Survivor Series 1993 Recap


1. Razor Ramon, Randy Savage, Marty Jannetty, and The 1–2–3 Kid vs. IRS, Diesel, Rick Martel, and Adam Bomb


Adam Bomb makes his debut appearance in this kick off match of the 1993 Survivor Series and Macho Man makes his return to the ring after a long hiatus.  He gets a huge, explosive pop from the audience

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On the other hand, 123 Kid gets what could generously be called icy disdain

There is just a ton of talent in the ring.  Razor and Rick Martel start things off and get the crowd fired up with a bunch of quick moves.  Adam Bomb comes out next and the match degenerates into a big guy pushing contest.  Meh.  Fast forward.

Razor goes for the pin and Martel comes out to drop an elbow and break the fall.  Razor rolls out of the way and hits Adam Bomb.  All four of the Adam Bomb team start fighting.  They’re pretty angry at each other. How embarrassing!

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Almost as embarrassing as Macho wearing the same outfit as Marty Jannetty.  Rowr!

123 Kid comes out next and just gets the absolute piss kicked out of him.  It’s really, really entertaining.  Savage comes out and clears house and – much to my genuine surprise – nails Diesel with the elbow and pins him clean

“What a confusing match up this has been” says Vince McMahon.  I completely agree.  We are about 15 minutes into the match and Jannetty has not made a tag yet.  As Macho wrestles, he is distracted by Crush who comes down to ringside – they have a feud going on.

Entertainingly, Crush is on his 3rd iteration of costume / character, and I still don’t think he’s nailing it

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Well fuck you too, WWE Replay!

IRS grabs Macho while he’s distracted and pins him.  Some quick action follows – Razor hits the Razor’s Edge on IRS and gets the pin.  Then IRS hits Razor with a metal briefcase and Razor gets counted out.

It’s down to Jannetty and 123 Kid vs. Martel and Adam Bomb!

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Seriously?  Me?

The ending is a bit of surprise.  123 Kid gets beaten so badly he forgets how to drive.  Again – it’s really, really entertaining.  The match ends with a surprise pin by Jannetty on Adam Bomb and 123 Kid on Martel

Overall: That was a really fun match and a great start to the event


2. The Hart Family (Bret Hart, Owen Hart, Bruce Hart, and Keith Hart) vs Shawn Michaels and His Knights (Shawn Michaels, The Red Knight, The Blue Knight, and The Black Knight)


Why would anyone have thought this was a good idea?  Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart with a bunch of miscellaneous, masked strangers.

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Maybe I’m an actual wrestler, maybe I’m a volleyball player.  You don’t know.

The “Blue Knight” is actually Greg Valentine, but no one knows that.  So let’s pretend I’m a viewer at this event in 1993.  I’m turning over my Pearl Jam cassette on my walkman, loosening my flannel shirt and cheesing my hunger away.  All I’m thinking is if I can get home for the Party of Five premiere.  Why would I even want to watch this?

If you haven’t watched this match, my description won’t do it justice.  The crowd is completely silent, and isn’t reacting to any of the bumps

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THRILL to the action of retired unknown Keith Hart putting a sloppy arm bar on the unknown masked stranger!

This match is 30 unconscionable minutes long and I don’t have enough jokes to make it through the full thing.  Every joke is going to be just pictures of Shawn Michaels “knights” and how they’re fat, stupid assholes.

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I’m a fat, stupid asshole

See?

The Hart Family beats Shawn’s team one at a time until it’s just Shawn Michaels left.  Michaels eliminates Owen Hart with a sneaky pin when Owen bangs into Bret Hart.  Owen gets pissed at Bret and this starts to set up the feud between the two.  The match ends when Shawn Michaels says “screw this” and leaves.

Overall:  What a miserable way to spend 30 minutes


3. The Heavenly Bodies (Jimmy Del Ray and Tom Prichard) vs The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express (Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson)


Hmm.  1993 Survivor Series, you are making it challenging to watch you.  This match is for the “Smokey Mountain Wrestling” championship!!

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Yeah, I don’t actually know who these guys are

Just goes to show you, the WWE roster was brutally thin in 1993.  It really was a growth year.  I’m not going to spend a ton of time with this match, because who are any of these people.  Delightfully, the match goes on for 15 minutes.

The Heavenly Bodies win when they hit one of the guys I’ve never heard of with a tennis racket.  I guess they’re the new Smokey Mountain Champions?

