SummerSlam – WWE Replay

SummerSlam 1993 Recap

April 17, 2016April 17, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. Ted Dibiase vs. Razor Ramon

Finally, they’ve officially made Razor Ramon a face. He brings the crowd to their feet as he saunters to the ring with casual arrogance

vlcsnap-2016-03-13-12h40m54s67 — Dibiase on the other hand, looks like he should be starring in a local theater version of “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas”

Ramon controls this match from start to finish. Dibiase never had a chance. He’s basically there just to firmly put Ramon over. He’s almost a jobber.

Dibiase puts on a little bit of offense, but it’s just killing time until Ramon takes over and slaps on the Razor’s Edge.

300px-TRE — The move, not the 1984 Bill Murray film

Overall: Always fun to watch a Razor Ramon match

2. Tag Team Title Match: Heavenly Bodies (Tom Pritchard and Jimmy Del Rey) vs. Steiner Brothers

It’s great when MacMahon needs to fill a slot and rushes in some nobodies. The Heavenly Bodies were only in the WWE for about 2 years and were utterly unforgettable. The Steiner brothers tear them apart for awhile before losing momentum.

Scott Steiner is thrown out of the ring and while the ref is counting angrily at him…

vlcsnap-2016-03-30-20h03m50s206 — Get back in here you piece of shit!

.. and one of the Heavenly bodies hits Rick with a tennis racket. It doesn’t matter though, Rick is like “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” and the Steiners hit the Frankensteiner for the win

Overall: “whatever man, I don’t even like tennis” is a comeback that works in 95% of situations

3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Perfect

Well this could be an interesting little match. These guys are two very technical, very talented guys. I’m hoping for a good show.

Whenever two guys like this wrestle, it’s all capital-W wrestling. Lots of quick reversals, fast moves and random backflips off the top rope

vlcsnap-2016-04-02-14h32m16s122 — Wheee!

It wouldn’t be a Shawn Michaels match if he didn’t completely over sell every move. He’s great. Midway through the match, Michaels starts aggressively going after Mr. Perfects back. Perfect manages to power through and slaps the Perfect Plex on Michaels. Diesal interferes and the match ends with a count out of Perfect. Garbage. The crowd immediately starts booing.

Overall: Good match, shitty ending

4. IRS vs. 123 Kid

123 Kid makes his PPV debut. I just realized this is also the first PPV that starred (almost) all the members of The Kliq – Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Razor Ramon and this skinny loser

vlcsnap-2016-04-02-14h45m44s238 — Seriously, try to guess which one is the wrestler

123 Kid matches tended to follow a pretty standard template. The bigger wrestler (everyone) beats Kid like a 6 year old wrestling against a stuffed bear and then the 123 Kid manages to fluke out a win.

Not this time though!

vlcsnap-2016-04-02-14h50m46s246 — Apparently a 120 pound weight difference matters

There wasn’t even a finishing move, IRS basically just punched him unconscious

Overall: The match was fine

5. Bret Hart vs. Jerry Lawler / Doink the Clown

Jesus Christ, Jerry Lawler has to be 55 years old at this point. He comes down to the ring in crutches, and says he can’t wrestle and instead Doink will take his place.

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-19h58m31s65 — “This is the biggest ripoff I’ve ever seen” – Vince McMahon, expressing the viewpoint of thousand of fans

Here is a matchup I never had any interest in seeing. Hart makes it interesting because the guy doesn’t know how to have a bad match, but even the high flying, top rope moves both guys put on doesn’t save this

double jump — Maybe it saves it a little

Hart slaps on the Sharpshooter and Lawler beats him with a pair of crutches. The match looks like it’s over, but Jack Tunny – then president of the WWE – tells Lawler if he doesn’t wrestle, he’s banned forever.

It makes sense.

The next 8 minutes are just Bret Hart beating the shit out of a senior citizen. It also features some notable highlights – a pile driver, which is a move you barely saw by 1993 rolled around – and a totally shirtless Bret Hart

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h20m34s30 — Also rarely seen in 1993

The match ends when Hart slaps Jerry Lawler in the sharpshooter and refuses to break the hold. He gets disqualified. He would try this exact same move against Stone Cold in a future Wrestlemania

Overall: Interesting match, but Doink seriously sucks

6. Marty Jannetty vs. Ludvig Borga

a853be09-0f0d-4a34-8c72-13d0dc68c3dc

Jesus, Marty Jannetty just could not catch a break after breaking up with Shawn Michaels. First he gets kicked out the WWE, gets placed under house arrest for attacking a cop and now he’s jobbing for this nobody.

