

This is a “falls count anywhere” match, so I’m expecting tons of action outside the ring. If you’re pinned, you have 60 seconds to make it back to the ring. At this point in his career, Macho Man is more tassle than man

vlcsnap-2016-12-24-07h37m59s56

The real question will be whether Macho Man can pull an actual wrestling match out of Crush. The answer will probably be no as Macho attacks Crush on the way to the ring with a flurry of fists and tassles. Crush press slams him into the gate and Macho is out. Crush gets the first pin and Macho crawls back to the ring.

Crush goes for a handful of Fuji Dust to the face, but Savage counters and the dust goes into Crush’s face. Macho has the upper hand and immediately goes to the top for the flying elbow.

vlcsnap-2016-12-24-07h45m56s219 — Future historians are going to have trouble figuring out what Wreslemania this screengrab took place in

Macho pushes Crush out of the ring and gets the second pin.

Not unexpectedly, the match spills out into the aisle outside the ring. They keep fighting and go all the way backstage into the dressing room and Macho gets the third pin.

Without context, this could just as easily be a porno

Macho then ties up Crush int the scaffolding so that he can’t make it back to the ring. Although Crush barely moves anyways, so it was kind of pointless. Macho wins the match!

Overall: Kind of a weird match that doesn’t really showcase any of Macho’s strength’s as a wrestler, but I guess hides all of Crushes flaws?

4. Alundra Blaze vs. Leilani Kai

WWE, here’s a tip. You can’t just interject a woman’s match right out of goddamn nowhere. Who are either of these people?

vlcsnap-2016-12-24-08h10m51s70 — You can’t fireworks your way out of this one!

I guess this is a perfectly serviceable match between two strangers who no one in Madison Square Garden has ever heard of or ever seen wrestle once.

Overall: Winner! Stranger 1!

5. Tag Team Championship – Man on a Mission (Mabel and Mo) vs. The Quebecers

I just realized that Man on a Mission is basically the 90’s version of Brand New Day

vlcsnap-2016-12-24-08h14m43s80 — Minus the talent, charisma or wrestling ability, but for sure plus the raw tonnage

This is a pretty quick match, because ~~Brand New Day~~ Man on a Mission are two massive, fat guys which means they don’t have a lot of stamina. Long time readers will recall how very little I care for big fat guy matches, so I can’t summon a lot of enthusiasm for this.

I just realized that they swapped out one of the Quebecers. It’s now Jacques and Pierre. What happened to Raymond?

The Quebecers do their damnedest to put on a match. Most of the offense is against Mo because he is the least fat of of the two. Mabel gets the tag and comes in for a bunch of fat guy moves. Turnbuckle slams, pushes, fat punches, etc. Impressively the Quebecers manage a double suplex on Mabel and the ring shifts a little.

vlcsnap-2016-12-24-08h46m16s60 — Totally did not see that coming

They still can’t get the pin though. The match deteriorates into a slug fest because when you wrestle a big fat guy, you have to go to the lowest-skill wrestling move. I think the match is nearly over because neither of Men on a Mission can breathe and if the match continues longer I legitimately think they’ll die.

Abruptly, they kick the Quebecers out of the ring and win by countout. That’s… always a great way to end Wrestlemania matches? I guess?

Overall: I’m glad that match is over!

6. Heavyweight Championship Match: Yokozuna vs. Lex Lugar

Remember when they couldn’t decide who won the 1994 Royal Rumble? Well, this match is the outcome. Lugar gets a shot at the title and then Bret gets a shot at the title.

The guest referee is Mr. Perfect!

vlcsnap-2016-12-27-18h23m10s082 — Honestly just happy to be working at this point, gang.

Lex Lugar comes out and Vince McMahon audibly orgasms into the microphone. It’s super uncomfortable. He loves Lex so much and so desperately wants him to be the next Hulk Hogan.

vlcsnap-2016-12-27-18h23m41s886 — He certainly has the baby lotion down pat

I’m not expecting too much from this match. Yokozuna has an impressive toolkit for a big fat guy, but it’s still pretty limited. Lex Lugar basically has nothing. This whole match is going to be punches and kicks.

Following the standard template set by Hogan / King Kong Bundy, Lugar goes for a slam and can’t pull it off. This thing is basically a shot for shot remake of Andre / Hogan at Wrestlemania 3.

I yawned my way through the match. There’s not a ton to say here, it’s exactly what you’d expect. Here is a sample:

1:34:19: Yokozuna starts choke hold
1:36:48: Lugar breaks choke hold
1:37:28: Yokozuna starts 2nd choke hold
1:38:47: Lugar breaks 2nd choke hold
1:39:37: Yokozuna starts 3rd goddamn choke hold
1:40:15: Lugar breaks 3rd goddamn choke hold
1:40:36: A FOURTH FUCKING CHOKE HOLD
1:41:56: Lugar breaks out a final (?) time?

Lugar explodes like a house of fire, gets the slam on Yokozuna and hits him with the forearm. On the mic, McMahon creams all over his suit. Lugar pulls the managers into the ring and beats them up. Yokozuna is out, but Perfect won’t count the pin while the managers are unconscious in the ring. Lugar pushes Mr. Perfect and Mr. Perfect disqualifies him.

Overall: WWE, the reigning champion in quality booking

7. Earthquake vs. Adam Bomb

As I was setting up for this match, it ended.

vlcsnap-2016-12-27-18h43m07s687 — However much Adam Bomb was paid for this match, it was not enough

Overall: WWE sure had a ton of fat guys on the roster in 1994

8. Intercontinental Championship Match: Razor Ramon vs Shawn Michaels

By today’s standards, this is a pretty tame ladder match, but this was one of the first ones and without this match, there’s no TLC matches and there’s no legendary matches with the Hardy’s. This match started Shawn Michael’s legend as “Mr. Wrestlemania.” He and Razor basically stole the show with this one.

This match has also been referred to as “Shawn Michaels vs. a ladder.”

The first 10 minutes of the match has no ladder at all. There’s some good bumps and falls, but pretty standard.

Michaels finally gets the ladder and the match really picks up. Again, all this stuff seems tame now, but this was the first time a mainstream audience had seen anything like this and they are just losing their minds through the match.

vlcsnap-2016-12-27-18h59m34s929 — Although it could be because Shawn Michaels farted a WWE symbol

After that bum flash, the action really picks up. Most of the big spots are Shawn Michaels, with Razor Ramon just sort of being there. The crowd honestly loses their minds after every bump, it’s fantastic.

They both climb up to attempt to grab the belts.

vlcsnap-2016-12-27-19h04m56s489 — It… does not end well for Shawn Michaels

Ramon nearly has the belts, but Michaels drop kicks the ladder and hits some sweet chin music. A piledriver follows up and Michaels looks like he has the match, but he gets his legs caught in the ropes and Ramon manages to get the belt.

Overall: Great match

9. Heavyweight Championship Match: Yokozuna vs. Bret Hart

Special guest referee for this one? Rowdy Roddy Piper. Gang, I bet he’s going to interfere somehow.

The match gets off to a pretty quick start with Yokozuna going on the immediate offensive. He throws Hart around like a rag doll. It’s pretty one sided. Piper is all up in Yokozuna’s face to stop the whole thing from being a blowout.

Hart really can’t mount any offence outside of punches and kicks. He’s too small and Yokozuna is too big. The whole match is basically Bret getting the shit kicked out of him.

The ending is garbage. Yoko climbs up for the splash and…. just loses his balance. Bret Hart just sits there and does nothing and gets the pin.

vlcsnap-2016-12-27-19h19m18s869 — I lost by fucking accident?

Overall: A so so Wrestlemania. I remember liking the Bret / Yokozuna match a lot better when I was younger.

Royal Rumble 1994 Recap

December 23, 2016December 26, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1994. History will remember this as a time of madness. Forest Gump beat Pulp Fiction at the Oscars. People still listened to the Cranberries. And somehow, WWE booking came up with the idea that the Royal Rumble would end in a tie.

Gang, this is going to be a bit of an odd review. I have somehow lost my 1994 DVD of the Royal Rumble and I can’t really find a complete version online. So the first part of this recap is going to be based on other people’s recaps, since I can’t watch them live.

1. Tatanka vs. Bam Bam Bigealow

What does the internet tell me about this match that I can’t watch? I know it features two of my least favorite performers, and I know I was able to find this screen grab.

tatanka4 — I think they’re just feeling each other out

I think I have everything I need to know about this match. Obviously Tatanka wins and Wikipedia informs me the match was 8 minutes long. 411Mania did not care for the match because everyone hates Tatanka

Overall: Glad I didn’t have to watch it

2. The Quebecers (Jacques and Pierre) vs Bret Hart and Owen Hart

If I had to guess, I’d assume this is a fairly standard, technical match that ends with Owen Hart getting really mad at Bret to set up their upcoming feud.

Owen ends up kicking Bret in the leg and leaving. Exactly like a little brother would. According to WhatCulture, this match really was a breakout performance for Owen that launched his mid-card run. Too bad I can’t actually watch it! EFF YOU MISSING DVD

Overall: Apparently a pretty good match. I wouldn’t know

3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Razor Ramone vs. IRS

Razor came into this match with the belt around his waist. The match was a continuation of an ongoing feud between the two wrestlers.

Again – I can’t actually watch this match because of my missing DVD. I managed to find this screen capture:

showing IRS doing a falling-back face drop onto Razor Ramone. I can only assume IRS won the match, got the belt and went on to be the most dominant Intercontinental champion in the history of the WWE.

This website disagrees with everything I say and calls it a very average match

Overall: Reviewing matches without actually watching them is actually way quicker than the way I’ve been doing it.

4. Undertaker vs. Yokozuna / everyone

Great news gang! Because I own so many wrestling DVD’s, I actually have a copy of this match on my “Tombstone: History of the Undertaker” set. So I can watch this match for real. Nice!

