Survivor Series 1993 Recap


1. Razor Ramon, Randy Savage, Marty Jannetty, and The 1–2–3 Kid vs. IRS, Diesel, Rick Martel, and Adam Bomb


Adam Bomb makes his debut appearance in this kick off match of the 1993 Survivor Series and Macho Man makes his return to the ring after a long hiatus.  He gets a huge, explosive pop from the audience

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On the other hand, 123 Kid gets what could generously be called icy disdain

There is just a ton of talent in the ring.  Razor and Rick Martel start things off and get the crowd fired up with a bunch of quick moves.  Adam Bomb comes out next and the match degenerates into a big guy pushing contest.  Meh.  Fast forward.

Razor goes for the pin and Martel comes out to drop an elbow and break the fall.  Razor rolls out of the way and hits Adam Bomb.  All four of the Adam Bomb team start fighting.  They’re pretty angry at each other. How embarrassing!

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Almost as embarrassing as Macho wearing the same outfit as Marty Jannetty.  Rowr!

123 Kid comes out next and just gets the absolute piss kicked out of him.  It’s really, really entertaining.  Savage comes out and clears house and – much to my genuine surprise – nails Diesel with the elbow and pins him clean

“What a confusing match up this has been” says Vince McMahon.  I completely agree.  We are about 15 minutes into the match and Jannetty has not made a tag yet.  As Macho wrestles, he is distracted by Crush who comes down to ringside – they have a feud going on.

Entertainingly, Crush is on his 3rd iteration of costume / character, and I still don’t think he’s nailing it

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Well fuck you too, WWE Replay!

IRS grabs Macho while he’s distracted and pins him.  Some quick action follows – Razor hits the Razor’s Edge on IRS and gets the pin.  Then IRS hits Razor with a metal briefcase and Razor gets counted out.

It’s down to Jannetty and 123 Kid vs. Martel and Adam Bomb!

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Seriously?  Me?

The ending is a bit of surprise.  123 Kid gets beaten so badly he forgets how to drive.  Again – it’s really, really entertaining.  The match ends with a surprise pin by Jannetty on Adam Bomb and 123 Kid on Martel

Overall: That was a really fun match and a great start to the event


2. The Hart Family (Bret Hart, Owen Hart, Bruce Hart, and Keith Hart) vs Shawn Michaels and His Knights (Shawn Michaels, The Red Knight, The Blue Knight, and The Black Knight)


Why would anyone have thought this was a good idea?  Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart with a bunch of miscellaneous, masked strangers.

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Maybe I’m an actual wrestler, maybe I’m a volleyball player.  You don’t know.

The “Blue Knight” is actually Greg Valentine, but no one knows that.  So let’s pretend I’m a viewer at this event in 1993.  I’m turning over my Pearl Jam cassette on my walkman, loosening my flannel shirt and cheesing my hunger away.  All I’m thinking is if I can get home for the Party of Five premiere.  Why would I even want to watch this?

If you haven’t watched this match, my description won’t do it justice.  The crowd is completely silent, and isn’t reacting to any of the bumps

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THRILL to the action of retired unknown Keith Hart putting a sloppy arm bar on the unknown masked stranger!

This match is 30 unconscionable minutes long and I don’t have enough jokes to make it through the full thing.  Every joke is going to be just pictures of Shawn Michaels “knights” and how they’re fat, stupid assholes.

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I’m a fat, stupid asshole

See?

The Hart Family beats Shawn’s team one at a time until it’s just Shawn Michaels left.  Michaels eliminates Owen Hart with a sneaky pin when Owen bangs into Bret Hart.  Owen gets pissed at Bret and this starts to set up the feud between the two.  The match ends when Shawn Michaels says “screw this” and leaves.

Overall:  What a miserable way to spend 30 minutes


3. The Heavenly Bodies (Jimmy Del Ray and Tom Prichard) vs The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express (Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson)


Hmm.  1993 Survivor Series, you are making it challenging to watch you.  This match is for the “Smokey Mountain Wrestling” championship!!

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Yeah, I don’t actually know who these guys are

Just goes to show you, the WWE roster was brutally thin in 1993.  It really was a growth year.  I’m not going to spend a ton of time with this match, because who are any of these people.  Delightfully, the match goes on for 15 minutes.

The Heavenly Bodies win when they hit one of the guys I’ve never heard of with a tennis racket.  I guess they’re the new Smokey Mountain Champions?