WWE apparently had huge plans for Borga but they didn’t really pan out due to a tepid fan reaction and horrible storylines.

ryan-reynolds-opens-up-about-that-green-lantern-movie-780228 — WWE writers would later go on to work for DC

This is a really one sided match, Borga basically takes Jannetty apart and wins with backbreaker submission.

Overall: Poor, poor Marty Jannetty

7. The Undertaker vs. The Giant Gonzalez

WWE Replay has managed to find an actual transcript of the conversation that resulted in this match:

McMahon: Everyone hated Undertaker vs. Gonzalez in Wrestlemania IX, so what should we do with him in Summerslam?

Writer 1: How about the exact same goddamn match?

McMahon: Maybe you didn’t hear me though? Everyone hated the match, like it was rated one of the worst of the year and Wrestlemania was just in March.

Writer 2: What if we do the same match again?

McMahon: Is there…. can you even hear me? Everyone hated everything about the first match. We need a fresh, new angle.

Writer 1: What if we do the same match, but change it up by making his gross body suit slightly darker?

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h35m07s32 — electrifying

McMahon: < sigh> Fine. Whatever. I have to start my steroid cycle.

Undertaker gets up over and over again and wins the match.

Overall: I love the Undertaker, but I’m very glad that this feud is over. The urn is great though, what a fun gimmick.

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h43m44s106 — Awesome

8. Tatanka and The Smoking Gunns (Billy Gunn and Bart Gunn) vs. Bam Bam Bigelow and The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu) (with Afa and Luna Vachon)

Ugggghhhhhhhhh.

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h48m43s29 — Gimme a break

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h50m58s70 — He’s actually carrying a tomahawk now?

vlcsnap-2016-04-03-20h52m17s121 — Fuck all the way off

I just realized Bam Bam Bigalow is the only person in this match who isn’t a stereotype or a racist caricature.

This match is unwatchable garbage, and Tatanka and the Smoking Guns win

Overall: Unwatchable. Garbage.

9. Lex Lugar vs. Yokozuna

And we finally hit the point in Lex Lugar’s career where he gets his huge push as the next Hulk Hogan. On the mic, Bobby Heenan reminds him of his tenuous destiny by saying “Lugar, you have one chance – don’t blow it!”.

He gets off on the right foot by coming in to an instrumental version of this song which is a children’s song about ducks and being kind to them.

Yokozuna is not impressed by your rabidly pro-duck entrance song

Gang, there’s not a ton to love about this match. Lugar was pushed way to quickly and they were trying to build him up as the next Hogan too quickly. He was a wrestler that was all look and very little talent.

Reigns — Fortunately, Vince McMahon learned his lesson and never, ever made the same mistake again

The whole match is snoozeville, backed by a pretty quiet, bored crowd. Lugar eventually wins a technical victory by a count out, but Yokozuna keeps the belt

Overall: Terrible! But it wasn’t a bad SummerSlam

SummerSlam ’92 Recap

February 28, 2016February 28, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

WWE finally goes over the ocean to Wembly Stadium for the 1992 SummerSlam. This is an outdoor event, which I have always found slightly unnerving. Wrestling should be held in darkened stadiums, surrounded by drunken idiots. These are our people.

Attendance for this one was just over 80 thousand, making it (at least) the third largest event in WWE history.

1. Money Inc. (Ted Dibiase and IRS) vs. The Legion of Doom (Hawk and Animal)

This is a very standard LOD match. Tons of power moves, not a lot of technique. Money Inc. mostly go after Hawk (or Animal, I don’t know) with some dull, choke-hold based offense.

vlcsnap-2016-01-24-19h06m47s39 — Stare at this picture for 8 solid minutes and you get the idea

Pretty straightforward end to the match, the LOD throw Dibiase into IRS and then Animal (or Hawk, I don’t know) hits a powerslam and gets the pin

Overall: It’s a fine, standard start to the event

2. Virgil vs. Nailz

Nailz didn’t have much of a run in the WWE. He was in this PPV and then the ’92 Survivor Series, but shortly after was fired after attacking Vince McMahon over a financial dispute.

vlcsnap-2016-01-24-20h12m49s226 — I bet he even had a whole backstory for the gibberish written on the back of his jumpsuit

This match is a pretty solid work by Virgil, but Nailz demolishes him pretty quickly and wins with a sleeper hold.