I remember this as being one of my favorite Undertaker matches of all time. I can’t emphasize enough how much I loved the Urn / Undertaker can’t be hurt concept

vlcsnap-2016-04-26-15h11m00s165 — Yokozuna, on the other hand, is not a fan of the undead punch-zombie

Most of this match takes place outside the ring. It’s just Undertaker and Yokozuna beating on each other with a chair. Yoko hits a bunch of big power moves on the Undertaker, but he just keeps getting up. He also hits the sloppiest choke slam in his career as he can barely get Yoko off the ground, but give him credit for trying.

vlcsnap-2016-04-26-15h16m27s175 — Yoko gets like a half inch off the ground

Undertaker goes for the casket close and then all hell breaks loose. Everyone comes down and beats him up for awhile. The complete list is Crush, Kabuki, Tenryu, Bam Bam Bigelow, Adam Bomb, Jeff Jarrett, Samu, Fatu (Rikishi) and Diesel. Undertaker fights them all off and it’s fucking awesome.

vlcsnap-2016-04-26-15h23m55s80 — It’s basically a mini Royal Rumble before the actual Royal Rumble

After this goes on for like 10 minutes, Yokozuna finally steals the Urn and they shut the Undertaker up in the casket. The ending then gets pretty stupid and cheesy where all the lights go out, the Undertaker appears on the big screen (from inside the casket) and vows to return

Overall: Man, that match was just awesome

5. The Royal Rumble

Quick housekeeping before we start – they have shortened the time between entrants to 1 and a half minutes, down from 2.

The first 10 people: 1. Scott Steiner / 2. Samu / 3. Rick Steiner / 4. Kwang / 5. Owen Hart / 6. Bart Gunn / 7. Diesel / 8. Bob Backlund / 9. Billy Gunn / 10. Virgil

Alright, let’s get this going. Steiner and Samu barely have time to do anything before they’re announcing the next person. 1:30 really is quick between people coming in. Scott’s brother Rick comes in next and the Steiners make fast work of Samu. Next up is Kwang who spits green mist at Rick Steiner, putting him out of action.

Owen Hart comes out next to a huge round of boos. Now that he has attacked Bret, he is firmly a heel

vlcsnap-2016-04-26-15h48m29s194 — Really embracing that heel-rage expression too

He manages to eliminate Rick Steiner pretty quickly. Bart Gunn comes in next and all four guys just mix it up for awhile.

Then Diesel comes in.

This entire match just puts him over huge. He just destroys everyone. In very quick order, he eliminates all four guys in the ring. Bob Backlund runs in and Diesel immediately whips him out over the top. Then he just stands there looking awesome for like a minute.

vlcsnap-2016-04-26-15h54m27s209 — Yes! Fuck!

Billy Gunn is out next and Diesel whips him out in 10 seconds. Next up is Virgil and the audience basically bursts into disdainful laughter. He’s demolished in seconds and we’re left with more waiting in the ring.

The next 10 people: 11. Macho Man / 12. Jeff Jarrett / 13. Crush / 14. Donik / 15. Bam Bam Bigealow / 16. Mabel / 17. Sparky Pluggs / 18. Shawn Michaels / 19. Mo / 20. Greg Valentine

Macho is next and obviously he’s not going to get thrown out. He just beat Diesel with a straight pin the 1993 Survivor Series. He slows Diesel down and manages to survive in the ring. “Double J” Jeff Jarrett makes his Pay Per View debut, coming in at number 12. He has a good show, but Macho throws him out.

Shitty Crush pulls number 13 and him and Macho go right at it. With two guys that size in the ring, Macho doesn’t have much chance and Crush dumps him outside. Doink is next and I hate Doink.

vlcsnap-2016-04-28-19h24m14s163 — Crush and Diesel also express their displeasure through double clotheslines

Bam Bam oozes in next and pretty quickly eliminates Doink.

They sure are keeping the numbers low.

Mabel enters at 16 and the crowd starts chanting “Whoop, there it is”

tagteamblackandwhite — “We’ll be popular forever!” – Tag Team, 1994

Everyone is in the ring now and Sparky Pluggs enters next. Lots of low-talent in the ring now. Shawn Michaels is in at 18 and distracts Diesel with his mullet and helps eliminate him. The crowd is pretty quiet now. I think they’re bored. I am kind of bored.

Mabel’s other half comes in (Mo), followed by Greg Valentine and now the ring is Shawn Michaels and a bunch of garbage.

The last 10 people: 21. Tatanka / 22. Kabuki / 23. Lex Lugar / 24. Genichiro Tenryu / 25. Bastion Booger / 26. Rick Martel / 27. Bret Hart / 28. Fatu / 29. Marty Jannetty / 30. Adam Bomb

The speed and pace of the match really slow down for the final third. There’s not a ton to highlight that is super interesting. A bunch of pretty dull guys come in, and Bret Hart.

This Royal Rumble had the extremely weird and controversial ending where both Lex Lugar and Bret Hart eliminated each other at the same time and “co won” the event.

vlcsnap-2016-04-28-19h50m38s101 — In all fairness the timing was kind of impressive

Overall: A quick event and a pretty good Royal Rumble overall. Although how would I know, I didn’t watch most of it

Survivor Series 1993 Recap

April 26, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. Razor Ramon, Randy Savage, Marty Jannetty, and The 1–2–3 Kid vs. IRS, Diesel, Rick Martel, and Adam Bomb

Adam Bomb makes his debut appearance in this kick off match of the 1993 Survivor Series and Macho Man makes his return to the ring after a long hiatus. He gets a huge, explosive pop from the audience

vlcsnap-2016-04-18-19h57m08s67 — On the other hand, 123 Kid gets what could generously be called icy disdain

There is just a ton of talent in the ring. Razor and Rick Martel start things off and get the crowd fired up with a bunch of quick moves. Adam Bomb comes out next and the match degenerates into a big guy pushing contest. Meh. Fast forward.

Razor goes for the pin and Martel comes out to drop an elbow and break the fall. Razor rolls out of the way and hits Adam Bomb. All four of the Adam Bomb team start fighting. They’re pretty angry at each other. How embarrassing!

vlcsnap-2016-04-18-19h59m16s72 — Almost as embarrassing as Macho wearing the same outfit as Marty Jannetty. Rowr!

123 Kid comes out next and just gets the absolute piss kicked out of him. It’s really, really entertaining. Savage comes out and clears house and – much to my genuine surprise – nails Diesel with the elbow and pins him clean

“What a confusing match up this has been” says Vince McMahon. I completely agree. We are about 15 minutes into the match and Jannetty has not made a tag yet. As Macho wrestles, he is distracted by Crush who comes down to ringside – they have a feud going on.

Entertainingly, Crush is on his 3rd iteration of costume / character, and I still don’t think he’s nailing it

vlcsnap-2016-04-18-20h15m40s156 — Well fuck you too, WWE Replay!

IRS grabs Macho while he’s distracted and pins him. Some quick action follows – Razor hits the Razor’s Edge on IRS and gets the pin. Then IRS hits Razor with a metal briefcase and Razor gets counted out.

It’s down to Jannetty and 123 Kid vs. Martel and Adam Bomb!

vlcsnap-2016-04-18-20h22m18s28 — Seriously? Me?

The ending is a bit of surprise. 123 Kid gets beaten so badly he forgets how to drive. Again – it’s really, really entertaining. The match ends with a surprise pin by Jannetty on Adam Bomb and 123 Kid on Martel

Overall: That was a really fun match and a great start to the event

2. The Hart Family (Bret Hart, Owen Hart, Bruce Hart, and Keith Hart) vs Shawn Michaels and His Knights (Shawn Michaels, The Red Knight, The Blue Knight, and The Black Knight)

Why would anyone have thought this was a good idea? Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart with a bunch of miscellaneous, masked strangers.

vlcsnap-2016-04-19-18h51m32s160 — Maybe I’m an actual wrestler, maybe I’m a volleyball player. You don’t know.

The “Blue Knight” is actually Greg Valentine, but no one knows that. So let’s pretend I’m a viewer at this event in 1993. I’m turning over my Pearl Jam cassette on my walkman, loosening my flannel shirt and cheesing my hunger away. All I’m thinking is if I can get home for the Party of Five premiere. Why would I even want to watch this?

If you haven’t watched this match, my description won’t do it justice. The crowd is completely silent, and isn’t reacting to any of the bumps

vlcsnap-2016-04-19-18h58m28s202 — THRILL to the action of retired unknown Keith Hart putting a sloppy arm bar on the unknown masked stranger!

This match is 30 unconscionable minutes long and I don’t have enough jokes to make it through the full thing. Every joke is going to be just pictures of Shawn Michaels “knights” and how they’re fat, stupid assholes.

vlcsnap-2016-04-19-19h07m52s209 — I’m a fat, stupid asshole

See?

The Hart Family beats Shawn’s team one at a time until it’s just Shawn Michaels left. Michaels eliminates Owen Hart with a sneaky pin when Owen bangs into Bret Hart. Owen gets pissed at Bret and this starts to set up the feud between the two. The match ends when Shawn Michaels says “screw this” and leaves.

Overall: What a miserable way to spend 30 minutes

3. The Heavenly Bodies (Jimmy Del Ray and Tom Prichard) vs The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express (Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson)

Hmm. 1993 Survivor Series, you are making it challenging to watch you. This match is for the “Smokey Mountain Wrestling” championship!!

vlcsnap-2016-04-19-19h21m16s100 — Yeah, I don’t actually know who these guys are

Just goes to show you, the WWE roster was brutally thin in 1993. It really was a growth year. I’m not going to spend a ton of time with this match, because who are any of these people. Delightfully, the match goes on for 15 minutes.

The Heavenly Bodies win when they hit one of the guys I’ve never heard of with a tennis racket. I guess they’re the new Smokey Mountain Champions?

Overall: At this point, I’ll be glad if the next match has any actual popular wrestlers in it

4. The Four Doinks (The Bushwhackers (Luke and Butch) and Men on a Mission (Mabel and Mo) vs Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger, and The Headshrinkers (Samu and Fatu)

Ah Christ. It’s the fucking goddamn Bushwhackers dressed up as Doink the goddamn clown. Jesus shit.

I am not going to be able to watch this match. I just can’t

Overall: The Doink team won, but I didn’t actually watch this mess

5. The All-Americans (Lex Luger, The Undertaker and The Steiner Brothers (Rick Steiner and Scott Steiner)) vs The Foreign Fanatics (Yokozuna, Crush, Ludvig Borga, and Quebecer Jacques)

The Undertaker comes out to the biggest pop of the night. Just deafening. It’s impossible to oversell how popular the Undertaker was at this point in his career. He has the whole auditorium on their feet. Luger also gets a good reaction, but it’s not the same.

