1. The Beverly Brothers (Beau and Blake) vs. The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott)
Hey! It’s the Steiners! The crazy, crazy fucking Steiners!
This match is a dull, shitty, dull dud. The Steiners barely lasted more than a year in the WWE, maybe it’s because they couldn’t find their grooves.
Or maybe it’s because they nearly fucking murdered one of the Beverly Brothers at the end of this match
Overall: I’ll give this match a 10 just for Frankensteiner at the end
2. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Marty Jannetty
The added wrinkle to this match is the Sensational Sherri. She’s involved in the storyline, somehow. The second wrinkle is Marty Jannetty’s outfit
This match was supposed to take place six months earlier, but was sidelined when Jannetty was arrested for murder. Or drunk driving. Something. I’m not a details guy.
According to Scott’s Blog of Doom, Jannetty was completely shitfaced for this match. You can kind of see where a few moves are bit off. I’m not sure if this makes the match more or less impressive.
After a quick run by Jannetty, Michaels takes complete control of the match. Knowing now that Jannetty wasn’t on his A-game, you can really see how Michaels carries the match. Jannetty hits a few power moves near the end of the match (superkick, DDT) but Michaels keeps kicking out.
The ref gets knocked unconscious, and Sherri accidentally hits Jannetty with his shoe. Michaels hits a very nonchalant superkick and gets the pin and retains the belt.
Overall: That really wasn’t worth the hype
3. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Big Boss Man
This is confusing. Big Boss Man is on his way down, which would mean Bam Bam is on his way.. up? I feel like this match is basically a replay of the horrible, horrible match at Wrestlemania IV between Bam Bam and One Man Gang.
These two big fat idiots mix it up pretty well, but it’s nothing spectacular. I’m mostly too distracted by trying to figure out how these two are related.
The only other thing of note is that Bam Bam has gotten noticeably fatter since his departure from the WWE.
As the match progresses, Bam Bam puts a very very long rest hold on the Boss Man. Boss Man powers out and transitions into an extremely clumsy suplex. Some more back and forth happens until Bam Bam gets the upper hand and goes to the top rope for a big, fat body press
Bam Bam gets the win
Overall: This is 50 minutes into the Royal Rumble and we still haven’t gotten to the actual Royal Rumble. This is terrible
4. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Razor Ramon
Can you believe it? This was Razor Ramon’s only match for the belt in whole time he was in the WWE. Maybe that’s why he left so quickly?
Razor starts off with some heavy offense but Bret dodges a charge into the turnbuckle which results in Razor hurting his leg. You see this technique in a lot of Bret matches against bigger guys – he goes after the knee.
Sadly, Razor forgets about this technique about 7 minutes into the match and completely no-sells the injury.
After Razor miraculously heals from he knee injury, the story shifts to Bret having damaged ribs. Razor takes advantage by applying a rib-based offense
The momentum shifts and Bret starts laying down a good beating. He goes for the Sharpshooter, but Ramon manages to scramble out. Razor returns the favor by going after the Razor’s Edge, but now it’s Bret’s turn to scramble out.
Bret ends up doing some really weird move that Gorilla calls a bow and arrow that leads to both guys tangled up on the ground. From that position, Bret converts somehow into a Sharpshooter, Razor submits and that’s it. Bret wins and keeps the belt
Overall: Pretty good match
Interlude: Introducing The Narcissist: Lex Lugar
Some of you might remember that when Lex Lugar was introduced in the WWE, it was as the “Narcissist”, a very short-lived character that they quickly transitioned away from.
The only reason I’m even covering this is that Lex Lugar looks exactly like the villain from Superman VI.
Okay, let’s keep going!
5. The Royal Rumble
The first 10 minutes: 1. Ric Flair / 2. Bob Backlund / 3. Papa Shango / 4. Million Dollar Man / 5. A Nasty Boy / 6. Virgil
Hey, this is an… interesting start to the match. Ric Flair and Bob Backlund. These guys once fought for the NWA belt in 1982! Papa Shango runs in but is eliminated almost immediately. It’s worth noting that fans in 1993 effing hated Papa Shango. Not as a heel, but just as a stupid, pointless, boring gimmick.
