SummerSlam 1993 Recap


1.  Ted Dibiase vs. Razor Ramon


Finally, they’ve officially made Razor Ramon a face.  He brings the crowd to their feet as he saunters to the ring with casual arrogance

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Dibiase on the other hand, looks like he should be starring in a local theater version of “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas”

Ramon controls this match from start to finish.  Dibiase never had a chance.  He’s basically there just to firmly put Ramon over.  He’s almost a jobber.

Dibiase puts on a little bit of offense, but it’s just killing time until Ramon takes over and slaps on the Razor’s Edge.

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The move, not the 1984 Bill Murray film

Overall: Always fun to watch a Razor Ramon match


2. Tag Team Title Match: Heavenly Bodies (Tom Pritchard and Jimmy Del Rey) vs. Steiner Brothers


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It’s great when MacMahon needs to fill a slot and rushes in some nobodies.   The Heavenly Bodies were only in the WWE for about 2 years and were utterly unforgettable.  The Steiner brothers tear them apart for awhile before losing momentum.

Scott Steiner is thrown out of the ring and while the ref is counting angrily at him…

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Get back in here you piece of shit!

.. and one of the Heavenly bodies hits Rick with a tennis racket.  It doesn’t matter though, Rick is like “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” and the Steiners hit the Frankensteiner for the win

Overall: “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” is a comeback that works in 95% of situations


3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Perfect


Well this could be an interesting little match.  These guys are two very technical, very talented guys.  I’m hoping for a good show.

Whenever two guys like this wrestle, it’s all capital-W wrestling.  Lots of quick reversals, fast moves and random backflips off the top rope

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Wheee!

It wouldn’t be a Shawn Michaels match if he didn’t completely over sell every move.  He’s great.  Midway through the match, Michaels starts aggressively going after Mr. Perfects back.  Perfect manages to power through and slaps the Perfect Plex on Michaels.  Diesal interferes and the match ends with a count out of Perfect.  Garbage.  The crowd immediately starts booing.

Overall: Good match, shitty ending


4. IRS vs. 123 Kid


123 Kid makes his PPV debut.  I just realized this is also the first PPV that starred (almost) all the members of The Kliq – Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Razor Ramon and this skinny loser

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Seriously, try to guess which one is the wrestler

123 Kid matches tended to follow a pretty standard template.  The bigger wrestler (everyone) beats Kid like a 6 year old wrestling against a stuffed bear and then the 123 Kid manages to fluke out a win.

Not this time though!

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Apparently a 120 pound weight difference matters

There wasn’t even a finishing move, IRS basically just punched him unconscious

Overall: The match was fine


5. Bret Hart vs. Jerry Lawler / Doink the Clown


Jesus Christ, Jerry Lawler has to be 55 years old at this point.  He comes down to the ring in crutches, and says he can’t wrestle and instead Doink will take his place.

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“This is the biggest ripoff I’ve ever seen” – Vince McMahon, expressing the viewpoint of thousand of fans

Here is a matchup I never had any interest in seeing.  Hart makes it interesting because the guy doesn’t know how to have a bad match, but even the high flying, top rope moves both guys put on doesn’t save this

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Maybe it saves it a little

Hart slaps on the Sharpshooter and Lawler beats him with a pair of crutches.  The match looks like it’s over, but Jack Tunny – then president of the WWE – tells Lawler if he doesn’t wrestle, he’s banned forever.

It makes sense.

The next 8 minutes are just Bret Hart beating the shit out of a senior citizen.  It also features some notable highlights – a pile driver, which is a move you barely saw by 1993 rolled around – and a totally shirtless Bret Hart

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Also rarely seen in 1993

The match ends when Hart slaps Jerry Lawler in the sharpshooter and refuses to break the hold.  He gets disqualified.  He would try this exact same move against Stone Cold in a future Wrestlemania

Overall: Interesting match, but Doink seriously sucks


6. Marty Jannetty vs. Ludvig Borga


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Jesus, Marty Jannetty just could not catch a break after breaking up with Shawn Michaels.  First he gets kicked out the WWE, gets placed under house arrest for attacking a cop and now he’s jobbing for this nobody.

WWE apparently had huge plans for Borga but they didn’t really pan out due to a tepid fan reaction and horrible storylines.

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WWE writers would later go on to work for DC

This is a really one sided match, Borga basically takes Jannetty apart and wins with backbreaker submission.

Overall: Poor, poor Marty Jannetty


7. The Undertaker vs. The Giant Gonzalez


WWE Replay has managed to find an actual transcript of the conversation that resulted in this match:

McMahon: Everyone hated Undertaker vs. Gonzalez in Wrestlemania IX, so what should we do with him in Summerslam?

Writer 1: How about the exact same goddamn match?

McMahon: Maybe you didn’t hear me though? Everyone hated the match, like it was rated one of the worst of the year and Wrestlemania was just in March.

Writer 2: What if we do the same match again?

McMahon: Is there…. can you even hear me?  Everyone hated everything about the first match. We need a fresh, new angle.

Writer 1: What if we do the same match, but change it up by making his gross body suit slightly darker?

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electrifying

McMahon: < sigh> Fine. Whatever. I have to start my steroid cycle.

Undertaker gets up over and over again and wins the match.

Overall: I love the Undertaker, but I’m very glad that this feud is over.  The urn is great though, what a fun gimmick.

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Awesome

8. Tatanka and The Smoking Gunns (Billy Gunn and Bart Gunn) vs. Bam Bam Bigelow and The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu) (with Afa and Luna Vachon)


Ugggghhhhhhhhh.

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Gimme a break
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He’s actually carrying a tomahawk now?
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Fuck all the way off

I just realized Bam Bam Bigalow is the only person in this match who isn’t a stereotype or a racist caricature.

This match is unwatchable garbage, and Tatanka and the Smoking Guns win

Overall: Unwatchable.  Garbage.


9. Lex Lugar vs. Yokozuna


And we finally hit the point in Lex Lugar’s career where he gets his huge push as the next Hulk Hogan.  On the mic, Bobby Heenan reminds him of his tenuous destiny by saying “Lugar, you have one chance – don’t blow it!”.

He gets off on the right foot by coming in to an instrumental version of this song which is a children’s song about ducks and being kind to them.

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Yokozuna is not impressed by your rabidly pro-duck entrance song

Gang, there’s not a ton to love about this match.  Lugar was pushed way to quickly and they were trying to build him up as the next Hogan too quickly.  He was a wrestler that was all look and very little talent.

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Fortunately, Vince McMahon learned his lesson and never, ever made the same mistake again

The whole match is snoozeville, backed by a pretty quiet, bored crowd.  Lugar eventually wins a technical victory by a count out, but Yokozuna keeps the belt

Overall: Terrible!  But it wasn’t a bad SummerSlam

 

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Wrestlemania IX Recap

When I was younger, I remember thinking this Wrestlemania was fantastic. Will it hold up all these years later?