This starts off great, lots of quick action to keep the crowd excited. Very quickly, Rick Steiner is pinned with what looks like some kind of screwed up move by Ludvig Borga

12s2xi

So I’m not actually sure what happened there.

Next up is the elimination of Crush. In a turnabout of fair play, Macho Man comes in to interfere with the match and gets Crush counted out. It’s down to 3 v 3.

Jacques beats up Scott Steiner for awhile when Lex comes in. He wrestles for like 3 minutes and pins Jacques after an elbow off the second rope. All these eliminations are pretty tame so far.

vlcsnap-2016-04-19-19h59m15s108 — Tame like Steiner setting up for a Superplex off the top rope. Yawn

Yokozuna comes in right after this move and immediately gets the pin on Steiner. It’s Lex and Undertaker against Yokozuna and Crush. We’re about 17 minutes into the match and Undertaker has not been in the ring yet.

Finally at about the 20 minute mark he comes in against Yokozuna. The crowd screams through the whole thing. Yokozuna hits a fat ass press on the Undertaker but he gets right up. They spill out of the ring and both get counted out.

That whole thing was pretty fun.

We’re down to Ludvig Borga vs. Lex Lugar which.. meh. It’s an okay final run. Lex Lugar nails a cheap flying forearm that makes me wish sweet, sweet Tito Santana was in this PPV.

vlcsnap-2016-04-19-20h13m03s173 — ARIB…. ah, it’s just not the same

Overall: That was a very fun match. So I loved the first and last match and the middle was pure, horrific misery.

SummerSlam 1993 Recap

April 17, 2016April 17, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. Ted Dibiase vs. Razor Ramon

Finally, they’ve officially made Razor Ramon a face. He brings the crowd to their feet as he saunters to the ring with casual arrogance

vlcsnap-2016-03-13-12h40m54s67 — Dibiase on the other hand, looks like he should be starring in a local theater version of “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas”

Ramon controls this match from start to finish. Dibiase never had a chance. He’s basically there just to firmly put Ramon over. He’s almost a jobber.

Dibiase puts on a little bit of offense, but it’s just killing time until Ramon takes over and slaps on the Razor’s Edge.

300px-TRE — The move, not the 1984 Bill Murray film

Overall: Always fun to watch a Razor Ramon match

2. Tag Team Title Match: Heavenly Bodies (Tom Pritchard and Jimmy Del Rey) vs. Steiner Brothers

It’s great when MacMahon needs to fill a slot and rushes in some nobodies. The Heavenly Bodies were only in the WWE for about 2 years and were utterly unforgettable. The Steiner brothers tear them apart for awhile before losing momentum.

Scott Steiner is thrown out of the ring and while the ref is counting angrily at him…

vlcsnap-2016-03-30-20h03m50s206 — Get back in here you piece of shit!

.. and one of the Heavenly bodies hits Rick with a tennis racket. It doesn’t matter though, Rick is like “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” and the Steiners hit the Frankensteiner for the win

Overall: “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” is a comeback that works in 95% of situations

3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Perfect

Well this could be an interesting little match. These guys are two very technical, very talented guys. I’m hoping for a good show.

Whenever two guys like this wrestle, it’s all capital-W wrestling. Lots of quick reversals, fast moves and random backflips off the top rope

vlcsnap-2016-04-02-14h32m16s122 — Wheee!

It wouldn’t be a Shawn Michaels match if he didn’t completely over sell every move. He’s great. Midway through the match, Michaels starts aggressively going after Mr. Perfects back. Perfect manages to power through and slaps the Perfect Plex on Michaels. Diesal interferes and the match ends with a count out of Perfect. Garbage. The crowd immediately starts booing.

Overall: Good match, shitty ending

4. IRS vs. 123 Kid

123 Kid makes his PPV debut. I just realized this is also the first PPV that starred (almost) all the members of The Kliq – Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Razor Ramon and this skinny loser

vlcsnap-2016-04-02-14h45m44s238 — Seriously, try to guess which one is the wrestler

123 Kid matches tended to follow a pretty standard template. The bigger wrestler (everyone) beats Kid like a 6 year old wrestling against a stuffed bear and then the 123 Kid manages to fluke out a win.

Not this time though!

vlcsnap-2016-04-02-14h50m46s246 — Apparently a 120 pound weight difference matters

There wasn’t even a finishing move, IRS basically just punched him unconscious

Overall: The match was fine

5. Bret Hart vs. Jerry Lawler / Doink the Clown

Jesus Christ, Jerry Lawler has to be 55 years old at this point. He comes down to the ring in crutches, and says he can’t wrestle and instead Doink will take his place.

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-19h58m31s65 — “This is the biggest ripoff I’ve ever seen” – Vince McMahon, expressing the viewpoint of thousand of fans

Here is a matchup I never had any interest in seeing. Hart makes it interesting because the guy doesn’t know how to have a bad match, but even the high flying, top rope moves both guys put on doesn’t save this

double jump — Maybe it saves it a little

Hart slaps on the Sharpshooter and Lawler beats him with a pair of crutches. The match looks like it’s over, but Jack Tunny – then president of the WWE – tells Lawler if he doesn’t wrestle, he’s banned forever.

It makes sense.

The next 8 minutes are just Bret Hart beating the shit out of a senior citizen. It also features some notable highlights – a pile driver, which is a move you barely saw by 1993 rolled around – and a totally shirtless Bret Hart

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h20m34s30 — Also rarely seen in 1993

The match ends when Hart slaps Jerry Lawler in the sharpshooter and refuses to break the hold. He gets disqualified. He would try this exact same move against Stone Cold in a future Wrestlemania

Overall: Interesting match, but Doink seriously sucks

6. Marty Jannetty vs. Ludvig Borga

a853be09-0f0d-4a34-8c72-13d0dc68c3dc

Jesus, Marty Jannetty just could not catch a break after breaking up with Shawn Michaels. First he gets kicked out the WWE, gets placed under house arrest for attacking a cop and now he’s jobbing for this nobody.

WWE apparently had huge plans for Borga but they didn’t really pan out due to a tepid fan reaction and horrible storylines.

ryan-reynolds-opens-up-about-that-green-lantern-movie-780228 — WWE writers would later go on to work for DC

This is a really one sided match, Borga basically takes Jannetty apart and wins with backbreaker submission.

Overall: Poor, poor Marty Jannetty

7. The Undertaker vs. The Giant Gonzalez

WWE Replay has managed to find an actual transcript of the conversation that resulted in this match:

McMahon: Everyone hated Undertaker vs. Gonzalez in Wrestlemania IX, so what should we do with him in Summerslam?

Writer 1: How about the exact same goddamn match?

McMahon: Maybe you didn’t hear me though? Everyone hated the match, like it was rated one of the worst of the year and Wrestlemania was just in March.

Writer 2: What if we do the same match again?

McMahon: Is there…. can you even hear me? Everyone hated everything about the first match. We need a fresh, new angle.

Writer 1: What if we do the same match, but change it up by making his gross body suit slightly darker?

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h35m07s32 — electrifying

McMahon: < sigh> Fine. Whatever. I have to start my steroid cycle.

Undertaker gets up over and over again and wins the match.

Overall: I love the Undertaker, but I’m very glad that this feud is over. The urn is great though, what a fun gimmick.

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h43m44s106 — Awesome

8. Tatanka and The Smoking Gunns (Billy Gunn and Bart Gunn) vs. Bam Bam Bigelow and The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu) (with Afa and Luna Vachon)

Ugggghhhhhhhhh.

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h48m43s29 — Gimme a break

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h50m58s70 — He’s actually carrying a tomahawk now?

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h52m17s121 — Fuck all the way off

I just realized Bam Bam Bigalow is the only person in this match who isn’t a stereotype or a racist caricature.

This match is unwatchable garbage, and Tatanka and the Smoking Guns win

Overall: Unwatchable. Garbage.

9. Lex Lugar vs. Yokozuna

And we finally hit the point in Lex Lugar’s career where he gets his huge push as the next Hulk Hogan. On the mic, Bobby Heenan reminds him of his tenuous destiny by saying “Lugar, you have one chance – don’t blow it!”.

He gets off on the right foot by coming in to an instrumental version of this song which is a children’s song about ducks and being kind to them.

Yokozuna is not impressed by your rabidly pro-duck entrance song

Gang, there’s not a ton to love about this match. Lugar was pushed way to quickly and they were trying to build him up as the next Hogan too quickly. He was a wrestler that was all look and very little talent.

Reigns — Fortunately, Vince McMahon learned his lesson and never, ever made the same mistake again

The whole match is snoozeville, backed by a pretty quiet, bored crowd. Lugar eventually wins a technical victory by a count out, but Yokozuna keeps the belt

Overall: Terrible! But it wasn’t a bad SummerSlam

King of the Ring 1993 Recap

April 3, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

It’s 1993 and it’s finally time to add a 5th pay per view into the mix. It’s King of the Ring! For the first time ever! Sort of! I think 1988 was the first actual tournament. Anyway, let’s get to it.

Very quickly – King of the Ring is an elimination tournament where the victor goes on to subsequent matches until they’re the only one standing.

1. Round 1, Match 1: Razor Ramon vs. Bret Hart

This is the second time these two faced each other. I wonder how Razor Ramon will do this time?

To keep the matches quick, every one only has a 15 minutes time limit. I’m hoping this will keep the pace pretty hot and –

While Hart tries to keep the pace nice and slow, Ramon is having none of it and keeps going on the offense with big, exciting power moves. The crowd shows their confused support by chanting for the 1-2-3 kid, making that the first and only time in history he was the subject of an audience chant.

The momentum is going back and forth until Hart gets the upper hand with a series of side slams and elbows off the 2nd rope. Ramon goes for the Razor’s Edge and Hart scrambles out and reverses it with a small package.

This is pretty exciting!

As Ramon goes for a suplex off the top rope, Bret kind of falls on him and gets the pin. Bret wins!

Overall: That was a snappy little opening match. These guys put on a good show

2. Round 1, Match 2: Mr. Hughes vs. Mr. Perfect

Do you think they chose this match because they both have “Mister” in their names? Because I do.