Overall:  At this point, I’ll be glad if the next match has any actual popular wrestlers in it


4. The Four Doinks (The Bushwhackers (Luke and Butch) and Men on a Mission (Mabel and Mo) vs Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger, and The Headshrinkers (Samu and Fatu)


Ah Christ.  It’s the fucking goddamn Bushwhackers dressed up as Doink the goddamn clown.  Jesus shit.

I am not going to be able to watch this match.  I just can’t

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Honestly, who could blame me?

Overall: The Doink team won, but I didn’t actually watch this mess


5. The All-Americans (Lex Luger, The Undertaker and The Steiner Brothers (Rick Steiner and Scott Steiner)) vs The Foreign Fanatics (Yokozuna, Crush, Ludvig Borga, and Quebecer Jacques)


The Undertaker comes out to the biggest pop of the night.  Just deafening.  It’s impossible to oversell how popular the Undertaker was at this point in his career.  He has the whole auditorium on their feet.  Luger also gets a good reaction, but it’s not the same.

This starts off great, lots of quick action to keep the crowd excited.  Very quickly, Rick Steiner is pinned with what looks like some kind of screwed up move by Ludvig Borga

12s2xi

So I’m not actually sure what happened there.

Next up is the elimination of Crush.  In a turnabout of fair play, Macho Man comes in to interfere with the match and gets Crush counted out.  It’s down to 3 v 3.

Jacques beats up Scott Steiner for awhile when Lex comes in.  He wrestles for like 3 minutes and pins Jacques after an elbow off the second rope.  All these eliminations are pretty tame so far.

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Tame like Steiner setting up for a Superplex off the top rope.  Yawn

Yokozuna comes in right after this move and immediately gets the pin on Steiner.  It’s Lex and Undertaker against Yokozuna and Crush.  We’re about 17 minutes into the match and Undertaker has not been in the ring yet.

Finally at about the 20 minute mark he comes in against Yokozuna.  The crowd screams through the whole thing.  Yokozuna hits a fat ass press on the Undertaker but he gets right up.  They spill out of the ring and both get counted out.

That whole thing was pretty fun.

We’re down to Ludvig Borga vs. Lex Lugar which.. meh.  It’s an okay final run.  Lex Lugar nails a cheap flying forearm that makes me wish sweet, sweet Tito Santana was in this PPV.

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ARIB…. ah, it’s just not the same

Overall: That was a very fun match.  So I loved the first and last match and the middle was pure, horrific misery.

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Survivor Series 1992 Recap

 


1. High Energy (Owen Hart and Koko B Ware) vs. The Headshrinkers (Fatu and Samu)


“High Energy” huh?   What was the creative meeting like when they came up with this name?  Was “Exciting Wrestlers” already taken?  Did WCW have rights to “Dynamic Athletes?”

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Jumping Happy Wrestle Friends?

This match is fine I guess.  I didn’t pay a ton of attention because I was trying to think up more stupid tag team names that are worse than “High Energy”.  Young Stallions?  Power and Glory?  Strike Force?

Whatever.  These stupid morons get their asses handed to them by the Headshrinkers.  This makes Koko B Wares last PPV (not counting Royal Rumbles).  So long you bird-themed weirdo.

Overall: Garbage


2. Nailz vs. Big Boss Man


I guess it was in 1992 when Survivor Series stopped the Survivor Series part of the event?

The gimmick here is this is a “nightstick” match where a nightstick is placed at the top of a pole in the corner of the ring.  Whoever manages to get it can use it to beat their opponent.

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The precursor to ladder matches

Given the two people in the ring, it’s no surprise that wrestling is as far away from this match as subtly is from a Michael Bay movie.  It’s power move, try to get the stick.   Power move – stick.  Power – stick.  Powerstick.

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Shit, I have a great idea!

Eventually, Boss Man gets the stick and then he beats Nailz with it.  Yay, I guess.

Overall: Nothing is happening that is making me like Survivor Series to any greater degree


3. Tatanka vs. Rick Martel


Sigh.  Just go read my review from Wrestlemania VIII, it’s the same thing.

For no reason connected with the fight, Doink the Clown comes down to ringside

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AKA the dumbest wrestling gimmick ever

Neither wrestler pays any attention to Doink the Clown and he doesn’t pay any attention to them.  Meanwhile, the crowd doesn’t know what to look at and as a result is pretty quiet, not really focusing on the match

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Which is a shame, because Tatanka is really showing them something

Both guys put on a decent work that ends when Tatanka hits Rick Martel with a back drop.  Doink had nothing to do with the event.

Overall: I guess fine?  And good job Doink?


