Ultimate Warrior – WWE Replay

Summer Slam ’89

June 27, 2015January 1, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. Hart Foundation vs. Brain Busters

First off, who on earth is that doing the commentating? It’s sure not Jesse and Gorilla. It’s Jesse and someone else. Wikipedia tells me it’s Tony Schiavone.

And the Brain Busters have the title. Huh. I guess they won it from Demolition sometime after WM5. And for some reason this isn’t a title match, something to do with them booking the match when Brain Busters weren’t the champions. So lots to be confused about.

This match has tons of quick action and good momentum. The Hart Foundation take the early offense, and then it’s the Brain Busters turn. Pretty evenly split.

The fight ends up spilling outside the ring, with all four men going at it. The Hart Foundation end up back inside with Tully Blanchard and do a move so fucked up I don’t even know what it’s called.

It’s fantastic. Unfortunately, the Brain interferes, Arn Anderson kicks Hart in the head, and the Brain Busters get the pin

Overall: Great match with an incredible finish

2. Dusty Rhodes vs. The Honky Tonk Man

As I write this (Jun 2015), Dusty Rhodes literally just died about a month ago. So this is a bit depressing. Dusty Rhodes was never one of my favorite wrestlers, but the guy was an icon in the business, helping to shape both the WWE and the NWA.

He also did the “are you not entertained” pose a full 10 years before Russell Crowe

Rhodes is great at playing to the crowd, so he keeps the entertainment level pretty high. Honky ends up throwing Dusty into the ref and Hart uses the opportunity to hit him with the guitar. Dusty moves, Honky gets clocked and Dusty gets the 1-2-3

Overall: Honky really never moved above low-mid card after losing the best, did he?

3. Mr Perfect vs. The Red Rooster

I just can’t take the Red Rooster seriously, I’m not sure why. Is it the ridiculous entrance theme with the chicken noises?

The dumb hair? The outfit? The fact that it's Terry Taylor? The whole goddamn absurd character? — The dumb hair? The outfit? The fact that it’s Terry Taylor? The whole goddamn absurd character?

I really feel like one bird-themed wrestler is enough for the WWE. They already have Koko B. Ware, they really don’t need to explore more birds. Also, if they were going for the attack chicken theme, shouldn’t they have gone with the Fabulous Fighting Cock?

I’m not sure if this is Mr. Perfect doing a great job of selling, but he seems genuinely irritated to be in this match. He slaps the Rooster alot and seems to throwing a ton of potatoes. He demolishes the Rooster pretty quickly and gets the pin with the Perfect Plex

Overall: A perfectly serviceable match

4. The Rockers with Tito Santana vs. The Rougeaus with Rick Martel

This should be a good one. Plenty of talent in the ring. I don’t understand why Tito is still wearing his Strike Force tights. Will… will the WWE not spring for new tights?

The Rockers immediately jump into the ring, do like six insanely athletic moves and clear house. The Rougeaus get the upper hand though, and start putting a beating on Tito. Every time Martel gets in the ring with him, he does a ton of showboating for the crowd. They hate it and it gets the audience really fired up.

Weirdly, Jacques Rougeaus ends up slowing down the match by throwing on an Abdominal Stretch. It gives Tito a breather and the beating of Tito continues. Honestly, I think the offense against him goes on for about 14 minutes.

He finally makes the tag and Shawn Michaels comes in a house of fire. The action goes insane for about 3 solid minutes of high flying moves and the audience is on their feet the whole time. Obviously it culminates in a flying forearm and obviously I’m going to screen cap it

Drink it in, it always goes down smooth — Obviously

Unfortunately, Martel ends up getting an illegal hit on Marty Jannetty and the Rougeaus get the win.

Overall: Pretty decent match. Tito is awesome

5. Intercontinental Title Match: Ultimate Warrior vs. Ravishing Rick Rude

Didn’t I just recap this match in Wrestlemania V? I didn’t love it then, why would I want to watch it now?

Warrior – again – no-sells every single move Rude puts against him, while Rude does a great job over-selling every move Warrior does

For example, look how high Rude lifts himself

I feel like Warrior ushered in the new style of wrestling that we see reflected in the modern era. He is just a big, powerful guy that throws out punches and power moves. Half the match happens outside the ring, he’s doing moves that used to be disqualifications (like hitting Rude with the belt) and there’s no real wrestling to speak of.

I guess Vince really liked this approach.

This match is really lopsided, with Warrior beating the ever-loving crap out of Rude. Rude kicks out of a bunch of pin attempts. Eventually the momentum shifts and Rude gets the sleeper on the Warrior. As the Warrior powers out of it, there is a three way collision between Warrior, Rude and the Ref and all three men are out. Warrior Hulks out, hits a power slam, but there’s no ref to count the pin.

I’ve got to hand it to Rude, this is the second match where he’s made the Warrior seem like an actual wrestler.

Both men hit the piledriver on each other, but neither can get the pin. The momentum is now shifting back and forth every 2 minutes. The crowd is losing their mind.

Then Piper comes out.

You can guess what happens next. Rude is distracted, Warrior comes from behind and slaps on the big press slam and gets the pin.

Overall: A surprisingly great match. So far this is way better than Wreslemania V.

6. The Twin Towers with Andre the Giant vs. Demolition with Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Here’s some early thoughts. Twin Towers (an unfortunate name in retrospect) enter to “Jive Soul Bro” which is Slick’s opening theme. Is Slick the only manager to have a theme song? Do all of the guys in his stable enter to Jive Soul Bro? Should I refer to it as his “stable”? I get that he’s a pimp, but is that too on the nose?

Hacksuck sure gets included in a bunch of tag matches. I expect it’s because he’s completely, completely horrible and is unwatchable in solo matches

This match is a very standard punch-only match. What’s most surprising is they actually tag in Andre. I didn’t even think he was mobile at this point in his career.

Anyway, this match ends the same way any match with Hacksuck does. With a 2×4 to the face while the refs back is turned

Overall: I’m just glad it’s over

7. Hercules vs. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine

This match starts off with Ronnie Garvin doing ring announcing. I have no idea what the backstory is for this, but as he announces Greg Valentine he spends 2 minutes insulting him. This entire thing is just filthy with C-level wrestlers.

Both the Hammer and Hercules are looking a little long in the tooth. Just a bit slower on the pace of this one. The match comes to a surprising and unexpected end very quickly when the Hammer gets a pin by putting his feet on the ropes

Overall: Oh, there was more stuff with Ronnie Garvin. I just don’t care

8. The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase vs. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka

Wow, Snuka must be like 60 at this point. Let’s check. Hmm, nope. 46.

Much like Hercules and the Hammer, Snuka is a couple beats off his game.

Case in point – he was supposed to jump *over* Dibiase

Still, pretty good for 46 I guess. Through the whole match, Jesse refers to Snuka as alternately “an animal”, “a neanderthal” and “a gorilla”. Jesse’s racism is on fine display in this match.

The match is mostly lop-sided to Dibiase. Snuka briefly gets the upper hand and goes for the Superfly off the top ropes. Virgil distracts him, Dibiase hits him out of the ring and Snuka loses by count out. All is not lost however because he still manages to hit Virgil with the big splash

Screencap provided because it's awesome — Screencap provided because it’s awesome

Overall: Snuka!

