Tito Santana – WWE Replay

Summer Slam ’89

June 27, 2015January 1, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. Hart Foundation vs. Brain Busters

First off, who on earth is that doing the commentating? It’s sure not Jesse and Gorilla. It’s Jesse and someone else. Wikipedia tells me it’s Tony Schiavone.

And the Brain Busters have the title. Huh. I guess they won it from Demolition sometime after WM5. And for some reason this isn’t a title match, something to do with them booking the match when Brain Busters weren’t the champions. So lots to be confused about.

This match has tons of quick action and good momentum. The Hart Foundation take the early offense, and then it’s the Brain Busters turn. Pretty evenly split.

The fight ends up spilling outside the ring, with all four men going at it. The Hart Foundation end up back inside with Tully Blanchard and do a move so fucked up I don’t even know what it’s called.

It’s fantastic. Unfortunately, the Brain interferes, Arn Anderson kicks Hart in the head, and the Brain Busters get the pin

Overall: Great match with an incredible finish

2. Dusty Rhodes vs. The Honky Tonk Man

As I write this (Jun 2015), Dusty Rhodes literally just died about a month ago. So this is a bit depressing. Dusty Rhodes was never one of my favorite wrestlers, but the guy was an icon in the business, helping to shape both the WWE and the NWA.

He also did the “are you not entertained” pose a full 10 years before Russell Crowe

Rhodes is great at playing to the crowd, so he keeps the entertainment level pretty high. Honky ends up throwing Dusty into the ref and Hart uses the opportunity to hit him with the guitar. Dusty moves, Honky gets clocked and Dusty gets the 1-2-3

Overall: Honky really never moved above low-mid card after losing the best, did he?

3. Mr Perfect vs. The Red Rooster

I just can’t take the Red Rooster seriously, I’m not sure why. Is it the ridiculous entrance theme with the chicken noises?

The dumb hair? The outfit? The fact that it's Terry Taylor? The whole goddamn absurd character? — The dumb hair? The outfit? The fact that it’s Terry Taylor? The whole goddamn absurd character?

I really feel like one bird-themed wrestler is enough for the WWE. They already have Koko B. Ware, they really don’t need to explore more birds. Also, if they were going for the attack chicken theme, shouldn’t they have gone with the Fabulous Fighting Cock?

I’m not sure if this is Mr. Perfect doing a great job of selling, but he seems genuinely irritated to be in this match. He slaps the Rooster alot and seems to throwing a ton of potatoes. He demolishes the Rooster pretty quickly and gets the pin with the Perfect Plex

Overall: A perfectly serviceable match

4. The Rockers with Tito Santana vs. The Rougeaus with Rick Martel

This should be a good one. Plenty of talent in the ring. I don’t understand why Tito is still wearing his Strike Force tights. Will… will the WWE not spring for new tights?

The Rockers immediately jump into the ring, do like six insanely athletic moves and clear house. The Rougeaus get the upper hand though, and start putting a beating on Tito. Every time Martel gets in the ring with him, he does a ton of showboating for the crowd. They hate it and it gets the audience really fired up.

Weirdly, Jacques Rougeaus ends up slowing down the match by throwing on an Abdominal Stretch. It gives Tito a breather and the beating of Tito continues. Honestly, I think the offense against him goes on for about 14 minutes.

He finally makes the tag and Shawn Michaels comes in a house of fire. The action goes insane for about 3 solid minutes of high flying moves and the audience is on their feet the whole time. Obviously it culminates in a flying forearm and obviously I’m going to screen cap it

Drink it in, it always goes down smooth — Obviously

Unfortunately, Martel ends up getting an illegal hit on Marty Jannetty and the Rougeaus get the win.

Overall: Pretty decent match. Tito is awesome

5. Intercontinental Title Match: Ultimate Warrior vs. Ravishing Rick Rude

Didn’t I just recap this match in Wrestlemania V? I didn’t love it then, why would I want to watch it now?

Warrior – again – no-sells every single move Rude puts against him, while Rude does a great job over-selling every move Warrior does

For example, look how high Rude lifts himself

I feel like Warrior ushered in the new style of wrestling that we see reflected in the modern era. He is just a big, powerful guy that throws out punches and power moves. Half the match happens outside the ring, he’s doing moves that used to be disqualifications (like hitting Rude with the belt) and there’s no real wrestling to speak of.

I guess Vince really liked this approach.

This match is really lopsided, with Warrior beating the ever-loving crap out of Rude. Rude kicks out of a bunch of pin attempts. Eventually the momentum shifts and Rude gets the sleeper on the Warrior. As the Warrior powers out of it, there is a three way collision between Warrior, Rude and the Ref and all three men are out. Warrior Hulks out, hits a power slam, but there’s no ref to count the pin.

I’ve got to hand it to Rude, this is the second match where he’s made the Warrior seem like an actual wrestler.

Both men hit the piledriver on each other, but neither can get the pin. The momentum is now shifting back and forth every 2 minutes. The crowd is losing their mind.

Then Piper comes out.

You can guess what happens next. Rude is distracted, Warrior comes from behind and slaps on the big press slam and gets the pin.

Overall: A surprisingly great match. So far this is way better than Wreslemania V.

6. The Twin Towers with Andre the Giant vs. Demolition with Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Here’s some early thoughts. Twin Towers (an unfortunate name in retrospect) enter to “Jive Soul Bro” which is Slick’s opening theme. Is Slick the only manager to have a theme song? Do all of the guys in his stable enter to Jive Soul Bro? Should I refer to it as his “stable”? I get that he’s a pimp, but is that too on the nose?

Hacksuck sure gets included in a bunch of tag matches. I expect it’s because he’s completely, completely horrible and is unwatchable in solo matches

This match is a very standard punch-only match. What’s most surprising is they actually tag in Andre. I didn’t even think he was mobile at this point in his career.

Anyway, this match ends the same way any match with Hacksuck does. With a 2×4 to the face while the refs back is turned

Overall: I’m just glad it’s over

7. Hercules vs. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine

This match starts off with Ronnie Garvin doing ring announcing. I have no idea what the backstory is for this, but as he announces Greg Valentine he spends 2 minutes insulting him. This entire thing is just filthy with C-level wrestlers.

Both the Hammer and Hercules are looking a little long in the tooth. Just a bit slower on the pace of this one. The match comes to a surprising and unexpected end very quickly when the Hammer gets a pin by putting his feet on the ropes

Overall: Oh, there was more stuff with Ronnie Garvin. I just don’t care

8. The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase vs. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka

Wow, Snuka must be like 60 at this point. Let’s check. Hmm, nope. 46.

Much like Hercules and the Hammer, Snuka is a couple beats off his game.

Case in point – he was supposed to jump *over* Dibiase

Still, pretty good for 46 I guess. Through the whole match, Jesse refers to Snuka as alternately “an animal”, “a neanderthal” and “a gorilla”. Jesse’s racism is on fine display in this match.

The match is mostly lop-sided to Dibiase. Snuka briefly gets the upper hand and goes for the Superfly off the top ropes. Virgil distracts him, Dibiase hits him out of the ring and Snuka loses by count out. All is not lost however because he still manages to hit Virgil with the big splash

Screencap provided because it's awesome — Screencap provided because it’s awesome

Overall: Snuka!

9. Macho Man and Zeus vs. Hulk Hogan and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake

This match features Lanny Poffo (Macho Man’s brother) and Brutus Beefcake (Hogan’s very good friend) in a main event. So this match is all nepotism. Hogan, stop trying to push Beefcake on us. He’s just not that good a wrestler and “The Barber” is not that great a shtick

"This is my favorite wrestler!" - Nobody, anywhere — “This is my favorite wrestler!” – Nobody, anywhere

Hogan comes out by himself to a huge, enormous, deafening pop. Man, he was popular. Miss Elizabeth also gets a chance to come out to her own ovation and the crowd has another chance to lose their minds.

So Zeus is in this one. This is right after No Holds Barred then, the horrible Hogan action movie. I can’t remember how long Zeus lasted in the WWE, but it wasn’t long. The match starts off with Zeus in the ring and he no-sells every single move. They are obviously setting him up to be this indestructible, unstoppable monster.

Savage gets in the ring and he quickly puts a sleeper hold on Hogan. He tags in Zeus, who gets Hogan in a bear hug. This is like 6 minutes of rest holds to start the match. So, dull as shit. But finally, the tag to Beefcake… who puts Macho in a sleeper hold.

Pictured: Unrelenting, slow-paced action

Jesus.

Then Zeus comes in!!!! And… Brutus puts him in a goddamn sleeper hold. Okay, I’m pretty much done reviewing this match.

Anyway, the match ends with Hogan vs. Zeus. Hogan does his standard moves of punching and eventually hits Zeus with what seems to be a lead-filled purse. The match ends!

And then Hogan physically assaults a woman.

Overall: A pretty dull match, but Macho is still fantastic.

Royal Rumble ’89

June 19, 2015January 1, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. 6 Man Tag: Rougeau Brothers and Dino Bravo vs. Oh God Why Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Hart Foundation

Jesus Christ. I am so fucking sick of Hacksuck Shit Fuckhead. When did he finally retire from the WWE? < checks Wikipedia >. Ah shit, not until like ’93. Okay, let’s just get through this

The match starts – as always – with Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura arguing about whether Dino Bravo legitimately benched 700 pounds or whether Jesse helped him. I am kind of with Jesse on this one. Maybe Dino got a leg up from Jesse on the bench, but it doesn’t change the fact that he easily benched 400 – 600 lbs by himself a couple times. I mean, Jesus Gorilla, cut the guy some slack.

The match features some pretty good wrestling between the Hart Foundation and the Rougeaus. Lots of quick exchanges and reversals, some great power moves. The match is the best 2 out of 3, so they get the first pin out of the way pretty quickly. It’s the old Fabulous Crotch Sniff right into the face of the Hitman for the pin.

Fall two has the crotch-inhaled Hitman starting in the ring, so he’s pretty tired and gets beaten up for awhile. I have to hand it to the Rougeaus. I don’t really find them all that interesting, but they’re pretty decent wrestlers and they keep the match going at a good pace. To keep the Hitman’s spirits up, Hacksaw starts a “USA” chant. Jesse remarks (correctly) “I don’t understand it, why are they chanting USA when the Hitman comes from Calgary, Canada”.

Anyway, eventually Hart makes the tag to Hacksuck and Hacksuck is just fucking terrible. Just non stop punches and “hos”. Some moves occur and they get the pin and it’s tied at one fall apiece. On to the third fall.

Hacksuck starts this one off and Dino Bravo gets the upper hand. As is eternally the case when Hacksuck is being beaten, my erection could hammer the face off a sparrow. The Rougeaus get into the action with some more weird, odd crotch stuff. I think they have a fetish

I cannot think of one possible reason this gif would require any context

Hacksuck gets a chance to nail Dino Bravo with the 2×4 and he takes it. Hitman gets the pin and this match is over

Overall: You know, Neidhart was barely in this match. I wonder if he was injured?

2. Super Pose Down: Rick Rude vs. Ultimate Warrior

This is exactly what it sounds like. A pose down (a super one, no less) between Ultimate Warrior and Rick Rude. Was this really the best way to use two of your top stars?

3. Woman’s Championship Match: Rockin Robin vs. Judy Martin

Holy shit! It’s Rockin’ Robin! I just looked her up on Wikipedia, she’s Sam Houston’s Sister.

Hey everyone, I was actually in this Wrestlemania! — This fucking guy

HA HAHA HAHA HAAH AAHHA HA HA HA HA HA.