Overall:  At this point, I’ll be glad if the next match has any actual popular wrestlers in it


4. The Four Doinks (The Bushwhackers (Luke and Butch) and Men on a Mission (Mabel and Mo) vs Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger, and The Headshrinkers (Samu and Fatu)


Ah Christ.  It’s the fucking goddamn Bushwhackers dressed up as Doink the goddamn clown.  Jesus shit.

I am not going to be able to watch this match.  I just can’t

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Honestly, who could blame me?

Overall: The Doink team won, but I didn’t actually watch this mess


5. The All-Americans (Lex Luger, The Undertaker and The Steiner Brothers (Rick Steiner and Scott Steiner)) vs The Foreign Fanatics (Yokozuna, Crush, Ludvig Borga, and Quebecer Jacques)


The Undertaker comes out to the biggest pop of the night.  Just deafening.  It’s impossible to oversell how popular the Undertaker was at this point in his career.  He has the whole auditorium on their feet.  Luger also gets a good reaction, but it’s not the same.

This starts off great, lots of quick action to keep the crowd excited.  Very quickly, Rick Steiner is pinned with what looks like some kind of screwed up move by Ludvig Borga

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So I’m not actually sure what happened there.

Next up is the elimination of Crush.  In a turnabout of fair play, Macho Man comes in to interfere with the match and gets Crush counted out.  It’s down to 3 v 3.

Jacques beats up Scott Steiner for awhile when Lex comes in.  He wrestles for like 3 minutes and pins Jacques after an elbow off the second rope.  All these eliminations are pretty tame so far.

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Tame like Steiner setting up for a Superplex off the top rope.  Yawn

Yokozuna comes in right after this move and immediately gets the pin on Steiner.  It’s Lex and Undertaker against Yokozuna and Crush.  We’re about 17 minutes into the match and Undertaker has not been in the ring yet.

Finally at about the 20 minute mark he comes in against Yokozuna.  The crowd screams through the whole thing.  Yokozuna hits a fat ass press on the Undertaker but he gets right up.  They spill out of the ring and both get counted out.

That whole thing was pretty fun.

We’re down to Ludvig Borga vs. Lex Lugar which.. meh.  It’s an okay final run.  Lex Lugar nails a cheap flying forearm that makes me wish sweet, sweet Tito Santana was in this PPV.

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ARIB…. ah, it’s just not the same

Overall: That was a very fun match.  So I loved the first and last match and the middle was pure, horrific misery.

SummerSlam 1993 Recap


1.  Ted Dibiase vs. Razor Ramon


Finally, they’ve officially made Razor Ramon a face.  He brings the crowd to their feet as he saunters to the ring with casual arrogance

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Dibiase on the other hand, looks like he should be starring in a local theater version of “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas”

Ramon controls this match from start to finish.  Dibiase never had a chance.  He’s basically there just to firmly put Ramon over.  He’s almost a jobber.

Dibiase puts on a little bit of offense, but it’s just killing time until Ramon takes over and slaps on the Razor’s Edge.

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The move, not the 1984 Bill Murray film

Overall: Always fun to watch a Razor Ramon match


2. Tag Team Title Match: Heavenly Bodies (Tom Pritchard and Jimmy Del Rey) vs. Steiner Brothers


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It’s great when MacMahon needs to fill a slot and rushes in some nobodies.   The Heavenly Bodies were only in the WWE for about 2 years and were utterly unforgettable.  The Steiner brothers tear them apart for awhile before losing momentum.

Scott Steiner is thrown out of the ring and while the ref is counting angrily at him…

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Get back in here you piece of shit!

.. and one of the Heavenly bodies hits Rick with a tennis racket.  It doesn’t matter though, Rick is like “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” and the Steiners hit the Frankensteiner for the win

Overall: “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” is a comeback that works in 95% of situations


3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Perfect


Well this could be an interesting little match.  These guys are two very technical, very talented guys.  I’m hoping for a good show.

Whenever two guys like this wrestle, it’s all capital-W wrestling.  Lots of quick reversals, fast moves and random backflips off the top rope

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Wheee!

It wouldn’t be a Shawn Michaels match if he didn’t completely over sell every move.  He’s great.  Midway through the match, Michaels starts aggressively going after Mr. Perfects back.  Perfect manages to power through and slaps the Perfect Plex on Michaels.  Diesal interferes and the match ends with a count out of Perfect.  Garbage.  The crowd immediately starts booing.