9. Macho Man and Zeus vs. Hulk Hogan and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake

This match features Lanny Poffo (Macho Man’s brother) and Brutus Beefcake (Hogan’s very good friend) in a main event. So this match is all nepotism. Hogan, stop trying to push Beefcake on us. He’s just not that good a wrestler and “The Barber” is not that great a shtick

"This is my favorite wrestler!" - Nobody, anywhere — “This is my favorite wrestler!” – Nobody, anywhere

Hogan comes out by himself to a huge, enormous, deafening pop. Man, he was popular. Miss Elizabeth also gets a chance to come out to her own ovation and the crowd has another chance to lose their minds.

So Zeus is in this one. This is right after No Holds Barred then, the horrible Hogan action movie. I can’t remember how long Zeus lasted in the WWE, but it wasn’t long. The match starts off with Zeus in the ring and he no-sells every single move. They are obviously setting him up to be this indestructible, unstoppable monster.

Savage gets in the ring and he quickly puts a sleeper hold on Hogan. He tags in Zeus, who gets Hogan in a bear hug. This is like 6 minutes of rest holds to start the match. So, dull as shit. But finally, the tag to Beefcake… who puts Macho in a sleeper hold.

Pictured: Unrelenting, slow-paced action

Jesus.

Then Zeus comes in!!!! And… Brutus puts him in a goddamn sleeper hold. Okay, I’m pretty much done reviewing this match.

Anyway, the match ends with Hogan vs. Zeus. Hogan does his standard moves of punching and eventually hits Zeus with what seems to be a lead-filled purse. The match ends!

And then Hogan physically assaults a woman.

Overall: A pretty dull match, but Macho is still fantastic.

Royal Rumble ’89

June 19, 2015January 1, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. 6 Man Tag: Rougeau Brothers and Dino Bravo vs. Oh God Why Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Hart Foundation

Jesus Christ. I am so fucking sick of Hacksuck Shit Fuckhead. When did he finally retire from the WWE? < checks Wikipedia >. Ah shit, not until like ’93. Okay, let’s just get through this

The match starts – as always – with Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura arguing about whether Dino Bravo legitimately benched 700 pounds or whether Jesse helped him. I am kind of with Jesse on this one. Maybe Dino got a leg up from Jesse on the bench, but it doesn’t change the fact that he easily benched 400 – 600 lbs by himself a couple times. I mean, Jesus Gorilla, cut the guy some slack.

The match features some pretty good wrestling between the Hart Foundation and the Rougeaus. Lots of quick exchanges and reversals, some great power moves. The match is the best 2 out of 3, so they get the first pin out of the way pretty quickly. It’s the old Fabulous Crotch Sniff right into the face of the Hitman for the pin.

Fall two has the crotch-inhaled Hitman starting in the ring, so he’s pretty tired and gets beaten up for awhile. I have to hand it to the Rougeaus. I don’t really find them all that interesting, but they’re pretty decent wrestlers and they keep the match going at a good pace. To keep the Hitman’s spirits up, Hacksaw starts a “USA” chant. Jesse remarks (correctly) “I don’t understand it, why are they chanting USA when the Hitman comes from Calgary, Canada”.

Anyway, eventually Hart makes the tag to Hacksuck and Hacksuck is just fucking terrible. Just non stop punches and “hos”. Some moves occur and they get the pin and it’s tied at one fall apiece. On to the third fall.

Hacksuck starts this one off and Dino Bravo gets the upper hand. As is eternally the case when Hacksuck is being beaten, my erection could hammer the face off a sparrow. The Rougeaus get into the action with some more weird, odd crotch stuff. I think they have a fetish

I cannot think of one possible reason this gif would require any context

Hacksuck gets a chance to nail Dino Bravo with the 2×4 and he takes it. Hitman gets the pin and this match is over

Overall: You know, Neidhart was barely in this match. I wonder if he was injured?

2. Super Pose Down: Rick Rude vs. Ultimate Warrior

This is exactly what it sounds like. A pose down (a super one, no less) between Ultimate Warrior and Rick Rude. Was this really the best way to use two of your top stars?

3. Woman’s Championship Match: Rockin Robin vs. Judy Martin

Holy shit! It’s Rockin’ Robin! I just looked her up on Wikipedia, she’s Sam Houston’s Sister.

Hey everyone, I was actually in this Wrestlemania! — This fucking guy

HA HAHA HAHA HAAH AAHHA HA HA HA HA HA.

Oh man. They are just burning up the WWE. HA!

Overall: I don’t typically watch women’s matches. This one was no exception.

4. King Haku vs. Harley Race

Wow. I could not be less interested in a match than this one. Let’s just get this over with. This has to be a quick match, Harley Race was 46 at this point.

Not much to say about this match, except when Haku performs a suplex on Race and Jesse remarks “That was a textbook Suplex”. I was going to make a joke about that – after all, who would be so crazy as to write an entire fucking book about one move and… oh, never mind. Carry on with your fancy pants, liberal, book-learning suplexes.

This match is ponderous and slow. Harley Race moves exactly as quickly as a 46 year old man, and Haku is not that talented. Haku wins with a textbook reverse thrust kick and gets the win

Overall: This wasn’t a retirement match, so I may have to see either of these idiots in future PPV’s. So 0 / 10

5. The Royal Rumble!

The first 10 minutes: 1. Axe / 2. Smash / 3. Andre The Giant / 4. Mr Perfect / 5. Rugged Ronnie Garvin / 6. Greg Valentine

This starts off with both Axe and Smash in the ring and they actually start fighting! What a great little bit this was by the WWE. They didn’t even pull any of their punches and while neither had the upper hand it was fun to see the tag champs not mailing it and putting on a show for fans. Andre comes in next which is a great choice to not be overwhelmed by Demolition. Mr Perfect gets added to the mix doing what he does best and slowly walks to the ring and Andre uses the confusion to surprisingly eliminate Smash.

In comes Rugged Ronnie Garvin!

Next up is Greg Valentine who, unlike Mr. Perfect, puts a little jog into his ring approach. They all gang up on the Giant as expected and so far this is pretty dull – just a bunch of guys trying to get the Giant out any way they can. Garvin is eliminated abruptly by Andre via a hip toss.

Minutes 10 – 20: 7. Jake the Snake / 8. Ron Bass / 9. Shawn Michaels / 10. One of the Fucking Bushwhackers (Butch maybe?)/ 11. Honky Tonk Man

Jake comes out and goes right after Andre. Way to pick a fight with the biggest guy in the WWE you dummy. (Apparently Jake Roberts Snake Damian attacked Andre or something during one of the Saturday Night Main Events) Andre diverts all his energy and squashing Roberts puts him out just as Ron Bass is coming in – and the crowd goes silent. The action grinds to a halt with a bunch of rest moves. Mr. Perfect eliminates Axe and nearly eliminates Shawn Michaels.

Ah Jesus. It’s the Bushwhackers. It’s like two Hacksaw Jim Duggans. Just 2 stupid morons who can’t wrestle but man do they pump up the crowd.