4. Macho Man and Mr. Perfect vs. Ric Flair and Razor Ramon


This match was supposed to be Macho Man and the Ultimate Warrior, but Warrior had just left the company due to a drug scandal.  Mr. Perfect was added at the last minute.  This was also the start of Mr. Perfect’s run as a babyface.  We’ll see how Mr. Perfect does given how rusty he is.  His last match was against Bret Hart in the 91 SummerSlam as a heel.

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Razor Ramon also was still trying to figure out how many toothpicks he needed (he would eventually settle on 6)

Perfect starts the match off, getting the upper hand – first on Razor Ramon and then on Ric Flair.  Macho tags in and loses the momentum, leading to a very long run where he gets to play the “hero in distress” half of the tag team, giving Mr. Perfect the perfect (ha?) chance to play up his new babyface role.

As Macho is beaten senseless, Mr Perfect teases like he’s going to leave, getting the crowd good and worked up.  After a long run of abuse, Macho finally makes the tag and Mr. Perfect comes in to clear house.  Perfect accidentally runs into the ref and knocks him out.

Perfect nails the Perfectplex, but with no ref, there’s no pin.

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There is a shitload of crazy ab-work though

Chairs are eventually thrown in to the ring and the match ends with a disqualification.  Macho and Perfect get the win

Overall: Pretty good


5. Yokozuna vs. Virgil


Ha!  Goddamn, Virgil has no chance.  There isn’t even a hint of a match to be had here.

This is Yokozuna’s debut and he is a giant, fat intimidating wrestler.  Will Virgil start off by trying to knock over the giant fat guy and then be surprised when he doesn’t knock down the giant fat guy?

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Called it

Poor Virgil.  Yokozuna just destroys him.  There’s a great moment at the end when Yokozuna drops the big leg on Virgil and you can hear the whole audience go “ooooohhh”.

Overall: A nice, big debut for nice, big Yokozuna


6. The Nasty Boys and Natural Disasters vs. Money Inc. and the Beverly Brothers


My DVD went screwy for this match and I had to skip it.  I was really, really happy about that because I really, really didn’t want to watch it.  According to Wikipedia, The Nasty Boys and Natural Disaster won.  I don’t care.  I think this was the only “Survivor Series” part of the match?

Overall: Here’s a picture of Voltron, which is maybe more entertaining than the match we didn’t watch

Voltron
There’s no friggin “maybe” about it

 


7. Undertaker vs. Kamala – Coffin Match


The promo for this match has Undertaker building the actual coffin that will be used in the coffin match.  Why would a zombie monster giant be good at woodworking?

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Why the heck wouldn’t I be? 

I guess the Undertaker liked to explore other vocations if this whole wrestling thing didn’t pan out.

This match is simultaneously dull and great.  Early Undertaker matches were all about pairing the Undertaker against some monster and then having the Undertaker take a crazy amount of punishment before getting up.  There is nothing even remotely resembling wrestling.

Kamala gets the quick upper hand and splashes the Undertaker a bunch of times.  Undertaker gets up, grabs the urn and hits Kamala.  Kamala is unconscious and Undertaker gets the pin.

Next up – nailing Kamala into the urn.  The Undertaker must be nervous, he hammers with all the accuracy of Donald Trump’s casual racism

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I honestly never knew so much of wrestling was basic carpentry

Overall: I just can’t be unhappy with an Undertaker match


8. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels


Some backstory here – Bret Hart dropped the Intercontinental belt to Davey Boy Smith at Summerslam, but then quickly beat Ric Flair for the championship belt.  Shawn Michaels then beat Davey Boy, setting up this match.

We’re starting one of my favorite periods of wrestling.  Due to the steroid scandals of the early 90’s, MacMahon was – for a very short period of time – showing preference for smaller, more agile wrestlers who weren’t obviously made entirely of human growth hormones.

The beginning of this match is just pure wrestling.  No power moves at all, just tons of grappling, takedowns and quick reversals.  It’s great.  It’s a match you would never see today.

Bret really controls the early part of the match using his wrestling power and Shawn Michaels gets frustrated.

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He’s either frustrated or finishing

He uses the power of wrestling frustration to put Bret Hart in a headlock that lasts like 8 minutes.  I’m bored.

Bret turns the table on Michaels with a suplex and goes on a heavy offense.  We’re about a the 20 minute mark and these guys have used a ton of moves on each other.

At the end of the match, Michaels hits Hart with as super kick and then a huge suplex.  After some last scrambling, Michaels goes for a drop kick off the top rope which Bret Hart surprisingly catches and converts into a sharpshooter.