Overall: Good match, shitty ending


4. IRS vs. 123 Kid


123 Kid makes his PPV debut.  I just realized this is also the first PPV that starred (almost) all the members of The Kliq – Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Razor Ramon and this skinny loser

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Seriously, try to guess which one is the wrestler

123 Kid matches tended to follow a pretty standard template.  The bigger wrestler (everyone) beats Kid like a 6 year old wrestling against a stuffed bear and then the 123 Kid manages to fluke out a win.

Not this time though!

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Apparently a 120 pound weight difference matters

There wasn’t even a finishing move, IRS basically just punched him unconscious

Overall: The match was fine


5. Bret Hart vs. Jerry Lawler / Doink the Clown


Jesus Christ, Jerry Lawler has to be 55 years old at this point.  He comes down to the ring in crutches, and says he can’t wrestle and instead Doink will take his place.

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“This is the biggest ripoff I’ve ever seen” – Vince McMahon, expressing the viewpoint of thousand of fans

Here is a matchup I never had any interest in seeing.  Hart makes it interesting because the guy doesn’t know how to have a bad match, but even the high flying, top rope moves both guys put on doesn’t save this

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Maybe it saves it a little

Hart slaps on the Sharpshooter and Lawler beats him with a pair of crutches.  The match looks like it’s over, but Jack Tunny – then president of the WWE – tells Lawler if he doesn’t wrestle, he’s banned forever.

It makes sense.

The next 8 minutes are just Bret Hart beating the shit out of a senior citizen.  It also features some notable highlights – a pile driver, which is a move you barely saw by 1993 rolled around – and a totally shirtless Bret Hart

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Also rarely seen in 1993

The match ends when Hart slaps Jerry Lawler in the sharpshooter and refuses to break the hold.  He gets disqualified.  He would try this exact same move against Stone Cold in a future Wrestlemania

Overall: Interesting match, but Doink seriously sucks


6. Marty Jannetty vs. Ludvig Borga


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Jesus, Marty Jannetty just could not catch a break after breaking up with Shawn Michaels.  First he gets kicked out the WWE, gets placed under house arrest for attacking a cop and now he’s jobbing for this nobody.

WWE apparently had huge plans for Borga but they didn’t really pan out due to a tepid fan reaction and horrible storylines.

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WWE writers would later go on to work for DC

This is a really one sided match, Borga basically takes Jannetty apart and wins with backbreaker submission.

Overall: Poor, poor Marty Jannetty


7. The Undertaker vs. The Giant Gonzalez


WWE Replay has managed to find an actual transcript of the conversation that resulted in this match:

McMahon: Everyone hated Undertaker vs. Gonzalez in Wrestlemania IX, so what should we do with him in Summerslam?

Writer 1: How about the exact same goddamn match?

McMahon: Maybe you didn’t hear me though? Everyone hated the match, like it was rated one of the worst of the year and Wrestlemania was just in March.

Writer 2: What if we do the same match again?

McMahon: Is there…. can you even hear me?  Everyone hated everything about the first match. We need a fresh, new angle.

Writer 1: What if we do the same match, but change it up by making his gross body suit slightly darker?

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electrifying

McMahon: < sigh> Fine. Whatever. I have to start my steroid cycle.

Undertaker gets up over and over again and wins the match.

Overall: I love the Undertaker, but I’m very glad that this feud is over.  The urn is great though, what a fun gimmick.

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Awesome

8. Tatanka and The Smoking Gunns (Billy Gunn and Bart Gunn) vs. Bam Bam Bigelow and The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu) (with Afa and Luna Vachon)


Ugggghhhhhhhhh.

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Gimme a break
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He’s actually carrying a tomahawk now?
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Fuck all the way off

I just realized Bam Bam Bigalow is the only person in this match who isn’t a stereotype or a racist caricature.

This match is unwatchable garbage, and Tatanka and the Smoking Guns win

Overall: Unwatchable.  Garbage.


9. Lex Lugar vs. Yokozuna


And we finally hit the point in Lex Lugar’s career where he gets his huge push as the next Hulk Hogan.  On the mic, Bobby Heenan reminds him of his tenuous destiny by saying “Lugar, you have one chance – don’t blow it!”.

He gets off on the right foot by coming in to an instrumental version of this song which is a children’s song about ducks and being kind to them.