Jake grabs Damien and Andre bails over the top rope. Good way and probably the only way to get rid of him. Honky is in the ring next and nothing exciting happens as nothing ever exciting happens when the Honky Tonk Man is involved

Minutes 20 – 30: 12. Tito Santana / 13. Bad News Brown / 14. Marty Jannetty / 15. Macho Man / 16. Arn Anderson

In comes Tito and he goes right after Mr. Perfect for a nice pop. More wrestling happens until Bad News comes out. Honky gets tossed by One of the Fucking Bushwhackers. Marty Jannetty is next and him and Shawn Michaels team up on Ron Bass to eliminate him. Tito hits Valentine with a beautiful flying forearm and yes, I will continue to screen cap every single instance of a Tito Santana Flying Forearm because it is a thing of beauty and sooo much better than the Superman punch of Roman Reigns.

Macho is out next, the crowd loses their minds and he attacks Bad News Brown. I don’t know why they’re feuding. Arn Anderson comes in and at the same time, Macho eliminates Valentine. Next up, Macho and Arn Anderson (which is an odd combination) eliminate Shawn Michaels.

Minutes 30 – 40: 17. Tully Blanchard / 18. Hulk Hogan / 19. The Other Goddamn Bushwhacker

As Tully Blanchard is running in, One of the Fucking Bushwhackers runs around the ring like an idiot for 20 seconds

We trimmed about 7 extra bushwhacking seconds off this clip — I trimmed about 7 extra bushwhacking seconds off this clip

Marty Jannetty gets eliminated just as Hogan runs in. Hogan gives a quick elimination to Mr. Perfect and somewhere off camera, Tito Santa is eliminated. Next comes the Other Goddamn Bushwhacker just in time as One of the Fucking Bushwhackers gets eliminated.

Hogan and Macho Man do some nice Mega Power team work to beat down Bad News Brown until everyone else in the ring notices and decides they want to all gain up on the Mega Powers.

Minutes 40 – end: 20. Koko B. Ware / 21. Warlord / 22. The Big Boss Man / 23. Akeem / 24. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake

Koko B. Ware makes his way into the ring and immediately throws a bunch of drop kicks. While this is going on Hogan comes over, does a quick eye rake – immediately blinding Koko and then eliminates him. Hogan isn’t finished yet and eliminates the other bushwacker. He’s on fire and and eliminates Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson as the Warlord makes his way into the ring. Hogan Clotheslines him right back out and we have ourselves another elimination. Man that was great. But the next big surprise is Hogan eliminating Savage and Bad News Brown who were battling it out in the corner – resulting in the beginning of the end for the Mega Powers.

Pictured: A calm, even headed discussion between two rational men

Bossman shows up having just downed what seems like an extra 30 pounds of pies before the rumble and him and Hogan start going at it. Hogan manages to slam him before Bossman recovers, drops a piledriver and a slam of his own. Wow did Boss man really just try and spit at Hogan – I really need to read up on this feud.

So the next part of this rumble really is just focusing on Hogan getting beat down by Bossman and Akeem who actually defy the odds and eliminate Hogan. Now we can finally focus on everything else going on in the ring. Hogan takes issue with this and gets back on the apron and manages to pull Bossman over the top rope eliminating him as well. They take it back to the showers to finish each other off (as Superstar Billy Graham likes to say).

Minutes 50-60: 25. Red Rooster / 26. Barbarian / 27. Big John Studd / 28. Hercules / 29. Rick Martel / 30. Ted Dibiase

So the focus now is apparently to get Akeem out and that’s a solid strategy. The Red Rooster, Beefcake and the Barbarian and finally Big John Studd all take their turns and we are almost through all the entrants. The action splits off a bit with Beefcake going at it with the Barbarian and Rooster taking on Big John. Hercules joins in on the action and doesn’t do much as does Rick Martel until finally Ted Dibiase (who apparently rigged the draw) comes in as the last entrant. Hercules immediately goes after him like a fat kid and sonic burgers and beats him up with series of clotheslines. While this is all going on the Red Rooster is eliminated and I have no idea how he managed to stay in the Rumble (let alone the WWF) for this long.

Something, something brand synergy?

Brutus stupidly puts a sleeper hold on Hercules and Barbarian dumps them both over the side. He then goes after Martel who manages to fight him off and drop kick him over the top. We’re down to the final four – Martel, Akeem, Studd and Dibiase.

Akeem gets rid of Martel pretty quickly and then him and Akeem go to work on Studd. It’s a pretty great sequence to end the match, Studd ends up getting a surprise elimination on Akeem and then plays with Dibiase for awhile. He gets on a few great power moves and throws out Dibiase like old trash. Studd wins the Royal Rumble, presumably as a thank you for a great career.

That’s another one in the bag folks!

Survivor Series ’88

June 10, 2015January 1, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

Survivor Match #1: Ultimate Warrior, Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, Sam Houston, The Blue Blazer, Jim Brunzell vs. Honky Tonk Man, Danny Davis, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, “Outlaw” Ron Bass, Bad News Brown

Immediately, I’m surprised at one thing in this match, namely that Sam Houston is still around. How was he in this many Pay Per Views? Did he work for nickles? This whole grouping is pretty strange; lets see what he can do with it.

The match kicks off with Valentine against Beefcake. This is fantastic! I don’t think I’ve ever seen them wrestle before. Sadly, neither of them are really that dynamic and they just exchange some blows before tagging out. Danny Davis comes in, another guy I’m stunned got in this many PPVs. His kicks land with all the gentle force of a history major complaining about the job market. He is eliminated in no time flat. Like in literal seconds by the worst sleeper of all time.

Blue Blazer kicks off the next round, which is kind of melancholy. Owen Hart was awesome. Another series of tags and Gorilla gets the chance to refer to Jim Brunzell as a youngster. Brunzell was 40 when this PPV occurred.

Bad News Brown jumps into the action and hits just about the sloppiest Ghetto Blaster in history. I hate that move. Sam Houston runs in and Bad News just beats the ever-loving piss out of him for a couple of minutes, to the point where I feel a little bad. Valentine accidentally nails Bad News Brown after a tag, so Bad News says “screw this” and quits. Ron Bass takes over the vicious, never ending beating of Sam Houston.

The only other notable matchup in this one is the Blue Blazer – he has a fantastic, high energy run against Valentine before submitting. The whole thing ends with Warrior going insane against Outlaw and Valentine for the win.

Overall: Except for the Blue Blazer, an uneven start to the event

Survivor Match #2: Demolition, Los Conquistadores, The Brain Busters, The Rougeau Brothers, The Bolsheviks vs. Powers of Pain, The Rockers, The British Bulldogs, The Hart Foundation, The Cock-Hungry Young Stallions

Davey Boy Smith starts off the event doing what he does best – Body Press Slams – this time taking one of the Rougeaus and throwing him into the other. He’s pretty tired from that so quickly tags out to the Heart Break Kid, before he was the Heart Break Kid, Shawn Michaels. He quickly displays some nice athleticism and performs a quick flip off the top turnbuckle in the corner before tagging out to Marty Jannetty.