Gang, I do not remember Mr. Hughes at all. I think his whole deal was to see how inappropriately he could dress for a wrestling match

Mr. Hughes gets the early advantage, but has trouble maintaining it because he’s wrestling in a full suit. He keeps the match pretty aggressive, but he can’t change the fact that he’s wearing suspenders and a tie.

Mr. Perfect gets the upper hand back because Mr. Hughes is wearing sunglasses that don’t come off and he looks like a stupid, stupid idiot.

Mr. Hughes is quickly disqualified, probably for wearing dumb clothes, but moreso for hitting Mr. Perfect in the face with an urn.

Overall: That match was horrible

3. Round 1, Match 3: Hacksuck Shit Fuckhead vs. Bam Bam Bigalow

Keeping with my commitment from Wrestlemania VI, I refuse to recap or watch Hacksaw matches anymore. He is awful. Just horrible.

vlcsnap-2016-03-20-09h12m00s112 — Yes. Be my fat agent of top rope justice, Bam Bam

Overall: Bam Bam Bigalow wins, which is great

4. Round 1, Match 4: Lex Lugar vs. Tatanka

At this point in his career, Lugar is still doing his horrible “Narcissist” bit. He also has a side story that he has a metal / bionic / reconstructed arm, so he needs to wrestle with a an elbow pad on it.

vlcsnap-2016-03-20-09h16m58s115 — Yeah, in retrospect, this whole shtick is ridiculous

Tatanka comes out hot for Lugar and easily takes control with a series of high impact power moves. The crowd was really enjoying the action, so he decides to grind it to a screaming halt with an arm bar.

God, I hate arm bars.

vlcsnap-2016-03-20-09h21m08s194 — Giant floating Bam Bam head also thinks they’re crap

Ho hum. Lugar turns it around and goes on a run. Not much to say in this one, it’s a very by-the-books match. They go right to the time limit and neither guy can get the pin before time runs out. That is 15 minutes I’ll never get back. Winner = no one. Bam Bam gets a pass to the finals

Overall: This match was like an argument from a Bill Cosby defense lawyer. Technically well constructed, but ugly and makes the world a worse place

6. Round 2, Match 1: Bret Hart vs. Mr. Perfect

Before the match, Mean Gene interviews Hart and Perfect. He stirs up shit by telling Perfect that Hart wanted to face him instead of Mr. Hughes because it would be an easier match. Mr. Perfect basically calls Hart an asshole and says “all you Canadians are alike”

vlcsnap-2016-03-20-09h50m19s66 — i.e. Greasy-haired, pink-wearing fuckheads

These two haven’t met since SummerSlam 91 when Hart beat Mr. Perfect for the Intercontinental Belt. Mr. Perfect is eager to get revenge and starts out with a bunch of quick takedown moves and reversals. Hart keeps going for the side headlock, which makes me think this match is going the distance.

Going_The_Distance_movie_poster — I’m pretty sure the movie was based on this match

As the match progresses, Mr. Perfect starts using dirtier and dirtier tactics and the crowd gets more firmly behind Bret. To add to the drama, Bret Hart injures his knee taking a hard bump outside the ring. Mr. Perfect starts getting more and more aggressive with a series of quick pins.

Eventually Perfect slaps on the sleeper hold and it looks like the end. Bret manages to sneak out and hits Perfect with a series of high-impact moves. Perfect goes for a small package but Bret reverses it and gets the pin!

vlcsnap-2016-03-20-10h13m18s19 — Even though Perfects shoulder is like, a mile off the ring

Overall: Yet another match that proves WWE referees are hired not in spite of – but specifically due to – their incompetence

7. Heavyweight Championship Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Yokozuna

Why did Jimmy Hart start managing Hulk Hogan in the first place? I can’t remember what brought that about.

vlcsnap-2016-03-20-10h19m41s25 — Did it have something to do with Mustache power?

So Hogan gets to fight another big fat guy. I wonder if this will be like his match against Bundy? Or his match against Earthquake? Or his match against Andre? I wonder if Hogan’s entire gameplan will be based on trying to slam Yokozuna?

vlcsnap-2016-03-20-10h24m24s41 — Hogan, the master tactician, stupidly telegraphing his entire in-ring strategy

Wrestling has as much to do with this match as Bernie Sanders supporters have to do with a basic understanding of politics. It’s non-stop punches and kicks. Hogan just keeps going for the slam and Yokozuna keeps blocking it.

I’ve seen this match too many times. Yokozuna has all the momentum and he goes for the bear hug.

hulkamania — All the big guys have big hearts that lead to big hugs

To the surprise of no one, Hulk Hulks The Fuck Out. Despite all the Hulking out, Yokozuna needs 3 big boots to go down. Hogan drops the leg, but Yokozuna kicks out. Hogan can’t believe it, so he decides to go for the slam. At the same time a mystery reporter jumps up onto the ring and explodes his camera in Hogan’s face. Hogan is blinded and Yokozuna drops the big, fat leg and gets the pin

We have a new champ!

Overall: The ending was at least a little interesting

8. Pointless 8-man tag match: The Smoking Gunns (Billy and Bart Gunn) and The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott Steiner) vs. The Headshrinkers (Samu and Fatu) (with Afa) and Money Inc.(Ted DiBiase and IRS)

What a crappy match this is going to be. I don’t really like any of these guys. I’m going to just breeze through this and see if there’s an opportunity for jokes

I spent a lot of time earlier on making fun of Mr. Hughes for dressing like an idiot by wearing a business outfit while wrestling. He should take a lesson from IRS

vlcsnap-2016-03-24-20h29m19s146 — Like, if you’re going to wear a dress shirt, at least roll up the goddamn sleeves. GOD

I guess it’s better than the smoking guns who wrestle in jeans.

This match is fine. It’s dull and fine. It ends, which is a plus. Dibiase slaps on the Million Dollar Dream and … you know what, who honestly cares. The good guys win, the bad guys lose.

Overall: Next!

9. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Crush

Crush never really caught fire in the WWE. Was it his because of his horrible, wooden wrestling? His dull promo’s?

vlcsnap-2016-03-24-20h39m20s14 — The fact that his outfit would make late 70’s John Byrne-drawn X-men embarrassed?

Historians take note! Diesel makes his first Pay Per View appearance at the side of Shawn Michaels. Also of note! I just realized that Shawn Michaels and Crush have the two greatest mullets in WWE history

vlcsnap-2016-03-24-20h46m14s41 — Even Rapunzel is like “shit that’s a mullet lol”

Kind of interesting vibe to this match. Crush tries to show off a bunch of wrestling moves. He alternates between quick, aerial moves and high-impact power moves. He’s doing pretty sweet until Diesel distracts him and Shawn Michaels attacks him from behind.

The match is going pretty darn good until goddaamn Doink(s) show up. Crush is distracted again (seriously dude, focus on the match) and Michaels superkicks him in the head

Overall: I surprisingly enjoyed that match, until stupid Doink showed up

10. King of the Ring Final: Bret Hart vs. Bam Bam Bigalow

The final King of the Ring match, lets get started. Bret hobbles into this match all beaten up – a gimp knee, crummy fingers, tired from multiple matches. Bam Bam is fresh and ready to go and not surprisingly, takes immediate control of the match.

Given this is the final event of the night, the crowd is pretty quiet during the whole thing. Maybe they don’t find it entertaining to watch their hero beaten mercilessly for 15 solid minutes?

images — Although I guess some people like it?

There’s a brief moment outside the ring where Bret shows some signs of life, but it doesn’t last long. While Bam Bam is arguing with the ref, Luna Vashon runs out from backstage and hits Bret Hart with a chair. Hart is knocked silly, and Bam Bam gets the easy pin for the win!

But wait! Another referee comes out and disagrees with the decision due to the interference by Vashon and says the match needs to continue.

vlcsnap-2016-03-26-14h41m36s158 — Ohhh this sucks

Bam Bam keeps putting Hart in the backbreaker. During the second one, Hart reverses it into a sleeper hold. He finally starts showing some offense and puts on a few moves. Because it’s a Bret Hart match, it ends incredibly abruptly. Hart goes onto Bam Bams shoulders and rolls it into a pin

vlcsnap-2016-03-26-14h49m40s134 — Bret’s finishing move is basically sneaky pins from out of nowhere

Overall: The last match was a little long, but I really enjoyed this entire event

Wrestlemania IX Recap

March 27, 2016March 27, 2016Michael James1 Comment

When I was younger, I remember thinking this Wrestlemania was fantastic. Will it hold up all these years later?

1. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka

Shawn Michaels debuts another Wrestlemania, this time against the lazily racist caricature that is Tatanka. As usual, Sherri is hovering by ringside, watching him wrestle, but not actually in his corner. That interaction has been going on for like a year now.

Shawn Michaels does his usual bit here – petulant complaining to the ref and over-the-top falls when he sells moves. It’s a fun match.

…or so I thought. 22 goddamn agonizing minutes later and my enthusiasm has waned. Opening matches should be quick and high energy to get the crowd immediately excited.

vlcsnap-2016-03-06-16h42m48s235 — It should not be 12 minutes of chin locks

On the mic, Bobby Heenan and Macho Man say what we’re all thinking:

Macho Man: “This match should have been over by now”
Bobby Heenan:”It should have been over 30 moves ago”

Michaels barely touches the ref outside the ring and gets counted out or something? It’s out of nowhere and it’s a crappy ending

Overall: Not a great start. Horrible booking

2. The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott) vs. The Headshrinkers (Samu and Fatu)

Hoo boy. Let’s get this over with. Macho Man is more optimistic than me and says “This should be a great match. Even better than the last one”

Scott and Fatu start in the ring and exchange some blows. Scott gives Fatu a clotheline, which announcer Jim Ross calls a “Steiner Line”. I am briefly entertained by the thought that every move they do will be re-branded by Jim Ross to be Steiner-related. An arm bar will become a Stein-bar. A chin lock will be a Rick Lock. A suplex will be a Stein-plex.

10p3pq — A botched move will be a Steinicide

I am honestly not sure if Fatu fucked up there or not. Generally the way that move works, you drop the guy on the top rope, not launch him right over the top. Macho Man and Jim Ross actually comment on that for the next couple of minutes.