1. Intercontinental Championship Match:  Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka


Shawn Michaels debuts another Wrestlemania, this time against the lazily racist caricature that is Tatanka.  As usual, Sherri is hovering by ringside, watching him wrestle, but not actually in his corner.  That interaction has been going on for like a year now.

Shawn Michaels does his usual bit here – petulant complaining to the ref and over-the-top falls when he sells moves.   It’s a fun match.

…or so I thought.  22 goddamn agonizing minutes later and my enthusiasm has waned.  Opening matches should be quick and high energy to get the crowd immediately excited.

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It should not be 12 minutes of chin locks

On the mic, Bobby Heenan and Macho Man say what we’re all thinking:

Macho Man: “This match should have been over by now”
Bobby Heenan:”It should have been over 30 moves ago”

Michaels barely touches the ref outside the ring and gets counted out or something?  It’s out of nowhere and it’s a crappy ending

Overall: Not a great start.  Horrible booking


2. The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott) vs. The Headshrinkers (Samu and Fatu)


Hoo boy.  Let’s get this over with.  Macho Man is more optimistic than me and says “This should be  a great match.  Even better than the last one”

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You think?

Scott and Fatu start in the ring and exchange some blows.  Scott gives Fatu a clotheline, which announcer Jim Ross calls a “Steiner Line”.  I  am briefly entertained by the thought that every move they do will be re-branded by Jim Ross to be Steiner-related.  An arm bar will become a Stein-bar.  A chin lock will be a Rick Lock.  A suplex will be a Stein-plex.

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A botched move will be a Steinicide

I am honestly not sure if Fatu fucked up there or not.  Generally the way that move works, you drop the guy on the top rope, not launch him right over the top.  Macho Man and Jim Ross actually comment on that for the next couple of minutes.

After that move, Scott is a destroyed mess and the Headshrinkers just lay on a pounding.  Eventually Scott makes the tag and Rick gets to play the hero rescue role.  Jim Ross refers to Rick Steiner as Dog Face, which is great.  Why not just call him “Fuc’t brow” or “Sea Monster”?

While I’m making jokes, Fatu puts Rick on his shoulders and when Samu goes for the clothesline, Rick catches him (on another guys shoulders) and power slams him.  It’s a very unexpected and very cool move.

Fresh on the heels of that, Scott hits a Frankensteiner and the match is over.

Overall: Not a horrible match.  It had 3 huge moves that were great


3. Doink the Clown vs. Crush


Look gang!  It’s Doink the Clown – in his SECOND Wrestlemania.  What’s that?  When was his first?  Glad you asked, hypothetical reader who talks to his computer.  He was in the very first Wrestlemania against Ricky Steamboat!

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Matt Osborne, wondering “What if Doink was one of us”

There is nothing spectacular to recap in this match.  Neither wrestler is that good, the moves are all telegraphed and clumsy and neither character is that interesting.

The ref gets knocked down, Doink gets knocked out of the ring and in the confusion a 2nd Doink comes out from under the apron.  The 2nd Doink interferes, clobbers Crush, it’s the dumbest thing I’ve seen and who cares.  Who.  Cares.

Overall: Two Doinks!


4. Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund


Yep.  This is an actual Wrestlemania match.  Ramon, ostensibly the heel, comes out to a huge pop, Bob Backlund comes out to what can best be classified as polite indifference.  The WWE has always been a little tone deaf when it comes to who the fans like.

I wish there was something entertaining to say about this match.  Bob Backlund goes on a tiny amount of offence and the crowd is stone cold silent.  Out of nowhere, Ramon hits a small package and gets the win

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If they can’t be bothered to come up with a match, I can’t be bothered to come up with a joke

Overall:  That was garbage


5. Tag Team Championship Match: Money Inc (Ted Dibiase and IRS) vs. The Mega Friends Powers Maniacs (Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake)


Money incorporated put their belts on the line in the second title defense of the night.  Hogan and Beefcake are sporting a black eye and stupid face mask, respectively

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It’s a toss up which looks worse

In real life, Hogan had been in a jet ski accident.  They worked the injury into the match by saying Money Inc attacked him in the dressing room backstage.

At this point of his career, Hogan has given up any pretense of actual wrestling and is just throwing haymakers.  Even Macho points out “not many wrestling holds from the Hulkster”

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Maybe I wasted my career by actually trying to be a talented wrestler?

Halfway through the match, Money Inc decides to bail on the match and go back to the dressing room.  Taking the mic, the ref lets them know that (contrary to the actual rules of WWE) “If Money Inc does not return to the ring, they will forfeit the belt”.

I think every professional sport would be improved if the ref had the ability to alter the rules of the game on the fly.

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Patriots – penalty, offside.  Also, if Tom Brady does not full-on make out with Drew Bledsoe on the 50 yard line, the Patriots are banned from the NFL forever.

The match continues and Ted Dibiase makes the cardinal mistake of putting Hogan in a choke hold.  Really surprisingly, Hogan doesn’t Hulk The Fuck Out.   Beefcake comes in and clears house, but Money Inc. regains the advantage.

Money Inc. takes off Beefcakes  mask and start punching him in the face.  Beefcake oversells every punch and I guess the gist is that his face bones are really soft and squishy now?  Because he’s healing or something?

Hogan gets the tag and then a bunch of weird things happen.  The ref is knocked out, Hogan hits Money Inc with the “titanium” face mask, the Mega Maniacs collectively pin Money Inc, Jimmy Hart reverses his jacket so it’s a referee stripes and then counts for the 3.  A new ref comes out and says Money Inc is disqualified so they keep the belts.

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Mega Maniacs triumphantly celebrate their technical loss

Overall: I think this match might have been the high point of this PPV which is really unfortunate


6. Mr. Perfect vs. Lex Lugar


The match hasn’t started and I’m already disappointed.  I’m pretty sure Perfect is going to put Lugar over.  Poor Mr Perfect.  He deserves better.

Lugar was still doing his “Narcissist” bit at this point so we are treated to 5 minutes of posing

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I thought Beefcake was in the last match?

At the start of the match, Macho Man calls Bobby Heenan “Camel breath”. I have no idea what that insult means in this context.   Normally, that’s something Jesse Ventura would say to the Iron Sheik or something.  It’s completely random.  Why not call him “Panda breath” or “Unicorn Breath”?

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Are camels even known for the quality of their breath?  While I continue to wonder about this, I guess there’s some wrestling going on in the background

Macho and Heenan basically bicker for the whole match.  They barely call the action.  I’m not sure if this is a bit or if they are genuinely irritated with each other.

More wresting continues in the background.  It’s pretty routine stuff, nothing that great.  Perfect is having trouble dragging a math out of Lugar.

It ends when Lugar reverses a back… slide… flip-pin?