Michaels submits and Hart retains the belt.

Overall: Great match, especially the last 8 minutes.  The 10 minute run in the middle was a bit dry

Survivor Series 1991

Some history before this match starts.  After being beaten by the Ultimate Warrior in Wrestlemania VII, retiring, and then marrying his wife in SummerSlam, Macho Man was mostly on the microphone.

Then this happened:

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Yes, that’s a snake gnawing on Macho Man’s arm because Macho Man is a crazy, crazy lunatic

Macho Man was understandably irritated that Jake Roberts attacked him with a snake and as a result of the attack, Jack Tunney (then president of the WWE) reinstated him, ending his retirement.  It’s the exact same way Michael Jordan returned to basketball I think.

The whole event was slightly gruesome as yes, that was a real snake and yes, it really bit Randy Savage and yes, he really bled all over the ring and yes, I think the people watching at ringside were vaguely horrified

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Yaaay, wrestling?

On with the show!


1. The Mountie, Ted Dibiase, The Warlord, Ric Flair vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper, Bret Hart, Virgil, Davey Boy Smith


So Ric Flair finally makes his entrance into the WWE.  At the start ,Piper calls him out, but the match instead starts with Piper and Dibiase.
There’s a bunch of back and forth with Piper’s team doing most of the offence and they do a good job at keeping the excitement up.  Finally, Piper gets tagged in and takes on Flair.  It’s not stop punches and kicks and the crowd loves it

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Yaaay wrestling!

One interesting thing about this match is all about individual rivalries – it’s Dibiase vs. Virgil, Warlord Vs. Davey Boy, Piper vs. Flair and Hitman vs. The Mountie… although I’m not sure why that one is a rivalry?

Eventually Ric Flair eliminates Davey Boy, but not before Davey Boy does this to the Mountie

wtvfn
Insert your own joke about Queen Elizabeth and the Canadian Parliamentary system

What follows is a long six minutes of general wrestling with a heavy emphasis on submission holds.  Piper puts the figure four on Flair, the Mountie puts the Boston Crab on Piper, Warlord puts the Full Nelson on Virgil.

The Warlord is then pinned by Piper with some help from Bret Hart.  The match ends in a quintuple disqualification when everyone gets in the ring and pisses off the ref, I guess.

With everyone disqualified, Flair wins the match

Overall: Piper, Flair and Hart kept this entire match more entertaining than it had any right to be


2. Sgt. Slaughter, Jim Duggan, The Texas Tornado, and Tito Santana vs. Col. Mustafa, The Berzerker, Skinner, and Hercules (with Mr. Fuji and General Adnan)


Who the hell is Skinner?

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An influential American psychologist?

I don’t remember him at all.  And the Beserker?  Man, 1991 sure loved it’s Warlord / Barbarian / Conan-themed wrestlers, didn’t it?

And Tito Santana has now been re-branded as “The Matador”, also spelling the beginning of the end for his career in the WWE.  And Slaughter is now a good guy after WM VII.  Man, there’s lots of stuff to catch up on here.

Anyway, let’s start this whole recap off on the right foot

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With a flying forearm BABY

Welp, I’m happy now.  I barely even care what happens in the rest of this match.

And it’s a good thing too, because you know what happens?  Nothing!  This match is boring as shit.  I entertain myself by noticing how much Sgt. Slaughter looks like Woody Harrelson’s character in Kingpin:

Slaughter
Seriously, it’s uncanny

The face team knocks off the heel team one after the other.

Overall: Not even sweet, sweet Tito Santana and a flying forearm could save this stinker


Interlude


Between matches there is an interview with Jake Roberts.  It’s completely uneventful, except for one thing.  Below is the sweater he’s wearing Nov 27, 1991 when Summerslam was taped.

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This is the outfit he wore in a Brother Love segment around Feb, 1991, 10 months earlier:

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Is.. is that the only sweater Jake Roberts owns?  If not, is it his favorite sweater?  If it is – why?  Why would that be his favorite sweater?  It’s quite literally the ugliest sweater ever.

This SummerSlam is full of surprises


3. World Championship Title Match: Hulk Hogan vs. The Undertaker


I did not remember the Undertaker getting a title shot this early.  Is this the only time these two ever fought?  I think it is.

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Early Undertaker intimidated strictly through the size of his tie

While it’s kind of neat to see these two in the ring together, this is mostly a very dull match.  Hogan never mounts an offense, so it’s just 10 minutes of the Undertaker applying choke holds.