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Yokozuna is not impressed by your rabidly pro-duck entrance song

Gang, there’s not a ton to love about this match.  Lugar was pushed way to quickly and they were trying to build him up as the next Hogan too quickly.  He was a wrestler that was all look and very little talent.

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Fortunately, Vince McMahon learned his lesson and never, ever made the same mistake again

The whole match is snoozeville, backed by a pretty quiet, bored crowd.  Lugar eventually wins a technical victory by a count out, but Yokozuna keeps the belt

Overall: Terrible!  But it wasn’t a bad SummerSlam

 

Wrestlemania IX Recap

When I was younger, I remember thinking this Wrestlemania was fantastic. Will it hold up all these years later?


1. Intercontinental Championship Match:  Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka


Shawn Michaels debuts another Wrestlemania, this time against the lazily racist caricature that is Tatanka.  As usual, Sherri is hovering by ringside, watching him wrestle, but not actually in his corner.  That interaction has been going on for like a year now.

Shawn Michaels does his usual bit here – petulant complaining to the ref and over-the-top falls when he sells moves.   It’s a fun match.

…or so I thought.  22 goddamn agonizing minutes later and my enthusiasm has waned.  Opening matches should be quick and high energy to get the crowd immediately excited.

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It should not be 12 minutes of chin locks

On the mic, Bobby Heenan and Macho Man say what we’re all thinking:

Macho Man: “This match should have been over by now”
Bobby Heenan:”It should have been over 30 moves ago”

Michaels barely touches the ref outside the ring and gets counted out or something?  It’s out of nowhere and it’s a crappy ending

Overall: Not a great start.  Horrible booking


2. The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott) vs. The Headshrinkers (Samu and Fatu)


Hoo boy.  Let’s get this over with.  Macho Man is more optimistic than me and says “This should be  a great match.  Even better than the last one”

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You think?

Scott and Fatu start in the ring and exchange some blows.  Scott gives Fatu a clotheline, which announcer Jim Ross calls a “Steiner Line”.  I  am briefly entertained by the thought that every move they do will be re-branded by Jim Ross to be Steiner-related.  An arm bar will become a Stein-bar.  A chin lock will be a Rick Lock.  A suplex will be a Stein-plex.

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A botched move will be a Steinicide

I am honestly not sure if Fatu fucked up there or not.  Generally the way that move works, you drop the guy on the top rope, not launch him right over the top.  Macho Man and Jim Ross actually comment on that for the next couple of minutes.

After that move, Scott is a destroyed mess and the Headshrinkers just lay on a pounding.  Eventually Scott makes the tag and Rick gets to play the hero rescue role.  Jim Ross refers to Rick Steiner as Dog Face, which is great.  Why not just call him “Fuc’t brow” or “Sea Monster”?

While I’m making jokes, Fatu puts Rick on his shoulders and when Samu goes for the clothesline, Rick catches him (on another guys shoulders) and power slams him.  It’s a very unexpected and very cool move.

Fresh on the heels of that, Scott hits a Frankensteiner and the match is over.

Overall: Not a horrible match.  It had 3 huge moves that were great


3. Doink the Clown vs. Crush


Look gang!  It’s Doink the Clown – in his SECOND Wrestlemania.  What’s that?  When was his first?  Glad you asked, hypothetical reader who talks to his computer.  He was in the very first Wrestlemania against Ricky Steamboat!

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Matt Osborne, wondering “What if Doink was one of us”

There is nothing spectacular to recap in this match.  Neither wrestler is that good, the moves are all telegraphed and clumsy and neither character is that interesting.

The ref gets knocked down, Doink gets knocked out of the ring and in the confusion a 2nd Doink comes out from under the apron.  The 2nd Doink interferes, clobbers Crush, it’s the dumbest thing I’ve seen and who cares.  Who.  Cares.

Overall: Two Doinks!


4. Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund


Yep.  This is an actual Wrestlemania match.  Ramon, ostensibly the heel, comes out to a huge pop, Bob Backlund comes out to what can best be classified as polite indifference.  The WWE has always been a little tone deaf when it comes to who the fans like.