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I don’t actually know what it’s called

Overall: This Wrestlemania is just dragging on and on


7. Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez


I have almost nothing to say about this match

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I’m going to let the disgusting flesh suit do the talking for me

Gonzalez is as much a wrestler as I am.  He quite obviously has no idea what he’s doing.  This entire match is a farce.  The whole thing is punch after punch.

It ends when Gonzalez chloroforms The Undertaker.  Sure.  Why the fuck not.

The booking in this event was abysmal.  There were so few clean wins.  We now have 7 matches and 3 disqualifications, 2 suspicious endings and 1 clean pin.  Fuck you, Wrestlemania IX.

Overall: I love the Undertaker, but this was embarrassing


8. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna


Did I say embarrassing?  I forgot about this travesty of a match.  Rather than bother with a recap, I’ll just let Bret Hart tell you about it

Bret Hart on the Controversy behind Dropping the Belt to Hulk Hogan via Yokozuna at Wrestlemania 9 and Hogan’s Flat-out Refusal to Put Him over in a Match

“On April 2, 1993, [I] went to my room just in time to answer a call from Vince, who asked me to come to his suite to talk.I knocked on his door and he answered it with that goofy grin. We sat down, and Vince said, “This is what I want to do. I want you to drop the belt to Yoko tomorrow.”

This was not what I had expected. I sat there dumbstruck as he went on to explain how Fuji would screw me by throwing salt in my face, blinding me. After Yoko was handed the belt, Hogan would rush to my aid and in some kind of roundabout way Hogan would end up winning the belt from Yoko right then and there!

Like I was handing Vince my sword, I told him I appreciated everything he did for me and I’d do whatever he wanted. Vince said, “Don’t get bitter. I still have big plans for you.” Sound bites flashed through my mind of Vince assuring me that I was the long-term champion, and not to worry about Hogan, who still hadn’t even spoken to me yet.

As I stood up to leave, I asked, “Did you take the belt from me because I didn’t do a good enough job?”

“Of course not! I’m just going in a different direction. It’s still onwards and upwards for you. Nothing is going to change too much for you.”

I was totally crushed

As I lay in bed that night, the more I thought about what Vince had in mind for Hogan, the more I felt that it would completely backfire on both of them. The hokey finish would stink, maybe not immediately, but in the weeks to come my fans, who were the biggest contingent in Vince’s paying audience at that time, would gag on it. There was something different about my fans. They really believed in me as a person.

By the time I got to the dressing room the following afternoon, word that I was losing the title had leaked out to the boys. Most of them were quiet and some were angry. The Nasty Boys, Shawn, Taker and several others expressed their utter disappointment. Knowing I was losing the belt didn’t stop me from planning on having a great match. I went over everything with Yoko and designed the match so that all the best moves were left for the final minute.

Hulk arrived with his entourage: his wife, manager, Beefcake and Jimmy Hart. Clearly he’d been in the know all along, probably from the first day he came back. Now he was suddenly acting like my long-lost old pal and wearing a big smile that rightfully belonged to me.”

Overall: This match was garbage and this was a terrible event

 

 

 

Royal Rumble 1993 Recap


1. The Beverly Brothers (Beau and Blake) vs. The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott)


Hey!  It’s the Steiners!  The crazy, crazy fucking Steiners!

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Wearing color patterns that even the most flamboyant costume designer on broadway would find over the top

This match is a dull, shitty, dull dud.  The Steiners barely lasted more than a year in the WWE, maybe it’s because they couldn’t find their grooves.

Or maybe it’s because they nearly fucking murdered one of the Beverly Brothers at the end of this match

zwmdd

 Overall: I’ll give this match a 10 just for Frankensteiner at the end


2. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Marty Jannetty


The added wrinkle to this match is the Sensational Sherri.  She’s involved in the storyline, somehow.  The second wrinkle is Marty Jannetty’s outfit

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Designer notes: Needs 3 more tassels

This match was supposed to take place six months earlier, but was sidelined when Jannetty was arrested for murder.  Or drunk driving.  Something.  I’m not a details guy.

According to Scott’s Blog of Doom, Jannetty was completely shitfaced for this match.  You can kind of see where a few moves are bit off.  I’m not sure if this makes the match more or less impressive.

After a quick run by Jannetty, Michaels takes complete control of the match.  Knowing now that Jannetty wasn’t on his A-game, you can really see how Michaels carries the match.  Jannetty hits a few power moves near the end of the match (superkick, DDT) but Michaels keeps kicking out.

The ref gets knocked unconscious, and Sherri accidentally hits Jannetty with his shoe.  Michaels hits a very nonchalant superkick and gets the pin and retains the belt.

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Then everyone kind of just stands around for awhile.  It’s a very weird ending

Overall: That really wasn’t worth the hype


3. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Big Boss Man


This is confusing.  Big Boss Man is on his way down, which would mean Bam Bam is on his way.. up?  I feel like this match is basically a replay of the horrible, horrible match at Wrestlemania IV between Bam Bam and One Man Gang.

These two big fat idiots mix it up pretty well, but it’s nothing spectacular.  I’m mostly too distracted by trying to figure out how these two are related.

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Brothers?  Cousins?  They’re actually the same person?

The only other thing of note is that Bam Bam has gotten noticeably fatter since his departure from the WWE.

As  the match progresses, Bam Bam puts a very very long rest hold on the Boss Man.  Boss Man powers out and transitions into an extremely clumsy suplex.  Some more back and forth happens until Bam Bam gets the upper hand and goes to the top rope for a big, fat body press

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Mrraggrrallahhh!

Bam Bam gets the win

Overall: This is 50 minutes into the Royal Rumble and we still haven’t gotten to the actual Royal Rumble.  This is terrible


4. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Razor Ramon


Can you believe it?  This was Razor Ramon’s only match for the belt in whole time he was in the WWE.  Maybe that’s why he left so quickly?

Razor starts off with some heavy offense but Bret dodges a charge into the turnbuckle which results in Razor hurting his leg.  You see this technique in a lot of Bret matches against bigger guys – he goes after the knee.

Sadly, Razor forgets about this technique about 7 minutes into the match and completely no-sells the injury.

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He also no-sells being Cuban

After Razor miraculously heals from he knee injury, the story shifts to Bret having damaged ribs.  Razor takes advantage by applying a rib-based offense

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Rib Offense is also the name of Denny’s new breakfast special

The momentum shifts and Bret starts laying down a good beating.  He goes for the Sharpshooter, but Ramon manages to scramble out.  Razor returns the favor by going after the Razor’s Edge, but now it’s Bret’s turn to scramble out.