Overall: Meh

3. Shawn Michaels with Sherri Martel vs. Rick Martel

This match has a “no punching in the face” rule because Sherri Martel liked both guys and both of them had a crush on her. They probably passed her notes in gym class?

This match is about 10x more entertaining than it has any right to be with such a stupid concept behind it. Both guys bring their A-game with a ton of fast moves and great playing to the audience. Great job guys!

vlcsnap-2016-01-24-20h25m40s11 — No problem, WWE Replay!

The match ends with both guys about to hit each other in the face, when Sherri faints. Both guys go to check on her and Martel gives her CPR – a technique that has never ever been recommended for a simple case of the vapors. Both men are counted out and Sherri is left by herself.

Overall: A fun match that brought up the pace of the event

4. Tag Team Championship Match: Beverly Brothers (Bo and Blake) vs. The Natural Disasters (Earthquake and Tugboat)

Hoo boy. I do not care for the Natural Disasters and I don’t really remember the Beverly Brothers. I’m looking forward to this the same way Daniel Day Lewis looks forward to movies where he doesn’t get a chance to wear goddamn massive, ridiculous hats

Daniel Day Lewis Hats — Seriously, I think he gets paid by the hat-inch

The Beverly Brothers do an okay job keeping this match interesting, but they’re not working with much. They go on a monotonously long offensive run against Tugboat and when the ref is distracted, they hit him with a foreign object.

As they go for the pin, Earthquake interferes and comes in to demolish everyone. After some various fat-based attacks, they get the pin on Blake or Bo (can’t tell which is which) and they keep the belts

Overall: Given I didn’t at all expect to enjoy this and it wasn’t entirely awful, I’m pretty happy with it

5. Repo Man vs. Crush

This is sort of interesting because here’s Repo and Crush now:

vlcsnap-2016-01-27-20h27m51s35 — I don’t get why Repo Man has a hook

Here’s Repo and Crush 5 years earlier

demolition crush — We were demolition, remember?

They were demolition, remember?

The match itself is fine. It’s a perfectly serviceable match. Crush wins by smooshing Repo Man’s head.

Overall: I’m going on record as saying Repo Man is one of the dumbest ideas WWE has had

6. Heavyweight Championship Match: Macho Man vs. Ultimate Warrior

Heading into this match, Ultimate Warrior and Macho Man had some relationship problems. Through a series of incredibly unlikely series of events, (all of which included unconscious referees) neither Macho Man or Ultimate Warrior trusted each other and thought the other one hired Mr. Perfect to be in their corner.

annual-doctor-visit — “Just exactly how many times were you knocked unconscious last month? If the answer is more than ‘none’ that’s *too many times*“

Gang, will this match be as good as Macho / Warrior from Wrestlemania VII? It’s essentially the same thing except the crowd is actively booing Macho Man.

One difference is the pace, it’s a very aggressive, fast paced match. Not a single arm bar or chin lock. Just non stop body slams and big impact moves. Within 10 minutes both guys seem exhausted.

As the match continues, Macho seems to have injured his back and Warrior seems to have hurt his neck. Both guys are at the end of their energy when Mr. Perfect finally comes out and everyone is wondering which guy hired him.

Macho goes to the ropes and Mr. Perfect trips him. So now everyone thinks Perfect is in Warriors corner. Macho man is understandably upset

vlcsnap-2016-01-27-21h03m18s21 — And feels the middle of his important wrestling match is the right time to have this discussion

During the action, the ref gets knocked out and when Warrior goes for the pin, the ref doesn’t see it. When the ref comes back to, he gets knocked out again by Savage.