I wish there was something entertaining to say about this match.  Bob Backlund goes on a tiny amount of offence and the crowd is stone cold silent.  Out of nowhere, Ramon hits a small package and gets the win

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If they can’t be bothered to come up with a match, I can’t be bothered to come up with a joke

Overall:  That was garbage


5. Tag Team Championship Match: Money Inc (Ted Dibiase and IRS) vs. The Mega Friends Powers Maniacs (Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake)


Money incorporated put their belts on the line in the second title defense of the night.  Hogan and Beefcake are sporting a black eye and stupid face mask, respectively

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It’s a toss up which looks worse

In real life, Hogan had been in a jet ski accident.  They worked the injury into the match by saying Money Inc attacked him in the dressing room backstage.

At this point of his career, Hogan has given up any pretense of actual wrestling and is just throwing haymakers.  Even Macho points out “not many wrestling holds from the Hulkster”

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Maybe I wasted my career by actually trying to be a talented wrestler?

Halfway through the match, Money Inc decides to bail on the match and go back to the dressing room.  Taking the mic, the ref lets them know that (contrary to the actual rules of WWE) “If Money Inc does not return to the ring, they will forfeit the belt”.

I think every professional sport would be improved if the ref had the ability to alter the rules of the game on the fly.

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Patriots – penalty, offside.  Also, if Tom Brady does not full-on make out with Drew Bledsoe on the 50 yard line, the Patriots are banned from the NFL forever.

The match continues and Ted Dibiase makes the cardinal mistake of putting Hogan in a choke hold.  Really surprisingly, Hogan doesn’t Hulk The Fuck Out.   Beefcake comes in and clears house, but Money Inc. regains the advantage.

Money Inc. takes off Beefcakes  mask and start punching him in the face.  Beefcake oversells every punch and I guess the gist is that his face bones are really soft and squishy now?  Because he’s healing or something?

Hogan gets the tag and then a bunch of weird things happen.  The ref is knocked out, Hogan hits Money Inc with the “titanium” face mask, the Mega Maniacs collectively pin Money Inc, Jimmy Hart reverses his jacket so it’s a referee stripes and then counts for the 3.  A new ref comes out and says Money Inc is disqualified so they keep the belts.

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Mega Maniacs triumphantly celebrate their technical loss

Overall: I think this match might have been the high point of this PPV which is really unfortunate


6. Mr. Perfect vs. Lex Lugar


The match hasn’t started and I’m already disappointed.  I’m pretty sure Perfect is going to put Lugar over.  Poor Mr Perfect.  He deserves better.

Lugar was still doing his “Narcissist” bit at this point so we are treated to 5 minutes of posing

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I thought Beefcake was in the last match?

At the start of the match, Macho Man calls Bobby Heenan “Camel breath”. I have no idea what that insult means in this context.   Normally, that’s something Jesse Ventura would say to the Iron Sheik or something.  It’s completely random.  Why not call him “Panda breath” or “Unicorn Breath”?

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Are camels even known for the quality of their breath?  While I continue to wonder about this, I guess there’s some wrestling going on in the background

Macho and Heenan basically bicker for the whole match.  They barely call the action.  I’m not sure if this is a bit or if they are genuinely irritated with each other.

More wresting continues in the background.  It’s pretty routine stuff, nothing that great.  Perfect is having trouble dragging a math out of Lugar.

It ends when Lugar reverses a back… slide… flip-pin?

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I don’t actually know what it’s called

Overall: This Wrestlemania is just dragging on and on


7. Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez


I have almost nothing to say about this match

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I’m going to let the disgusting flesh suit do the talking for me

Gonzalez is as much a wrestler as I am.  He quite obviously has no idea what he’s doing.  This entire match is a farce.  The whole thing is punch after punch.

It ends when Gonzalez chloroforms The Undertaker.  Sure.  Why the fuck not.

The booking in this event was abysmal.  There were so few clean wins.  We now have 7 matches and 3 disqualifications, 2 suspicious endings and 1 clean pin.  Fuck you, Wrestlemania IX.

Overall: I love the Undertaker, but this was embarrassing


8. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna


Did I say embarrassing?  I forgot about this travesty of a match.  Rather than bother with a recap, I’ll just let Bret Hart tell you about it

Bret Hart on the Controversy behind Dropping the Belt to Hulk Hogan via Yokozuna at Wrestlemania 9 and Hogan’s Flat-out Refusal to Put Him over in a Match

“On April 2, 1993, [I] went to my room just in time to answer a call from Vince, who asked me to come to his suite to talk.I knocked on his door and he answered it with that goofy grin. We sat down, and Vince said, “This is what I want to do. I want you to drop the belt to Yoko tomorrow.”