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Then they hold hands and dance because they are BFF’s

Bret ends up doing some really weird move that Gorilla calls a bow and arrow that leads to both guys tangled up on the ground.  From that position, Bret converts somehow into a Sharpshooter, Razor submits and that’s it.  Bret wins and keeps the belt

Overall: Pretty good match


Interlude: Introducing The Narcissist: Lex Lugar


Some of you might remember that when Lex Lugar was introduced in the WWE, it was as the “Narcissist”, a very short-lived character that they quickly transitioned away from.

The only reason I’m even covering this is that Lex Lugar looks exactly like the villain from Superman VI.

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Okay, let’s keep going!


5. The Royal Rumble


The first 10 minutes: 1. Ric Flair / 2. Bob Backlund / 3. Papa Shango / 4. Million Dollar Man / 5. A Nasty Boy / 6. Virgil

Hey, this is an… interesting start to the match.  Ric Flair and Bob Backlund.  These guys once fought for the NWA belt in 1982!  Papa Shango runs in but is eliminated almost immediately.  It’s worth noting that fans in 1993 effing hated Papa Shango.  Not as a heel, but just as a stupid, pointless, boring gimmick.

Million Dollar Man is out next.  At this point, the average age of the wrestlers in the ring (Flair and Backlund were  43, Dibiase was 39) is 41.  Electric!  One of the Nasty Boys is next to bring the median age down and the crows is fairly apathetic.  Will the next competitor ramp up the excitement?

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Nope!

The Nasty Boy is eliminated by Dibiase leaving 4 very dull wrestlers in the ring.

Minutes 10 – 20: 7. Jerry Lawler / 8. Max Moon / 9. Genichiro Tenryu / 10. Mr. Perfect

Jerry Lawler is also 43. 1993 WWE did not have a ton of new talent.  Why not just slap a pair of tights on Gorilla Monsoon?  He’s only like 73 at this point.

We’re up to number 8 and it’s Max Moon!

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Goddammit, who?  Seriously, who the shit is Max Moon

With this random stranger in the ring, Gorilla notes “This is starting to get interesting”.  I couldn’t disagree more.  Genichiro Tenryu runs in next and honestly, who the fuck are these people?  Did McMahon just have an open casting call before this match started?  Note that I never see Max Moon get eliminated, they don’t show it and Gorilla never mentions it.  Great job, masked weirdo!

Finally Mr Perfect enters, and the crowd is ecstatic just to see an enterant they recognize.  Perfect goes after Flair and everyone basically stops wrestling to watch them.

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I’m not joking, Tenryu is strolling around in the background, just happy to be earning $780 for the night

 

Minutes 21: 30:  11. Skinner / 12. Koko B Ware / 13. A Headshrinker / 14. The Berzerker / 15. The Undertaker

Keeping the talent level nice and terrible, Skinner comes in next.  Mr Perfect eliminates Flair to easily the biggest pop of the night.  “Finally, something happened” the crowd seems to be saying.

Koko comes out at number 12.  I didn’t know he was still even wrestling.  As I’m musing on the lack of talent in 1992 WWE, Mr. Perfect eliminates Skinner with a drop kick.  Entrants 13 and 14 are a Headshrinker and the Berzerker.  No eliminations through this period.  Mr. Perfect makes another elimination and gets rid of Jerry Lawler.  Dibiase throws Perfect out right after him.  While that was happening, Virgil got eliminated off screen

Number 15 is the Undertaker

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Even he seems pissed off to be in this trash

The crowd gives their biggest pop of the night, hoping this match will turn around.  He immediately starts clearing house starting with The Headshrinker and Tenryu.

Minutes 30 – 40:  16. Terry Taylor / 17.  Damien Demento / 18. IRS / 19. Tatanka / 20. The Other Nasty Boy

Terry Taylor is number 16 and is not wrestling as the Red Rooster anymore.  Basically the second he enters the ring, he is eliminated, along with Koko B Ware.  Undertaker then throws out Dibiase.  Only Undertaker and Berzerker are left and Undertaker gets rid of him quickly.

They use this moment to introduce Giant Gonzalez.  A one-shot, very stupid wrestler introduced simply because Undertaker was running out of credible competition and they needed a match for the upcoming WrestleMania

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The less said about the flesh-colored outfit the better

These two very briefly face off in the ring and Gonzalez immediately eliminates Undertaker.  They keep fighting outside the ring.

Meanwhile, the only actual participant in the Royal Rumble is #17 – Damien Demento and poor Bob Backlund.  IRS is the next entrant, but no one is getting in the ring because Gonzalez keeps beating up the Undertaker.  The whole match has grind to a halt.

Finally the match continues, but they just leave Undertaker unconscious in the corner

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He gets paid more for lying there than Tenryu gets for wrestling

Tatanka and The Nasty Boy are out next.  God help up, Tatanka is the biggest name in the ring right now.

Minutes 40 – 50   21: Typhoon / 22. The Other Headshrinker / 23. Earthquake / 24. Carlos Colon / 25. Tito Santana

I’ll fast forward you through the next 10 minutes.  A bunch of people come out and some people get eliminated and none of it is entertaining or watchable.  Well except Tito Santana.   He’s delightful

Minutes 50 – end:   26. Rick Martel / 27. Yokozuna / 28. Owen Hart / 29. Repo Man / 30. Randy Savage

After Rick Martel comes in, #27 is Yokozuna.  It’s slightly entertaining to watch him clear house, but not enough to save the event.  His eliminations are extremely  clumsy.

Eventually it comes down to just Yokozuna and Macho Man.  The match ends with a very strange move – Macho Man gets Yokozuna on his back and goes for – a pin.  In a Royal Rumble.

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Sure.  Makes sense

Even the crowd was kind of shocked the ending was this stupid.

Overall: That was a very tough Royal Rumble to get through.  That was awful

Survivor Series 1992 Recap

 


1. High Energy (Owen Hart and Koko B Ware) vs. The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu)


“High Energy” huh?   What was the creative meeting like when they came up with this name?  Was “Exciting Wrestlers” already taken?  Did WCW have rights to “Dynamic Athletes?”

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Jumping Happy Wrestle Friends?

This match is fine I guess.  I didn’t pay a ton of attention because I was trying to think up more stupid tag team names that are worse than “High Energy”.  Young Stallions?  Power and Glory?  Strike Force?

Whatever.  These stupid morons get their asses handed to them by the Headshrinkers.  This makes Koko B Wares last PPV (not counting Royal Rumbles).  So long you bird-themed weirdo.

Overall: Garbage


2. Nailz vs. Big Boss Man


I guess it was in 1992 when Survivor Series stopped the Survivor Series part of the event?

The gimmick here is this is a “nightstick” match where a nightstick is placed at the top of a pole in the corner of the ring.  Whoever manages to get it can use it to beat their opponent.

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The precursor to ladder matches

Given the two people in the ring, it’s no surprise that wrestling is as far away from this match as subtly is from a Michael Bay movie.  It’s power move, try to get the stick.   Power move – stick.  Power – stick.  Powerstick.