As Savage is trying to revive the official, Mr. Perfect attacks the Warrior. So I guess Mr. Perfect is in nobody’s corner.

maxresdefault — Nobody puts Perfect in a corner

The match ends when Ric Flair hits Warrior with a chair. Savage ends up going after Flair and then Perfect and Flair beat him up for awhile and Macho Man is counted out of the ring. Warrior them chases off and then celebrates with Macho Man

Overall: That match was way better than the Wrestlemania one. Nice job everyone!

7. Kamala vs. The Undertaker

Shit! Yes!

vlcsnap-2016-02-11-19h42m40s72 — Awesome!

vlcsnap-2016-02-11-19h47m18s62 — Goddamn Awesome!

Overall: Whew!

8. Intercontinental Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Davey Boy Smith

Man, Bret Hart sure is on a crazy run of “best of the decade” matches, isn’t he? In the past year (of 1991 – 1992) he’s had the crazy good match against Mr. Perfect at the last Summerslam, followed by the crazy good match against Rowdy Piper at Wrestlemania VIII and now this one.

The rumor is that Davey Boy was either high or on no sleep for this match. From Wikipedia:

“Bret Hart later revealed in an interview that he doubted the legitimacy of the injury and that he believed Davey Boy in fact had a drug problem and that in the two months prior to their match he could not contact him to sort out what they were going to do at Wembley, and when they finally got to the stadium Smith revealed that he had not slept in over 48 hours. However, Hart also stated that as bad as Smith’s personal issues were, he “sucked it up” and hit every spot in the match”

The first part is nothing but capital-W Wrestling. It’s Bret and Davey Boy showing off how fantastically better they are then everyone. Lots of quick headlock takedowns, arm bar escape, jockeying back and forth for position while going for quick pin falls. It’s super.

Bret is on offense for most of this match and the crowd pretty quickly turns on him. It’s an interesting storytelling choice to set up Davey Boy as the underdog and it works great. Bret is using really aggressive tactics to sell himself as the temporary heel for the match. They keep cutting to reaction shots of Diana Hart – Bret’s sister and Davey Boy’s wife

vlcsnap-2016-02-11-20h18m30s242 — “God Bret, you’re such an asshole”

After an incredibly one-sided beating that lasts 20 minutes, Davey Boy finally shows some signs of life and goes on offense. He hits Bret with some big, big power moves and Bret keeps kicking out of the pin. They hit the sweet double clothesline and while they’re laying unconscious on the mat, Bret Hart manages to apply the Sharpshooter. He’s the best.

The match ends when Bret Hart misses a sunset flip and Davey Boy falls on him for the pin. Davey Boy gets the belt

Overall: Just a fantastic match and a great SummerSlam. What do you think Diana?

vlcsnap-2016-02-11-20h31m24s70 — Yaaay wrestling! Bret is still a dick though

SummerSlam ’91

January 24, 2016January 24, 2016Michael JamesLeave a comment

1. Ricky Steamboat, The British Bulldog and Texas Tornado vs. Power & Glory with The Warlord

After a hiatus from the WWE, Ricky Steamboat makes his return. Sadly, this marks the start of his unfortunate run as “The Dragon”

vlcsnap-2016-01-03-07h17m16s241 — No longer metaphorical

He never hit the same level of popularity with this gimmick that he did as just plain ole’ Ricky Steamboat. This would mark his only PPV as he quit the WWE a few months after this match.

He also appears to be a bit rusty against the Warlord

wr68b — Okay, so you breath on me and I’ll jump halfway across the ring

The only other thing interesting about this match is in one year, all of these guys are gone from the WWE. Davey Boy lasts the longest, appearing in next years SummerSlam

Overall: This is a good match to start the event.

2. Intercontinential Match: Mr. Perfect vs. Bret the Hitman Hart

This is widely considered one of Bret’s best matches and often appears in lists for best matches of all time. At this point, Mr. Perfect is wrestling with a broken tailbone and herniated disks, so it’s incredibly impressive he managed to pull off this kind of match.

There’s a ton of great back and forth with very few obvious rest holds. You can really tell how much Perfect’s back is bothering him through the whole match, but he barely misses a step

vlcsnap-2016-01-03-07h46m52s83 — For example, this can’t be good for a broken back

The match ends with Mr. Perfect hitting a leg drop, Bret catches his leg (lying down) and converts it into a sharp shooter. Mr. Perfect submits and Bret gets the belt.