Marty Jannetty doesn’t really get the praise he truly deserves. This guy was talented and controlled matches really well. In fact at this part of their careers, I would actually prefer to watch him more than Shawn Michaels. He’s quick and explosive like Southern BBQ Chili and at one point does this crazy horizontal spin move that doesn’t even have a name yet – like a sideways corkscrew Gorilla even calls out that he’s literally never seen that move before

Jannetty does get a large amount of ring time in this one whether that was intentional or not but takes his lumps and keeps on going. The action overall in this one is great, quick tags – no submissions hold (at least not early on) and a bunch of classic suplexs, body slams, elbows you name it.

After what seems like forever, Bret Hart is finally tagged in. I’m not quite sure what they were saving him for – maybe they just didn’t want to win? Anyways, Bret comes in and goes to work beating up Jacques Rougeau who tags out to his brother Ramone. Bret wastes no time, goes for a quick rollup and finally we have the first elimination.

Some surprises in the match include the beating that Michaels endured at the hands of Volkoff and Zukoff. Actually what kind of impressed me was Volkoff doing a Body Press Slam of Michaels (didn’t think he could pull that off).

Okay, there is a ton of filler in this match, with not a whole lot of excitement from the wrestlers. Let’s skip ahead.

Bret Hart finally gets back in there and gets to the cusp of eliminating Tony Blanchard (who???) with a nice back suplex bridge pin but Tony get’s his shoulder up at the last second so Bret Hart basically pins himself and really that was the only way he would ever get eliminated in this match.

Eagle eyed readers will remember this exact same move from WM IV with Warrior and Hercules

The Rockers manage to get themselves DQ’d with the Brain Busters (Art Anderson and Tony Blanchard) when after executing an awesome double sweet chin music, the fatal 4 way that ensues is enough for the ref to toss both teams. So down to 4 teams now and Davey Boy Smith does another crazy/strange move by jumping on the back of Smash and putting on a move known as a crucifix – simulating how a wrestler sometimes gets tied up on the top rope – anyways it’s weird and makes me uncomfortable.

Somehow after 35 minutes of this match still going on, Davey Boy Smith still has enough strength to pull off another Body Press Slam of the conquistadors (no idea which is which). Alright this is taking way too long to review so let’s wrap this one up. Dynamite kid gets pinned after missing a headbutt from the top rope and Mr. Fuji turns on his own team when he pulls the rope down as Smash is running towards it leading to him falling to the outside. Mr. Fuji then hits Axe a few times with his cane for dramatic effect and essentially tells them see ya all while Demolition is getting counted out.

With them eliminated, he switches over to manage the Powers of Pain in a weird and wonderful twist of events and helps them win by tripping up one of the Conquistadors as he’s running off the ropes leading to an easy pin.

Overall: Long and fairly boring

Survivor Match #3: Jake “The Snake” Roberts, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Ken Patera, “El Matador” Tito Santana, Scott Casey vs. Andre The Giant, Dino Bravo, “The King” Harley Race, Mr. Perfect, Ravishing Rick Rude

Tito Santana is announced as El Matador, which is essentially like taking a Canadian and calling him “The Hockey Player”.

I’m pretty pumped that Mr. Perfect has finally made an appearance in these PPV’s, but I’m confused when they announce Scott Casey, because who the frig is Scott Casey?

Interestingly, he was a last minute fill for an injured B. Brian Blair. This was his only PPV. I’m going to bet he does spectacular and isn’t immediately eliminated. Let’s see what happens – on to the match.

It’s great to see Tito and Perfect square off. Tito is no longer part of Strike Force, but he still is wrestling with a miniature red “Strike Force” logo on his tights. Awww… Tito can’t get over the breakup. That’s touching.

Next group has Harley Race comes out to fight Casey whoever. Jesus. We need something to happen, this is pretty dull so far. Aw fuck, they tagged in Hacksuck. Well he’s brutal. Tito hits Rude with the flying forearm and Rude kicks out. That’s never a good sign for a wrestlers career when their finisher becomes a mere power move.

We’re like 10 minutes in with no pin so far. Rude and Patera go at it for a bit and Rude hits a rude awakening out of nowhere. I just realized the Rude Awakening was essentially the precursor to the RKO.

I can't tell the difference between Ken Patera and the Greatest American Hero. Maybe that's the point — I also just realized that Ken Patera looks like the Greatest American Hero.

Hacksuck comes out again and is terrible again. Life starts to look up as he starts to get beaten on and my erection could break concrete. Tito tags in and brings the quality of the match up like 10 notches. He starts wrestling through Dino Bravo and Harley Race. Tito hits him with the greatest move of all time, the flying forearm and gets the pin.

Interesting that I love this move, but hate the superman punch

Next up is Andre / Tito. This is a great pairing that I can’t ever recall seeing before. Andre and Tito square off with expected results

Andre, showing off the technical, in-ring elegance he's known for — Andre, showing off the technical, in-ring elegance he’s known for

Not surprisingly, Andre gets the pin pretty quickly and now it’s 4 on 2. There’s some quick excitement when Jake and Hacksuck get Andre off his feet, but the match quickly moves to the endless beating of Jake

Hacksuck eventually gets in, the crowd erupts, but this has to be close to the end of the match. Hacksuck doesn’t have the talent or stamina for long matches. And, yep. He grabs the 2 by 4 and gets disqualified. So now it’s just Jake against 4 guys.

This really starts to drag now. It’s Jake just wrestling extremely cautious as Dino, Perfect and Rude tag in and out. Eventually Rude gets the upper hand and it looks like curtains for Jake. As Rude is sex-dancing over his fallen body (which is an odd sentence to type), Jake pulls his pants down (sure) and slaps on the DDT and gets the pin.

Next out comes Andre who proceeds to choke Jake to unconsciousness. He doesn’t break for the five count, so he gets disqualified. Mr. Perfect immediately gets the pin. Why even have Andre get disqualified then? Why not just have him win?

Overall: Weird finish, but not a bad match

Survivor Match #4: Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Koko B. Ware, Hercules, Hillbilly Jim vs. Big Boss Man, Akeem, Ted Dibiase, King Haku, The Red Rooster

Alright with that out of the way, the final Match of the PPV seems a little one sided with Hogan and Savage vs basically everyone else that is just filler.

Macho Man starts the match off against Dibiase in what feels like a bit of a rematch of their final tournament match a few PPVs ago. I never really did like these two squaring off as I feel like they never really get into a good flow. There is one move where both guys do an Irish Whip reversal on each other and it’s just plain sloppy which helps to solidify my point. Thankfully after a nice clothesline from Macho Man he heads over to the corner to tag in Hercules who apparently had some really bad beef with Dibiase at this time. Unfortunately the build up to this isn’t realized yet as Dibiase quickly gets out of there and tags in the Red Rooster. Who came up with that stupid name?

They didn't want to infringe on the Gay, Flying Chicken — Maybe they didn’t want to infringe on the Yellow, Flying Chicken?

Speaking of the Red Rooster, much like the Red Shirt guys in Star Trek he’s the first one marked for elimination and I must say I actually enjoyed it. Koko B Ware was working over Red Rooster when he tags in Hogan who body slams him, then tags out to Macho Man who goes up to the top rope and lands a flying elbow smash – easy pin and he’s outta there. The entire team Mega Powers gets into the ring and starts celebrating like it’s over while the other guys try and regroup.