This was not what I had expected. I sat there dumbstruck as he went on to explain how Fuji would screw me by throwing salt in my face, blinding me. After Yoko was handed the belt, Hogan would rush to my aid and in some kind of roundabout way Hogan would end up winning the belt from Yoko right then and there!

Like I was handing Vince my sword, I told him I appreciated everything he did for me and I’d do whatever he wanted. Vince said, “Don’t get bitter. I still have big plans for you.” Sound bites flashed through my mind of Vince assuring me that I was the long-term champion, and not to worry about Hogan, who still hadn’t even spoken to me yet.

As I stood up to leave, I asked, “Did you take the belt from me because I didn’t do a good enough job?”

“Of course not! I’m just going in a different direction. It’s still onwards and upwards for you. Nothing is going to change too much for you.”

I was totally crushed

As I lay in bed that night, the more I thought about what Vince had in mind for Hogan, the more I felt that it would completely backfire on both of them. The hokey finish would stink, maybe not immediately, but in the weeks to come my fans, who were the biggest contingent in Vince’s paying audience at that time, would gag on it. There was something different about my fans. They really believed in me as a person.

By the time I got to the dressing room the following afternoon, word that I was losing the title had leaked out to the boys. Most of them were quiet and some were angry. The Nasty Boys, Shawn, Taker and several others expressed their utter disappointment. Knowing I was losing the belt didn’t stop me from planning on having a great match. I went over everything with Yoko and designed the match so that all the best moves were left for the final minute.

Hulk arrived with his entourage: his wife, manager, Beefcake and Jimmy Hart. Clearly he’d been in the know all along, probably from the first day he came back. Now he was suddenly acting like my long-lost old pal and wearing a big smile that rightfully belonged to me.”

Overall: This match was garbage and this was a terrible event

 

 

 

Survivor Series 1992 Recap

 


1. High Energy (Owen Hart and Koko B Ware) vs. The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu)


“High Energy” huh?   What was the creative meeting like when they came up with this name?  Was “Exciting Wrestlers” already taken?  Did WCW have rights to “Dynamic Athletes?”

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Jumping Happy Wrestle Friends?

This match is fine I guess.  I didn’t pay a ton of attention because I was trying to think up more stupid tag team names that are worse than “High Energy”.  Young Stallions?  Power and Glory?  Strike Force?

Whatever.  These stupid morons get their asses handed to them by the Headshrinkers.  This makes Koko B Wares last PPV (not counting Royal Rumbles).  So long you bird-themed weirdo.

Overall: Garbage


2. Nailz vs. Big Boss Man


I guess it was in 1992 when Survivor Series stopped the Survivor Series part of the event?

The gimmick here is this is a “nightstick” match where a nightstick is placed at the top of a pole in the corner of the ring.  Whoever manages to get it can use it to beat their opponent.

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The precursor to ladder matches

Given the two people in the ring, it’s no surprise that wrestling is as far away from this match as subtly is from a Michael Bay movie.  It’s power move, try to get the stick.   Power move – stick.  Power – stick.  Powerstick.

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Shit, I have a great idea!

Eventually, Boss Man gets the stick and then he beats Nailz with it.  Yay, I guess.

Overall: Nothing is happening that is making me like Survivor Series to any greater degree


3. Tatanka vs. Rick Martel


Sigh.  Just go read my review from Wrestlemania VIII, it’s the same thing.

For no reason connected with the fight, Doink the Clown comes down to ringside

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AKA the dumbest wrestling gimmick ever

Neither wrestler pays any attention to Doink the Clown and he doesn’t pay any attention to them.  Meanwhile, the crowd doesn’t know what to look at and as a result is pretty quiet, not really focusing on the match

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Which is a shame, because Tatanka is really showing them something

Both guys put on a decent work that ends when Tatanka hits Rick Martel with a back drop.  Doink had nothing to do with the event.

Overall: I guess fine?  And good job Doink?


4. Macho Man and Mr. Perfect vs. Ric Flair and Razor Ramon


This match was supposed to be Macho Man and the Ultimate Warrior, but Warrior had just left the company due to a drug scandal.  Mr. Perfect was added at the last minute.  This was also the start of Mr. Perfect’s run as a babyface.  We’ll see how Mr. Perfect does given how rusty he is.  His last match was against Bret Hart in the 91 SummerSlam as a heel.