Overall: A fantastic match

3. The Natural Disasters vs. The Fucking Bushwhackers

I’m only watching this match in the hopes that the Bushwhackers just get absolutely demolished.

And sure enough, they get destroyed by those fat assholes. The Bushwhackers get a couple seconds of offense at the start, but it’s short lived.

That’s probably a terrifying thing to see from the mat

Overall: Meh

4. Million Dollar Man vs. Virgil

The feud between Virgil and Million Dollar Man continues. While the storyline behind this match was very well done, the actual wrestling itself is nothing spectacular. The match goes on a little too long and ends with Virgil getting the pin and winning the Million Dollar Belt

Virgil Dibiase SummerSlam — Dibiase and Virgil take a time out for a quick nap

Overall: Two very average wrestlers having a very average match that is elevated slightly by the over-the-top fan response to the action

5. The Mountie vs. The Big Boss Man

This is dubbed as a “Jailhouse Match” where the loser needs to spend 24 hours in prison. Because they’re both officers of the law? Sort of? So somehow, this makes sense.

This is another mediocre match with mediocre wrestlers. The crowd is still super pumped for the match, but I can’t generate any interest.

Boss Man wins with a power slam and the Mountie is taken to prison.

vlcsnap-2016-01-03-14h27m19s221 — Uh… what are we actually going to charge him with?

Overall: This SummerSlam is taking a real shitty turn for the worse

5. Tag Team Match: The Road Warriors vs. The Nasty Boyz

WWE had an incredibly shallow Tag Team pool in 1991. Demolition was on the way out, Hart Foundation split… the only other team of note was the Rockers.

10986049_815600488475439_1067291167_n — And God forbid they ever get a title

Legion of Doom pretty effectively takes apart the Nasty Boyz, and wins the title, making them the only Tag Team to win the belt in all three major promotions (WWE, WCW and NWA).

Overall: I’m going to start skipping through this garbage PPV. This is as bad as Wrestlemania II

5. IRS vs. Greg Valentine

Aw, come on. I don’t need to watch this match again, I already watched Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham wrestle the Dream Team of Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake in 1985.

This is the introduction of Mike Rotundo as Irwin R. Schyster aka IRS – a wrestler-slash-accountant obsessed with paying taxes.

After 9 minutes of boring wrestling, IRS beats Valentine clean with a small package

Given the absolute horrible garbage most of this card is, I’d like to point out who the WWE chose to leave in the dressing room in favor of these matches – Undertaker, The Rockers, Tito Santana and Jake Roberts.

Overall: Please, just end this stupid PPV

6. Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior vs. Sgt. Slaughter, Col. Mustafa and General Adnan with Sid Justice as guest referee

This match is mostly remembered for the controversy that followed. As the story goes, Warrior had told McMahon if he didn’t get a raise, he was going to no-show this event. Having no choice, McMahon reluctantly agreed to his demands and Warrior wrestled the match. As soon as it was over, he was fired on the spot.

The Warrior has disputed this version of events saying he quit, but at the post-match celebration in the ring, Warrior is nowhere to be seen.

Hogan Summerslam — Unless he’s the dude outside the ring with the camera? I don’t know, it’s tough to tell what he looks like without his facepaint

Anyway, obviously Hogan won this, and to celebrate he posed down with the officiator, which is standard at most sporting events.

Overall: This entire Summerslam was just a miserable, exhausting experience.

7. Bonus event: Macho Man vs. Miss Elizabeth

Summerslam 1991 was also remembered for the marriage of Macho Man to Elizabeth, even though they had already been married since 1984. But as my wife reminds me, a marriage isn’t official until Vince McMahon says so

vlcsnap-2016-01-03-14h56m09s122 — Hey, is this feather on my hat goddamn ridiculous?

Overall: A very strange end to a very uneven Summerslam

SummerSlam ’90

August 22, 2015November 30, 2017Michael JamesLeave a comment

Before we start reviewing SummerSlam, let’s all take a moment to mourn the passing of Rowdy Roddy Piper. He is commentating on this one with Vince Mcmahon, and as they kick things off, Piper spends the entire segment eye-fucking the camera harder than anything. He’s the best.