King Haku who obviously beat the crap outta Harley Race and stole his crown faces off against Hogan and to his credit holds his own in there by knocking Hogan down with a nice dropkick. They go back and forth a bit without much really happening. Eventually Akeen gets in and quite easily eliminates Hillbilly Jim and no one really cares. Koko B Ware jumps in and between him, Hogan, Macho Man and Hercules everyone gets a turn beating down Akeen. Akeen finally gets outta there and tags in Big Boss Man who does his own version of a Rock Bottom on Koko B Ware which leads to his (and his WWF tights) elimination.

The next part of the match I probably enjoyed more than I should as Hogan took on Boss Man and managed to pull off an Atomic Drop and Body Slam – something you didn’t see too often on Boss Man. Boss Man does recover from both and catches Hogan running towards him and does this modified Power Slam to Hogan. (Essentially he just caught him, flipped him and sat down). Hogan gets beat on a bit and at one point Boss Man has him leaning on the second rope. He goes to the other rope and holy shit we’re gonna see a 619 from the Big Boss Man… this is AWESOME!

So Boss Man actually chickened out at the last minute and just jumped on his back – wasted opportunity if you tell me. No elimination here so we move forward to Hercules finally getting another shot at Dibiase. Hercules as expected controls most of this matchup getting his much needed ‘revenge’ on Dibiase for being his slave or something and apparently according to Monsoon he is having a lot of fun. Naturally Virgil gets involved and trips up Hercules when he’s bouncing off the ropes and as Hercules turns to put his hands on him, Dibiase comes from behind, rolls him up and gets the elimination.

Hercules leaves the ring but goes right after Virgil and everyone on Team Dibiase is now just watching this in awe, Dibiase still in the ring looking over at Virgil getting beat down by Hercules when Macho Man slips in and rolls him up the very same way that Dibiase rolled up Hercules and Dibiase is eliminated.

Down to the Mega Powers and Big Boss Man, Akeen and King Haku. Haku gets in the ring against Hogan and puts on a modified version of the Vulcan death grip to essentially put Hogan down on the mat. Now as past reviews have told you – YOU NEVER PUT HOGAN IN A CHOKE HOLD. Hogan starts to hulk up a bit but not enough to actually run wild on him, but enough to get out of the hold. Boss Man comes in and goes to work on Hogan, manages to get him down on the mat and goes up to the top rope again. I seriously do not know why he keeps trying this move, I have never seen it executed correctly once. Of course he misses and Hogan tags in Savage.

This is where the match gets really entertaining, for some reason the Slickster goes over and grabs Elizabeth to essentially take her against her will and Hogan goes to her defense. Big Boss Man comes out to take on Hogan with Haku and they manage to handcuff him to the bottom rope and then proceed to beat him down with a night stick – the whole time he is doing this he is being counted and that results in a count out for Big Boss Man and he’s eliminated. Akeen is in the ring now with Macho Man and Big Boss Man, comes back in and beats Macho Man with the night stick resulting in a DQ on Akeen. So we are down to just King Haku vs the Mega Powers.

Still with me? Haku and Savage are going at it and the Slickster manages to get involved again holding Savage against the ropes. Haku comes in with a big kick and Savage moves out of the way and clocks the Slickster. Heenan comes to the aid of Slickster and Hogan manages to knock him down with a big boot. Elizabeth seeing both guys out cold proceeds to fumble through the pockets of the Slickster and find those handcuff keys. She unlocks Hogan and puts the handcuffs in her purse for use later in the post celebration activities.

Savage, exhausted now tags in a fresh(er) Hogan who just lays out Haku quite easily. Off the ropes, does his big leg drop and ladies and gentlemen this one is over as Hogan eliminates Haku for the overall win.

Overall: I really enjoyed this one

Wrestlemania IV

May 26, 2015January 28, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

Before I start the review for this one, just a quick note about the format. They are doing some kind of elimination tournament for the WWE Heavyweight Belt. I think this has something to do with Hogan dropping the belt under suspicious circumstances to Andre? I don’t quite remember. I think it happened during a King of the Ring.

Either way, this is like a 16 man mini survivor bracket where if you win your match you go on to the next round.

1. Battle Royal Invitational

Right off the top, I’m pretty excited for Wrestlemania IV because I’m pretty sure there is no Junkyard Dog or Hacksaw Jim Duggan at all. But wait! Who is that in the background of this Battle Royal Invitational?

Briefly, here’s the rundown of who is in this one: Hart Foundation, The Cock Hungry Young Stallions, Seka, Dangerous Danny Davis, The Killer Bees, Bad News Brown, Sam Houston (!), The Rougeaus, Ken Patera, Outlaw Ron Bass, Junkyard Dog, The Bolsheviks, Hillbilly Jim, King Harley Race and George Steele.

So to summarize, they have taken all of my least favorite wrestlers and thrown them in the ring with the Hart Foundation.

Even Bret Hart can't believe this shit — Even Bret Hart can’t believe this shit

Bob Euker is guest commentating with Jesse and Gorilla. The match is so dull that they spend 2 minutes talking about Vanna White. The eliminations happen really quickly over about 7 minutes to get to the final three – Bret Hart, JYD and Bad News Brown. Oh shit, I think JYD might win this. Probably as sort of a “thanks for a career, here’s your stupid WM win” kind of thing. Sort of like Scorsese and the Departed.

Wait! JYD is eliminated! This is great! He didn’t get jack shit. Sort of like Scorsese and Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas! The match ends when Bad News Brown throws out Hitman pretty easily. As Brown is grabbing his trophy, Hitman drop kicks him out of the ring and I think Bret Hart is a good guy now.

Overall: Ultimately, Scorsese was robbed a bunch of times.

2. Round 1 Elimination Match: Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase

Well this should be something. I don’t love Dibiase that much, but he’s at least a very talented, technical wrestler. Hacksuck Shit Fuckhead is barely one step above a 10 year old wrestling his stuffed animals. The match starts with some shitty moves because Hacksuck is shitty. Dibiase keeps trying to wrestle and Hacksuck just keeps punching him in the face. Which I guess is a pretty good strategy.

Eventually, Dibiase gets the upper hand and I – as always, when Hacksuck is being assaulted – am fully, rigidly erect. I violently masturbate as the beating continues.

Andre ends up interfering and Dibiase gets the pin. I ruin my pants.

Overall: Literally the best match I’ve ever seen because Hacksuck lost. 100/100

3. Round 1 Elimination Match: Dino Bravo vs. The (other) Rock Don Moraco

Did I just hate every wrestler in the WWE stable in 1988? I can’t imagine enjoying this match. Honestly, I don’t remember any of this. I’m not even sure I’ve actually watched WM IV before.

Right off the top, this is a really clumsy match. Moraco might be a terrible wrestler. They’re both about a second off of their moves.

He drops like he's a soccer player — He drops like he’s a soccer player

Neither of them move very well and the action goes back and forth until they hit the sweet, sweet double clothesline. I can never stay mad at any match that features that move. Eventually Moraco accidentally hits the ref who for some reason disqualifies ….Dino Bravo? It makes no sense. That’s like a bunch of Saudi Arabians attacking your country so you launch a decade-long war on Iraq.