After that move, Scott is a destroyed mess and the Headshrinkers just lay on a pounding. Eventually Scott makes the tag and Rick gets to play the hero rescue role. Jim Ross refers to Rick Steiner as Dog Face, which is great. Why not just call him “Fuc’t brow” or “Sea Monster”?

While I’m making jokes, Fatu puts Rick on his shoulders and when Samu goes for the clothesline, Rick catches him (on another guys shoulders) and power slams him. It’s a very unexpected and very cool move.

Fresh on the heels of that, Scott hits a Frankensteiner and the match is over.

Overall: Not a horrible match. It had 3 huge moves that were great

3. Doink the Clown vs. Crush

Look gang! It’s Doink the Clown – in his SECOND Wrestlemania. What’s that? When was his first? Glad you asked, hypothetical reader who talks to his computer. He was in the very first Wrestlemania against Ricky Steamboat!

There is nothing spectacular to recap in this match. Neither wrestler is that good, the moves are all telegraphed and clumsy and neither character is that interesting.

The ref gets knocked down, Doink gets knocked out of the ring and in the confusion a 2nd Doink comes out from under the apron. The 2nd Doink interferes, clobbers Crush, it’s the dumbest thing I’ve seen and who cares. Who. Cares.

Overall: Two Doinks!

4. Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund

Yep. This is an actual Wrestlemania match. Ramon, ostensibly the heel, comes out to a huge pop, Bob Backlund comes out to what can best be classified as polite indifference. The WWE has always been a little tone deaf when it comes to who the fans like.

I wish there was something entertaining to say about this match. Bob Backlund goes on a tiny amount of offence and the crowd is stone cold silent. Out of nowhere, Ramon hits a small package and gets the win

vlcsnap-2016-03-12-15h52m12s20 — If they can’t be bothered to come up with a match, I can’t be bothered to come up with a joke

Overall: That was garbage

5. Tag Team Championship Match: Money Inc (Ted Dibiase and IRS) vs. The Mega Friends Powers Maniacs (Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake)

Money incorporated put their belts on the line in the second title defense of the night. Hogan and Beefcake are sporting a black eye and stupid face mask, respectively

vlcsnap-2016-03-12-20h23m17s103 — It’s a toss up which looks worse

In real life, Hogan had been in a jet ski accident. They worked the injury into the match by saying Money Inc attacked him in the dressing room backstage.

At this point of his career, Hogan has given up any pretense of actual wrestling and is just throwing haymakers. Even Macho points out “not many wrestling holds from the Hulkster”

reflective macho — Maybe I wasted my career by actually trying to be a talented wrestler?

Halfway through the match, Money Inc decides to bail on the match and go back to the dressing room. Taking the mic, the ref lets them know that (contrary to the actual rules of WWE) “If Money Inc does not return to the ring, they will forfeit the belt”.

I think every professional sport would be improved if the ref had the ability to alter the rules of the game on the fly.

ed-hochulis — Patriots – penalty, offside. Also, if Tom Brady does not full-on make out with Drew Bledsoe on the 50 yard line, the Patriots are banned from the NFL forever.

The match continues and Ted Dibiase makes the cardinal mistake of putting Hogan in a choke hold. Really surprisingly, Hogan doesn’t Hulk The Fuck Out. Beefcake comes in and clears house, but Money Inc. regains the advantage.

Money Inc. takes off Beefcakes mask and start punching him in the face. Beefcake oversells every punch and I guess the gist is that his face bones are really soft and squishy now? Because he’s healing or something?

Hogan gets the tag and then a bunch of weird things happen. The ref is knocked out, Hogan hits Money Inc with the “titanium” face mask, the Mega Maniacs collectively pin Money Inc, Jimmy Hart reverses his jacket so it’s a referee stripes and then counts for the 3. A new ref comes out and says Money Inc is disqualified so they keep the belts.

vlcsnap-2016-03-13-09h43m45s22 — Mega Maniacs triumphantly celebrate their technical loss

Overall: I think this match might have been the high point of this PPV which is really unfortunate

6. Mr. Perfect vs. Lex Lugar

The match hasn’t started and I’m already disappointed. I’m pretty sure Perfect is going to put Lugar over. Poor Mr Perfect. He deserves better.

Lugar was still doing his “Narcissist” bit at this point so we are treated to 5 minutes of posing

vlcsnap-2016-03-13-09h48m20s196 — I thought Beefcake was in the last match?

At the start of the match, Macho Man calls Bobby Heenan “Camel breath”. I have no idea what that insult means in this context. Normally, that’s something Jesse Ventura would say to the Iron Sheik or something. It’s completely random. Why not call him “Panda breath” or “Unicorn Breath”?

vlcsnap-2016-03-13-10h02m45s153 — Are camels even known for the quality of their breath? While I continue to wonder about this, I guess there’s some wrestling going on in the background

Macho and Heenan basically bicker for the whole match. They barely call the action. I’m not sure if this is a bit or if they are genuinely irritated with each other.

More wresting continues in the background. It’s pretty routine stuff, nothing that great. Perfect is having trouble dragging a math out of Lugar.

It ends when Lugar reverses a back… slide… flip-pin?

vlcsnap-2016-03-13-10h11m57s44 — I don’t actually know what it’s called

Overall: This Wrestlemania is just dragging on and on

7. Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez

I have almost nothing to say about this match

vlcsnap-2016-03-13-10h15m59s151 — I’m going to let the disgusting flesh suit do the talking for me

Gonzalez is as much a wrestler as I am. He quite obviously has no idea what he’s doing. This entire match is a farce. The whole thing is punch after punch.

It ends when Gonzalez chloroforms The Undertaker. Sure. Why the fuck not.

The booking in this event was abysmal. There were so few clean wins. We now have 7 matches and 3 disqualifications, 2 suspicious endings and 1 clean pin. Fuck you, Wrestlemania IX.

Overall: I love the Undertaker, but this was embarrassing

8. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna

Did I say embarrassing? I forgot about this travesty of a match. Rather than bother with a recap, I’ll just let Bret Hart tell you about it

Bret Hart on the Controversy behind Dropping the Belt to Hulk Hogan via Yokozuna at Wrestlemania 9 and Hogan’s Flat-out Refusal to Put Him over in a Match

“On April 2, 1993, [I] went to my room just in time to answer a call from Vince, who asked me to come to his suite to talk.I knocked on his door and he answered it with that goofy grin. We sat down, and Vince said, “This is what I want to do. I want you to drop the belt to Yoko tomorrow.”

This was not what I had expected. I sat there dumbstruck as he went on to explain how Fuji would screw me by throwing salt in my face, blinding me. After Yoko was handed the belt, Hogan would rush to my aid and in some kind of roundabout way Hogan would end up winning the belt from Yoko right then and there!

Like I was handing Vince my sword, I told him I appreciated everything he did for me and I’d do whatever he wanted. Vince said, “Don’t get bitter. I still have big plans for you.” Sound bites flashed through my mind of Vince assuring me that I was the long-term champion, and not to worry about Hogan, who still hadn’t even spoken to me yet.

As I stood up to leave, I asked, “Did you take the belt from me because I didn’t do a good enough job?”

“Of course not! I’m just going in a different direction. It’s still onwards and upwards for you. Nothing is going to change too much for you.”

I was totally crushed

As I lay in bed that night, the more I thought about what Vince had in mind for Hogan, the more I felt that it would completely backfire on both of them. The hokey finish would stink, maybe not immediately, but in the weeks to come my fans, who were the biggest contingent in Vince’s paying audience at that time, would gag on it. There was something different about my fans. They really believed in me as a person.

By the time I got to the dressing room the following afternoon, word that I was losing the title had leaked out to the boys. Most of them were quiet and some were angry. The Nasty Boys, Shawn, Taker and several others expressed their utter disappointment. Knowing I was losing the belt didn’t stop me from planning on having a great match. I went over everything with Yoko and designed the match so that all the best moves were left for the final minute.

Hulk arrived with his entourage: his wife, manager, Beefcake and Jimmy Hart. Clearly he’d been in the know all along, probably from the first day he came back. Now he was suddenly acting like my long-lost old pal and wearing a big smile that rightfully belonged to me.”

Overall: This match was garbage and this was a terrible event

Top 5 Ultimate Warrior Matches Of All Time

March 19, 2016March 20, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

The Ultimate Warrior was only in the WWE for a comparatively brief time, but during his run he established himself as one of the most popular wrestlers to ever hit the ring. While his matches weren’t the most technical, and he never seemed to get the hang of the whole “wrestling” part of his job, there’s no denying his matches were wonderfully fun to watch.

We’ve scoured our archives to pull out the best Ultimate Warrior matches of his career. We used an incredibly scientific rating system, namely the number of crazy Gary Busey thumbs up each match received.

gary_busey_galler_04 — Honestly, Gary Busey is the only guy crazy enough to be able to rate the matches

#5. The Honky Tonk Man vs. Ultimate Warrior for the Intercontinental Belt – Summerslam 1988

Much like you would start any Hogan list with his legendary match against the Iron Sheik to capture the belt, we had to start with Ultimate’s match against the Honkey Tonk Man for the Intercontinental title.

This match perfectly captures what was so great about the Warrior. Prior to the start, they had teased that Honkey Tonk was going to fight a mystery opponent. The crowd wasn’t sure who they were going to get, until they heard the music.

DUHN.

DUHN. DUN DUN DUHN.

DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUN

“Uh oh, this doesn’t look good” – Honky Tonk Man, SummerSlam ’88

Say what you will about the Warrior, his entrance was fantastic for getting the crowd going. This match is over in 30 seconds, the Warrior runs in like a complete lunatic, does a few simple moves and gets the pin. The most entertaining part of the match is the Ref trying to get out of his way

What pace should we set for the crowd and agaggghhh

Overall: A great introduction to the Ultimate Warrior. We gave this one 3 Gary Buseys

3 busey

#4. Rick Rude vs. Ultimate Warrior for the Heavyweight Championship Belt at Summerslam 1990 – Cage Match

Rick Rude had a series of matches against the Ultimate Warrior between 1989 / 1990 that started with their meeting in Wrestlemania V and then again in SummerSlam ’89. Rick Rude was one of the few people that could make the Ultimate Warrior look like an actual wrestler. While all three of the matches are really entertaining, this one was the best.