Oh man. They are just burning up the WWE. HA!

Overall: I don’t typically watch women’s matches. This one was no exception.

4. King Haku vs. Harley Race

Wow. I could not be less interested in a match than this one. Let’s just get this over with. This has to be a quick match, Harley Race was 46 at this point.

Not much to say about this match, except when Haku performs a suplex on Race and Jesse remarks “That was a textbook Suplex”. I was going to make a joke about that – after all, who would be so crazy as to write an entire fucking book about one move and… oh, never mind. Carry on with your fancy pants, liberal, book-learning suplexes.

This match is ponderous and slow. Harley Race moves exactly as quickly as a 46 year old man, and Haku is not that talented. Haku wins with a textbook reverse thrust kick and gets the win

Overall: This wasn’t a retirement match, so I may have to see either of these idiots in future PPV’s. So 0 / 10

5. The Royal Rumble!

The first 10 minutes: 1. Axe / 2. Smash / 3. Andre The Giant / 4. Mr Perfect / 5. Rugged Ronnie Garvin / 6. Greg Valentine

This starts off with both Axe and Smash in the ring and they actually start fighting! What a great little bit this was by the WWE. They didn’t even pull any of their punches and while neither had the upper hand it was fun to see the tag champs not mailing it and putting on a show for fans. Andre comes in next which is a great choice to not be overwhelmed by Demolition. Mr Perfect gets added to the mix doing what he does best and slowly walks to the ring and Andre uses the confusion to surprisingly eliminate Smash.

In comes Rugged Ronnie Garvin!

Next up is Greg Valentine who, unlike Mr. Perfect, puts a little jog into his ring approach. They all gang up on the Giant as expected and so far this is pretty dull – just a bunch of guys trying to get the Giant out any way they can. Garvin is eliminated abruptly by Andre via a hip toss.

Minutes 10 – 20: 7. Jake the Snake / 8. Ron Bass / 9. Shawn Michaels / 10. One of the Fucking Bushwhackers (Butch maybe?)/ 11. Honky Tonk Man

Jake comes out and goes right after Andre. Way to pick a fight with the biggest guy in the WWE you dummy. (Apparently Jake Roberts Snake Damian attacked Andre or something during one of the Saturday Night Main Events) Andre diverts all his energy and squashing Roberts puts him out just as Ron Bass is coming in – and the crowd goes silent. The action grinds to a halt with a bunch of rest moves. Mr. Perfect eliminates Axe and nearly eliminates Shawn Michaels.

Ah Jesus. It’s the Bushwhackers. It’s like two Hacksaw Jim Duggans. Just 2 stupid morons who can’t wrestle but man do they pump up the crowd.

Jake grabs Damien and Andre bails over the top rope. Good way and probably the only way to get rid of him. Honky is in the ring next and nothing exciting happens as nothing ever exciting happens when the Honky Tonk Man is involved

Minutes 20 – 30: 12. Tito Santana / 13. Bad News Brown / 14. Marty Jannetty / 15. Macho Man / 16. Arn Anderson

In comes Tito and he goes right after Mr. Perfect for a nice pop. More wrestling happens until Bad News comes out. Honky gets tossed by One of the Fucking Bushwhackers. Marty Jannetty is next and him and Shawn Michaels team up on Ron Bass to eliminate him. Tito hits Valentine with a beautiful flying forearm and yes, I will continue to screen cap every single instance of a Tito Santana Flying Forearm because it is a thing of beauty and sooo much better than the Superman punch of Roman Reigns.

Macho is out next, the crowd loses their minds and he attacks Bad News Brown. I don’t know why they’re feuding. Arn Anderson comes in and at the same time, Macho eliminates Valentine. Next up, Macho and Arn Anderson (which is an odd combination) eliminate Shawn Michaels.

Minutes 30 – 40: 17. Tully Blanchard / 18. Hulk Hogan / 19. The Other Goddamn Bushwhacker

As Tully Blanchard is running in, One of the Fucking Bushwhackers runs around the ring like an idiot for 20 seconds

We trimmed about 7 extra bushwhacking seconds off this clip — I trimmed about 7 extra bushwhacking seconds off this clip

Marty Jannetty gets eliminated just as Hogan runs in. Hogan gives a quick elimination to Mr. Perfect and somewhere off camera, Tito Santa is eliminated. Next comes the Other Goddamn Bushwhacker just in time as One of the Fucking Bushwhackers gets eliminated.

Hogan and Macho Man do some nice Mega Power team work to beat down Bad News Brown until everyone else in the ring notices and decides they want to all gain up on the Mega Powers.

Minutes 40 – end: 20. Koko B. Ware / 21. Warlord / 22. The Big Boss Man / 23. Akeem / 24. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake

Koko B. Ware makes his way into the ring and immediately throws a bunch of drop kicks. While this is going on Hogan comes over, does a quick eye rake – immediately blinding Koko and then eliminates him. Hogan isn’t finished yet and eliminates the other bushwacker. He’s on fire and and eliminates Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson as the Warlord makes his way into the ring. Hogan Clotheslines him right back out and we have ourselves another elimination. Man that was great. But the next big surprise is Hogan eliminating Savage and Bad News Brown who were battling it out in the corner – resulting in the beginning of the end for the Mega Powers.

Pictured: A calm, even headed discussion between two rational men

Bossman shows up having just downed what seems like an extra 30 pounds of pies before the rumble and him and Hogan start going at it. Hogan manages to slam him before Bossman recovers, drops a piledriver and a slam of his own. Wow did Boss man really just try and spit at Hogan – I really need to read up on this feud.

So the next part of this rumble really is just focusing on Hogan getting beat down by Bossman and Akeem who actually defy the odds and eliminate Hogan. Now we can finally focus on everything else going on in the ring. Hogan takes issue with this and gets back on the apron and manages to pull Bossman over the top rope eliminating him as well. They take it back to the showers to finish each other off (as Superstar Billy Graham likes to say).

Minutes 50-60: 25. Red Rooster / 26. Barbarian / 27. Big John Studd / 28. Hercules / 29. Rick Martel / 30. Ted Dibiase

So the focus now is apparently to get Akeem out and that’s a solid strategy. The Red Rooster, Beefcake and the Barbarian and finally Big John Studd all take their turns and we are almost through all the entrants. The action splits off a bit with Beefcake going at it with the Barbarian and Rooster taking on Big John. Hercules joins in on the action and doesn’t do much as does Rick Martel until finally Ted Dibiase (who apparently rigged the draw) comes in as the last entrant. Hercules immediately goes after him like a fat kid and sonic burgers and beats him up with series of clotheslines. While this is all going on the Red Rooster is eliminated and I have no idea how he managed to stay in the Rumble (let alone the WWF) for this long.

Something, something brand synergy?

Brutus stupidly puts a sleeper hold on Hercules and Barbarian dumps them both over the side. He then goes after Martel who manages to fight him off and drop kick him over the top. We’re down to the final four – Martel, Akeem, Studd and Dibiase.

Akeem gets rid of Martel pretty quickly and then him and Akeem go to work on Studd. It’s a pretty great sequence to end the match, Studd ends up getting a surprise elimination on Akeem and then plays with Dibiase for awhile. He gets on a few great power moves and throws out Dibiase like old trash. Studd wins the Royal Rumble, presumably as a thank you for a great career.

That’s another one in the bag folks!

Survivor Series ’88

June 10, 2015January 1, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

Survivor Match #1: Ultimate Warrior, Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, Sam Houston, The Blue Blazer, Jim Brunzell vs. Honky Tonk Man, Danny Davis, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, “Outlaw” Ron Bass, Bad News Brown

Immediately, I’m surprised at one thing in this match, namely that Sam Houston is still around. How was he in this many Pay Per Views? Did he work for nickles? This whole grouping is pretty strange; lets see what he can do with it.

The match kicks off with Valentine against Beefcake. This is fantastic! I don’t think I’ve ever seen them wrestle before. Sadly, neither of them are really that dynamic and they just exchange some blows before tagging out. Danny Davis comes in, another guy I’m stunned got in this many PPVs. His kicks land with all the gentle force of a history major complaining about the job market. He is eliminated in no time flat. Like in literal seconds by the worst sleeper of all time.

Blue Blazer kicks off the next round, which is kind of melancholy. Owen Hart was awesome. Another series of tags and Gorilla gets the chance to refer to Jim Brunzell as a youngster. Brunzell was 40 when this PPV occurred.

Bad News Brown jumps into the action and hits just about the sloppiest Ghetto Blaster in history. I hate that move. Sam Houston runs in and Bad News just beats the ever-loving piss out of him for a couple of minutes, to the point where I feel a little bad. Valentine accidentally nails Bad News Brown after a tag, so Bad News says “screw this” and quits. Ron Bass takes over the vicious, never ending beating of Sam Houston.

The only other notable matchup in this one is the Blue Blazer – he has a fantastic, high energy run against Valentine before submitting. The whole thing ends with Warrior going insane against Outlaw and Valentine for the win.

Overall: Except for the Blue Blazer, an uneven start to the event

Survivor Match #2: Demolition, Los Conquistadores, The Brain Busters, The Rougeau Brothers, The Bolsheviks vs. Powers of Pain, The Rockers, The British Bulldogs, The Hart Foundation, The Cock-Hungry Young Stallions

Davey Boy Smith starts off the event doing what he does best – Body Press Slams – this time taking one of the Rougeaus and throwing him into the other. He’s pretty tired from that so quickly tags out to the Heart Break Kid, before he was the Heart Break Kid, Shawn Michaels. He quickly displays some nice athleticism and performs a quick flip off the top turnbuckle in the corner before tagging out to Marty Jannetty.

Marty Jannetty doesn’t really get the praise he truly deserves. This guy was talented and controlled matches really well. In fact at this part of their careers, I would actually prefer to watch him more than Shawn Michaels. He’s quick and explosive like Southern BBQ Chili and at one point does this crazy horizontal spin move that doesn’t even have a name yet – like a sideways corkscrew Gorilla even calls out that he’s literally never seen that move before

Jannetty does get a large amount of ring time in this one whether that was intentional or not but takes his lumps and keeps on going. The action overall in this one is great, quick tags – no submissions hold (at least not early on) and a bunch of classic suplexs, body slams, elbows you name it.

After what seems like forever, Bret Hart is finally tagged in. I’m not quite sure what they were saving him for – maybe they just didn’t want to win? Anyways, Bret comes in and goes to work beating up Jacques Rougeau who tags out to his brother Ramone. Bret wastes no time, goes for a quick rollup and finally we have the first elimination.

Some surprises in the match include the beating that Michaels endured at the hands of Volkoff and Zukoff. Actually what kind of impressed me was Volkoff doing a Body Press Slam of Michaels (didn’t think he could pull that off).

Okay, there is a ton of filler in this match, with not a whole lot of excitement from the wrestlers. Let’s skip ahead.

Bret Hart finally gets back in there and gets to the cusp of eliminating Tony Blanchard (who???) with a nice back suplex bridge pin but Tony get’s his shoulder up at the last second so Bret Hart basically pins himself and really that was the only way he would ever get eliminated in this match.

Eagle eyed readers will remember this exact same move from WM IV with Warrior and Hercules

The Rockers manage to get themselves DQ’d with the Brain Busters (Art Anderson and Tony Blanchard) when after executing an awesome double sweet chin music, the fatal 4 way that ensues is enough for the ref to toss both teams. So down to 4 teams now and Davey Boy Smith does another crazy/strange move by jumping on the back of Smash and putting on a move known as a crucifix – simulating how a wrestler sometimes gets tied up on the top rope – anyways it’s weird and makes me uncomfortable.