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Shit, I have a great idea!

Eventually, Boss Man gets the stick and then he beats Nailz with it.  Yay, I guess.

Overall: Nothing is happening that is making me like Survivor Series to any greater degree


3. Tatanka vs. Rick Martel


Sigh.  Just go read my review from Wrestlemania VIII, it’s the same thing.

For no reason connected with the fight, Doink the Clown comes down to ringside

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AKA the dumbest wrestling gimmick ever

Neither wrestler pays any attention to Doink the Clown and he doesn’t pay any attention to them.  Meanwhile, the crowd doesn’t know what to look at and as a result is pretty quiet, not really focusing on the match

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Which is a shame, because Tatanka is really showing them something

Both guys put on a decent work that ends when Tatanka hits Rick Martel with a back drop.  Doink had nothing to do with the event.

Overall: I guess fine?  And good job Doink?


4. Macho Man and Mr. Perfect vs. Ric Flair and Razor Ramon


This match was supposed to be Macho Man and the Ultimate Warrior, but Warrior had just left the company due to a drug scandal.  Mr. Perfect was added at the last minute.  This was also the start of Mr. Perfect’s run as a babyface.  We’ll see how Mr. Perfect does given how rusty he is.  His last match was against Bret Hart in the 91 SummerSlam as a heel.

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Razor Ramon also was still trying to figure out how many toothpicks he needed (he would eventually settle on 6)

Perfect starts the match off, getting the upper hand – first on Razor Ramon and then on Ric Flair.  Macho tags in and loses the momentum, leading to a very long run where he gets to play the “hero in distress” half of the tag team, giving Mr. Perfect the perfect (ha?) chance to play up his new babyface role.

As Macho is beaten senseless, Mr Perfect teases like he’s going to leave, getting the crowd good and worked up.  After a long run of abuse, Macho finally makes the tag and Mr. Perfect comes in to clear house.  Perfect accidentally runs into the ref and knocks him out.

Perfect nails the Perfectplex, but with no ref, there’s no pin.

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There is a shitload of crazy ab-work though

Chairs are eventually thrown in to the ring and the match ends with a disqualification.  Macho and Perfect get the win

Overall: Pretty good


5. Yokozuna vs. Virgil


Ha!  Goddamn, Virgil has no chance.  There isn’t even a hint of a match to be had here.

This is Yokozuna’s debut and he is a giant, fat intimidating wrestler.  Will Virgil start off by trying to knock over the giant fat guy and then be surprised when he doesn’t knock down the giant fat guy?

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Called it

Poor Virgil.  Yokozuna just destroys him.  There’s a great moment at the end when Yokozuna drops the big leg on Virgil and you can hear the whole audience go “ooooohhh”.

Overall: A nice, big debut for nice, big Yokozuna


6. The Nasty Boys and Natural Disasters vs. Money Inc. and the Beverly Brothers


My DVD went screwy for this match and I had to skip it.  I was really, really happy about that because I really, really didn’t want to watch it.  According to Wikipedia, The Nasty Boys and Natural Disaster won.  I don’t care.  I think this was the only “Survivor Series” part of the match?

Overall: Here’s a picture of Voltron, which is maybe more entertaining than the match we didn’t watch

Voltron
There’s no friggin “maybe” about it

 


7. Undertaker vs. Kamala – Coffin Match


The promo for this match has Undertaker building the actual coffin that will be used in the coffin match.  Why would a zombie monster giant be good at woodworking?

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Why the heck wouldn’t I be? 

I guess the Undertaker liked to explore other vocations if this whole wrestling thing didn’t pan out.

This match is simultaneously dull and great.  Early Undertaker matches were all about pairing the Undertaker against some monster and then having the Undertaker take a crazy amount of punishment before getting up.  There is nothing even remotely resembling wrestling.

Kamala gets the quick upper hand and splashes the Undertaker a bunch of times.  Undertaker gets up, grabs the urn and hits Kamala.  Kamala is unconscious and Undertaker gets the pin.

Next up – nailing Kamala into the urn.  The Undertaker must be nervous, he hammers with all the accuracy of Donald Trump’s casual racism

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I honestly never knew so much of wrestling was basic carpentry

Overall: I just can’t be unhappy with an Undertaker match


8. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels


Some backstory here – Bret Hart dropped the Intercontinental belt to Davey Boy Smith at Summerslam, but then quickly beat Ric Flair for the championship belt.  Shawn Michaels then beat Davey Boy, setting up this match.

We’re starting one of my favorite periods of wrestling.  Due to the steroid scandals of the early 90’s, MacMahon was – for a very short period of time – showing preference for smaller, more agile wrestlers who weren’t obviously made entirely of human growth hormones.

The beginning of this match is just pure wrestling.  No power moves at all, just tons of grappling, takedowns and quick reversals.  It’s great.  It’s a match you would never see today.

Bret really controls the early part of the match using his wrestling power and Shawn Michaels gets frustrated.

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He’s either frustrated or finishing

He uses the power of wrestling frustration to put Bret Hart in a headlock that lasts like 8 minutes.  I’m bored.

Bret turns the table on Michaels with a suplex and goes on a heavy offense.  We’re about a the 20 minute mark and these guys have used a ton of moves on each other.

At the end of the match, Michaels hits Hart with as super kick and then a huge suplex.  After some last scrambling, Michaels goes for a drop kick off the top rope which Bret Hart surprisingly catches and converts into a sharpshooter.

Michaels submits and Hart retains the belt.

Overall: Great match, especially the last 8 minutes.  The 10 minute run in the middle was a bit dry

SummerSlam ’92 Recap

WWE finally goes over the ocean to Wembly Stadium for the 1992 SummerSlam.  This is an outdoor event, which I have always found slightly unnerving.  Wrestling should be held in darkened stadiums, surrounded by drunken idiots.  These are our people.

Attendance for this one was just over 80 thousand, making it (at least) the third largest event in WWE history.


1. Money Inc. (Ted Dibiase and IRS) vs. The Legion of Doom (Hawk and Animal)


This is a very standard LOD match. Tons of power moves, not a lot of technique. Money Inc. mostly go after Hawk (or Animal, I don’t know) with some dull, choke-hold based offense.

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Stare at this picture for 8 solid minutes and you get the idea

Pretty straightforward end to the match, the LOD throw Dibiase into IRS and then Animal (or Hawk, I don’t know) hits a powerslam and gets the pin

Overall: It’s a fine, standard start to the event


2. Virgil vs. Nailz


Nailz didn’t have much of a run in the WWE.  He was in this PPV and then the ’92 Survivor Series, but shortly after was fired after attacking Vince McMahon over a financial dispute.

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I bet he even had a whole backstory for the gibberish written on the back of his jumpsuit

This match is a pretty solid work by Virgil, but Nailz demolishes him pretty quickly and wins with a sleeper hold.