Rude and Warrior get into it right away and spend the first 5 minutes throwing each other into the cage. Rude gets busted open almost immediately. I re-watched, but I couldn’t see the cut. The Warrior follows right after with a cut of his own.

I feel like Rick Rude was trying to prove something in this match, but I don’t know what. For example, here he is jumping off the top of the cage, which is a level of acrobatics somewhat out of character for him

Who do I think I am? Rick Snuka? — Who do I think I am? Ricky Superfly Snuka?

Warrior unsurprisingly pulls out the win after beating up Heenan for awhile and then climbing out of the cage.

Overall: I remain very impressed by Rude’s ability to pull an actual wrestling match out of the Ultimate Warrior. We gave this one 3.5 Gary Buseys
3 and a bit busey

#3. Macho Man vs. Ultimate Warrior for the Heavyweight Championship Belt at SummerSlam 1992

Heading into this match, Ultimate Warrior and Macho Man had some relationship problems they needed to work through. Although both guys were faces at the time, through a series of incredibly unlikely series of events, (all of which included unconscious referees) neither Macho Man or Ultimate Warrior trusted each other. They thought the other one hired Mr. Perfect to be in their corner.

annual-doctor-visit — Just how many times have you been knocked unconscious? If the answer is more than “none” that’s *too many times*

vlcsnap-2016-01-27-21h03m18s21 — Just how many times have you been knocked unconscious? If the answer is more than “none” that’s *too many times*

Royal Rumble 1993 Recap

March 13, 2016March 13, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. The Beverly Brothers (Beau and Blake) vs. The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott)

Hey! It’s the Steiners! The crazy, crazy fucking Steiners!

vlcsnap-2016-02-26-20h46m27s226 — Wearing color patterns that even the most flamboyant costume designer on broadway would find over the top

This match is a dull, shitty, dull dud. The Steiners barely lasted more than a year in the WWE, maybe it’s because they couldn’t find their grooves.

Or maybe it’s because they nearly fucking murdered one of the Beverly Brothers at the end of this match

zwmdd

Overall: I’ll give this match a 10 just for Frankensteiner at the end

2. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Marty Jannetty

The added wrinkle to this match is the Sensational Sherri. She’s involved in the storyline, somehow. The second wrinkle is Marty Jannetty’s outfit

vlcsnap-2016-02-28-15h41m51s99 — *Designer notes: Needs 3 more tassels*

This match was supposed to take place six months earlier, but was sidelined when Jannetty was arrested for murder. Or drunk driving. Something. I’m not a details guy.

According to Scott’s Blog of Doom, Jannetty was completely shitfaced for this match. You can kind of see where a few moves are bit off. I’m not sure if this makes the match more or less impressive.

After a quick run by Jannetty, Michaels takes complete control of the match. Knowing now that Jannetty wasn’t on his A-game, you can really see how Michaels carries the match. Jannetty hits a few power moves near the end of the match (superkick, DDT) but Michaels keeps kicking out.

The ref gets knocked unconscious, and Sherri accidentally hits Jannetty with his shoe. Michaels hits a very nonchalant superkick and gets the pin and retains the belt.

vlcsnap-2016-02-28-16h01m09s162 — Then everyone kind of just stands around for awhile. It’s a very weird ending

Overall: That really wasn’t worth the hype

3. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Big Boss Man

This is confusing. Big Boss Man is on his way down, which would mean Bam Bam is on his way.. up? I feel like this match is basically a replay of the horrible, horrible match at Wrestlemania IV between Bam Bam and One Man Gang.

These two big fat idiots mix it up pretty well, but it’s nothing spectacular. I’m mostly too distracted by trying to figure out how these two are related.

bam bam big boss man — Brothers? Cousins? They’re actually the same person?

The only other thing of note is that Bam Bam has gotten noticeably fatter since his departure from the WWE.

As the match progresses, Bam Bam puts a very very long rest hold on the Boss Man. Boss Man powers out and transitions into an extremely clumsy suplex. Some more back and forth happens until Bam Bam gets the upper hand and goes to the top rope for a big, fat body press

Bam Bam gets the win

Overall: This is 50 minutes into the Royal Rumble and we still haven’t gotten to the actual Royal Rumble. This is terrible

4. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Razor Ramon

Can you believe it? This was Razor Ramon’s only match for the belt in whole time he was in the WWE. Maybe that’s why he left so quickly?

Razor starts off with some heavy offense but Bret dodges a charge into the turnbuckle which results in Razor hurting his leg. You see this technique in a lot of Bret matches against bigger guys – he goes after the knee.

Sadly, Razor forgets about this technique about 7 minutes into the match and completely no-sells the injury.

vlcsnap-2016-03-06-10h22m01s109 — He also no-sells being Cuban

After Razor miraculously heals from he knee injury, the story shifts to Bret having damaged ribs. Razor takes advantage by applying a rib-based offense

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA — Rib Offense is also the name of Denny’s new breakfast special

The momentum shifts and Bret starts laying down a good beating. He goes for the Sharpshooter, but Ramon manages to scramble out. Razor returns the favor by going after the Razor’s Edge, but now it’s Bret’s turn to scramble out.

vlcsnap-2016-03-06-10h33m56s89 — Then they hold hands and dance because they are BFF’s

Bret ends up doing some really weird move that Gorilla calls a bow and arrow that leads to both guys tangled up on the ground. From that position, Bret converts somehow into a Sharpshooter, Razor submits and that’s it. Bret wins and keeps the belt

Overall: Pretty good match

Interlude: Introducing The Narcissist: Lex Lugar

Some of you might remember that when Lex Lugar was introduced in the WWE, it was as the “Narcissist”, a very short-lived character that they quickly transitioned away from.

The only reason I’m even covering this is that Lex Lugar looks exactly like the villain from Superman VI.

vlcsnap-2016-03-06-10h49m12s32 nm1

Okay, let’s keep going!

5. The Royal Rumble

The first 10 minutes: 1. Ric Flair / 2. Bob Backlund / 3. Papa Shango / 4. Million Dollar Man / 5. A Nasty Boy / 6. Virgil

Hey, this is an… interesting start to the match. Ric Flair and Bob Backlund. These guys once fought for the NWA belt in 1982! Papa Shango runs in but is eliminated almost immediately. It’s worth noting that fans in 1993 effing hated Papa Shango. Not as a heel, but just as a stupid, pointless, boring gimmick.

Million Dollar Man is out next. At this point, the average age of the wrestlers in the ring (Flair and Backlund were 43, Dibiase was 39) is 41. Electric! One of the Nasty Boys is next to bring the median age down and the crows is fairly apathetic. Will the next competitor ramp up the excitement?

The Nasty Boy is eliminated by Dibiase leaving 4 very dull wrestlers in the ring.

Minutes 10 – 20: 7. Jerry Lawler / 8. Max Moon / 9. Genichiro Tenryu / 10. Mr. Perfect

Jerry Lawler is also 43. 1993 WWE did not have a ton of new talent. Why not just slap a pair of tights on Gorilla Monsoon? He’s only like 73 at this point.

We’re up to number 8 and it’s Max Moon!

Goddammit, who? Seriously, who the shit is Max Moon

With this random stranger in the ring, Gorilla notes “This is starting to get interesting”. I couldn’t disagree more. Genichiro Tenryu runs in next and honestly, who the fuck are these people? Did McMahon just have an open casting call before this match started? Note that I never see Max Moon get eliminated, they don’t show it and Gorilla never mentions it. Great job, masked weirdo!

Finally Mr Perfect enters, and the crowd is ecstatic just to see an enterant they recognize. Perfect goes after Flair and everyone basically stops wrestling to watch them.

vlcsnap-2016-03-06-11h58m49s72 — I’m not joking, Tenryu is strolling around in the background, just happy to be earning $780 for the night

Minutes 21: 30: 11. Skinner / 12. Koko B Ware / 13. A Headshrinker / 14. The Berzerker / 15. The Undertaker

Keeping the talent level nice and terrible, Skinner comes in next. Mr Perfect eliminates Flair to easily the biggest pop of the night. “Finally, something happened” the crowd seems to be saying.

Koko comes out at number 12. I didn’t know he was still even wrestling. As I’m musing on the lack of talent in 1992 WWE, Mr. Perfect eliminates Skinner with a drop kick. Entrants 13 and 14 are a Headshrinker and the Berzerker. No eliminations through this period. Mr. Perfect makes another elimination and gets rid of Jerry Lawler. Dibiase throws Perfect out right after him. While that was happening, Virgil got eliminated off screen

Number 15 is the Undertaker

Even he seems pissed off to be in this trash

The crowd gives their biggest pop of the night, hoping this match will turn around. He immediately starts clearing house starting with The Headshrinker and Tenryu.

Minutes 30 – 40: 16. Terry Taylor / 17. Damien Demento / 18. IRS / 19. Tatanka / 20. The Other Nasty Boy

Terry Taylor is number 16 and is not wrestling as the Red Rooster anymore. Basically the second he enters the ring, he is eliminated, along with Koko B Ware. Undertaker then throws out Dibiase. Only Undertaker and Berzerker are left and Undertaker gets rid of him quickly.

They use this moment to introduce Giant Gonzalez. A one-shot, very stupid wrestler introduced simply because Undertaker was running out of credible competition and they needed a match for the upcoming WrestleMania

vlcsnap-2016-03-06-12h18m10s166 — The less said about the flesh-colored outfit the better

These two very briefly face off in the ring and Gonzalez immediately eliminates Undertaker. They keep fighting outside the ring.

Meanwhile, the only actual participant in the Royal Rumble is #17 – Damien Demento and poor Bob Backlund. IRS is the next entrant, but no one is getting in the ring because Gonzalez keeps beating up the Undertaker. The whole match has grind to a halt.

Finally the match continues, but they just leave Undertaker unconscious in the corner

vlcsnap-2016-03-06-12h20m23s213 — He gets paid more for lying there than Tenryu gets for wrestling

Tatanka and The Nasty Boy are out next. God help up, Tatanka is the biggest name in the ring right now.

Minutes 40 – 50 21: Typhoon / 22. The Other Headshrinker / 23. Earthquake / 24. Carlos Colon / 25. Tito Santana

I’ll fast forward you through the next 10 minutes. A bunch of people come out and some people get eliminated and none of it is entertaining or watchable. Well except Tito Santana. He’s delightful

Minutes 50 – end: 26. Rick Martel / 27. Yokozuna / 28. Owen Hart / 29. Repo Man / 30. Randy Savage

After Rick Martel comes in, #27 is Yokozuna. It’s slightly entertaining to watch him clear house, but not enough to save the event. His eliminations are extremely clumsy.