Somehow after 35 minutes of this match still going on, Davey Boy Smith still has enough strength to pull off another Body Press Slam of the conquistadors (no idea which is which). Alright this is taking way too long to review so let’s wrap this one up. Dynamite kid gets pinned after missing a headbutt from the top rope and Mr. Fuji turns on his own team when he pulls the rope down as Smash is running towards it leading to him falling to the outside. Mr. Fuji then hits Axe a few times with his cane for dramatic effect and essentially tells them see ya all while Demolition is getting counted out.

With them eliminated, he switches over to manage the Powers of Pain in a weird and wonderful twist of events and helps them win by tripping up one of the Conquistadors as he’s running off the ropes leading to an easy pin.

Overall: Long and fairly boring

Survivor Match #3: Jake “The Snake” Roberts, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Ken Patera, “El Matador” Tito Santana, Scott Casey vs. Andre The Giant, Dino Bravo, “The King” Harley Race, Mr. Perfect, Ravishing Rick Rude

Tito Santana is announced as El Matador, which is essentially like taking a Canadian and calling him “The Hockey Player”.

I’m pretty pumped that Mr. Perfect has finally made an appearance in these PPV’s, but I’m confused when they announce Scott Casey, because who the frig is Scott Casey?

Interestingly, he was a last minute fill for an injured B. Brian Blair. This was his only PPV. I’m going to bet he does spectacular and isn’t immediately eliminated. Let’s see what happens – on to the match.

It’s great to see Tito and Perfect square off. Tito is no longer part of Strike Force, but he still is wrestling with a miniature red “Strike Force” logo on his tights. Awww… Tito can’t get over the breakup. That’s touching.

Next group has Harley Race comes out to fight Casey whoever. Jesus. We need something to happen, this is pretty dull so far. Aw fuck, they tagged in Hacksuck. Well he’s brutal. Tito hits Rude with the flying forearm and Rude kicks out. That’s never a good sign for a wrestlers career when their finisher becomes a mere power move.

We’re like 10 minutes in with no pin so far. Rude and Patera go at it for a bit and Rude hits a rude awakening out of nowhere. I just realized the Rude Awakening was essentially the precursor to the RKO.

I can't tell the difference between Ken Patera and the Greatest American Hero. Maybe that's the point — I also just realized that Ken Patera looks like the Greatest American Hero.

Hacksuck comes out again and is terrible again. Life starts to look up as he starts to get beaten on and my erection could break concrete. Tito tags in and brings the quality of the match up like 10 notches. He starts wrestling through Dino Bravo and Harley Race. Tito hits him with the greatest move of all time, the flying forearm and gets the pin.

Interesting that I love this move, but hate the superman punch

Next up is Andre / Tito. This is a great pairing that I can’t ever recall seeing before. Andre and Tito square off with expected results

Andre, showing off the technical, in-ring elegance he's known for — Andre, showing off the technical, in-ring elegance he’s known for

Not surprisingly, Andre gets the pin pretty quickly and now it’s 4 on 2. There’s some quick excitement when Jake and Hacksuck get Andre off his feet, but the match quickly moves to the endless beating of Jake

Hacksuck eventually gets in, the crowd erupts, but this has to be close to the end of the match. Hacksuck doesn’t have the talent or stamina for long matches. And, yep. He grabs the 2 by 4 and gets disqualified. So now it’s just Jake against 4 guys.

This really starts to drag now. It’s Jake just wrestling extremely cautious as Dino, Perfect and Rude tag in and out. Eventually Rude gets the upper hand and it looks like curtains for Jake. As Rude is sex-dancing over his fallen body (which is an odd sentence to type), Jake pulls his pants down (sure) and slaps on the DDT and gets the pin.

Next out comes Andre who proceeds to choke Jake to unconsciousness. He doesn’t break for the five count, so he gets disqualified. Mr. Perfect immediately gets the pin. Why even have Andre get disqualified then? Why not just have him win?

Overall: Weird finish, but not a bad match

Survivor Match #4: Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Koko B. Ware, Hercules, Hillbilly Jim vs. Big Boss Man, Akeem, Ted Dibiase, King Haku, The Red Rooster

Alright with that out of the way, the final Match of the PPV seems a little one sided with Hogan and Savage vs basically everyone else that is just filler.

Macho Man starts the match off against Dibiase in what feels like a bit of a rematch of their final tournament match a few PPVs ago. I never really did like these two squaring off as I feel like they never really get into a good flow. There is one move where both guys do an Irish Whip reversal on each other and it’s just plain sloppy which helps to solidify my point. Thankfully after a nice clothesline from Macho Man he heads over to the corner to tag in Hercules who apparently had some really bad beef with Dibiase at this time. Unfortunately the build up to this isn’t realized yet as Dibiase quickly gets out of there and tags in the Red Rooster. Who came up with that stupid name?

They didn't want to infringe on the Gay, Flying Chicken — Maybe they didn’t want to infringe on the Yellow, Flying Chicken?

Speaking of the Red Rooster, much like the Red Shirt guys in Star Trek he’s the first one marked for elimination and I must say I actually enjoyed it. Koko B Ware was working over Red Rooster when he tags in Hogan who body slams him, then tags out to Macho Man who goes up to the top rope and lands a flying elbow smash – easy pin and he’s outta there. The entire team Mega Powers gets into the ring and starts celebrating like it’s over while the other guys try and regroup.

King Haku who obviously beat the crap outta Harley Race and stole his crown faces off against Hogan and to his credit holds his own in there by knocking Hogan down with a nice dropkick. They go back and forth a bit without much really happening. Eventually Akeen gets in and quite easily eliminates Hillbilly Jim and no one really cares. Koko B Ware jumps in and between him, Hogan, Macho Man and Hercules everyone gets a turn beating down Akeen. Akeen finally gets outta there and tags in Big Boss Man who does his own version of a Rock Bottom on Koko B Ware which leads to his (and his WWF tights) elimination.

The next part of the match I probably enjoyed more than I should as Hogan took on Boss Man and managed to pull off an Atomic Drop and Body Slam – something you didn’t see too often on Boss Man. Boss Man does recover from both and catches Hogan running towards him and does this modified Power Slam to Hogan. (Essentially he just caught him, flipped him and sat down). Hogan gets beat on a bit and at one point Boss Man has him leaning on the second rope. He goes to the other rope and holy shit we’re gonna see a 619 from the Big Boss Man… this is AWESOME!

So Boss Man actually chickened out at the last minute and just jumped on his back – wasted opportunity if you tell me. No elimination here so we move forward to Hercules finally getting another shot at Dibiase. Hercules as expected controls most of this matchup getting his much needed ‘revenge’ on Dibiase for being his slave or something and apparently according to Monsoon he is having a lot of fun. Naturally Virgil gets involved and trips up Hercules when he’s bouncing off the ropes and as Hercules turns to put his hands on him, Dibiase comes from behind, rolls him up and gets the elimination.

Hercules leaves the ring but goes right after Virgil and everyone on Team Dibiase is now just watching this in awe, Dibiase still in the ring looking over at Virgil getting beat down by Hercules when Macho Man slips in and rolls him up the very same way that Dibiase rolled up Hercules and Dibiase is eliminated.

Down to the Mega Powers and Big Boss Man, Akeen and King Haku. Haku gets in the ring against Hogan and puts on a modified version of the Vulcan death grip to essentially put Hogan down on the mat. Now as past reviews have told you – YOU NEVER PUT HOGAN IN A CHOKE HOLD. Hogan starts to hulk up a bit but not enough to actually run wild on him, but enough to get out of the hold. Boss Man comes in and goes to work on Hogan, manages to get him down on the mat and goes up to the top rope again. I seriously do not know why he keeps trying this move, I have never seen it executed correctly once. Of course he misses and Hogan tags in Savage.

This is where the match gets really entertaining, for some reason the Slickster goes over and grabs Elizabeth to essentially take her against her will and Hogan goes to her defense. Big Boss Man comes out to take on Hogan with Haku and they manage to handcuff him to the bottom rope and then proceed to beat him down with a night stick – the whole time he is doing this he is being counted and that results in a count out for Big Boss Man and he’s eliminated. Akeen is in the ring now with Macho Man and Big Boss Man, comes back in and beats Macho Man with the night stick resulting in a DQ on Akeen. So we are down to just King Haku vs the Mega Powers.

Still with me? Haku and Savage are going at it and the Slickster manages to get involved again holding Savage against the ropes. Haku comes in with a big kick and Savage moves out of the way and clocks the Slickster. Heenan comes to the aid of Slickster and Hogan manages to knock him down with a big boot. Elizabeth seeing both guys out cold proceeds to fumble through the pockets of the Slickster and find those handcuff keys. She unlocks Hogan and puts the handcuffs in her purse for use later in the post celebration activities.

Savage, exhausted now tags in a fresh(er) Hogan who just lays out Haku quite easily. Off the ropes, does his big leg drop and ladies and gentlemen this one is over as Hogan eliminates Haku for the overall win.

Overall: I really enjoyed this one

Royal Rumble ’88

May 19, 2015January 28, 2016Michael James1 Comment

1. Ravishing Rick Rude vs. Ricky The Dragon Steamboat

Alright, here we go with the first Royal Rumble! Starting off the action is Steamboat vs. Rude in what is billed as a grudge match. I’m not at all clear why they have a grudge – maybe something to do with the unsatisfied ghost of a murdered child at the hands of the Rude Awakening?

I'm pretty sure Rick Rude is in this movie — I’m pretty sure Rick Rude is in this movie

We start off with a test of strength. Yes! Why is this the first time we’re seeing this in any PPV? This should be a staple of every match, used as frequently as a headlock. Steamboat eventually powers out of it and does some crazy move that I can’t explain but it’s fantastic.

Something something weird takedown Steamboat is awesome

Steamboat keeps the match going with some arm stuff. At one point Jesse advocates for the ole “thumb in the eye”, to which Vince McMahon responds “Jesse come on, we have youngsters watching this program”.

I'm just going to leave this here — I’m just going to leave this here

The action continues back and forth and I’m losing interest in the match. I may not have the patience for the longer fights. At around the 18 minute mark, they kick it up a notch by going for 8 pins in a row. Eventually the match comes to kind of a strange end – Steamboat goes for the flying body press off the top ropes, but Rude pulls the ref in the way. As Steamboat is checking on the ref, Rude slaps on some submission hold and Steamboat… submits? Rude starts celebrating and leaves the ring. But surprise, it turns out Steamboat won by disqualification.

What an odd end.

Overall: Great kick off to the event, Steamboat. You’re the best! The match was too long

2. Dino Bravo vs. a 700-pound bench press

Wow, I totally forgot about this. Dino Bravo, in an effort to establish himself as the strongest man in wrestling, decides to bench 700 pounds with the help of Jesse Ventura.

As they are introducing the match, Bravo’s manager “Frenchie Martin” provides some mic work for Mean Gene – in french. Just an FYI, this match takes place in Hamilton, Ontario. For people unfamiliar with Canada, speaking French in Hamilton would be like speaking Hindi in Mississippi. It… doesn’t go over well

Anyway, Dino does a bunch of bench pressing. It’s actually pretty impressive. All I remembered about this was him barely doing 700. I completely forgot where he did 4 sets of 400 – 600 pounds, pretty effortlessly.