Overall: Meh


3. Shawn Michaels with Sherri Martel vs. Rick Martel


This match has a “no punching in the face” rule because Sherri Martel liked both guys and both of them had a crush on her.  They probably passed her notes in gym class?

This match is about 10x more entertaining than it has any right to be with such a stupid concept behind it.  Both guys bring their A-game with a ton of fast moves and great playing to the audience.  Great job guys!

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No problem, WWE Replay!

The match ends with both guys about to hit each other in the face, when Sherri faints. Both guys go to check on her and Martel gives her CPR – a technique that has never ever been recommended for a simple case of the vapors.  Both men are counted out and Sherri is left by herself.

Overall: A fun match that brought up the pace of the event


4. Tag Team Championship Match: Beverly Brothers (Bo and Blake) vs. The Natural Disasters (Earthquake and Tugboat)


Hoo boy.  I do not care for the Natural Disasters and I don’t really remember the Beverly Brothers.  I’m looking forward to this the same way Daniel Day Lewis looks forward to movies where he doesn’t get a chance to wear goddamn massive, ridiculous hats

Daniel Day Lewis Hats
Seriously, I think he gets paid by the hat-inch

The Beverly Brothers do an okay job keeping this match interesting, but they’re not working with much.  They go on a monotonously long offensive run against Tugboat and when the ref is distracted, they hit him with a foreign object.

As they go for the pin, Earthquake interferes and comes in to demolish everyone.  After some various fat-based attacks, they get the pin on Blake or Bo (can’t tell which is which) and they keep the belts

Overall: Given I didn’t at all expect to enjoy this and it wasn’t entirely awful, I’m pretty happy with it


5. Repo Man vs. Crush


This is sort of interesting because here’s Repo and Crush now:

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I don’t get why Repo Man has a hook

Here’s Repo and Crush 5 years earlier

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We were demolition, remember?

They were demolition, remember?

The match itself is fine.  It’s a perfectly serviceable match.  Crush wins by smooshing Repo Man’s head.

Overall: I’m going on record as saying Repo Man is one of the dumbest ideas WWE has had


6. Heavyweight Championship Match: Macho Man vs. Ultimate Warrior


Heading into this match, Ultimate Warrior and Macho Man had some relationship problems.  Through a series of incredibly unlikely series of events, (all of which included unconscious referees) neither Macho Man or Ultimate Warrior trusted each other and thought the other one hired Mr. Perfect to be in their corner.

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“Just exactly how many times were you knocked unconscious last month?  If the answer is more than ‘none’ that’s too many times

Gang, will this match be as good as Macho / Warrior from Wrestlemania VII?  It’s essentially the same thing except the crowd is actively booing Macho Man.

One difference is the pace, it’s a very aggressive, fast paced match.  Not a single arm bar or chin lock.  Just non stop body slams and big impact moves.  Within 10 minutes both guys seem exhausted.

As the match continues, Macho seems to have injured his back and Warrior seems to have hurt his neck.  Both guys are at the end of their energy when Mr. Perfect finally comes out and everyone is wondering which guy hired him.

Macho goes to the ropes and Mr. Perfect trips him.  So now everyone thinks Perfect is in Warriors corner.  Macho man is understandably upset

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And feels the middle of his important wrestling match is the right time to have this discussion

During the action, the ref gets knocked out and when Warrior goes for the pin, the ref doesn’t see it.  When the ref comes back to, he gets knocked out again by Savage.

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I feel like I’m not being clear.  Losing consciousness for even like 2 goddamn seconds is cause for huge concern

As Savage is trying to revive the official, Mr. Perfect attacks the Warrior.  So I guess Mr. Perfect is in nobody’s corner.

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Nobody puts Perfect in a corner

The match ends when Ric Flair hits Warrior with a chair.  Savage ends up going after Flair and then Perfect and Flair beat him up for awhile and Macho Man is counted out of the ring.  Warrior them chases off and then celebrates with Macho Man

Overall: That match was way better than the Wrestlemania one.  Nice job everyone!


7. Kamala vs. The Undertaker


Shit!  Yes!

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Awesome!
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Fuck!  Yes!
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Goddamn Awesome!
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Yes!

Overall: Whew!


8. Intercontinental Championship Match:  Bret Hart vs. Davey Boy Smith


Man, Bret Hart sure is on a crazy run of “best of the decade” matches, isn’t he?  In the past year (of 1991 – 1992) he’s had the crazy good match against Mr. Perfect at the last Summerslam, followed by the crazy good match against Rowdy Piper at Wrestlemania VIII and now this one.

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Yeah, I’m awesome.  What of it?

The rumor is that Davey Boy was either high or on no sleep for this match.  From Wikipedia:

“Bret Hart later revealed in an interview that he doubted the legitimacy of the injury and that he believed Davey Boy in fact had a drug problem and that in the two months prior to their match he could not contact him to sort out what they were going to do at Wembley, and when they finally got to the stadium Smith revealed that he had not slept in over 48 hours. However, Hart also stated that as bad as Smith’s personal issues were, he “sucked it up” and hit every spot in the match”

The first part is nothing but capital-W Wrestling.  It’s Bret and Davey Boy showing off how fantastically better they are then everyone.  Lots of quick headlock takedowns, arm bar escape, jockeying back and forth for position while going for quick pin falls.  It’s super.

Bret is on offense for most of this match and the crowd pretty quickly turns on him.  It’s an interesting storytelling choice to set up Davey Boy as the underdog and it works great. Bret is using really aggressive tactics to sell himself as the temporary heel for the match.  They keep cutting to reaction shots of Diana Hart – Bret’s sister and Davey Boy’s wife

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“God Bret, you’re such an asshole”

After an incredibly one-sided beating that lasts 20 minutes, Davey Boy finally shows some signs of life and goes on offense.  He hits Bret with some big, big power moves and Bret keeps kicking out of the pin.  They hit the sweet double clothesline and while they’re laying unconscious on the mat, Bret Hart manages to apply the Sharpshooter.  He’s the best.

The match ends when Bret Hart misses a sunset flip and Davey Boy falls on him for the pin.  Davey Boy gets the belt

Overall: Just a fantastic match and a great SummerSlam.  What do you think Diana?

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Yaaay wrestling!  Bret is still a dick though

Wrestlemania VIII Recap


1. El Matador vs. Shawn Michaels with Sherri


Well well well.  If it isn’t our old friend Tito Santana, once again called upon to put someone over at a Wrestlemania.  I’m excited for the match, because I just mentioned in the last Royal Rumble recap that I’d love to see these two wrestle.

This event takes place in the Hoosierdome and they have a very odd setup.  Basically, they have the ring on the floor with the seats surrounding it, but then a huge gap between the floor seats and stands.

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Should we sell an additional 9,400 tickets, or leave huge goddamn gaps in the floor?  Gaps you say?