There’s some minor excitement at the end when Hogan hulks the fuck out and slams the Undertaker, but that’s about it.

Thanks to some interference by Ric Flair, Undertaker tombstones Hogan onto a steel chair and gets the pin and the belt.  Hogan would go on to get the belt back a week later under equally chaotic circumstances, leading to the belt being vacated and up for grabs for the winner of the 1992 Royal Rumble

Overall: Fun, but a very mediocre match


4. The Nasty Boyz and The Beverly Brothers (Beau Beverly and Blake Beverly) vs The Rockers and The Fucking Bushwhackers


This match has some historical significance as it directly to the events of the now-legendary Barbershop where Shawn Michaels superkicks Marty Jannetty and puts him through a plate glass window

The action in this match is pretty good.  Jannetty is on his A game and it’s just so disappointing how he ended up.   This would be his last PPV for awhile as he’d be let go from the WWE shortly after this due to an altercation with a police officer.

In the match itself, both the Bushwhackers are eliminated pretty quickly, leaving just the Rockers against both the Nasty Boyz and The Beverly Brothers.  The Rockers get absolutely creamed for 10 minutes until this happens:

wu03e
In all fairness, this is a completely legitimate reason to superkick someone through a plate glass window

With Michaels gone, Jannetty gives it his all, but he is finished off pretty quickly by one of the Nasty Boys

Overall: A pretty good match and the last time the Rockers would appear together in a PPV


5. The Road Warriors and Big Boss Man vs The Natural Disasters and IRS


So this is the final match of the Survivor Series.  There’s nothing too great about this very average match.

Big Boss Man is eliminated after about 5 minutes by IRS and then the Road Warriors just plow through the remaining team for the win

Overall: Meh. I really never liked the Road Warriors that much.  Once you get past their legitimately cool look, they’re not good enough wrestlers to be entertaining.  What did the Undertaker think?

Hogan Undertaker
Undertaker says “Hold on just a fucking second Hogan, I’m closing off this blog post”

Survivor Series ’90


1. The Perfect Team – (Demolition [Ax, Smash, Crush] and Mr. Perfect) vs. The Ultimate Team – (Legion of Doom, Ultimate Warrior and Texas Tornado)


So.  The World Wrestling Champion is in a kickoff match in a PPV.  I literally cannot think of one other time when this has happened.  This really is a signal of how fundamentally the Warrior’s Championship run did not work out the way WWE / Vince McMahon intended.

On the other hand, skipping ahead to the final match tells me that the Warrior is in that one as well.  So… yeah.  That kind of steps all over my original point.  This is awkward.

Early on in the match, the Ultimate Warrior ducks under a clothesline that Ax did not throw.  I will always provide a gif of the Warrior fucking up in the ring, because he’s a terrible, terrible wrestler.

The script says I duck, so you better believe I'm going to goddamn duck
The script says I duck, so you better believe I’m going to goddamn duck

Let’s be clear about why I pick on the Warrior so much, and what I mean about him being a terrible wrestler.  It’s not that he has a limited arsenal of moves (although he does), it’s not that his matches are the same matches every time (they are) and it’s not that he doesn’t know how to sell a move (he doesn’t).  I mean that technically, he is a terrible wrestler.  He does not understand how to do pull off the moves, his timing is horrible and he is always out of synch with the other guy in the ring.  More than any other wrestler in history, he makes wrestling look fake.

Anyway, he pins Ax.

Hawk comes in for a long run after that.  As he’s about to pin Smash, the rest of Demolition jumps in and Animal comes in as well.  They mix it up for too long and the ref disqualifies them both.  It’s now just Mr. Perfect vs. Ultimate Warrior and Texas Tornado

Ohhhhhh what a rus- shit, I'm disqualified?
Ohhhhhh what a rush- shit, I’m disqualified?

Perfect goes against the Tornado and after some good back and forth ends up pinning him clean with the Perfect Plex.  Now it’s just Warrior and Perfect.

Perfect takes early control, but limits himself to punches and kicks, keeping the match at the Warriors skill level.  Eventually, for no reason, the Warrior comes to life, throws two shoulder blocks and pins Perfect, just like he always does

Just so I'm clear, we hate it when a wrestler always wins with the exact same moves, right?
Just so I’m clear, we hate it when a wrestler always wins with the exact same moves, right?

Overall: A really shitty match and a pretty crummy kickoff to the Survivor Series


2.  The Dream Team (Dusty Rhodes, Koko B Ware, Hart Foundation) vs. Million Dollar Team (Honky Tonk Man, Greg Valentine, Ted Dibiase and THE FUCKING UNDERTAKER)


Holy shit, the Undertaker!!  The first PPV with the Undertaker!!