3. The Glamour Girls vs. The Jumping Bomb Angels

Didn’t I already watch this match during the Survivor Series? Why look at that, I sure did!

The most fantastic part of this match is Jesse and McMahon openly admitting they have no idea what the names of the individual bomb angels are. McMahon admits he “doesn’t speak Japanese” and kind of verbally shrugs “well what are you going to do” before starting to call them “pink” and “red” after the colors of their tights.

Orndorff, pictured here in a rare instance of racial insensitivity in the WWE — Paul Orndorff doesn’t see a problem with this

Their names are Noriyo Tateno and Itsuki Yamazaki.

Overall: I’m not watching this twice!

4. The Royal Rumble

The first 10 minutes: 1. Bret Hart / 2. Tito Santana / 3. Butch Reed / 4. Jim Neidhart / 5. Jake Roberts / 6. Harley Race / 7. Jumping Jim Brunzel / 8. Sam Houston

The WWE was finding their footing with this first Royal Rumble. It takes a while to get going as McMahon is explaining all the rules and stipulations of the match, it drags on so long that they camera guy actually zooms in on a kid who gives a “I can’t hear what the fuck is going on, what the hell is taking so long, let’s get this started” kind of look. When it does finally get going, we have Bret and Tito starting off in the ring together, as opposed to the more familiar method of coming in one at a time. Bret gets some decent cheers from the local Canadian crowd in Hamilton while him and Tito keep the action level high. Let me clarify though, there is very little wrestling moves going on at this time, mainly punches, leg stomps and moving around the ring to get a feel for each other – obviously. Hart manages to find the top rope and drop an Elbow on Tito to get things rolling when all of a sudden….

Butch Reed draws the #3 spot and comes in to a tepid reaction. The extent of this interaction between Hart, Tito and Butch consists of Reed working over Santana while Hart looks for his contact lens on the mat. Reed manages to get Santana over to the ropes and Bret Hart decides that he’ll just wrestle the match with one good eye and tries to help. Santana of course counters and smashes the skulls of Reed and Hart together. As the action continues, Jesse Ventura tries to do his standard shtick with McMahon that he used to do with Gorilla where he would chastise Gorilla for opening calling the match more favorably for the “face”. McMahon is having none of it and essentially ignores every time Jesse tries to get into that interplay. As an example:

Jesse: You know, I like this, because this allows for double teaming, and you can’t complain about it.

Vince: . Look at this… there’s a double team effort!

Jesse: And it’s legal!

Vince: ..yes.

Jesse: And you can’t complain!

Vince: Santana might be complaining now!

Butch Reed has ruined so many relationships

Neidhart comes to the ring next and now it’s a triple-team against Tito. It looks like it’s all over when Jake the Snake comes out, quickly eliminates Butch Reed (who sucks) and beats up the Hart Foundation. The elimination itself was poor, just a flip over the top rope, almost like Reed made his $50 and decided to go hit the local bar. The crows loses their collective mind and immediately start asking for the DDT because it’s the greatest finisher in time. They really need to find a better wrestler to get behind, this is worse than the love the current fans give to Bryant, imagine if Hogan learned how to do the DDT – He would have never dropped his belt – ever!

The King Harley Race is next and action slows down because now there is a senior citizen in the ring. They all take it easy, but Roberts takes the brunt of it as apparently Harley Race hates Jake the Snake Roberts more than Damian (his snake). The next two in are Jumping Jim Brunzel of the Killer Bees, followed by… Sam Houston?

Sam Houston: Here's my shtick Mr. McMahon. I'll wear a red bandanna around my neck. In no time, I'll be the next Hulk Hogan! Vince: Fine. I don't care, we just need a body. Try not to die. — Sam Houston: Here’s my shtick Mr. McMahon. I’ll wear a red bandanna around my neck. In no time, I’ll be the next Hulk Hogan!
Vince: Fine. I don’t care, we just need a body. Try not to die.

The Highlight of this matchup so far has to be when Roberts does the devastating “beard pull” on Neihart, which is far better than the DDT he was actually going to do.

Minutes 10 – 20: 9. Danny Davis / 10. Boris Zhukov / 11. Don Moraco / 12. Nikolai Volkhoff / 13. Hacksaw Jim Duggan / 14. Ron Bass

Sam Houston runs in to the collective apathy of 17,000 fans wondering why bass player for Dexy’s Midnight Runners is now a wrestler. As Tito is distracted trying to remember any other song of theirs outside of “Come On Eileen”, the Hart Foundation capitalizes and tosses him over the top.

It's a trick question! They had no other hits and aahhhhhhh! — It’s a trick question! They had no other hits and aahhhhhhh!

Danny Davis is announced next and for some reason a woman in the front row mistakes cheering with having a seizure. So far, this Royal Rumble is chalk full of surprises

This is fantastic! Please get me some phenobarbital!

Boris Zhukov is in next. Don Moraco and Nikolai Volkhoff come out at the same time and Nikolai just… waits outside the ring for his turn to enter. There seems to be no point to this – due perhaps to genuine language and cultural barriers, Nikolai honestly misunderstood the entrance pattern and fucked up.

Somewhere along the way Boris Zhukov and the King Harley Race are both eliminated by the Rock to help thin the crowd in the ring and make room for some more decent stars.

Let’s super quick check in our favorite ringside fan and how she is reacting to the action. She’s yelling obscenities at Harley Race and WWE security is telling her to settle the fuck down. At this point, I’m more entranced by the action outside

Next up is…. ah, Jesus Christ. It’s goddamn Hacksaw. Fine. Let’s just get through this. Maybe the next participant will bring it around and…. nope. Outlaw Ron Bass. Still better than Harley Race and Zukov.

Minutes 21 – 30: / 15. B. Brian Blair / 16. Hillbilly Jim / 17. Dino Bravo / 18. Ultimate Warrior / 19. One Man Gang / 20. Junkyard Dog

Volkvoff eliminates one Killer Bee, only to have another take it’s place as that is the nature of killer bees. Neidhart is then eliminated by Hillbilly Jim as that is the nature of Hillbillies. Sam Houston demonstrates his in-ring savvy by getting up on Ron Bass’s shoulders for a quick ride. The safest place to be in a Royal Rumble is precariously perched atop another man. He is tossed out, absurd bandanna and all, by Hacksaw.

Look at me Vince! I'm a complete moron! — Look at me Vince! I’m a complete moron!

Dino Bravo runs in, followed by… the Ultimate Warrior? I’m surprised, I thought he didn’t pop up until later. During the mayhem, Bret Hart is unceremoniously eliminated by Don Moraco. He lasted 25 minutes, a record that would stand until the next Royal Rumble in 1989. Great work Bret!

The last two in the ring are One Man Gang and Junkyard Dog. All the participants are in and we’re down to the end of the match. One has to wonder how Danny Davis is still in this matchup and why they didn’t push Bret to go down to one of the last 4 or 5. I guess they gave him enough of a push to get him away from just a tag run but not enough of a push to have him be “the man” yet.

Match Close

The next quick round of eliminations are B Brian Blair, Jake the Snake, Nikolai Volkvaff, Hillbilly Jim, Danny Davis, Ultimate Warrior, Junkyard Dog and Ron Bass. Nothing notable about any of these eliminations except for the fact that Warrior was tossed so quickly.

The last four in the ring are Moraco, One Man Gang, Dino Bravo and Hacksuck Shit Fuckhead – HOOOOOO. Moraco gets eliminated by One Man Gang, it what was a poor show. He was tossed over and sat on the apron holding the ropes, could have climbed back in but decided that he didn’t want to spend another minute with the One Man Gang and just let go. So now it’s 2 on 1 against Hacksuck. They beat him up for awhile and I am solidly erect through the whole thing. I watch the beating and drink it in like water.

There is a fetish for everything on the internet.

Sadly, the match ends with Hacksuck as the victor and I fear I shall never be aroused again.

Overall: What a fun match and a great PPV. I hate Hacksuck though.

Survivor Series 1987

May 7, 2015January 1, 2016Michael James1 Comment

Survivor Match #1 – Team Macho Man (Macho Man, Ricky Steamboat, Brutus Beefcake, Jim Duggan, Jake Roberts) vs Team Honky Tonk (Honky Tonk Man, Harley Race, Hercules, Ron Bass, Danny Davis)

Finally, after covering three separate Wrestlemania’s, we get to recap the first Survivor Series. This was originally held on Thanksgiving Day (in the US) and I’m really looking forward to it. The rules are simple, there’s two teams of five superstars that face off against each other (ok, maybe like 4 superstars and a token ‘first to get tossed out filler’).

Hey everybody! It's me, Butch Reed! Inexplicably in a Wrestlemania! — Hey everybody! It’s me, Butch Reed! Inexplicably in a Survivor Series!

If a participant gets eliminated then another team member gets in the ring until that team is completely eliminated. First to eliminate all participants on the other team wins the match.

You’re probably asking what counts as an elimination? I’m glad you asked, and if you didn’t, you should have because this is 1987. Don’t presume you know all the rules based on watching some Survivor Series PPV’s in the last few years! A wrestler is eliminated based on one of the following reasons:
1) Pinfall – pretty straight forward
2) Submission – they have to tap out or pass out
3) Count Out – they don’t get back in the ring after a count of 10 – yes it’s a real 10 count, not a slow 10 count that lasts 45 seconds
4) Disqualification – pretty much doing something that the ref doesn’t like or if you keep doing something after he tells you to stop
5) Unable to continue to compete due to injury at the discretion of the ref – yep, the ref can just decide that someone can’t continue – bet you didn’t know this one!

The best part about survivor series matches is that the momentum doesn’t really waiver, there’s enough guys in and around the ring that there’s always something to watch and keep you entertained.

Elimination 1: Harley Race / Hacksaw Jim Duggan double count out

I despise both these morons. I am so glad they get eliminated early.

Elimination 2& 3: Ron Bass eliminated by Brutus Beefcake / Beefcake gets eliminated by Honkey Tonk

Continuing on with four wrestlers a side, Macho Man and Brutus the Barber Beefcake team up to eliminate Ron Bass (again someone else that no one cares about) when Beefcake hits him with a high flying knee and a quick pin for the 3 count. Beefcake gets rewarded for that victory when the Honky Tonk man nails his Shake Rattle and Roll finisher to even the odds back at 3.

What I find jarring about this whole thing is Ricky Steamboat wrestling beside Macho Man. It’s a mere 6 months after Wrestlemania, and only 2 days in my own real viewing time. Macho literally tried to murder Steamboat half a year ago and now they’re partners.

Any of this ringing a bell? — Any of this “ringing a bell?”. Ha. Get it? Because Macho hit him with… you know what, forget it

Elimination 4 & 5: Jake Roberts eliminates Danny Davis / Macho Man eliminates Hercules

Still with me? It’s at this time in the match that Jake the Snake Roberts enters and the crowd goes absolutely nuts – the decibel level in the arena seriously goes up a notch. He screws around for awhile and then hits Danny Davis with the sweet, sweet DDT

Danny Davis, seconds before forgetting how to chew and stand unassisted

Next, Hercules comes in and gets eliminated by Macho Man (oh yeah he’s in this match). The crowd applauds, but not standing in their seats applause, more like a yeah this is good but it’s not “Jake the Snake Roberts good” applause.

Is this nearly over? I came to watch the women's match — Is this nearly over? I came to watch the women’s match

Elimination 6: Honkey Tonk says “fuck this”

Honky Tonk man finally gets fed up for all the love that Roberts is getting, so he just walks out of the ring, grabs his IC title and heads to the back getting himself counted out.