Overall: That ref was the Decider. 10 points for the double clothsline

4. Round 1 Elimination Match: Ricky Steamboat vs. Greg Valentine

Finally! Wrestlers I like. I will actually pay attention to this one and try not to make jokes. The action starts off pretty standard for Steamboat. Deep arm drag takedowns, that move where he goes over the top rope and then pulls himself up. All pretty standard until he tries to get a pin on Valentine and… completely misses the move.

What the fuck, Wrestlemania IV. Is there something about Trump Plaza that is throwing off the timing of your moves?

In all fairness, this picture legally counts as an abortion in 19 states.

Steamboat is a little off his normally perfect game. Valentine basically punches him a bunch of times and then goes for the figure four. Steamboat kicks him away and then they chop each other for awhile. Both Valentine and Steamboat land moves off the top rope, but neither can get the pin.

Eventually Steamboat goes for the High Cross Body off the top rope and he over rotates and ends up underneath Valentine. I feel like Steamboat loses 90% of his matches this way.

This ends with a long, 10 second shot of Donald Trumps horrific, horrible face in the crowd.

Thanks to this picture, I can no longer distinguish right from wrong — Even in 1988 his hair looked like he had a ferret on his head

Overall: Donald Trump should classify his face as a bio-hazard

5. Round 1 Elimination Match: Macho Man Randy Savage vs. The Natural Butch Reed

This one starts off with Elizabeth being the hottest thing of all time. I have no greater context for that statement, just… she’s super.

For anyone keeping track, here is how Butch Reed is doing so far in the PPV’s since he showed up.

1. Eliminated really quickly in the ’88 Royal Rumble

2. Eliminated by Hogan very quickly in the first Survivor Series

3. Beats Koko B Ware in WM III which is as impressive as beating Koko B Ware in WM III.

So far a pretty underwhelming start for Butch Reed, especially for a guy who was rumored to be on his way to winning the intercontinental belt. According to Wikipedia: Reed no-showed a set of TV tapings where he was booked to win the title, resulting in the championship instead being put on The Honky Tonk Man. However, in a shoot interview, Reed has said this is untrue. In fact, when the Honky Tonk Man won the title from Steamboat in June 1987, Reed was shown celebrating with Honky and other heel wrestlers in the locker room although, in fairness, that was a taped segment

Anyway, Butch Reed beats up Macho for awhile before Macho slams him off the top rope and nails him with the flying elbow. A pretty quick, easy match. Butch is not on a roll

Overall: Would Butch Reed have had more or less success if he was “The Unnatural Butch Reed”? Discuss.

6. Round 1 Elimination Match: Bam Bam Bigalow Vs. One Man Gang

Thanks to Survivor Series ’87 and Bam Bam’s great performance, I’m really excited to see this match. I can’t wait to see how this plays out.

< five minutes later >

What the hell was that miserable piece of shit? Honestly, what on earth was that garbage supposed to be? I’m so disgusted that I’m not even going to review the match

Shitty wrestling, cartwheels outta nowhere... it's that kind of Wrestlemania — Shitty wrestling, cartwheels outta nowhere… it’s that kind of Wrestlemania

Overall: Leave me. I’m upset

6.5 Hogan Promo

There’s a break in the action for an entertaining promo with Hogan. While being interviewed backstage he effectively tells everyone that Andre is so big that when he falls it will crack the fault line of the East Coast and everyone will fall in and probably die a horrible death. For those that are lucky enough, the Hulkster will take you on his back and dog paddle you to safety

Say your prayers, do your coke.... er, eat your vitamins — Say your prayers, do your coke…. er, eat your vitamins

I guess you had to see it.

7. Round 1 Elimination Match: Ravishing Rick Rude vs. Jake The Snake Roberts

Okay, so this should be a good one, right? Jake Roberts and Rick Rude look like a before / after fitness program picture.

The match starts off with an exchange of body slams before moving into what feels like 19 minutes of arm bars by Jake Roberts. Eventually Rick Rude goes on the offense and the match heats up a little…. until he goes for the 6 minute headlock and the pace comes right back to a screaming halt.

Well this whole thing is as dull as dishwater. My new prediction is they’re going to get to the 15 minute time limit and both get eliminated. And they are going to make us feel every second of the entire tedious, dull 15 minutes.

The crowd starts to agree with me and the chant of “boring” starts up. For those counting, we’ve had about 2 minutes of arm bars, 7 minutes of headlocks and about 2 minutes of actual wrestling. Jake eventually goes on the offensive, pulls of his short clothsline, goes for the DDT but can’t nail it.

And yep, they hit the 15 minute mark and both get eliminated.

Overall: I didn’t think it was possible, but this might be worse than Wrestlemania II

8. Ultimate Warrior vs. Hercules Hernandez

Before this match even starts, I’m going to predict that Hercules is beaten quickly put the Warrior over

The Warrior not being one of the 12 labors

And…. I was wrong. It’s an actual match, albeit a fairly crappy one. It ends when Warrior falls on top of Hercules and both of them are kind of in the pin position and the ref does the three count. Herc thinks he’s one, but it turns out he’s pinned himself by accident and the winner is Warrior.

“Sure, why not” – drunken head writers for the WWE

Overall: For anyone counting (me I guess), that’s now 4 matches in this event where the ending has been a variation on “Oh guy thinks he won it but OH NO HE DIDN’T HA HA”

9. Round 2 Elimination Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant

Here we go, Wrestlemania III all over again. We’re up to the third PPV that has milked this feud, that’s some impressive traction.

Andre attacks Hogan immediately, which is a great strategy. You know what else is a great strategy against Hogan? Don’t put him in a choke hold. How do his opponents not know this? If you’re managed by Bobby The Brain Heenan, you’ve got to know this, right? How would the planning for a match against Hogan work?

Andre: So my plan is to use my giant fists and punch Hogan a lot, like punch him tons, right in his dumb face.

Brain: Good, good. That’s all good. What else?

Andre: Okay, well then I’m going to headbutt him and maybe even step on him.

Brain: That’s great stuff. How are you going to put him away?

Andre: I’m going to slap on a choke hold and then when he –

Brain: Okay, stop. I’m going to stop you right there.

Andre: Huh?

Brain: Listen to me. Don’t slap a choke hold on Hogan.

Andre: Like do it after more punching?

Brain: No.

Andre: … then I should do it sooner?

Brain: No, you’re not getting this. Do not, under any circumstances, put a choke hold on Hogan.

Andre: Why.. why not?

Brain: He’ll Hulk out. He always Hulks out. The choke hold makes him hulk right the fuck out. Don’t do it. It’s right there in his name. Hulk Hogan.

Andre: But

Brain: Stop. No chokes.

Goddamnit Andre — < sigh > Goddammit Andre

Anyway, Hulk powers out of this choke hold and hulks right the fuck out. Some things happen and Hogan and Andre end up beating each other with a chair, which seems like a pretty reasonable end.

They’re both disqualified and Hogan re-slams Andre for good measure.

Overall: Is this even a legitimate Wrestlemania? This is terrible so far

10. Round 3 Elimination Match: The (Other) Rock Don Moraco vs. Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase

Okay, this one starts off with some pretty good energy with Moraco throwing out some good power moves. They go back and forth for a bit and Diabiase wins clean. It’s a very fast match. I don’t have many jokes, so here is a funny strip from Dinosaur Comics

Overall: I would chew an entire cup filled with glass for just one semi-decent match

11. Round 3 Elimination Match: Randy Macho Man Savage vs. Greg The Hammer Valentine

So before this starts, just an FYI that One Man Gang got a pass through because Hogan and Andre eliminated each other. On with the show. Macho comes out to a huge pop. He was easily as popular as Hogan at this point.