Because of the setup and the impact on acoustics, I can hear individual comments from the crowd on the DVD.  It’s nuts.  It’s like they’re actually commentating the match, it’s so loud.  There are moments where it’s louder than Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan.

Aside from the very distracting, idiot crowd, this match is not the fast-paced dynamic wrestling that Tito and Michaels are known for.  It’s mostly headlocks.  The action picks up when Tito hits the sweet, sweet flying forearm…

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Oh Flying Forearm.  I can’t stay mad at you

..but Michaels rolls out of the ring.  Tito goes on a pretty great offensive run, but.. kind of trips when he tries to body slam Michaels, and Michaels gets the pin.

Tito Santana fans, take note: This marks his seventh straight loss at Wrestlemanias.

Overall: A barely better than average match with a Flying Forearm


2. The Undertaker vs. Jake the Snake Roberts


Before this match starts, let’s go see who is in the audience.  Well what do you know, it’s Alia Shawkat, inexplicably time-travelling backwards from the set of Arrested Development

Maeby WM VIII
Her?

It’s interesting to go back and watch early Undertaker matches.  His wrestling has really evolved.  His whole moveset is just chokes.  The entire excitement comes from watching him no-sell every move.

In this case, Undertaker sits up from 2 straight DDTs and it’s electrifying.  He then finishes off Jake with a quick and easy Tombstone.  This match did a great job of selling the Undertaker as an unbeatable monster

Overall: It’s an Undertaker match, so 10/10


3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Bret the Hitman Heart


Great story leading into this one.  As you might recall, Bret Hart won the belt from Mr. Perfect at the 1991 SummerSlam before losing it oto the Mountie at a house show.  Piper was in his corner at the time and took the belt from the Mountie at the 1992 Royal Rumble, three days later.

That set the stage for this match – the Hitman wanted “his” belt back and the feud was on.  What made this unique for the time, is that both wrestlers were babyfaces with the crowed pretty evenly split between the two.

If anyone ever asks what people mean when they refer to Hitman a great “in ring storyteller”, tell them to watch this match.  It has a ton going on.  It’s Piper the streetfighter vs. Hitman the technician.  Both guys are wrestling a really aggressive match, consistent with the story.

In another unusual twist, Hart cuts himself wide open – he barely cuts in his matches

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“anti-lol” – Bret Hart, presumably

The whole match is a complete back and forth.  The ref gets knocked out and Piper runs to the outside and grabs the ring bell with the intention of hitting Hart.  The crowd starts to boo and Piper remembers that’s he’s a “good guy” so he instead slaps on the sleeper.  Hart, showing his ring awareness, kicks off the ropes into a pinning combination.  He wins the belt!

Piper does the standard “gracious in defeat” and awards the belt to the Hitman.

Overall: What a great match.  So far this is a fantastic Wrestlemania


4. Big Boss Man, Virgil, Sgt. Slaughter, Hacksuck Jim Duggan vs. The Nasty Boys, Repo Man  and the Mountie


Since his last appearance in the ’92 Royal Rumble, Virgil has gained a new mask, apparently because his nose was broken

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“Here, wear this stupid, stupid mask to protect your nose” – No doctor, anywhere

So what to expect from this match?  8 wrestlers, none of whom are that technically accomplished, at varying phases in the sunset of their careers.  And Hacksuck.  I am weary with excitement.

There’s not a ton to recap in this one.  The match ends when the one of the Nasty Boys rips off Virgil’s facemask and tries to hit Virgil with it.  He misses, and instead hits his partner with a fist full of soft, cottony bandage.  Obviously, the Nasty Boy is knocked cold and the idiots with Hacksuck with the match.

Overall: I don’t like any of the wrestlers enough to genuinely care.


5.  World Heavyweight Championship Match: Mr. Flair vs. Macho King


This Wrestlemania was billed with a “double main event”.  This match, and the later one between Hogan and Sid Justice.

Originally, the main event was supposed to be Flair vs. Hogan, but Hogan was planning to leave the WWE in 1992 to pursue acting (or whatever) and McMahon didn’t want to put the belt back on him (more on that in the Hogan match later on in this post)

This match has a ton of great heat.  In the weeks leading to the match, Flair taunted Savage by telling him he slept with his wife (!!!).

jerk store
Costanza would have the perfect comback for that

Flair goes on an early, and prolonged offense against Savage.  It’s about the first 12 minutes of the match.  Savage eventually fights back to a nice pop from the crowd.  It’s been awhile since Savage has been in the ring and you can tell.  His moves are about a 1/2 beat off and some end up a little clumsy.

Eventually the match goes to the floor and Flair cuts himself.

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Right here

This is two blade jobs in one event, making this the bloodiest Wrestlemania in history.  The ref gets knocked out and Flair hits Savage with brass knuckles, but Savage manages to kick out.  During another distraction (jesus McMahon, hire some decent refs!), Perfect hits Macho in the leg with a chair.

Fed up, Elizabeth runs out from the back and the officials flaccidly try to stop her, primarily with wild gesticulating

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Someone do something!  She’s 105 pounds and very, very pretty!  We are powerless

When she gets to the ring, she essentially does nothing.  Meanwhile, Flair applies the Figure Four on Savage.  Savage barely manages to reverse it and wins with a very abrupt rollover pin.

Overall: Great match


6. Tatanka vs. Rick Martel


This Wrestlemania is the perfect mirror for how thin the WWE’s pool was in 1992.  They had some incredible talent (e.g. Undertaker, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair) and then they had garbage.  This PPV alternates between the two.

The only bright spot of this match is how quick it is.  It’s mostly one-sided offense for Martel who eventually gets pinned by an out-of-nowhere high cross body

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As opposed to a completely expected high cross body, I guess

Overall: Would have been a fine warm up match, but not a latter-half of a PPV match


7. Tag Team Championship Match: The Natural Disasters (Tugboat and Earthquake) vs. Money Inc. (Ted Dibiase and IRS)


Why on earth are the Natural Disasters good guys now?  Wikipedia tells me it has something to do with Jimmy Hart arranging for Money Inc. to get the belt and not them.  Got it.

Have I mentioned before that I hate fat guy matches?  I find their limited arsenal of fat-based power moves very… well, limited.  And they’re usually pretty horrible wrestlers that miss a ton of spots

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Case in point

After a very serviceable match, the Natural Disasters are about to get the pin, but Jimmy Hart pulls IRS out of the ring and Money Inc. leaves the match.  Natural Disasters win by count out, but Money Inc. keeps the belt

Overall: Does this mean we’ll see this match again?  I hope not.


8. Skinner vs. Owen Hart


The apathy in the audience is just palpable.  I guess the crowd needed time to get a beer.  The match is about 58 seconds long, and Owen Hart wins with a rollup pin.