Million Dollar Man is out next. At this point, the average age of the wrestlers in the ring (Flair and Backlund were 43, Dibiase was 39) is 41. Electric! One of the Nasty Boys is next to bring the median age down and the crows is fairly apathetic. Will the next competitor ramp up the excitement?
The Nasty Boy is eliminated by Dibiase leaving 4 very dull wrestlers in the ring.
Minutes 10 – 20: 7. Jerry Lawler / 8. Max Moon / 9. Genichiro Tenryu / 10. Mr. Perfect
Jerry Lawler is also 43. 1993 WWE did not have a ton of new talent. Why not just slap a pair of tights on Gorilla Monsoon? He’s only like 73 at this point.
We’re up to number 8 and it’s Max Moon!
With this random stranger in the ring, Gorilla notes “This is starting to get interesting”. I couldn’t disagree more. Genichiro Tenryu runs in next and honestly, who the fuck are these people? Did McMahon just have an open casting call before this match started? Note that I never see Max Moon get eliminated, they don’t show it and Gorilla never mentions it. Great job, masked weirdo!
Finally Mr Perfect enters, and the crowd is ecstatic just to see an enterant they recognize. Perfect goes after Flair and everyone basically stops wrestling to watch them.
Minutes 21: 30: 11. Skinner / 12. Koko B Ware / 13. A Headshrinker / 14. The Berzerker / 15. The Undertaker
Keeping the talent level nice and terrible, Skinner comes in next. Mr Perfect eliminates Flair to easily the biggest pop of the night. “Finally, something happened” the crowd seems to be saying.
Koko comes out at number 12. I didn’t know he was still even wrestling. As I’m musing on the lack of talent in 1992 WWE, Mr. Perfect eliminates Skinner with a drop kick. Entrants 13 and 14 are a Headshrinker and the Berzerker. No eliminations through this period. Mr. Perfect makes another elimination and gets rid of Jerry Lawler. Dibiase throws Perfect out right after him. While that was happening, Virgil got eliminated off screen
Number 15 is the Undertaker
The crowd gives their biggest pop of the night, hoping this match will turn around. He immediately starts clearing house starting with The Headshrinker and Tenryu.
Minutes 30 – 40: 16. Terry Taylor / 17. Damien Demento / 18. IRS / 19. Tatanka / 20. The Other Nasty Boy
Terry Taylor is number 16 and is not wrestling as the Red Rooster anymore. Basically the second he enters the ring, he is eliminated, along with Koko B Ware. Undertaker then throws out Dibiase. Only Undertaker and Berzerker are left and Undertaker gets rid of him quickly.
They use this moment to introduce Giant Gonzalez. A one-shot, very stupid wrestler introduced simply because Undertaker was running out of credible competition and they needed a match for the upcoming WrestleMania
These two very briefly face off in the ring and Gonzalez immediately eliminates Undertaker. They keep fighting outside the ring.
Meanwhile, the only actual participant in the Royal Rumble is #17 – Damien Demento and poor Bob Backlund. IRS is the next entrant, but no one is getting in the ring because Gonzalez keeps beating up the Undertaker. The whole match has grind to a halt.
Finally the match continues, but they just leave Undertaker unconscious in the corner
Tatanka and The Nasty Boy are out next. God help up, Tatanka is the biggest name in the ring right now.
Minutes 40 – 50 21: Typhoon / 22. The Other Headshrinker / 23. Earthquake / 24. Carlos Colon / 25. Tito Santana
I’ll fast forward you through the next 10 minutes. A bunch of people come out and some people get eliminated and none of it is entertaining or watchable. Well except Tito Santana. He’s delightful
Minutes 50 – end: 26. Rick Martel / 27. Yokozuna / 28. Owen Hart / 29. Repo Man / 30. Randy Savage
After Rick Martel comes in, #27 is Yokozuna. It’s slightly entertaining to watch him clear house, but not enough to save the event. His eliminations are extremely clumsy.
Eventually it comes down to just Yokozuna and Macho Man. The match ends with a very strange move – Macho Man gets Yokozuna on his back and goes for – a pin. In a Royal Rumble.
Even the crowd was kind of shocked the ending was this stupid.
Overall: That was a very tough Royal Rumble to get through. That was awful