Eventually it comes down to just Yokozuna and Macho Man. The match ends with a very strange move – Macho Man gets Yokozuna on his back and goes for – a pin. In a Royal Rumble.

vlcsnap-2016-03-06-12h40m44s130 — Sure. Makes sense

Even the crowd was kind of shocked the ending was this stupid.

Overall: That was a very tough Royal Rumble to get through. That was awful

Survivor Series 1992 Recap

March 6, 2016March 6, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. High Energy (Owen Hart and Koko B Ware) vs. The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu)

“High Energy” huh? What was the creative meeting like when they came up with this name? Was “Exciting Wrestlers” already taken? Did WCW have rights to “Dynamic Athletes?”

vlcsnap-2016-02-11-20h42m08s146 — Jumping Happy Wrestle Friends?

This match is fine I guess. I didn’t pay a ton of attention because I was trying to think up more stupid tag team names that are worse than “High Energy”. Young Stallions? Power and Glory? Strike Force?

Whatever. These stupid morons get their asses handed to them by the Headshrinkers. This makes Koko B Wares last PPV (not counting Royal Rumbles). So long you bird-themed weirdo.

Overall: Garbage

2. Nailz vs. Big Boss Man

I guess it was in 1992 when Survivor Series stopped the Survivor Series part of the event?

The gimmick here is this is a “nightstick” match where a nightstick is placed at the top of a pole in the corner of the ring. Whoever manages to get it can use it to beat their opponent.

vlcsnap-2016-02-11-20h53m12s186 — The precursor to ladder matches

Given the two people in the ring, it’s no surprise that wrestling is as far away from this match as subtly is from a Michael Bay movie. It’s power move, try to get the stick. Power move – stick. Power – stick. Powerstick.

Eventually, Boss Man gets the stick and then he beats Nailz with it. Yay, I guess.

Overall: Nothing is happening that is making me like Survivor Series to any greater degree

3. Tatanka vs. Rick Martel

Sigh. Just go read my review from Wrestlemania VIII, it’s the same thing.

For no reason connected with the fight, Doink the Clown comes down to ringside

vlcsnap-2016-02-15-19h35m28s246 — AKA the dumbest wrestling gimmick ever

Neither wrestler pays any attention to Doink the Clown and he doesn’t pay any attention to them. Meanwhile, the crowd doesn’t know what to look at and as a result is pretty quiet, not really focusing on the match

vlcsnap-2016-02-15-19h38m28s66 — Which is a shame, because Tatanka is really showing them something

Both guys put on a decent work that ends when Tatanka hits Rick Martel with a back drop. Doink had nothing to do with the event.

Overall: I guess fine? And good job Doink?

4. Macho Man and Mr. Perfect vs. Ric Flair and Razor Ramon

This match was supposed to be Macho Man and the Ultimate Warrior, but Warrior had just left the company due to a drug scandal. Mr. Perfect was added at the last minute. This was also the start of Mr. Perfect’s run as a babyface. We’ll see how Mr. Perfect does given how rusty he is. His last match was against Bret Hart in the 91 SummerSlam as a heel.

vlcsnap-2016-02-15-19h57m17s231 — Razor Ramon also was still trying to figure out how many toothpicks he needed (he would eventually settle on 6)

Perfect starts the match off, getting the upper hand – first on Razor Ramon and then on Ric Flair. Macho tags in and loses the momentum, leading to a very long run where he gets to play the “hero in distress” half of the tag team, giving Mr. Perfect the perfect (ha?) chance to play up his new babyface role.

As Macho is beaten senseless, Mr Perfect teases like he’s going to leave, getting the crowd good and worked up. After a long run of abuse, Macho finally makes the tag and Mr. Perfect comes in to clear house. Perfect accidentally runs into the ref and knocks him out.

Perfect nails the Perfectplex, but with no ref, there’s no pin.

vlcsnap-2016-02-15-20h14m16s22 — There is a shitload of crazy ab-work though

Chairs are eventually thrown in to the ring and the match ends with a disqualification. Macho and Perfect get the win

Overall: Pretty good

5. Yokozuna vs. Virgil

Ha! Goddamn, Virgil has no chance. There isn’t even a hint of a match to be had here.

This is Yokozuna’s debut and he is a giant, fat intimidating wrestler. Will Virgil start off by trying to knock over the giant fat guy and then be surprised when he doesn’t knock down the giant fat guy?

vlcsnap-2016-02-15-20h24m53s10 — Called it

Poor Virgil. Yokozuna just destroys him. There’s a great moment at the end when Yokozuna drops the big leg on Virgil and you can hear the whole audience go “ooooohhh”.

Overall: A nice, big debut for nice, big Yokozuna

6. The Nasty Boys and Natural Disasters vs. Money Inc. and the Beverly Brothers

My DVD went screwy for this match and I had to skip it. I was really, really happy about that because I really, really didn’t want to watch it. According to Wikipedia, The Nasty Boys and Natural Disaster won. I don’t care. I think this was the only “Survivor Series” part of the match?

Overall: Here’s a picture of Voltron, which is maybe more entertaining than the match we didn’t watch

7. Undertaker vs. Kamala – Coffin Match

The promo for this match has Undertaker building the actual coffin that will be used in the coffin match. Why would a zombie monster giant be good at woodworking?

vlcsnap-2016-02-18-20h14m09s187 — Why the heck *wouldn’t I be?*

I guess the Undertaker liked to explore other vocations if this whole wrestling thing didn’t pan out.

This match is simultaneously dull and great. Early Undertaker matches were all about pairing the Undertaker against some monster and then having the Undertaker take a crazy amount of punishment before getting up. There is nothing even remotely resembling wrestling.

Kamala gets the quick upper hand and splashes the Undertaker a bunch of times. Undertaker gets up, grabs the urn and hits Kamala. Kamala is unconscious and Undertaker gets the pin.

Next up – nailing Kamala into the urn. The Undertaker must be nervous, he hammers with all the accuracy of Donald Trump’s casual racism

vlcsnap-2016-02-18-20h26m07s194 — I honestly never knew so much of wrestling was basic carpentry

Overall: I just can’t be unhappy with an Undertaker match

8. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels

Some backstory here – Bret Hart dropped the Intercontinental belt to Davey Boy Smith at Summerslam, but then quickly beat Ric Flair for the championship belt. Shawn Michaels then beat Davey Boy, setting up this match.

We’re starting one of my favorite periods of wrestling. Due to the steroid scandals of the early 90’s, MacMahon was – for a very short period of time – showing preference for smaller, more agile wrestlers who weren’t obviously made entirely of human growth hormones.

The beginning of this match is just pure wrestling. No power moves at all, just tons of grappling, takedowns and quick reversals. It’s great. It’s a match you would never see today.

Bret really controls the early part of the match using his wrestling power and Shawn Michaels gets frustrated.

vlcsnap-2016-02-26-20h15m02s39 — He’s either frustrated or finishing

He uses the power of wrestling frustration to put Bret Hart in a headlock that lasts like 8 minutes. I’m bored.

Bret turns the table on Michaels with a suplex and goes on a heavy offense. We’re about a the 20 minute mark and these guys have used a ton of moves on each other.

At the end of the match, Michaels hits Hart with as super kick and then a huge suplex. After some last scrambling, Michaels goes for a drop kick off the top rope which Bret Hart surprisingly catches and converts into a sharpshooter.

Michaels submits and Hart retains the belt.

Overall: Great match, especially the last 8 minutes. The 10 minute run in the middle was a bit dry

SummerSlam ’92 Recap

February 28, 2016February 28, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

WWE finally goes over the ocean to Wembly Stadium for the 1992 SummerSlam. This is an outdoor event, which I have always found slightly unnerving. Wrestling should be held in darkened stadiums, surrounded by drunken idiots. These are our people.

Attendance for this one was just over 80 thousand, making it (at least) the third largest event in WWE history.

1. Money Inc. (Ted Dibiase and IRS) vs. The Legion of Doom (Hawk and Animal)

This is a very standard LOD match. Tons of power moves, not a lot of technique. Money Inc. mostly go after Hawk (or Animal, I don’t know) with some dull, choke-hold based offense.

vlcsnap-2016-01-24-19h06m47s39 — Stare at this picture for 8 solid minutes and you get the idea

Pretty straightforward end to the match, the LOD throw Dibiase into IRS and then Animal (or Hawk, I don’t know) hits a powerslam and gets the pin

Overall: It’s a fine, standard start to the event

2. Virgil vs. Nailz

Nailz didn’t have much of a run in the WWE. He was in this PPV and then the ’92 Survivor Series, but shortly after was fired after attacking Vince McMahon over a financial dispute.

vlcsnap-2016-01-24-20h12m49s226 — I bet he even had a whole backstory for the gibberish written on the back of his jumpsuit

This match is a pretty solid work by Virgil, but Nailz demolishes him pretty quickly and wins with a sleeper hold.

Overall: Meh

3. Shawn Michaels with Sherri Martel vs. Rick Martel

This match has a “no punching in the face” rule because Sherri Martel liked both guys and both of them had a crush on her. They probably passed her notes in gym class?

This match is about 10x more entertaining than it has any right to be with such a stupid concept behind it. Both guys bring their A-game with a ton of fast moves and great playing to the audience. Great job guys!

vlcsnap-2016-01-24-20h25m40s11 — No problem, WWE Replay!

The match ends with both guys about to hit each other in the face, when Sherri faints. Both guys go to check on her and Martel gives her CPR – a technique that has never ever been recommended for a simple case of the vapors. Both men are counted out and Sherri is left by herself.

Overall: A fun match that brought up the pace of the event

4. Tag Team Championship Match: Beverly Brothers (Bo and Blake) vs. The Natural Disasters (Earthquake and Tugboat)

Hoo boy. I do not care for the Natural Disasters and I don’t really remember the Beverly Brothers. I’m looking forward to this the same way Daniel Day Lewis looks forward to movies where he doesn’t get a chance to wear goddamn massive, ridiculous hats

Daniel Day Lewis Hats — Seriously, I think he gets paid by the hat-inch

The Beverly Brothers do an okay job keeping this match interesting, but they’re not working with much. They go on a monotonously long offensive run against Tugboat and when the ref is distracted, they hit him with a foreign object.