!!!!!!
!!!!!!

The goddamn Undertaker.  The Undertaker!  The match starts and UNDERTAKER!

!!!!
!!!

Koko B Ware and so long because the Undertaker.

!!!!
!!!!

Then some non-Undertaker stuff happens and Honky Tonk is eliminated and then Neidhart.

Honestly, who gives a shit
Honestly, who gives a shit

Eventually, more Undertaker!!  Dusty Rhodes!  So long loser!

!!!
!!!

Sadly, more non-Undertaker wrestling.  He chases Dusty Rhodes to the dressing room and gets counted out.  So there is now no more Undertaker in this match, so… why am I even here?  I mean, Hart manages to eliminate Greg Valentine and it’s awesome.  And sure, he has a great finishing match against Dibiase.  And I guess it’s kind of cool how Dibiase manages to squeeze out a legitimate win.

But still.  None of this is Undertaker-related.

Overall: Too little Undertaker


3. The Vipers  (Jake “The Snake” Roberts, The Rockers, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka”) vs. The Visionaries (“The Model” Rick Martel, Hercules and Paul Roma [Power and Glory] and the Warlord)


I’m immediately biased against this match because it stars the Warlord.  The very same Warlord that beat my favorite wrestler, Tito Santana at the last PPV.  On the other hand, it also has the Rockers, with my very favorite wrestler Marty Jannetty

As I write this, it’s about 3 months after Snuka was arrested for the murder of his girlfriend.

Snuka
How unexpected

As he enters the ring, Gorilla calls him the Phenom.  I wonder how many wrestlers he tried that title on before it stuck with the undertaker.

Jannetty starts this match against the Warlord and is awesome.  He’s just so quick and high energy that’s it’s hard not to be entertained.   Really, there’s just a ton of talent in this match.

hip toss
For example whatever this move is

This era is notable for the WWE’s attempt to turn Rowdy Roddy Piper into a commentator.  It feels like it should work, he was one of the more gifted guys on the mic.  Sadly, he couldn’t convert the talent.  He is simply horrible, horrible commentator.  Most of it is:

“YEESSS!  GO SHAWN MICHAELS!  WOO! THIS GUY IS AWESOME!  YES!  GET HIM!”

As I’m typing, Jannetty goes for a flying cross body against the Warlord who catches him and coverts it to a power slam.  Jannetty is eliminated.  Some more action and then Warlord throws Shawn Michaels 32 feet into the air

Back Drop
Wheee!

There’s some less exciting back and forth after that, and the Model gets a cheap pin on Snuka.  It’s now 4 to 2 for the heels.

The lopsided beating continues, eventually culminating in Power and Glory hitting their finisher, the “Power Plex”.  It’s actually pretty cool, Hercules suplexes Michaels off the top rope and just as they hit the mat, Roma nails the splash off the top rope.

Power Plex
This.  They do this

Now it’s just Jake left and I have to tell you, I don’t like his chances.  He manages to hit Warlord with the DDT, but the refs back was turned.  He chases Martel out of the ring with his snake and gets counted out.  The Visionaries win the match

Overall: Not a bad little match


4. The Natural Disasters (Earthquake, Dino Bravo, The Barbarian and Haku) vs. The Hulkamaniacs (Tugboat, Hacksuck Fuck Shithead, Big Boss Man and Hulk Hogan)


Big Boss man has made so many heel / face turns you’d think he was a runway model.  A fat, racist runway model.

The match starts off with Hacksuck and I refuse to recap anything else while he is in the ring.  God, I hate him so much.

Hacksuck finally tags out and the match starts with Big Boss Man vs. Haku.  Haku is eliminated in no time flat as Big Boss man hits the side suplex.  Then the Barbarian comes in.

At this point in the WWE, they had the Warlord, the Barbarian, Hawk, Animal, Smash, Crush and Ax.  They really wanted to explore every possible facet of the “crazy, brawling, face painted, lunatic” didn’t they?

