1. 6 Man Tag: Rougeau Brothers and Dino Bravo vs. Oh God Why Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Hart Foundation
Jesus Christ. I am so fucking sick of Hacksuck Shit Fuckhead. When did he finally retire from the WWE? < checks Wikipedia >. Ah shit, not until like ’93. Okay, let’s just get through this
The match starts – as always – with Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura arguing about whether Dino Bravo legitimately benched 700 pounds or whether Jesse helped him. I am kind of with Jesse on this one. Maybe Dino got a leg up from Jesse on the bench, but it doesn’t change the fact that he easily benched 400 – 600 lbs by himself a couple times. I mean, Jesus Gorilla, cut the guy some slack.
The match features some pretty good wrestling between the Hart Foundation and the Rougeaus. Lots of quick exchanges and reversals, some great power moves. The match is the best 2 out of 3, so they get the first pin out of the way pretty quickly. It’s the old Fabulous Crotch Sniff right into the face of the Hitman for the pin.
Fall two has the crotch-inhaled Hitman starting in the ring, so he’s pretty tired and gets beaten up for awhile. I have to hand it to the Rougeaus. I don’t really find them all that interesting, but they’re pretty decent wrestlers and they keep the match going at a good pace. To keep the Hitman’s spirits up, Hacksaw starts a “USA” chant. Jesse remarks (correctly) “I don’t understand it, why are they chanting USA when the Hitman comes from Calgary, Canada”.
Anyway, eventually Hart makes the tag to Hacksuck and Hacksuck is just fucking terrible. Just non stop punches and “hos”. Some moves occur and they get the pin and it’s tied at one fall apiece. On to the third fall.
Hacksuck starts this one off and Dino Bravo gets the upper hand. As is eternally the case when Hacksuck is being beaten, my erection could hammer the face off a sparrow. The Rougeaus get into the action with some more weird, odd crotch stuff. I think they have a fetish
Hacksuck gets a chance to nail Dino Bravo with the 2×4 and he takes it. Hitman gets the pin and this match is over
Overall: You know, Neidhart was barely in this match. I wonder if he was injured?
2. Super Pose Down: Rick Rude vs. Ultimate Warrior
This is exactly what it sounds like. A pose down (a super one, no less) between Ultimate Warrior and Rick Rude. Was this really the best way to use two of your top stars?
3. Woman’s Championship Match: Rockin Robin vs. Judy Martin
Holy shit! It’s Rockin’ Robin! I just looked her up on Wikipedia, she’s Sam Houston’s Sister.
HA HAHA HAHA HAAH AAHHA HA HA HA HA HA.
Oh man. They are just burning up the WWE. HA!
Overall: I don’t typically watch women’s matches. This one was no exception.
4. King Haku vs. Harley Race
Wow. I could not be less interested in a match than this one. Let’s just get this over with. This has to be a quick match, Harley Race was 46 at this point.
Not much to say about this match, except when Haku performs a suplex on Race and Jesse remarks “That was a textbook Suplex”. I was going to make a joke about that – after all, who would be so crazy as to write an entire fucking book about one move and… oh, never mind. Carry on with your fancy pants, liberal, book-learning suplexes.
This match is ponderous and slow. Harley Race moves exactly as quickly as a 46 year old man, and Haku is not that talented. Haku wins with a textbook reverse thrust kick and gets the win
Overall: This wasn’t a retirement match, so I may have to see either of these idiots in future PPV’s. So 0 / 10
5. The Royal Rumble!
The first 10 minutes: 1. Axe / 2. Smash / 3. Andre The Giant / 4. Mr Perfect / 5. Rugged Ronnie Garvin / 6. Greg Valentine
This starts off with both Axe and Smash in the ring and they actually start fighting! What a great little bit this was by the WWE. They didn’t even pull any of their punches and while neither had the upper hand it was fun to see the tag champs not mailing it and putting on a show for fans. Andre comes in next which is a great choice to not be overwhelmed by Demolition. Mr Perfect gets added to the mix doing what he does best and slowly walks to the ring and Andre uses the confusion to surprisingly eliminate Smash.
In comes Rugged Ronnie Garvin!
Next up is Greg Valentine who, unlike Mr. Perfect, puts a little jog into his ring approach. They all gang up on the Giant as expected and so far this is pretty dull – just a bunch of guys trying to get the Giant out any way they can. Garvin is eliminated abruptly by Andre via a hip toss.
Minutes 10 – 20: 7. Jake the Snake / 8. Ron Bass / 9. Shawn Michaels / 10. One of the Fucking Bushwhackers (Butch maybe?)/ 11. Honky Tonk Man
Jake comes out and goes right after Andre. Way to pick a fight with the biggest guy in the WWE you dummy. (Apparently Jake Roberts Snake Damian attacked Andre or something during one of the Saturday Night Main Events) Andre diverts all his energy and squashing Roberts puts him out just as Ron Bass is coming in – and the crowd goes silent. The action grinds to a halt with a bunch of rest moves. Mr. Perfect eliminates Axe and nearly eliminates Shawn Michaels.