To summarize, team Macho Man ends up with only 2 guys getting eliminated while taking out the team led by the Honky Tonk Man and Survivor Series is well on its way.

Overall: A pretty satisfying opening match to Survivor Series. 6 / 10

Survivor Match #2 – Women’s Match: Team Moola (Moola, Rockin’ Robin, Velvet McIntryre, Jumping Bomb Angels) vs Team Sherri (Sensational Sherri, Glamour Girls, Donna Christianello, Dawn Marie)

I don’t normally watch women’s matches and this one is no except…. ah, never mind. If I skip this, the review will be too short.

Elimination 1: Donna Christianello eliminated by Velvet McIntyre

We get off to a roaring start with Velvet going to work early on Team Sherri. This match is full of many hair pulling flips and running clotheslines early on and those thunderous moves are echoing throughout the stadium – echoing because most of the fans are outside taking a smoke or lining up for more beer and nachos. (I wonder if they sold Nacho Man hats full of Nachos like Homer Simpson had. Man, now I really want some nachos). Finally after some brief moments of actual athleticism from the Bomb Angels, we have our first elimination – Donna Christianello courtesy of Velvet.

I'm assuming this is Ric Flair's Mother — 78 is the new 35

Elimination 2 through 5:

Dawn Marie elimnated by Rockin’ Robin
Rockin’ Robin elimnated by Sensational Sherri
Fabulous Moolah eliminated by Judy Martin
Sensational Sherri eliminated by Velvet McIntyre
Velvet McIntyre eliminated by Leilani Kai

After 5 minutes of watching this match I am having a really hard time getting past the outfits that the glamour girls are wearing. Gold and Black with a little heart – I don’t know why but it’s just hideous. I’m surprised.

I'm not sure why you're surprised — Although given it was the 80’s, I’m not sure what I expected

The hair doesn’t help either. I could overlook some of this if the match itself was actually any good. Moola should never have been in this match as any momentum comes to a grinding halt when she gets involved and I’m pretty sure Rockin’ Robin was just one of costume girls in the back that they threw in the ring.

McMahon - Quick! Can you wrestle? Robin - No, I'm an accounta- McMahon - Perfect! Put on this bathing suit! Match starts in 8 minutes! — McMahon – Quick! Can you wrestle?
Robin – No, I’m an accountant and –
McMahon – Perfect! Put on this bathing suit! Match starts in 8 minutes!

The fact that she has no muscle definition or actual wrestling skills is surprisingly keeping my attention just to see if she will get seriously injured – but no, the WWF had one job and they screwed that up. She actually eliminates someone and then get’s eliminated herself from a normal suplex – good job… said no one ever!

Elimination 6 /7 : Leilani Kai and Judy Martin eliminated by the Bomb Angels

The only entertaining part of this match (aside from writing this kick ass review) is the Jumping Bomb Angels. They display some nice agility and pull off some decent moves while just screaming incoherently the whole time. In the end they manage to get the teams down to a classic 2 on 2 tag match with the Bomb Angels and the Hideous Glamour Girls facing off before the Bomb Angels manage to drop some high risk moves off the top rope to pick up the victory.

The real highlight of the night is when one of the Jumping Bomb Angels actually drop kicks Jimmy Hart off the apron. The guy literally falls backwards so that his head would hit the floor first a la pile driver style. I’m sitting here wondering if he’s unconscious, dead, paralyzed and really if they cut to another match or promo I could have been left with my own imagination and come up with tons of scenarios but no, he just gets up and walks away. Sigh.

You'd think he'd know how to take a hit by now — You’d think he’d know how to take a hit by now

Overall: 3/10 but only because Jimmy Hart broke his neck

Survivor Match #3 – Tag Team Match: The Killer B’s, The British Bulldogs, Strike Force, The Young Stallions, The Rougeaus vs. The Islanders, The Dream Team, The Bolsheviks, The Hart Foundation, Demolition

This match is a 5 on 5, tag team event – 10 tag teams, 20 men. If one member of the tag team get pinned (or equivalent) then the whole team is out. Narratively, I have no insight into what has happened in the 6 months since Wrestlemania 3 since we’re only watching the Pay Per Views. I am confused on a few points:

– The Bolsheviks? What happened to the Iron Sheik?

– Strike Force? Wasn’t Rick Martel just in the Can Am Connection? Did he drop Tom Zenk already? He barely gave him a chance!

All hail the mighty Zenk — Martel does not return my texts. The mighty Zenk just wants to talk!

Elimination 1: Bolsheviks eliminated by flying forearm from Tito

The match kicks off and the Bolsheviks are eliminated pretty quickly with a beautiful flying forearm by Tito. That move is spectacular. The action continues through a series of quick tags and the crowd is pretty quiet through the whole thing. You know what, maybe they can’t see the action with that many guys around the ring.

There's no "maybe" about it. — There’s no “maybe” about it.

Elimination: Jaques Rougeau gets eliminated by Ax after missing a move like a moron

I find it very fitting that the Rougeau Bro gets eliminated by being terrible. It’s appropriate, because the Rougeaus are also terrible. To be clear, the Rougeaus are sometimes randomly terrible, but at other times, they’re specifically terrible. Anyway, Frenchie misses a move and Ax capitalizes. We’re 6 minutes into the match and I’m underwhelmed.

Elimination 3: Smash (Demolition) eliminated by randomly assaulting the ref

We keep going, and the match so far is mostly just punching and tags, punching and tags, punching and tags. Paul Roma is in there a lot, and that guy has no idea how to sell a move. It looks like wrestling a log.

Out of nowhere, Ax is eliminated for assaulting the ref, for no apparent reason. That was really clumsy. I’m not even sure the crowd gets what happened.

Elimination 4: Tito (Strike Force) eliminated by pin from Bret

11 minutes into the match and Bret Hart finally enters the ring. This is another very abrupt elimination that I had to rewind to figure out what happened. Neidhart gets nailed with Tito’s flying forearm. Tito goes in for the pin and Bret breaks the count. Then <scene deleted> and Strike Force is eliminated. Weirdly shitty camera cuts prevent me from seeing what actually happened.

It's essentially like trying to deconstruct the Zapruder film — It’s like trying to deconstruct the Zapruder film

Elimination 5: Dynamite Kid (British Bulldogs) taken down by massive kick from Haiku

Now comes the dark period of this match. 10 incredibly dull minutes where nothing of any consequence happens. Holy moly, this is a really uneven, boring event. Eventually Dynamite headbutts Haku, which leads to Haku kicking him in the face, followed by the pin. Makes sense.

Elimination 6: Valentine (Dream Team) eliminated by Sunset Flip from Paul Roma

It’s at this point I realized that Dino Bravo and Valentine have barely been in this, nor have the Killer Bees. It’s a ton of Young Stallions though. That has to be just about one of the worst names because it’s so obviously the name of a gay porno which makes talking about them awkward. I’m not even joking, click here to buy the video from http://www.buygay.com. And now I need to explain to my wife why I’m browsing gay videos.

Just to be clear, I have no problem with the porno being gay, just that it’s so obviously a porno name. It would be like a female tag team called the “Slut Hungry Dykes” or “Cum Addled School Sluts”. I would absolutely watch that team perform, so maybe Vince knows exactly what he’s doing.

It’s called “brand synergy”

Anyhow! It’s actually a great Sunset Flip off the top rope to eliminate the Hammer

Elimination 7: Bret (Hart Foundation) eliminated by Killer B through a series of absurd circumstances

Another pretty dull stretch of wrestling. The time between these pins is really tedious. Eventually the Hart Foundation are eliminated by a weird move where Niedhart ends up drop kicking a killer B who ends up on top of Bret for the pin. Honestly, it’s a weird finish. The crowd hardly reacts.

Elimination 8: Islander eliminated by Killer B through another series of absurd circumstances

You know, this whole match feels like it was set up to put over the Cock-Starved Young Stallions. Now we just have the Islanders left and another tedious 6 minutes of wrestling. You’d think they’d use the momentum to slip in a quick pin, but not. They just. Keep. Wrestling.

The match finally ends when the killer B’s throw on their masks and make themselves indistinguishable to the refs. The illegal man comes into the ring without the tag, gets the quick pin with a move off the ropes and it’s all over.

Overall: This match was pretty terrible and uneven. 0 / 20

Survivor Match #4 – Team Andre (Ravishing Rick Rude, King Kong Bundy, “The Natural” Butch Reed, One Man Gang, Andre The Giant) vs. Team Hogan (Ken Patera, Bam Bam Bigalow, Paul Orndorff, Don Moraco, Hulk Hogan)

Well I’m confused again. When did Paul Orndorff and Moraco become good guys? I don’t remember Moraco ever turning face. This is the problem with only watching the PPV’s, there is a ton of stuff I don’t remember.

Here’s something else – Bundy and One Man Gang are exactly the same size. In fact, they might be the same person. When Bundy needs to wrestle as One Man Gang, he just straps a mowhawk to his head. I’m positive this is the case. Just consider – when have you ever seen them in a match together?

Elimination 1: Hogan eliminates Butch Reed

Jesus Christ, “The Rock” Don Moraco is just jacked. What is it with guys named the Rock?

Can you smell what either Rock is cooking? Hint - It's insane amount of steroids. — Can you smell what either Rock is cooking? Hint – It’s insane amount of steroids.

The match starts off with a bunch of tags and guys jumping in and out of the ring. Rick Rude gets beaten up for awhile and the crowd is on their feet as the intensity and excitement of this match is ramped up to 10+. For example, Bam Bam presses Rude, which is… really surprising. I didn’t think Bam Bam had it in him.

I'm sure Rick Rude was also unhappily surprised — I’m sure Rick Rude was also unhappily surprised

Then Ken Patera tags in and the crowd sits back down and goes to the concession for Nacho hats. Butch reed comes in, things happen, Hogan drops the leg and we have our first elimination of the match. That was a great start – tons of power moves, lots of action.

Take note, horrible Tag Team match that has already happened.

Elimination 2: One Man Gang eliminates Ken Patera
Andre comes in to take care of business and starts off against Ken Patera. This doesn’t even need a snappy analogy – this matchup is exactly as lopsided as Andre The Giant fighting Ken Patera. Andre says fuck this and in comes Bundy. More offense from Team Hogan and we have some back and forth from the group. Eventually Patera ends up with One Man Gang and the crowd starts chanting. I honestly can’t make out what they’re saying – it sounds like “Front Face Lock” which is exactly the move Gang is giving Patera. That.. that can’t be right?

No, it's not right. They're chanting "Andre Sucks". — No, it’s not right. They’re chanting “Andre Sucks”.

Regardless, none of this is particularly helpful to K.P. Eventually the Gang more or less falls on Patera and gets the pin. Front Face Lock indeed.

Then One Man Gang just kind of... sits down. — Then One Man Gang just kind of… sits down.

Elimination 3 & 4 & 5: Rick Rude eliminates Paul Orndorff / Moraco eliminates Rick Rude / One Man Gang eliminates Moraco

The next few eliminations happen in pretty quick succession. These guys are doing a fantastic job keeping the energy up. The crowd is on their feet for most of the match and the pace is pretty frantic. Rude and Orndorff square off for a bit, and Rude nails him with a small package. Hogan jumps in to keep the fight going and him and Moraco take turns beating on Rude like he was Danny Davis. Moraco hits Rude with a power slam for the pin and we’re down to 3 on 3. Moraco keeps going against Bundy before mixing it up with One Man Gang. Moraco goes for the slam, can’t pull it off and gets pinned.