As they go for the pin, Earthquake interferes and comes in to demolish everyone. After some various fat-based attacks, they get the pin on Blake or Bo (can’t tell which is which) and they keep the belts

Overall: Given I didn’t at all expect to enjoy this and it wasn’t entirely awful, I’m pretty happy with it

5. Repo Man vs. Crush

This is sort of interesting because here’s Repo and Crush now:

vlcsnap-2016-01-27-20h27m51s35 — I don’t get why Repo Man has a hook

Here’s Repo and Crush 5 years earlier

demolition crush — We were demolition, remember?

They were demolition, remember?

The match itself is fine. It’s a perfectly serviceable match. Crush wins by smooshing Repo Man’s head.

Overall: I’m going on record as saying Repo Man is one of the dumbest ideas WWE has had

6. Heavyweight Championship Match: Macho Man vs. Ultimate Warrior

Heading into this match, Ultimate Warrior and Macho Man had some relationship problems. Through a series of incredibly unlikely series of events, (all of which included unconscious referees) neither Macho Man or Ultimate Warrior trusted each other and thought the other one hired Mr. Perfect to be in their corner.

Gang, will this match be as good as Macho / Warrior from Wrestlemania VII? It’s essentially the same thing except the crowd is actively booing Macho Man.

One difference is the pace, it’s a very aggressive, fast paced match. Not a single arm bar or chin lock. Just non stop body slams and big impact moves. Within 10 minutes both guys seem exhausted.

As the match continues, Macho seems to have injured his back and Warrior seems to have hurt his neck. Both guys are at the end of their energy when Mr. Perfect finally comes out and everyone is wondering which guy hired him.

Macho goes to the ropes and Mr. Perfect trips him. So now everyone thinks Perfect is in Warriors corner. Macho man is understandably upset

During the action, the ref gets knocked out and when Warrior goes for the pin, the ref doesn’t see it. When the ref comes back to, he gets knocked out again by Savage.

As Savage is trying to revive the official, Mr. Perfect attacks the Warrior. So I guess Mr. Perfect is in nobody’s corner.

maxresdefault — Nobody puts Perfect in a corner

The match ends when Ric Flair hits Warrior with a chair. Savage ends up going after Flair and then Perfect and Flair beat him up for awhile and Macho Man is counted out of the ring. Warrior them chases off and then celebrates with Macho Man

Overall: That match was way better than the Wrestlemania one. Nice job everyone!

7. Kamala vs. The Undertaker

Shit! Yes!

vlcsnap-2016-02-11-19h42m40s72 — Awesome!

vlcsnap-2016-02-11-19h47m18s62 — Goddamn Awesome!

Overall: Whew!

8. Intercontinental Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Davey Boy Smith

Man, Bret Hart sure is on a crazy run of “best of the decade” matches, isn’t he? In the past year (of 1991 – 1992) he’s had the crazy good match against Mr. Perfect at the last Summerslam, followed by the crazy good match against Rowdy Piper at Wrestlemania VIII and now this one.

The rumor is that Davey Boy was either high or on no sleep for this match. From Wikipedia:

“Bret Hart later revealed in an interview that he doubted the legitimacy of the injury and that he believed Davey Boy in fact had a drug problem and that in the two months prior to their match he could not contact him to sort out what they were going to do at Wembley, and when they finally got to the stadium Smith revealed that he had not slept in over 48 hours. However, Hart also stated that as bad as Smith’s personal issues were, he “sucked it up” and hit every spot in the match”

The first part is nothing but capital-W Wrestling. It’s Bret and Davey Boy showing off how fantastically better they are then everyone. Lots of quick headlock takedowns, arm bar escape, jockeying back and forth for position while going for quick pin falls. It’s super.

Bret is on offense for most of this match and the crowd pretty quickly turns on him. It’s an interesting storytelling choice to set up Davey Boy as the underdog and it works great. Bret is using really aggressive tactics to sell himself as the temporary heel for the match. They keep cutting to reaction shots of Diana Hart – Bret’s sister and Davey Boy’s wife

vlcsnap-2016-02-11-20h18m30s242 — “God Bret, you’re such an asshole”

After an incredibly one-sided beating that lasts 20 minutes, Davey Boy finally shows some signs of life and goes on offense. He hits Bret with some big, big power moves and Bret keeps kicking out of the pin. They hit the sweet double clothesline and while they’re laying unconscious on the mat, Bret Hart manages to apply the Sharpshooter. He’s the best.

The match ends when Bret Hart misses a sunset flip and Davey Boy falls on him for the pin. Davey Boy gets the belt

Overall: Just a fantastic match and a great SummerSlam. What do you think Diana?

vlcsnap-2016-02-11-20h31m24s70 — Yaaay wrestling! Bret is still a dick though

1. Bret “The Hitman” Hart vs. Owen Hart

2. Bam Bam Bigalow and Luna Vachon vs. Doink the Clown and Dink the Clown

3. Randy Savage vs. Crush

4. Alundra Blaze vs. Leilani Kai

5. Tag Team Championship – Man on a Mission (Mabel and Mo) vs. The Quebecers

6. Heavyweight Championship Match: Yokozuna vs. Lex Lugar

7. Earthquake vs. Adam Bomb

8. Intercontinental Championship Match: Razor Ramon vs Shawn Michaels

9. Heavyweight Championship Match: Yokozuna vs. Bret Hart

1. Tatanka vs. Bam Bam Bigealow

2. The Quebecers (Jacques and Pierre) vs Bret Hart and Owen Hart

3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Razor Ramone vs. IRS

4. Undertaker vs. Yokozuna / everyone

5. The Royal Rumble

1. Razor Ramon, Randy Savage, Marty Jannetty, and The 1–2–3 Kid vs. IRS, Diesel, Rick Martel, and Adam Bomb

2. The Hart Family (Bret Hart, Owen Hart, Bruce Hart, and Keith Hart) vs Shawn Michaels and His Knights (Shawn Michaels, The Red Knight, The Blue Knight, and The Black Knight)

3. The Heavenly Bodies (Jimmy Del Ray and Tom Prichard) vs The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express (Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson)

4. The Four Doinks (The Bushwhackers (Luke and Butch) and Men on a Mission (Mabel and Mo) vs Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger, and The Headshrinkers (Samu and Fatu)

5. The All-Americans (Lex Luger, The Undertaker and The Steiner Brothers (Rick Steiner and Scott Steiner)) vs The Foreign Fanatics (Yokozuna, Crush, Ludvig Borga, and Quebecer Jacques)

1. Ted Dibiase vs. Razor Ramon

2. Tag Team Title Match: Heavenly Bodies (Tom Pritchard and Jimmy Del Rey) vs. Steiner Brothers

3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Perfect

4. IRS vs. 123 Kid

5. Bret Hart vs. Jerry Lawler / Doink the Clown

6. Marty Jannetty vs. Ludvig Borga

7. The Undertaker vs. The Giant Gonzalez

8. Tatanka and The Smoking Gunns (Billy Gunn and Bart Gunn) vs. Bam Bam Bigelow and The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu) (with Afa and Luna Vachon)

9. Lex Lugar vs. Yokozuna

1. Round 1, Match 1: Razor Ramon vs. Bret Hart

2. Round 1, Match 2: Mr. Hughes vs. Mr. Perfect

3. Round 1, Match 3: Hacksuck Shit Fuckhead vs. Bam Bam Bigalow

4. Round 1, Match 4: Lex Lugar vs. Tatanka

6. Round 2, Match 1: Bret Hart vs. Mr. Perfect

7. Heavyweight Championship Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Yokozuna

8. Pointless 8-man tag match: The Smoking Gunns (Billy and Bart Gunn) and The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott Steiner) vs. The Headshrinkers (Samu and Fatu) (with Afa) and Money Inc.(Ted DiBiase and IRS)

9. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Crush

10. King of the Ring Final: Bret Hart vs. Bam Bam Bigalow

1. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka

2. The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott) vs. The Headshrinkers (Samu and Fatu)

3. Doink the Clown vs. Crush

4. Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund

5. Tag Team Championship Match: Money Inc (Ted Dibiase and IRS) vs. The Mega Friends Powers Maniacs (Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake)

6. Mr. Perfect vs. Lex Lugar

7. Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez

8. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna

#5. The Honky Tonk Man vs. Ultimate Warrior for the Intercontinental Belt – Summerslam 1988

#4. Rick Rude vs. Ultimate Warrior for the Heavyweight Championship Belt at Summerslam 1990 – Cage Match

#3. Macho Man vs. Ultimate Warrior for the Heavyweight Championship Belt at SummerSlam 1992

#2. Hulk Hogan vs. Ultimate Warrior for the Heavyweight Championship Belt at Wrestlemania VI

#1. Macho Man vs. Ultimate Warrior – Career Match – Wrestlemania VII

1. The Beverly Brothers (Beau and Blake) vs. The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott)

2. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Marty Jannetty

3. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Big Boss Man

4. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Razor Ramon

Interlude: Introducing The Narcissist: Lex Lugar

5. The Royal Rumble

1. High Energy (Owen Hart and Koko B Ware) vs. The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu)

2. Nailz vs. Big Boss Man

3. Tatanka vs. Rick Martel

4. Macho Man and Mr. Perfect vs. Ric Flair and Razor Ramon

5. Yokozuna vs. Virgil

6. The Nasty Boys and Natural Disasters vs. Money Inc. and the Beverly Brothers

7. Undertaker vs. Kamala – Coffin Match

8. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels

1. Money Inc. (Ted Dibiase and IRS) vs. The Legion of Doom (Hawk and Animal)

2. Virgil vs. Nailz

3. Shawn Michaels with Sherri Martel vs. Rick Martel

4. Tag Team Championship Match: Beverly Brothers (Bo and Blake) vs. The Natural Disasters (Earthquake and Tugboat)

5. Repo Man vs. Crush

6. Heavyweight Championship Match: Macho Man vs. Ultimate Warrior

7. Kamala vs. The Undertaker

8. Intercontinental Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Davey Boy Smith