This picture is so sexy, looking at it made my Mom pregnant

Anyhoo, on to the matches

1. The Rockers vs. Power (Hercules) and Glory (Paul Roma)

So. Power and Glory, huh? At Wrestlemania, Hercules was a face, so I guess he turned. Or Roma for that matter. Well, whatever.

Before the bell, Hercules attacks Shawn Michaels with his chain and leaves him beaten outside the ring. Marty Jannetty is left to fight by himself.

This is the match that made me really start to respect Marty Jannetty and think he was dramatically under-rated in the WWE. Michaels never gets up from the Hercules attack, so Jannetty needs to wrestle in essentially a handicap match. He carries this whole match by himself and gives an unbelievable performance. This is one of my favorite, favorite matches. If Roma and Hercules were more dynamic or technical wrestlers, I really believe this would have gone down as a classic.

For example, here's Jannetty being thrown 9 feet into the air. — For example, here’s Jannetty being thrown 9 feet into the air. < yawn >

They beat Jannetty pretty quickly, unsurprisingly, but still. Good stuff. This starts to setup the inevitable Rockers breakup.

Overall: Great start to the event

2. Intercontinental Championship Match – Mr. Perfect vs. Texas Tornado

Wikipedia tells me that after Wrestlemania VI, the Ultimate Warrior vacated the belt and Perfect won it during some tournament.

Kerry Von Erich makes his WWE PPV debut here. I’m looking forward to a pretty good match. It starts off entertaining, with Perfect going on offense pretty quickly and playing with Von Erich.

If you can’t tell from the picture, that’s the Texas Tornado grabbing Mr. Perfect’s head. I don’t know what that move is called. I call it “Stupid, Dumb Head Grab”. After that garbage, he spin-punches Perfect and gets the pin. Texas Tornado is the new champion.

Overall: Not a perfect match

3. Sensational Queen Sherri vs. Sapphire

“What in the world is that” – Vince Mcmahon

Well, I’m not actually going to dignify this match with a review. This is 100% a comment on the farce of putting an actual wrestler like Sherri against a nothing like Sapphire. Apparently Sapphire agrees as she refuses to come to the ring. After announcing her twice, she never shows up. Sherri wins by forfeit

Overall: That farce of an ending still beats an actual match

4. Tito Santana vs. The Warlord

I have a sinking feeling that Tito is again going to be used to put over another wrestler on his way to the top. Roddy begins the match by reassuring us that he’s not going to call Tito a bean eater. That’s… great to know Roddy.

Warlord takes control of this match really quickly. I expect Tito is very distracted by how much he looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin

If Stone Cold opened cans of HGH instead of whoop ass

Tito eventually manages to mount some offense and shit, we know what’s coming!

It’s not enough though. Warlord kicks out of the pin and gives him the ole power slam for the pin.

Overall: Ah Tito. Will you ever win?

5. Tag Team Title Match – Demolition vs. Hart Foundation

We now enter the phase when Crush joins demolition. Wikipedia lets me know that the reason they added Crush was because Bill Eadie had developed an allergy to shellfish (which he attributed to his frequent trips to Japan) which hospitalized him, and McMahon wanted to add a third member to the team just in case the illness put Eadie out of action for an extended period of time.

This is a 2 out of 3 falls match, always great to see them switch it up a little.

The match starts with a ton of great action. Neidhart ends up getting hurt outside the ring. Bret Hart does a great job of fending off Smash and Crush but eventually gets pinned after a double team, so Demolition takes the first fall.

Bret continues to get beaten up in the ring and nearly gets pinned a few times, but eventually makes the tag to Neidhart who comes in a house of fire. After some beatings, the Bret goes for the pin, Demolition throws the ref out of the way, and Hart Foundation get the pin by DQ. It’s tied at a fall apiece. During the melee, Ax runs out to the ring and hides under the apron.

Hart Foundation start the last sequence in control with Bret Hart dominating Smash. Pulling an old Killer Bees trick, Smash runs out outside the ring, Ax crawls out from under the apron and starts wrestling. The Ref can’t tell them apart. Ax is totally fresh, so manages to turn the tide on Bret Hart pretty quickly.