Elimination 6: H.. Hogan?
Next up is the fat battle, with Gang and King Kong taking turns putting it to Bam Bam.

With these guys, that sentence has a different context

They can’t bring in Andre because he can barely move. Bam Bam carries the match by himself, just acting as a throw cushion for the beating he’s taking. Finally Andre comes in, misses a move and the tag is made to Hogan. The crowd explodes as WM3 repeats itself. Hogan beats up everyone before being pulled out of the ring by Bundy. More mayhem ensues with Hogan slamming both Bundy and One Man Gang before getting counted out of the ring.

The crowd is not happy.

Elimination 7 & 8: Bam Bam eliminates Bundy and One Man Gang.
It’s just Bam Bam vs. everyone. I did not see this coming. Bam Bam does what he can to keep the momentum going by eliminating Bundy, but it just takes too much out of him. Gorilla is in on the gag too, and says “One Man Gang having a field day.. as Bam Bam is wide open”.

Heh

Jokes aside, I’m really impressed by Bam Bam’s performance this match. I was always indifferent to him, but this bout may have changed my mind. He is doing a great job carrying the action. One Man Gang misses off the top rope (which is an odd sentence to type) and Bam gets the cover. Holy shit! It’s Bam Bam vs. Andre! This going to be….

Elimination 9: Andre wins!
… over in 2 minutes. This isn’t much of a surprise. Bam Bam is pretty exhausted at this point and Andre can barely move, so the end comes quickly. Andre does some weird combination side suplex / arm bar / collapse for the pin.

MRAGGLAUghhhh. So tired — MRAGGLAUggghhhhhhh. So tired

To the surprise of no one, Hogan runs back into the ring, chases Andre out and then poses for a bit.

Overall: I was pleasantly surprised by this match. 9/14

Wrestlemania III

April 30, 2015January 27, 2016Michael James1 Comment

1. Rick Martel and Tom Zenk (The Can Am Connection) vs Don Muraco and Cowboy Bob Orton

Can Am Connection: Forever blurring the line between wrestlers and underwear models

I am super excited for this. Wrestlemania III! The big one! Widely considered one of the top five Wrestlemania’s. Almost impossible to be worse than Wrestlemania II! So let’s get started!

At the time, Rick Martel was regarded as the best technical wrestler the WWE had ever signed, but had no tag partner who could keep up with his explosive speed and raw, animal power (citation needed)

Enter Tom Zenk. Zenk was designed to be the ultimate WWE tag partner. Under the direction of Gorilla Monsoon, McMahon combed the tombs of the greatest evil leaders in history to find cells with DNA traces. These long-dead genetic blueprints were combined to produce a clone with the genius of Napolean, the ruthlessness of Julius Ceaser, the daring of Hannibal and the shrewdness of Attila the Hun. He then cloned them and engineered Tom Zenk in a lab (citation needed)

The result was the Can Am connection, and this match.

Overall: Yo Joe! And trust me, that recap was more entertaining than the match

2. Billy Jack Haynes vs Hercules Hernandez

The Rock starring in 2014's "Hercules", based entirely on this match — The Rock starring in 2014’s “Hercules”, based entirely on this match

WM3 reportedly broke an indoor attendance record with 93,000 on hand to watch the event. The great thing about this is that every match – no matter how theoretically terrible – manages to crank the excitement up to 11.

It’s great because all the wrestlers are bringing their best game to the table. For example, this one should have been a really dull affair. Neither of these guys are too technically interesting, but man, do they ever put on a solid show.

For example, this is 45 goddamn seconds into the match

It’s a theme through the whole event. Mediocre matches are elevated to fantastic matches.

This one ends with a double count out. Shrug. They do a decent job at keeping the energy high and Haynes gets cut after the match is over from repeated shots from Herc’s chain. I looked pretty closely, but I couldn’t see the cut, but Haynes got himself pretty deep it looks like.

Normally with a post-match beating by a heel, a superstar would normally come out and save the babyface, but there is no one who wants to save Haynes. I guess he is a loser?

Overall: Better match than it should have been. 3.5 / 5

3. Hillbilly Jim vs King Kong Bundy

Hey gang! Me again! Still perfectly goddamn round, just like a giant gobstopper

I do not have high hopes for this match. Neither Bundy or Hillbilly Jim are very talented wrestlers, so I’m going to imagine this will be pretty dull. Also, has there ever been this significant a drop in booking from one wrestlemania to the next? Bundy went from the headline event at Wrestlemania 2 to this filth

As expected, this is not a great match. It ends with Bundy attacking one of the little people and a disqualification. The first mis-step in an otherwise good PPV, if you don’t count the creation of the horrible, horrible Tom Zenk

Overall: Awful idea that provided one minute of amusement. 2/10

4. Harley Race vs Junkyard Dog

Oh god. Damn. It. My nemesis JYD against the septuagenarian Harley Race. JYD is too terrible to wrestle well and Race is too old. There is nothing to like about this one.

This isn't a move; just Harley Race randomly falling out of the ring — This isn’t a move; just Harley Race randomly falling out of the ring

Inevitably, JYD manages to get down to the mat for his patented head butts which allows for Gorilla Monsoon to unleash the quote of the PPV “Dog on all fours – that’s his favorite position”, I would have expected that from Jesse Ventura so well done Gorilla…well done.

Here's what you do Gorilla, you grab yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day... — Here’s what you do Gorilla, you grab yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day…

The match has everything you’d expect from a JYD match. Shitty wrestling, headbutts, terrible selling of moves and dancing. I am delighted that this is the Dog’s last Wrestlemania. I am also delighted that Race beats him clean with a belly to belly suplex. Fuck you Dog.

Overall: Ha ha Dog sucks. 3 /1 4

5. Dream Team Brutus Beefcake and Greg Valentine vs Rougeau Brothers

We get our strength from bags of milk and lays chips, eh? — Us Canadians get our strength from bags of milk and lays chips, eh?

I’m kind of confused, I really remember liking WM3 a lot more but I can’t think of why. This is another match where I’m kind of “meh” on the participants. I generally like a match with the Dream Team, but I never found the Rougeau’s very dynamic. Having said that, I do enjoy their signature move, the Canadian Crotch Catch

The match ends with Brutus turning face because… for no real reason. Like I can’t tell at all what happened. It’s probably the clumsiest turn in in WWE history. What do you think Tom Zenk?

Overall: Come on WM3, turn it around. 6/20

6. Rowdy Roddy Piper vs Adorable Adrian Adonis – Hair match

Piper! Yes! I cannot dislike a Piper match. This has been billed as a retirement match and the crowd is fired up and on their feet. For the first time, you really get how deafening it is when 90,000 people are on their feel screaming. It’s a fantastic ovation and Piper loves it.

The match doesn’t have much actual wrestling, just a lot of punching and kicking and whipping with belts. The crowd is on their feet and screaming for every move and it generates more excitement than the match deserves. Ultimately Piper gets hit with a spray of perfume and Adonis slaps on the sleeper hold, or as he calls it “Good Night Irene”. That’s… that’s actually kind of a great name. Good work Adonis.

Adonis drops the move too soon and Brutus comes out of nowhere to revive Piper. I guess this entire match was to set up Brutus as the Barber when he comes out to cuts Adonis’s hair. What a weird character that was, although I guess no more odd than a magic wrestling Zombie who got power from bottled dust

Me. He's talking about me. — Me. He’s talking about me.

The best part of the match is the fan who comes out to hug Piper….

… and then gets immediately set on by security.

Oh god, why won't this end? — Oh god, why won’t this end?

I am stunned he made it to the ring

Overall: Piper! Awesome! 89/10

7. Hart Foundation with Danny Davis vs British Bulldogs and Tito Santana

We're awesome and we love valentine's day! — We’re awesome and we love valentine’s day!

Finally! A Hart Foundation match! Why did we go three entire Wrestlemania’s before giving these guys their own match? I love Bret Hart, and anything these two do against the Bulldogs is fantastic, so I’m ready to settle in for a great match

This is technically a six man bout, with Tito Santana joining up with the Bulldogs and disgraced Referee Danny Davis teaming with the Hart Foundation. A professional wrestler and a 170 pound referee. That seems fair and even.

Gorilla reminds us that Danny Davis cannot be a ref anymore, he’s been suspended for life + 10 years. I guess Gorilla thinks Danny Davis is immortal? I think this was foreshadowing that Danny Davis was originally supposed to be the Undertaker?

This match is a great combination of excellent technical wrestling and seeing Danny Davis being beaten within an inch of his life. Davey Boy hits him with a jumping piledriver that would be literally illegal today. Like, 10 different types of banned.

It is no longer acceptable to try to drive a mans head into his own torso

The match obviously ends with the old megaphone-me-do and the quick pin and the Hart Foundation chalk up the win. Just a great match.

Overall: Davey Boy nearly killed a man! 8/12

8. Natural Butch Reed vs Koko B Ware

What is it with Wrestlemania 3 screwing up the entrance music? Isn’t Koko supposed to enter to “Love hits you like a piledriver“? Why is he coming down to what sounds like a song that is “Wow! Hallelujah!”?

Okay, Jesse is unbelievably racist in calling this one. He starts with “You know Gorilla, the B stands for Buckwheat. He told me he has another brother named Stymie.” He continues with “And what’s with the glove? I mean, Michael Jackson wears a glove, but Buckwheat don’t”.

Jesus Christ Jesse, you racist motherfucker.

The most interesting part of this match is the ending. Butch Reed gets a contested win by grabbing a handful of tights and guess who is down there telling the ref he made a mistake and correcting the wrongs? Tito Santana! Dude loves jumping into matches!

Overall: Honestly Tito, mind your own business. 2/139

9. Ricky the Dragon Steamboat vs Macho Man Randy Savage

This is widely regarded as one of the greatest wrestling matches of all time, and I can’t disagree. It’s unbelievable. The lead up to this match generated insane heat, with Savage fracturing Steamboat’s Larynx with a ring bell.

There has been about a million words written about this match, so I don’t have much new to add. One thing I learned recently, apparently this isn’t Steamboats favorite match, due to how scripted it was. Savage was known to be a very detailed planner, and both wrestlers spent 3 months leading up to this match planning literally every single beat. The story goes that Steamboat preferred more fluid matches where you call the moves in real time.

Despite what Steamboat thinks about planning, this entire match is brilliant. The excitement goes through the roof, especially around about minute 7 when they go for about 10 pins in a 2 minute period. I don’t think there is one wrestler active today who could have pulled off this match.

Overall: No jokes, just a brilliant, brilliant match. 10/10

The Mighty Zenk also approves! — This match is kickass! Also, kneel before Zenk!

10. Jake the Snake Roberts vs Honky Tonk Man

Sorry gals. Just by looking at this picture, you are now all pregnant

I didn’t remember this at all, but this match had quite a bit of heat leading up to it. It was a result of Honky hitting Jake with a guitar in a segment of pipers pit.

What would be the draw to appear on Pipers Pit if you were a wrestler? The chances of being randomly attacked were like 70%. I guess it was no different than Jerry Springer. So just counting, three matches in this Wrestlemania were as a result of Piper’s Pit: this match, the Andre / Hogan match and the actual Piper / Adonis match.

This match is a pretty tame affair, with some decent moments, but nothing too great. Some standard back and forth that sees Honky winning with the ropes. Jake Roberts and Alice Cooper pause briefly to throw a heavily drugged python at a small man with a megaphone. That is the 4th time in my life I have written that exact sentence, but never once in the same context.