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Razor Ramon also was still trying to figure out how many toothpicks he needed (he would eventually settle on 6)

Perfect starts the match off, getting the upper hand – first on Razor Ramon and then on Ric Flair.  Macho tags in and loses the momentum, leading to a very long run where he gets to play the “hero in distress” half of the tag team, giving Mr. Perfect the perfect (ha?) chance to play up his new babyface role.

As Macho is beaten senseless, Mr Perfect teases like he’s going to leave, getting the crowd good and worked up.  After a long run of abuse, Macho finally makes the tag and Mr. Perfect comes in to clear house.  Perfect accidentally runs into the ref and knocks him out.

Perfect nails the Perfectplex, but with no ref, there’s no pin.

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There is a shitload of crazy ab-work though

Chairs are eventually thrown in to the ring and the match ends with a disqualification.  Macho and Perfect get the win

Overall: Pretty good


5. Yokozuna vs. Virgil


Ha!  Goddamn, Virgil has no chance.  There isn’t even a hint of a match to be had here.

This is Yokozuna’s debut and he is a giant, fat intimidating wrestler.  Will Virgil start off by trying to knock over the giant fat guy and then be surprised when he doesn’t knock down the giant fat guy?

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Called it

Poor Virgil.  Yokozuna just destroys him.  There’s a great moment at the end when Yokozuna drops the big leg on Virgil and you can hear the whole audience go “ooooohhh”.

Overall: A nice, big debut for nice, big Yokozuna


6. The Nasty Boys and Natural Disasters vs. Money Inc. and the Beverly Brothers


My DVD went screwy for this match and I had to skip it.  I was really, really happy about that because I really, really didn’t want to watch it.  According to Wikipedia, The Nasty Boys and Natural Disaster won.  I don’t care.  I think this was the only “Survivor Series” part of the match?

Overall: Here’s a picture of Voltron, which is maybe more entertaining than the match we didn’t watch

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There’s no friggin “maybe” about it

 


7. Undertaker vs. Kamala – Coffin Match


The promo for this match has Undertaker building the actual coffin that will be used in the coffin match.  Why would a zombie monster giant be good at woodworking?

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Why the heck wouldn’t I be? 

I guess the Undertaker liked to explore other vocations if this whole wrestling thing didn’t pan out.

This match is simultaneously dull and great.  Early Undertaker matches were all about pairing the Undertaker against some monster and then having the Undertaker take a crazy amount of punishment before getting up.  There is nothing even remotely resembling wrestling.

Kamala gets the quick upper hand and splashes the Undertaker a bunch of times.  Undertaker gets up, grabs the urn and hits Kamala.  Kamala is unconscious and Undertaker gets the pin.

Next up – nailing Kamala into the urn.  The Undertaker must be nervous, he hammers with all the accuracy of Donald Trump’s casual racism

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I honestly never knew so much of wrestling was basic carpentry

Overall: I just can’t be unhappy with an Undertaker match


8. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels


Some backstory here – Bret Hart dropped the Intercontinental belt to Davey Boy Smith at Summerslam, but then quickly beat Ric Flair for the championship belt.  Shawn Michaels then beat Davey Boy, setting up this match.

We’re starting one of my favorite periods of wrestling.  Due to the steroid scandals of the early 90’s, MacMahon was – for a very short period of time – showing preference for smaller, more agile wrestlers who weren’t obviously made entirely of human growth hormones.

The beginning of this match is just pure wrestling.  No power moves at all, just tons of grappling, takedowns and quick reversals.  It’s great.  It’s a match you would never see today.

Bret really controls the early part of the match using his wrestling power and Shawn Michaels gets frustrated.

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He’s either frustrated or finishing

He uses the power of wrestling frustration to put Bret Hart in a headlock that lasts like 8 minutes.  I’m bored.

Bret turns the table on Michaels with a suplex and goes on a heavy offense.  We’re about a the 20 minute mark and these guys have used a ton of moves on each other.

At the end of the match, Michaels hits Hart with as super kick and then a huge suplex.  After some last scrambling, Michaels goes for a drop kick off the top rope which Bret Hart surprisingly catches and converts into a sharpshooter.

Michaels submits and Hart retains the belt.

Overall: Great match, especially the last 8 minutes.  The 10 minute run in the middle was a bit dry