Hacksuck comes in and he’s awful.  Jimmy Hart interferes so Hacksuck goes for the 2×4 and is disqualified.  Jesus fucking Christ.  How many matches end with that stupid, stupid asshole getting disqualified?  Hold on, I’m going to go check the records:

Survivor Series 87 – Eliminated by count out
Wrestlemania IV – Beaten by Dibiase
Survivor Series 88 – Disqualified due to 2×4
Royal Rumble 89 – Win due to 2×4
Wrestlemania V – Double disqualification (no 2×4)
SummerSlam 89 – Win due to 2×4
Survivor Series 89 – Win due to 2×4
Royal Rumble 90 – Win due to getting hit with a nightstick from Big Boss Man
Wrestlemania VI – Clean loss to Earthquake

Well isn’t that interesting.  As it turns out, going for the 2×4 is literally Hacksucks best chance to win a match.  He has literally no clean wins under his belt.  Like not one legitimate pin in 10 PPV’s.  He.  Is.  The.  Worst.

Hogan comes out to wrestle Earthquake.  We just saw this exact same match at SummerSlam, so there’s not a ton of excitement to this.  Bravo tags in and Hogan hits him with the small package for the pin.

Okay, this was actually unexpected
Okay, this was actually unexpected

Next, Big Boss Man take on Earthquake.  Boss Man goes to the top rope and hits Earthquake with a flying body press that… Earthquake catches.  That’s actually really goddamn impressive.  He caught like 280 pounds in the air.  After that he just takes Big Boss Man apart and gets the pin.  We’re down to Hogan / Tugboat against Earthquake / Barbarian.

Tugboat has literally not stepped foot in the ring at this point.

Hogan comes back out to take on Earthquake and keeps going for the body slam.  It’s a mistake and he collapses under the weight of all that ham.

He makes a dramatic tag to tugboat who finally squares off against Earthquake…. for all of like 11 seconds.  They get dragged outside the ring and everyone gets counted out.

Weird, it's almost like carrying 380 extra pounds of fat doesn't add to your stamina
Weird, it’s almost like carrying 380 extra pounds of fat doesn’t add to your agility to climb in and out of the ring

So now it’s just Hogan and Barbarian and I’m going to finish the recap here.  You know what happens, Hulk will hulk the fuck out and get the pin.

Shocking!
Shocking!

Overall: Really dull, predictable match


5. The Alliance (Nikolai Volkoff, Tito Santana, and The Bushwhackers) vs The Mercenaries (Sgt. Slaughter, Boris Zhukov, and The Orient Express )


The only reason I am going to bother watching or recapping this match at all is on the off chance Tito Santana hits someone with the sweet sweet flying forearm

You got it buddy!
You got it buddy!

Wow, right off the bat, Tito eliminates Boris Zhukov.  And in like the next 30 seconds, one of the Bushwhackers eliminates one of the Orient Express.  Man, the only thing that would make this match better is Tito hitting another sweet, sweet flying forearm

No problem!
No problem!

Now it’s just Slaughter vs. everyone.   I’m going to guess this match ends pretty quickly.  I wonder if the previous matches ran long and they told the gang to speed this one up?

As Slaughter gets the upper hand, the crowd starts chanting “USA!  USA!”.  Good job crowd!  That chant will really get the Mexican, the 2 Australians and the Russian fired up!

Some really uneventful wrestling follows, none of which involves Tito Santana, so I don’t care.  In a very surprising turn of events, Slaughter ends up eliminating both Volkoff and the Bushwhackers, making a match of this.  What the hell is this, why isn’t this match over?

Wait, when did Slaughter face Hogan in Wrestlemania?

Oh, there you go, it was Wrestlemania VII, the next one coming up.  So this entire match is to show how dominant and unstoppable Slaughter is so the match against Hogan isn’t a total joke.

Tito Santana nails a third flying forearm and is about to win, but some interference gives Tito the win by DQ.

Overall: This match had three Tito Flying Forearms.  It is unquestionably the greatest match in all of WWE history.


6. The Face Team (Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, and Tito Santana) vs The Heel Team (Ted DiBiase, Rick Martel, The Warlord, and Power and Glory)


I guess the way this worked is that the previous survivors fight in this final match.  But it only applies to the previous 3 matches, not the previous 5.  I’m… really confused, but whatever.

Before the match starts, they cut to Mean Gene standing in front of a giant egg.  The egg hatches and this pops out

I disprove the existence of God
I disprove the existence of God

The turkey-monster grabs Mean Gene to the middle of the ring to dance while “Turkey in the straw” plays over the loudspeaker.

What the hell is even happening?

The antics go on for like 10 minutes.  Okay, they obviously needed to give everyone some more time to prep in the dressing room.

The match starts and before you can blink, Tito hits the Warlord with the sweet, sweet Flying Forearm and gets the pin.

Holy shit!
Holy shit!

The audience barely has time to react, it happened so fast.  Dibiase comes in and gets another quick elimination on Tito.  This match is unrolling at a clip.