Overall: Ho hum: 6.4/11

11. Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff vs the Killer Bees

The Sheik and Volkoff against the Killer Bees! I could not be less excited. The match starts – as always – with the Russian national anthem being sung by Volkoff and oh god here comes Hacksaw Jim Shithead Duggan. I was wrong, I can be less excited and now here I am.

The crowd is pretty mellow considering this is the next to final match. There’s a couple decent pops, but nothing great. The one nice this about this one is how quickly it ends. The Sheik and Volkoff have the win pretty much clean when Hacksaw jumps in and shits all over everything and gets the bees disqualified. The crowd barely, barely cares.

Overall: Apparently I despised a great many wrestlers from the 80’s. Weird. 2/16

12. Hulk Hogan vs Andre the Giant

Man, we should just keep getting high. What were we even fighting about?

Here we go, the big one. Arguably the most famous match in all of wrestling history. There’s so many stories about this one. I like the mythology but I don’t buy some of them:

– Hogan said Andre was closer to 700 pounds than 500. I call bullshit on that. He’s not a fucking SUV, he’s a human man.

– Hogan said he didn’t actually know if he was going to win the match. What I do believe is that if Andre didn’t want to be slammed, then Andre wasn’t getting slammed. I think more what Hogan meant is he didn’t have pre-match commitment from Andre on the match, but I have trouble believing McMahon would have let the match go if he wasn’t sure Hogan was going to win

Anyway, the match is so lousy with mythology that it’s still entertaining to watch for the spectacle, although the match itself is nothing special. Lots of great posturing and the actual moment when Hogan slams Andre is one of the biggest pops you’ll hear in wrestling. Hogan drops the big leg and it’s 1-2-3 all over. A great end to a great (although not that great, on re-watch) Wrestlemania.

Overall: 9/10 for the history, 2/10 for the match

Wrestlemania II

April 21, 2015January 27, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

Christ, here we go. I am not looking forward to this one, as I recall WM2 is terrible. Will it have aged like a fine wine? Or soured like a fine ballsack?

1. Mr Wonderful Paul Orndorff vs. Don Moraco

For Wrestlemania 2, they made a couple of terrible decisions, which, combined with the lackluster matches, conspired to sink the show before it began. Bad decision #1 – splitting the venue. Bad decision #2 – guest commentators. For this match we have the “electric” duo of Vince McMahon and Susan St. James. Unsurprisingly, they’re terrible together. He is still finding his rhythm and I don’t believe she has ever watched wrestling. She might think that it’s boxing – not sure. This match is a pretty quick affair – they exchange some moves and then get counted out. Meh.

Overall: I am too apathetic to provide a rating

2. Randy “Macho Man” Savage vs. George “The Animal” Steele

First impression is that Macho Man was so lean and tiny compared to the last time I saw him as the Bone Saw guy in Spiderman 1.

Humans are supposed to look like they're about to explode, right? — Humans are supposed to look like they’re about to explode, right?

Ugh. I do not like George Steele. The shtick really gets old fast, and it’s not entertaining enough to last a match. Macho does the best he can here, but he’s really working against a stacked deck. The entire thing is punches, bites, flowers, turnbuckles. The only bright side is this exchange:

Susan St. James: He may not be smart, but he has respect for women!

Vince: Indeed he does!

Way to set that bar pretty frigging low, gang. George’s respect for women has been to stare at Elizabeth like a piece of chocolate. His only advantage over Macho Man is that he’s not openly physically abusive. Note – at this point, Susan St. James was married to Dick Emersol. Is there a deeper meaning here?

Ho hum, Macho hits flying elbow, Steele kicks out, Macho gets pin using ropes. Dull, terrible match.

Overall: two crummy matches for two

3. George Wells vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts

How is this the buildup match for the venue? George Wells is introduced to a tepid smattering of applause and Jake enters to no music to and complete, apathetic silence. The match itself has a decent pace to it, with both guys keeping the speed up….fjsoeirfslnfsouf9f9f999999999 Wow, sorry about that. I blacked out on my keyboard due to sarcastic boredom. The only highlight of this match is you can start to see some of the signature Jake the Snake moves that he’d incorporate into his routine:

A. Pointing to his head showing how smart he is after ducking a move

B. Sprawled askew on the ropes

C. Sexually uncomfortable and inappropriate pin technique

Overall: Vince refers to the DDT as a “oh no, he dropped him right on his head!”. Fuck this match and fuck George Wells . 1/20

4. Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Mr T

Here’s how I would assume the conversation went the day after Wrestlemania 2 in Long Island:

Guy 1: Hey man, how was that massive pile of shit you paid money to eat last night?

Guy 2: Long and horrible! But at least I got to hear the soothing, shrieking voice of Joan Rivers announce the ringside judges for the Piper / T match. And goddamn if she wasn’t drunk.

Apparently in boxing it is common to have ringside judges. For this match they had NBA star “Chocolate Thunder” Darryl Dawkins. Cab Callaway… Herb…. what is even happening right now?

“No, even I don’t know who the frig Herb is” – sincerely, 1986

She finishes by announcing “Our third judge, one of my favorite Watergate judges – G. Gorden Liddy”. What does that mean? What could that possibly mean? How drunk is she?

Seriously, she confused him with this guy, which is like confusing Kenneth Lay for Sim Lake. Not one single person is going to get that joke.

This match was a terrible idea. I am astounded this is the main event. Every single element of this match is handled terribly. Here is what Piper has to say about it. I have helpfully underlined the sentances where I do not understand one single goddamn word of what Piper is saying.

“It was one of the worst matches of my life. Why? In that match with Mr. T, they didn’t trust me. I had done some boxing. I trained for 5 weeks for this fight. They taped my fists up solid and then put it in the gloves. He was scared. At the end of the day it was my fault, let’s make that clear. Those boxing gloves are thumbless. Mr. T was supposed to throw a left-cross. They asked me for a little show-business. So when he threw the left, I was supposed to go through the ropes to the floor. But when he threw it, he missed. He was all tired. They really protected him. We got an old saying, I would rather you punch my teeth down my throat then throw a popcorn punch!”

Overall: I feel very sorry for Long Island. 1 out of a million

5. Velvet McIntyre vs Fabulous Moola

I don’t normally watch women’s matches. This one is no exception.

Overall: ??

6. Nikolai Volkoff vs. Corporal Kirchner

The rumor is that this match was originally supposed to be against Sargent Slaughter. As the story goes, Slaughter was scheduled to appear in a non-televised match a couple weeks earlier. Prior to the match starting he told Vince he was not going to wrestle without a raise. Vince agreed, the match happened and then he immediately fired Slaughter when the match was over. This left Vince with a hole for Wrestlemania 2, so Kirchner was a last minute stand in. What I think is fantastic is a Corporal is the literal rank below a Sargent. Presumably if Kirchner had not worked out, they would have gotten Specialist Mitchell, then PFC Fernandez, eventually topping out at Private Wrestler.

Featured: Private Wrestler and his unexpectedly massive coin sack

The match is boringly indifferent. Kirchner is not a talented wrestler, and Nickolai is only as decent as his opponent. The match ends quickly as Kirchner nails Volkoff with a cane thrown by Freddie Blassie. 1-2-3, another dull mid-card bites the dust

Overall: This match – Ha-Phooey!

7. Battle Royal

Lots of “classic” wrestlers in this match who were absent from Wrestlemania 1. King Tonga, Pedro Morales, Hillbilly Jim, Danny Spivey.. what a miserable group! But it’s the first Wrestlemania for Bret Hart! I have no idea what the thought was for adding football players to this. Did this decision somehow boost their attendance? Were Iron Mike Sharpe and Steve Lombardi booked and they couldn’t fill the ring?

I remember thinking this match was the greatest thing I’d ever seen when I first watched it as a kid. It does not really age well. It’s kind of an interesting affair, but mostly you’re just waiting for the ring to clear out to get down to the final four. There are some mildly interesting eliminations, specifically the Big John Studd putting the Fridge over the top. My favorite part of this match was seeing the Hart Foundation against Andre. It’s the only time we’d see that particular match up. Some great moves at the end, and it finishes with Andre throwing Bret Hart right onto Neidhart.

Overall: A great match for what it was at the time. 20 man / 40 man

8. British Bulldogs vs. Brutus Beefcake and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine

This remains one of my favorite tag matches of all time. This is to tag matches was Macho Man vs. Steamboat is for singles matches. This one event might single-handedly save all of Wrestlemania 2 and make the it worthwhile.

This match has incredible moves with really great back and forth between the teams. Brutus and Valentine were a great heel team and this was the Bulldogs at the top of their game. Dynamite Kid could really move for a dude his size. The teams pull out all the stops, both sides just coming up with some fantastic and unexpected bumps

Brutus does this fantastic move to Davey Boy where he puts him in a hammer lock and picks him up and throws him on his back. I had literally never seen that move before, and it was just incredible

Honestly, just a thing of beauty. Davey Boy's back may disagree — Honestly, just a thing of beauty. Davey Boy’s back may disagree

The match has one of the all-time great endings, with Dynamite Kid perching on the ropes and Davey Boy ramming Valentine’s head against it. He falls on top of him for the pin, and the bell ringer goes insane, hitting the bell about 40 times in 3 seconds. The crowed loses their minds. Great end to a great match

Overall: 10/10

9. Hercules Hernandez vs. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat

I’ve said it before, Steamboat can’t have a bad match. The match is generally fine, with some pretty decent moves Hercules noticeably has trouble keeping up with the pace Steamboat is trying to set. A few of the moves are visibly sloppy, with Hercules needing more time to lumber into the move setup. Steamboat dominates almost all of this match. Herc launches a little offense, but nothing too significant. Steamboat does a great job selling everything Herc is throwing at him. The match does was it’s supposed to and gets the crowd warmed up. It ends with Steamboats High Cross Body and a great start to the third venue. Shit, maybe this entire Wrestlemania is really starting to find its footing

Overall: Not a terrible followup to the tag match but really not a big match you would expect at WM2. 4.10

10. Uncle Goddamn Elmer vs. Adorable Adrian Adonis

Uncle Elmer looks exactly like Louis CK, just fatter

I hate both these wrestlers, so I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this match. Adrian Adonis wasn’t that bad as a wrestler, but his entire shtick rings as grotesquely mean-spirited in 2015 and it’s pretty uncomfortable to watch. The match itself is a piece of shit. The only surprise is that Adonis wins clean without cheating. At least we’re back to completely horrible matches that Wrestlemania 2 is known for. God forbid it got decent for even a half second

Overall: 2 / 47

11. Tito Santana and Junkyard Dog vs. Terry and Hoss Funk

The Funktabulous Funk Brothers, Funking it up, taking no Funk

Well okay, a couple things here. For starters, we’ve already had the best tag match of all time tonight, so these guys have a pretty high bar to hit. Secondly, this was the penultimate match of Wrestlemania 2? The Funking Funk brothers and JYD? I have incredibly low expectations for this match.

I can’t remember why they did it, but I feel like they just crammed JYD and Santana together in the hopes that their combined popularity would result in magic. Mission not accomplished. Part of the problem with this match is that Terry Funk and Santana are fantastic wrestlers. JYD is not. He fucks up the pace of the match every time he enters the ring. He’s overwhelmingly the more popular wrestler, but there is no accounting for the fans in 1986. They’re idiots. The match ends because time rolls inexorably forward, it’s relentless march making fools of all as we dance futilely in the hourglass of the years. For every season, turn, turn, turn.