Ah Jesus. It’s the Bushwhackers. It’s like two Hacksaw Jim Duggans. Just 2 stupid morons who can’t wrestle but man do they pump up the crowd.
Jake grabs Damien and Andre bails over the top rope. Good way and probably the only way to get rid of him. Honky is in the ring next and nothing exciting happens as nothing ever exciting happens when the Honky Tonk Man is involved
Minutes 20 – 30: 12. Tito Santana / 13. Bad News Brown / 14. Marty Jannetty / 15. Macho Man / 16. Arn Anderson
In comes Tito and he goes right after Mr. Perfect for a nice pop. More wrestling happens until Bad News comes out. Honky gets tossed by One of the Fucking Bushwhackers. Marty Jannetty is next and him and Shawn Michaels team up on Ron Bass to eliminate him. Tito hits Valentine with a beautiful flying forearm and yes, I will continue to screen cap every single instance of a Tito Santana Flying Forearm because it is a thing of beauty and sooo much better than the Superman punch of Roman Reigns.
Macho is out next, the crowd loses their minds and he attacks Bad News Brown. I don’t know why they’re feuding. Arn Anderson comes in and at the same time, Macho eliminates Valentine. Next up, Macho and Arn Anderson (which is an odd combination) eliminate Shawn Michaels.
Minutes 30 – 40: 17. Tully Blanchard / 18. Hulk Hogan / 19. The Other Goddamn Bushwhacker
As Tully Blanchard is running in, One of the Fucking Bushwhackers runs around the ring like an idiot for 20 seconds
Marty Jannetty gets eliminated just as Hogan runs in. Hogan gives a quick elimination to Mr. Perfect and somewhere off camera, Tito Santa is eliminated. Next comes the Other Goddamn Bushwhacker just in time as One of the Fucking Bushwhackers gets eliminated.
Hogan and Macho Man do some nice Mega Power team work to beat down Bad News Brown until everyone else in the ring notices and decides they want to all gain up on the Mega Powers.
Minutes 40 – end: 20. Koko B. Ware / 21. Warlord / 22. The Big Boss Man / 23. Akeem / 24. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
Koko B. Ware makes his way into the ring and immediately throws a bunch of drop kicks. While this is going on Hogan comes over, does a quick eye rake – immediately blinding Koko and then eliminates him. Hogan isn’t finished yet and eliminates the other bushwacker. He’s on fire and and eliminates Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson as the Warlord makes his way into the ring. Hogan Clotheslines him right back out and we have ourselves another elimination. Man that was great. But the next big surprise is Hogan eliminating Savage and Bad News Brown who were battling it out in the corner – resulting in the beginning of the end for the Mega Powers.
Bossman shows up having just downed what seems like an extra 30 pounds of pies before the rumble and him and Hogan start going at it. Hogan manages to slam him before Bossman recovers, drops a piledriver and a slam of his own. Wow did Boss man really just try and spit at Hogan – I really need to read up on this feud.
So the next part of this rumble really is just focusing on Hogan getting beat down by Bossman and Akeem who actually defy the odds and eliminate Hogan. Now we can finally focus on everything else going on in the ring. Hogan takes issue with this and gets back on the apron and manages to pull Bossman over the top rope eliminating him as well. They take it back to the showers to finish each other off (as Superstar Billy Graham likes to say).
Minutes 50-60: 25. Red Rooster / 26. Barbarian / 27. Big John Studd / 28. Hercules / 29. Rick Martel / 30. Ted Dibiase
So the focus now is apparently to get Akeem out and that’s a solid strategy. The Red Rooster, Beefcake and the Barbarian and finally Big John Studd all take their turns and we are almost through all the entrants. The action splits off a bit with Beefcake going at it with the Barbarian and Rooster taking on Big John. Hercules joins in on the action and doesn’t do much as does Rick Martel until finally Ted Dibiase (who apparently rigged the draw) comes in as the last entrant. Hercules immediately goes after him like a fat kid and sonic burgers and beats him up with series of clotheslines. While this is all going on the Red Rooster is eliminated and I have no idea how he managed to stay in the Rumble (let alone the WWF) for this long.
Brutus stupidly puts a sleeper hold on Hercules and Barbarian dumps them both over the side. He then goes after Martel who manages to fight him off and drop kick him over the top. We’re down to the final four – Martel, Akeem, Studd and Dibiase.
Akeem gets rid of Martel pretty quickly and then him and Akeem go to work on Studd. It’s a pretty great sequence to end the match, Studd ends up getting a surprise elimination on Akeem and then plays with Dibiase for awhile. He gets on a few great power moves and throws out Dibiase like old trash. Studd wins the Royal Rumble, presumably as a thank you for a great career.
That’s another one in the bag folks!