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Note to caption writer: Add a fart joke

Overall: Those last three matches have made for a very underwhelming lead up


9. Not at all a Championship match: Hulk Hogan vs. Sid Justice


This just goes to show you what McMahon thought about Hogan at this point.  Doesn’t matter if he has the belt, he’s the main event.  If this was any other booking, this match would have been the mid-card and Macho / Flair would have been the main event.

I’ll let Buzzfeed describe the lead up:

Ric Flair showed up, newly defected from WCW, and looked to set up a storyline showdown of epic proportions between the Flair as the face of WCW and Hogan as the face of the WWF.  Then Hogan-Flair matches failed to inspire much interest at house (non-televised) shows and WWF management got cold feet about whether the match really worked as a main event.  Around the same time, Hogan decided to retire so he could pursue a career in acting.

For anyone counting (me) this makes 4 tag team partners who have turned on Hogan: Paul Orndorff, Andre the Giant, Macho Man, and now Sid Justice.  Hey gang, maybe Hogan is the worst?

andrehogan
Look how happy Andre was choking him to death!

This match is nothing spectacular.  It’s a pretty by-the-books Hogan affair that is surprisingly quick, clocking in at just over 10 minutes.  Hogan gets beaten up for awhile and then hulks the fuck out after Sid gives him the power bomb.

The ending is odd as hell.  Sid kicks out of Hulk’s big leg thanks to help from Harvey Whippleman.  Sid is disqualified and then Papa Shango runs out for no goddamn good reason.  To add on to the randomness, the Ultimate Warrior runs out and clears house and saves Hogan.  The rumor is Papa Shango was supposed to interfere earlier, but missed his spot so Sid was forced to kick out of the leg.

Overall: This was a fairly terrible match, featuring people who were all mostly on their way out of the WWE.  Still not the worst Wrestlemania ever through

 

 

 

 

 

 

SummerSlam ’91


1. Ricky Steamboat, The British Bulldog and Texas Tornado vs. Power & Glory with The Warlord


After a hiatus from the WWE, Ricky Steamboat makes his return. Sadly, this marks the start of his unfortunate run as “The Dragon”

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No longer metaphorical

He never hit the same level of popularity with this gimmick that he did as just plain ole’ Ricky Steamboat.  This would mark his only PPV as he quit the WWE a few months after this match.

He also appears to be a bit rusty against the Warlord

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Okay, so you breath on me and I’ll jump halfway across the ring

The only other thing interesting about this match is in one year, all of these guys are gone from the WWE.  Davey Boy lasts the longest, appearing in next years SummerSlam

Overall: This is a good match to start the event.


2. Intercontinential Match: Mr. Perfect vs. Bret the Hitman Hart


This is widely considered one of Bret’s best matches and often appears in lists for best matches of all time.  At this point, Mr. Perfect is wrestling with a broken tailbone and herniated disks, so it’s incredibly impressive he managed to pull off this kind of match.

There’s a ton of great back and forth with very few obvious rest holds.  You can really tell how much Perfect’s back is bothering him through the whole match, but he barely misses a step

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For example, this can’t be good for a broken back

The match ends with Mr. Perfect hitting a leg drop, Bret catches his leg (lying down) and converts it into a sharp shooter.  Mr. Perfect submits and Bret gets the belt.

Overall: A fantastic match


3. The Natural Disasters vs. The Fucking Bushwhackers


I’m only watching this match in the hopes that the Bushwhackers just get absolutely demolished.

And sure enough, they get destroyed by those fat assholes.  The Bushwhackers get a couple seconds of offense at the start, but it’s short lived.

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That’s probably a terrifying thing to see from the mat

Overall: Meh


4. Million Dollar Man vs. Virgil


The feud between Virgil and Million Dollar Man continues.  While the storyline behind this match was very well done, the actual wrestling itself is nothing spectacular.  The match goes on a little too long and ends with Virgil getting the pin and winning the Million Dollar Belt

Virgil Dibiase SummerSlam
Dibiase and Virgil take a time out for a quick nap

Overall: Two very average wrestlers having a very average match that is elevated slightly by the over-the-top fan response to the action


5. The Mountie vs. The Big Boss Man


This is dubbed as a “Jailhouse Match” where the loser needs to spend 24 hours in prison.  Because they’re both officers of the law?  Sort of?  So somehow, this makes sense.

This is another mediocre match with mediocre wrestlers.  The crowd is still super pumped for the match, but I can’t generate any interest.

Boss Man wins with a power slam and the Mountie is taken to prison.

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Uh… what are we actually going to charge him with?

Overall: This SummerSlam is taking a real shitty turn for the worse


5. Tag Team Match: The Road Warriors vs. The Nasty Boyz


WWE had an incredibly shallow Tag Team pool in 1991.  Demolition was on the way out, Hart Foundation split… the only other team of note was the Rockers.

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And God forbid they ever get a title

Legion of Doom pretty effectively takes apart the Nasty Boyz, and wins the title, making them the only Tag Team to win the belt in all three major promotions (WWE, WCW and NWA).

Overall: I’m going to start skipping through this garbage PPV.  This is as bad as Wrestlemania II


5. IRS vs. Greg Valentine


Aw, come on. I don’t need to watch this match again, I already watched Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham wrestle the Dream Team of Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake in 1985.

This is the introduction of Mike Rotundo as Irwin R. Schyster aka IRS – a wrestler-slash-accountant obsessed with paying taxes.

Accountant
You mean I could have been a wrestler?

After 9 minutes of boring wrestling, IRS beats Valentine clean with a small package

Given the absolute horrible garbage most of this card is, I’d like to point out who the WWE chose to leave in the dressing room in favor of these matches – Undertaker, The Rockers, Tito Santana and Jake Roberts.

Overall: Please, just end this stupid PPV


6. Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior vs. Sgt. Slaughter, Col. Mustafa and General Adnan with Sid Justice as guest referee


This match is mostly remembered for the controversy that followed. As the story goes, Warrior had told McMahon if he didn’t get a raise, he was going to no-show this event.  Having no choice, McMahon reluctantly agreed to his demands and Warrior wrestled the match.  As soon as it was over, he was fired on the spot.

The Warrior has disputed this version of events saying he quit, but at the post-match celebration in the ring, Warrior is nowhere to be seen.

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Unless he’s the dude outside the ring with the camera? I don’t know, it’s tough to tell what he looks like without his facepaint

Anyway, obviously Hogan won this, and to celebrate he posed down with the officiator, which is standard at most sporting events.

Overall: This entire Summerslam was just a miserable, exhausting experience.


7. Bonus event: Macho Man vs. Miss Elizabeth


Summerslam 1991 was also remembered for the marriage of Macho Man to Elizabeth, even though they had already been married since 1984.  But as my wife reminds me, a marriage isn’t official until Vince McMahon says so

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Hey, is this feather on my hat goddamn ridiculous?

Overall: A very strange end to a very uneven Summerslam