Overall: Matches with JYD make me understand my own mortality. 7/12

12. Hulk Hogan Vs. King Kong Bundy

The Pre-match promos feature Hogan working out in his “private gym”

Not only that, the guy in the tank top is Hogan's Doctor. The guy in the tank top. And how did Hillbilly Jim get there, wasn't he in Chicago for the Battle Royale? How did he get to LA so quickly? — How did Hillbilly Jim get there, wasn’t he in Chicago for the Battle Royal? How did he get to LA so quickly?

Not only that, the guy in the tank top is Hogan’s Doctor. The guy in the tank top. The implication is that Hogan, before receiving medical attention, forced his personal doctor to wear his branded merchandise.

The recap for this match features one of my favorite moments from wrestling of all time. In the workup, Bundy attacks Hogan on Saturday Night’s Main Event and avalanches him a bunch of time. Hogan collapses, pretending to be unconscious and leads to this exchange:

McMahon: He looks unconscious!

Jesse: (quiet, awed) I believe you’re right. I believe he is unconscious.

It is the best acting Jesse has ever done in his life…

..and led to years of me and my friends using that line whenever one of us failed at anything – “I believe you’re right. I believe he is unconscious”. Anyhow! This match is a pretty dull affair. It was pretty great at the time but after decades of Hell in a Cell and TLC matches it seems pretty tame. The biggest surprise is Bundy cutting himself open, it’s a nice touch for a Wrestlemania. I have to say, I’m pretty exhausted by this point. It was just such a shitty PPV, not even a Hogan match can save it for me. I’m just glad this is over.

Overall: Finally! Bed time! 3/122

Wrestlemania I Recap

April 7, 2015March 20, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. Tito Santana vs. The Executioner (Buddy Rose)

I'm sad. So very, very sad. — I’m sad. So very, very sad.

And here we go. The very first match of the very first Wrestlemania. A very solid, standard work by both Santana and The Executioner to kick off what would would become the WWE’s signature Pay Per View event. The match itself is nothing special, with some very standard back and forth, but there are some elements of the match that just seem very quaint and charming compared to wrestling in 2015:

No entrance, both competitors start in the ring. They continued with this trend almost right through Wrestlemania 3. It took them 4 years to get the hang of the entrance and the understanding about how that component of the match is almost as fun as the match itself
They dub the executioner as “parts unknown, weight unknown”. The implication being he literally refused to participate in the weigh in and they couldn’t eyeball it. I guess he also got paid in cash if he wouldn’t reveal where he’s from? What does the “from” in wrestling signify anyways? Where you born, or where you currently lived? Why would the executioner be from parts unknown? I’d hazard a guess that he’s American, but couldn’t they take a stab at that either?
“I have not seen of late this particular executioner”. Man, Gorilla Monsoon is the best. After The Executioner headbutts Tito, he follows up with this comment: “Might we one of his forte’s, we really can’t tell at this time”. They are really playing up the angle that they have no idea who this wrestler is. It’s fantastic. How would that booking even realistically work? Did he show up backstage in the mask, just say “I’m one of several Executioners, I want to wrestle at your signature event.”? I guess they shrugged and said sure? This is why wrestling is the greatest sport on Earth.
Absolutely no room outside the ring. This carries through all of Wrestlemania – the action really stayed in the ring. There is almost no outside match to speak of.
Tito’s Flying forearm was a great finisher and he really sold the move. It just goes to show that you don’t need something absurdly complicated (I’m looking at you Sister Abigail) to have a great finisher. It also shows how a great wrestler can sell a really simple move and how terrible wrestlers can’t (I’m looking at you Superman Punch)

Overall: A very good start to both WWE Replay and Wrestlemania: 16 out of 22

2. Special Delivery (SD) Jones vs. King Kong Bundy

There is so little to stay about this match. The entire thing existed to put Bundy over as an unstoppable monster. Bundy wins in 8 seconds.

Here’s a fun fact (citation needed): after the match was over, SD Jones was so disillusioned by wrestling that he immediately quit the sport to play football as “Special Delivery” Eddie Jones – a white running back who played for the Chicago Bears in 1941. This required him to build a functional time machine, which he fashioned out of old watch parts and a calculator. This would eventually prove to be the inspiration for the hit show, Quantum Leap which aired just 4 years later. SD Jones was never credited with its creation.

Edgar_Jones,_Cleveland_Browns_running_back,_in_1948 — Him. He became this guy

Overall: Ultimately Quantum Leap was a brilliant series, marred by a very disappointing finale. 4 / 12

3. Ricky Steamboat vs. Matt Borne

I don’t think it’s possible for Steamboat to have a bad match. I really don’t. What I find kind of interesting is when I was a kid watching this, I thought Steamboat was a “small” guy. But look at him! He’s jacked! I think it’s just a measure of how fast he was that he could be considered as one of the smaller wrestlers. Alternately I have a horrible memory. Either or.

Generally, nothing wrong with this match at all. It’s great to see some of the moves that you don’t see anymore, specifically the atomic drop. No one does those anymore, but why? It’s a great move!

Steamboat ends the match with what I thought was called a “high cross body” but that Jesse Ventura calls “A beautiful flying… tackle.. off the top rope, a la Jimmy Snuka” or “ABFTOTTRALJS”.

Overall: Fun fact: Matt Bourne is “Doink the Clown”! 18/21

4. Brutus Beefcake vs. David Sammartino

I'm a fat piece of shit — I’m a fat piece of shit

Wow, what a total piece of garbage this match is, that I am completely not excited for. Here’s a question though – why did they list Brutus Beefcake as parts unknown? I thought they only did that for guys with masks.

This match is really, really slow. Just a lot of jockying for position, arm locks and a series of amateur takedowns. Sammartino is a plodding, slow wrestler. He moves with all the speed of an amateur screenwriter finishing a coffee in starbucks. If he was continental drift, I’d be typing this from Africa. His attacks are as gently ineffective as an occupy movement. Philosophy majors find meaningful employment faster than he can land a headlock.

The one bright light in this otherwise horrific match is that it ends

Overall: Obviously, I hated this match. 0 / 10

5. Junkyard Dog vs. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine

Gorilla calls him “The Juker”. Was that a thing we were ever doing in 1985? I can’t stress enough how much I dislike the Junkyard Dog. For example, if him and David Sammartino were forced into a kissing contest, I would not be turned on.

Here’s the challenge with JYD. His entire in-ring persona was based on his spectacular charisma. The crowd absolutely loved the guy, and he rose to be an insanely popular mid-card solely on the strength of his personality. His actual wrestling skills – at least to the extent they were displayed in the WWE – were virtually non-existent. So to be a fan of his, you have to fine him entertaining for himself. Which I don’t. <Shrug>. Different strokes I guess.

This match ends with Valentine putting his feet on the ropes for the pin. Before the match can end, Tito Santana runs out and sets the ref straight. The ref agrees with the random Mexican stranger who interrupts the match to explain what he saw from the dressing room 300 meters away and appropriately decides to change his own decision without going to the replay, the timekeeper, any of the photographers at ringside or the commentators.

Fun fact about Greg Valentine – this entire page of insanity

Overall: Another match bites the dust. 2 / 72

6. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff vs. Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo

Teach us, magical wrestling icons, about complicated international politics!

Here are some things I apparently cannot spell. Sheik, Nikolai, Volkoff, Windham, Rotundo. This match is a challenge to recap for me.

Volkoff singing the Russian anthem before the match has to be one of the best heel moves in the history of wrestling, followed by the Sheik’s cutting geopolitical punditry: “Russia! Number One! Iran! Number One! USA! Ha-phooey!”.

I love Windham and Mike Rotundo as a tag team, and I don’t know why. While they were not the most exciting duo, they ushered in an era of –

Wait, is their entrance version of “Born in the USA” a weird, elevator-music instrumental only version? Holy crap, it is. Why aren’t they using the real version? Also, why do half the pages list Mike Rotundo’s name as “Rotunda”? A Rotunda is any ground building with a circular floor plan, not one half of the (eventual) USA Express.

The point is – this is a pretty decent match. Sheik and Volkoff were a great heel tag team and Rotundo and Windham really did work well together. The arm drag by Rotundo on the Sheik is gorgeous. The crown pops through the whole match and it’s a lot of fun.

Overall: USA! USA!

7. Andre The Giant vs. Big John Studd

It’s a shame that by the time the WWE really hit the mainstream in the 80’s Andre was already a few years past his prime. For anyone whose only impression of Andre is the Wrestlemania 3 matches, go back and watch some of his stuff from the 70’s. He could move for a guy his size.

Sadly, by the time WM1 came around we had this Andre – a poor man nearly crippled by acromegaly. He gives it his all in this match, but he didn’t really have many moves left at this point. A match consisting entirely of punches and kicks. John Studd does a great job with what he has.

The match ends with the slam and despite his condition, Andre scoops up Studd like a child.

Overall: Anybody want a peanut?

8. Lelani Kai vs. Wendy Richter

You wouldn't know it, but in real life Lelani Kai is not a dwarf — You wouldn’t know it from this picture, but in real life Lelani Kai is not a dwarf

I don’t normally watch women’s matches. This one is no exception.

Overall: ??

9. Hulk Hogan & Mr. T vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper & Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff

Here we go, the main event! Hogan! Piper! S..Snuka? Funny, I thought in Wrestlemania 1 Hogan was still using Eye of the Tiger as his entrance music. For anyone who doesn’t remember this, before the days when the WWE commissioned all their songs (and thereby avoided pesky licensing fees) they used to use actual music. Hogan originally came into Eye of the Tiger by Survivor. While “Real American” has grown into it’s cultural significance, it really can’t compare to the pop he used to get. Check out the difference.

Well that’s interesting. Now thanks to Garfunkel and Oates, when I hear “Eye of the Tiger” all I can think of is “Sports, Go Sports”

Hogan and Piper are just filthy with Charisma. For the first minutes of this match it’s just Hogan and Piper posturing for the crowd and it’s literally the most exciting thing I’ve ever seen. The crowd agrees with me, they’re on their feet for basically the whole match. The first few minutes is all heat and it’s fantastic. Piper and Hogan were incredible in a way that wrestlers today just aren’t.

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand why Hogan works and Cena doesn’t. Because essentially they’re the same wrestler – big, good looking guys with incredibly limited repertoires of moves who win their matches by being indestructible. Same matches every time. Here’s what I’ve come up with, and it boils down to sweat. Bear with me.

In order for the Hogan / Cena match template to work, they need to create a suspension of disbelief with the crowd – namely that they might actually lose. We know they’re not actually going to lose, but they need to sell us on the concept, and the degree they’re successful doing that is how well they sell moves. Hogan is not necessarily better at selling moves than Cena, but within 4 minutes of any match, Hogan is just absolutely bathed in sweat. His hair is soaking wet and he’s actually glistening. This really helps give the impression that Hogan is struggling. Whereas with Cena – he’s too athletic and really in shape. He’s just a fantastic athlete who glides effortlessly through the matches. He never feels like he’s in any danger, so it’s tough for the crowd to really get invested. Whereas with Hogan you think “Christ, this 40 year old man might actually die of a heart attack”.

Anyway, this entire match is a fantastic end to to the show. Hogan, Piper and Orndorff are all at the top of their game. The match has great flow and the crowd is over the top for the whole thing. The match ends when Bob Orton misses Hogan with the cast off the top ropes and hits Orndorff instead. In the 80’s I would estimate that 75% of matches ended by either the heel hitting his own partner with a foreign object, or small package out of nowhere.

Overall: Sports, Go Sports! 9/5/11