Refs are the only group of people for whom this disguise actually works

Then the Road Warriors…. oh wait, that’s the Legion of Doom. Sorry. The LoD come out to interfere and throw the right guy (Smash) in the ring. Or Crush. Or whoever. I can’t tell any of them apart. In the confusion, the Hart Foundation get the pin, the win and the belt!

Overall: Really good match with a great crowd pop when the Hart Foundation got the pin

6. Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. Bad News Brown with Big Boss Man as Guest Referee

I despise “guest referee” matches. You’re almost always guaranteed a fairly crummy match with a ref-based disqualification finish, where one guy ends up fighting the ref. Bleh.

I’d love to see this applied in any other sport. Because the implication of these matches is that the refs are so terrible at their jobs, you need an actual wrestler in the ring to keep control. They should have football players officiate NFL games and have Serena Williams ref every tennis match from now on.

Why even stop there? Why not have Bon Jovi as the first base coach at the world series and then you could have President Obama ref the Stanley Cup.

Oh look, while I was typing, Bad News Brown was disqualified by Big Boss Man and they ended up fighting. Surprise

As shocking as the ending to the 6th sense!!

Overall: This is a very up and down SummerSlam

7. Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Nikolai Volkoff vs. The Orient Express

Yeah, like I said in Wrestlemania VI, I refuse to cover Hacksuck Jim Fuckhead matches anymore. I don’t even give a shit why Nikolai is a good guy now

Overall: Don’t care

8. Dusty Rhodes vs. Macho Man Randy Savage

There’s no reason why this shouldn’t be a good match. Both these guys are great performers in the ring.

As a side spectacle, before the match starts Ted Dibiase comes out and grabs the mic. This whole thing is has a backstory where Sapphire was bought by Ted Dibiase, betraying Dusty Rhodes. For those keeping score at home on their racist-ometer, Ted Dibiase, a rich, white man, has a character where he buys black people and he now owns two.

Ah, WWE. You do make it hard to defend you.

Anyway, as all this stupid, stupid bullshit goes on, Macho Man attacks Dusty from behind to start the match. They go back and forth a bit and Sherri interferes, prompting Dusty to seize the moral high ground from Dibiase by threatening to assault a woman.

Well this match is certainly filled with just a metric fucking ton of moral ambiguity. Macho man hits Dusty with an iron-filled purse and gets the quick pin

Overall: Lots of feelings here

9. Earthquake (with Dino Bravo) vs. Hulk Hogan (with Big Boss Man)

This is literally the first PPV since 1984, that Hogan hasn’t headlined.

For anyone counting, that’s like 16 main event PPVs in a row. I wonder if that’s a record even John Cena beats? I think that’s pretty impressive.

Rather than recap this match, I’m just going to go back and watch Wrestlemania II and watch Hogan / Bundy. Because seriously, this is basically the same match. Lots of Hogan-can’t-get-Earthquake-down-oh-my-god-he-got-him-down followed by oh-my-god-Hogan-won’t-get-up-from-that followed by Hogan hulking the fuck out after two splashes. Honestly, really standard stuff.

The only part of the match that is a deviation is that Jimmy Hart interferes and the action spills outside and Earthquake gets counted out.

Overall: Of course he slammed Earthquake

10. World Heavyweight Championship Cage Match: Rick Rude vs. Ultimate Warrior

I guess Vince McMahon agrees with what I said in my recap of Wrestlemania V and SummerSlam ’89. Rick Rude is one of the few people that can make Ultimate Warrior look like an actual wrestler.

So a cage match, huh? This is the 2nd cage match we’ve seen at a PPV, the first one being Hogan / Bundy in Wrestlemania 2.

Rude and Warrior get right into it and spend the first 5 minutes throwing each other into the cage. Rude gets busted open right away. I rewatched, but I couldn’t see the cut. The Warrior follows right after him with a cut of his own.

I feel like Rick Rude was trying to prove something in this match, but I don’t know what. For example, here he is jumping off the top of the cage, which is a level of acrobatics somewhat out of character for him

Warrior unsurprisingly pulls out the win after beating up Heenan for awhile and then climbing out of the cage

Overall: Third time’s the charm. I remain very impressed by Rude’s ability to pull an actual wrestling match out of the Ultimate Warrior