I completely don’t remember this WM, as I’ve mentioned a few times, but here’s my prediction. Macho is going to win this match, but Valentine will slap on the figure four at some point so Macho has a bad knee for the last match. He’ll face off against Dibiase in the final round to win the title. Let’s see what happens

Valentine gets the upper hand pretty quickly and beats up Macho for a bit. Macho tries to show some offense but it doesn’t really take. The beating continues and Valentine goes for the figure four. Ha, I told you that was going to happen and –

“not so goddamn fast” says Macho via the caption above. He nails the small package for the three count. Macho moves onto the next round with no knee problems

Overall: Pretty decent match, if one sided

12. Intercontinental Match: Honky Tonk Man vs. Brutus The Barber Beefcake

Honky Tonk comes down to the ring with “Peggy Sue” who I’m pretty sure is Sherri Martel. And credit where credit is due, she’s not a bad dancer. Beefcake comes out to no music and a mediocre response.

The match starts off with a lot of posturing from Beefcake and playing up for the crowd. The crowd barely, barely cares because Beefcake has all the in-ring charisma of Sam Houston

Here’s something more interesting than this match. I just learned that Sam Houston is Jake Roberts’ younger brother. Another interesting fact – Scary Sherri was trained by Donna Christanello (remember her from the ’87 Survivor Series?).

Anyway, this match – and time – continue to progress. Eventually Brutus gets Honky in the sleeper but Jimmy Hart clocks the ref with the megaphone to get the disqualification

Overall: I feel like I’ve been watching this dumb event for 3 lifetimes

13. The Islanders with Bobby Heenan vs. The British Bulldogs with Koko B Ware

Oh my god. Oh my god. How fucking long is this stupid Wrestlemania. Why are we having a tag match? Please just let this end. I can’t keep doing this.

The match is a pretty decent affair as the Bulldogs always keep the energy high. For some reason the DVD I’m watching is blurring out the back of Koko’s tights so I focus all my energy in trying to figure out what’s written on them.

Sadly, I am never able to figure out the mystery. Eventually Heenan pins Koko (honestly, doesn’t matter how) and the Islanders take the win

Overall: The match ended which makes is a 10 in my book

14. Round 3 Elimination Match: Macho Man Randy Savage vs. One Man Gang

Alright, so Savage comes out for the third time tonight to take on the One Man Gang. After this one, the winner is going to take on Dibiase.

It’s no exaggeration to say Macho Man is single-handedly carrying this Wrestlemania by himself. Aside from the odd one off match, this whole event has been a real Wrestlemania II.

One Man Gang mostly dominates this match, punctuated by small periods of offense from Macho Man. The pace is interrupted when Slick threatens to slap Miss Elizabeth because late 80’s wrestling was just a different time.

The match ends with One Man Gang beating Macho Man with a cane, so Macho gets the win by disqualification

Overall: Fine

15. Tag Team Title Match: Strike Force Vs. Demolition

To give Macho Man time to rest, they stick a Tag Match in. Demolition comes into the ring, but not to their classic entrance theme: “Here comes the Ax, here comes the Smasher, the Demolition, walking disaster”. Just some generic crud.

Interestingly, Demolition is getting some cheers throughout this match. Jesse and Gorilla get in a fairly heated argument about a double team from Strike Force with Jesse eventually commenting that the night has been too long to keep arguing.

The match goes back and forth, with Smash eventually using Mr. Fuji’s cane on Rick Martel. Ax gets the pin and we have new Tag Team Champions. The win gets a fairly huge cheer from the crowd, but it could also be Stockholm Syndrome kicking in

Overall: One more. I can do this

16. Fucking finally the last fucking match. Macho Man vs. Dibiase

I don’t give a shit. Hogan interferes, Macho Wins the belt. Fine.

Overall: I’m going to bed. This was the worst Wrestlemania ever

Royal Rumble ’88

May 19, 2015January 28, 2016Michael James1 Comment

1. Ravishing Rick Rude vs. Ricky The Dragon Steamboat

Alright, here we go with the first Royal Rumble! Starting off the action is Steamboat vs. Rude in what is billed as a grudge match. I’m not at all clear why they have a grudge – maybe something to do with the unsatisfied ghost of a murdered child at the hands of the Rude Awakening?

I'm pretty sure Rick Rude is in this movie — I’m pretty sure Rick Rude is in this movie

We start off with a test of strength. Yes! Why is this the first time we’re seeing this in any PPV? This should be a staple of every match, used as frequently as a headlock. Steamboat eventually powers out of it and does some crazy move that I can’t explain but it’s fantastic.

Something something weird takedown Steamboat is awesome

Steamboat keeps the match going with some arm stuff. At one point Jesse advocates for the ole “thumb in the eye”, to which Vince McMahon responds “Jesse come on, we have youngsters watching this program”.

I'm just going to leave this here — I’m just going to leave this here

The action continues back and forth and I’m losing interest in the match. I may not have the patience for the longer fights. At around the 18 minute mark, they kick it up a notch by going for 8 pins in a row. Eventually the match comes to kind of a strange end – Steamboat goes for the flying body press off the top ropes, but Rude pulls the ref in the way. As Steamboat is checking on the ref, Rude slaps on some submission hold and Steamboat… submits? Rude starts celebrating and leaves the ring. But surprise, it turns out Steamboat won by disqualification.

What an odd end.

Overall: Great kick off to the event, Steamboat. You’re the best! The match was too long

2. Dino Bravo vs. a 700-pound bench press

Wow, I totally forgot about this. Dino Bravo, in an effort to establish himself as the strongest man in wrestling, decides to bench 700 pounds with the help of Jesse Ventura.

As they are introducing the match, Bravo’s manager “Frenchie Martin” provides some mic work for Mean Gene – in french. Just an FYI, this match takes place in Hamilton, Ontario. For people unfamiliar with Canada, speaking French in Hamilton would be like speaking Hindi in Mississippi. It… doesn’t go over well

Anyway, Dino does a bunch of bench pressing. It’s actually pretty impressive. All I remembered about this was him barely doing 700. I completely forgot where he did 4 sets of 400 – 600 pounds, pretty effortlessly.

3. The Glamour Girls vs. The Jumping Bomb Angels

Didn’t I already watch this match during the Survivor Series? Why look at that, I sure did!

The most fantastic part of this match is Jesse and McMahon openly admitting they have no idea what the names of the individual bomb angels are. McMahon admits he “doesn’t speak Japanese” and kind of verbally shrugs “well what are you going to do” before starting to call them “pink” and “red” after the colors of their tights.

Orndorff, pictured here in a rare instance of racial insensitivity in the WWE — Paul Orndorff doesn’t see a problem with this

Their names are Noriyo Tateno and Itsuki Yamazaki.

Overall: I’m not watching this twice!

4. The Royal Rumble

The first 10 minutes: 1. Bret Hart / 2. Tito Santana / 3. Butch Reed / 4. Jim Neidhart / 5. Jake Roberts / 6. Harley Race / 7. Jumping Jim Brunzel / 8. Sam Houston

The WWE was finding their footing with this first Royal Rumble. It takes a while to get going as McMahon is explaining all the rules and stipulations of the match, it drags on so long that they camera guy actually zooms in on a kid who gives a “I can’t hear what the fuck is going on, what the hell is taking so long, let’s get this started” kind of look. When it does finally get going, we have Bret and Tito starting off in the ring together, as opposed to the more familiar method of coming in one at a time. Bret gets some decent cheers from the local Canadian crowd in Hamilton while him and Tito keep the action level high. Let me clarify though, there is very little wrestling moves going on at this time, mainly punches, leg stomps and moving around the ring to get a feel for each other – obviously. Hart manages to find the top rope and drop an Elbow on Tito to get things rolling when all of a sudden….

Butch Reed draws the #3 spot and comes in to a tepid reaction. The extent of this interaction between Hart, Tito and Butch consists of Reed working over Santana while Hart looks for his contact lens on the mat. Reed manages to get Santana over to the ropes and Bret Hart decides that he’ll just wrestle the match with one good eye and tries to help. Santana of course counters and smashes the skulls of Reed and Hart together. As the action continues, Jesse Ventura tries to do his standard shtick with McMahon that he used to do with Gorilla where he would chastise Gorilla for opening calling the match more favorably for the “face”. McMahon is having none of it and essentially ignores every time Jesse tries to get into that interplay. As an example:

Jesse: You know, I like this, because this allows for double teaming, and you can’t complain about it.

Vince: . Look at this… there’s a double team effort!

Jesse: And it’s legal!

Vince: ..yes.

Jesse: And you can’t complain!

Vince: Santana might be complaining now!

Butch Reed has ruined so many relationships

Neidhart comes to the ring next and now it’s a triple-team against Tito. It looks like it’s all over when Jake the Snake comes out, quickly eliminates Butch Reed (who sucks) and beats up the Hart Foundation. The elimination itself was poor, just a flip over the top rope, almost like Reed made his $50 and decided to go hit the local bar. The crows loses their collective mind and immediately start asking for the DDT because it’s the greatest finisher in time. They really need to find a better wrestler to get behind, this is worse than the love the current fans give to Bryant, imagine if Hogan learned how to do the DDT – He would have never dropped his belt – ever!

The King Harley Race is next and action slows down because now there is a senior citizen in the ring. They all take it easy, but Roberts takes the brunt of it as apparently Harley Race hates Jake the Snake Roberts more than Damian (his snake). The next two in are Jumping Jim Brunzel of the Killer Bees, followed by… Sam Houston?

Sam Houston: Here's my shtick Mr. McMahon. I'll wear a red bandanna around my neck. In no time, I'll be the next Hulk Hogan! Vince: Fine. I don't care, we just need a body. Try not to die. — Sam Houston: Here’s my shtick Mr. McMahon. I’ll wear a red bandanna around my neck. In no time, I’ll be the next Hulk Hogan!
Vince: Fine. I don’t care, we just need a body. Try not to die.

The Highlight of this matchup so far has to be when Roberts does the devastating “beard pull” on Neihart, which is far better than the DDT he was actually going to do.

Minutes 10 – 20: 9. Danny Davis / 10. Boris Zhukov / 11. Don Moraco / 12. Nikolai Volkhoff / 13. Hacksaw Jim Duggan / 14. Ron Bass

Sam Houston runs in to the collective apathy of 17,000 fans wondering why bass player for Dexy’s Midnight Runners is now a wrestler. As Tito is distracted trying to remember any other song of theirs outside of “Come On Eileen”, the Hart Foundation capitalizes and tosses him over the top.

It's a trick question! They had no other hits and aahhhhhhh! — It’s a trick question! They had no other hits and aahhhhhhh!

Danny Davis is announced next and for some reason a woman in the front row mistakes cheering with having a seizure. So far, this Royal Rumble is chalk full of surprises

This is fantastic! Please get me some phenobarbital!

Boris Zhukov is in next. Don Moraco and Nikolai Volkhoff come out at the same time and Nikolai just… waits outside the ring for his turn to enter. There seems to be no point to this – due perhaps to genuine language and cultural barriers, Nikolai honestly misunderstood the entrance pattern and fucked up.

Somewhere along the way Boris Zhukov and the King Harley Race are both eliminated by the Rock to help thin the crowd in the ring and make room for some more decent stars.

Let’s super quick check in our favorite ringside fan and how she is reacting to the action. She’s yelling obscenities at Harley Race and WWE security is telling her to settle the fuck down. At this point, I’m more entranced by the action outside

Next up is…. ah, Jesus Christ. It’s goddamn Hacksaw. Fine. Let’s just get through this. Maybe the next participant will bring it around and…. nope. Outlaw Ron Bass. Still better than Harley Race and Zukov.

Minutes 21 – 30: / 15. B. Brian Blair / 16. Hillbilly Jim / 17. Dino Bravo / 18. Ultimate Warrior / 19. One Man Gang / 20. Junkyard Dog

Volkvoff eliminates one Killer Bee, only to have another take it’s place as that is the nature of killer bees. Neidhart is then eliminated by Hillbilly Jim as that is the nature of Hillbillies. Sam Houston demonstrates his in-ring savvy by getting up on Ron Bass’s shoulders for a quick ride. The safest place to be in a Royal Rumble is precariously perched atop another man. He is tossed out, absurd bandanna and all, by Hacksaw.

Look at me Vince! I'm a complete moron! — Look at me Vince! I’m a complete moron!

Dino Bravo runs in, followed by… the Ultimate Warrior? I’m surprised, I thought he didn’t pop up until later. During the mayhem, Bret Hart is unceremoniously eliminated by Don Moraco. He lasted 25 minutes, a record that would stand until the next Royal Rumble in 1989. Great work Bret!

The last two in the ring are One Man Gang and Junkyard Dog. All the participants are in and we’re down to the end of the match. One has to wonder how Danny Davis is still in this matchup and why they didn’t push Bret to go down to one of the last 4 or 5. I guess they gave him enough of a push to get him away from just a tag run but not enough of a push to have him be “the man” yet.

Match Close

The next quick round of eliminations are B Brian Blair, Jake the Snake, Nikolai Volkvaff, Hillbilly Jim, Danny Davis, Ultimate Warrior, Junkyard Dog and Ron Bass. Nothing notable about any of these eliminations except for the fact that Warrior was tossed so quickly.

The last four in the ring are Moraco, One Man Gang, Dino Bravo and Hacksuck Shit Fuckhead – HOOOOOO. Moraco gets eliminated by One Man Gang, it what was a poor show. He was tossed over and sat on the apron holding the ropes, could have climbed back in but decided that he didn’t want to spend another minute with the One Man Gang and just let go. So now it’s 2 on 1 against Hacksuck. They beat him up for awhile and I am solidly erect through the whole thing. I watch the beating and drink it in like water.

There is a fetish for everything on the internet.

Sadly, the match ends with Hacksuck as the victor and I fear I shall never be aroused again.

Overall: What a fun match and a great PPV. I hate Hacksuck though.