Hogan gets the sand pounded out of him for awhile, until Power and Glory hit the Power Plex.  Hogan kicks out and pins Roma.  Hogan and Warrior take turns beating on the Model, who eventually leaves the match and runs back to the dressing room.  It’s now Hogan / Warrior against Dibiase and Hercules.

Hogan faces off against Dibiase and just demolishes him.  He pins him clean and then it’s time for Warrior to jump in and take out Hercules.  Just like that, the match is over.

Cena Forever!!
Cena Forever!!

Overall: A very abrupt end to a very uneven Survivor Series

 

 

Survivor Series ’89


1. Big Boss Man / Bad News Brown / Rick Martel / Honky Tonk Man vs. Tito Santana / Brutus Beefcake / Red Rooster / Dusty Rhodes


I am simply ridiculous
I am simply ridiculous

Well this sure is a murderers row of c-list talent.  AND Tito Santana.  And Tito is still wearing his strike force tights.  He simply cannot let go of his breakup with Rick Martel.  Listen Tito, Tom Zenk feels the same way

"He told me this picture was just for him!" - A betrayed Tom Zenk
“He told me this picture was just for him!” – A betrayed Tom Zenk

Tito starts things off.  Him and Honky go at it, followed by a tag to Rick Martel.  Because he’s fantastic, Tito keeps the pace up with a series of high impact movies.  Next up, Dusty comes out to take on Big Boss Man.  Some good back and forth and then they tag in Brutus and the match immediately shifts to low gear.

Fortunately the heat picks up once the goddamn ridiculous Red Rooster comes in.  He gets off like two moves and then Honky Tonk tags in to start beating him up.  I expect this beating to last awhile, so I settle in with some popcorn.

Tito and Martel eventually make it in the ring together and have a fantastic 4 minute run.  Unfortunately the Model gets the pin and Tito is eliminated.

Like this
Like this

After Tito leaves, Rooster comes in and gets beaten by everyone for a solid 7 minutes.  It culminates with Big Boss Man accidentally hitting Bad News Brown when Rooster ducks away from a move.  Bad  News ends up leaving.  I wonder when we’ve seen this before?

Honky and Beefcake go at it next.  It’s about 4 minutes of wrestling and then quite strangely, Brutus hits a high knee and gets a clean pin on Honky.  It’s now 3 against 2.  Martel comes in to face Beefcake and has all the momentum.   Against all odds, Beefcake manages to hit a reverse sunset flip and gets the pin on Martel.

It’s just the Boss Man left by himself.  Rooster comes in and Boss Man demolishes him in about 30 seconds flat and pins him quickly.

Rooster, regretting every aspect of his life leading to this point
Rooster, regretting every aspect of his life leading to this point

Dusty comes in next and hits Boss Man with a high cross body.  He gets the pin and the match is over.  Unfortunately for Dusty, Boss Man grabs his nightstick and beats everyone senseless.

Dusty Rhodes, victorious
Dusty Rhodes, victorious

Overall: Good start to the PPV


2. Macho Man / Greg Valentine / Dino Bravo / Earthquake vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan / Ronnie Garvin / Bret Hart / Hercules


Earthquake makes his debut in a PPV as the “Canadian Earthquake”.   I’m going to predict this match somehow ends with Hacksaw hitting someone with a 2×4.  The only reason I’m excited for this match is the potential to see Macho Man against Bret Hart.  They never really faced off one on one, so this is my only chance to see them.

The action starts off with a ton of tags, and a bunch of guys in the ring, but no Macho against Hart, so I don’t care.  Earthquake sits on Hercules and gets a fast pin.  Garvin and Valentine end up in the ring together and because they’re having a feud it’s supposed to be exciting, but it’s not.  Hacksaw gets a tag behind Valentine’s back, hits him with a clothesline for the 1-2-3.  It’s now a 3 on 3 match.

Still no Macho vs. Hart.

More wrestling happens and nobody, anywhere cares because why isn’t Macho wrestling Bret Hart.

Then finally it happens and the crows goes absolutely insane.  Literally just getting them in the ring together is enough to bring everyone to their feet.

This picture alone is so hot it should be flagged NSFW
This picture alone is so hot it should be flagged NSFW

They trade a few moves back and forth, and after about 45 seconds, Macho tags out.  Well that was a bit of a tease.  Dino Bravo ends up in the ring with Ronnie Garvin and nails my colleague’s favorite move, the side suplex.  He gets an easy pin and Garvin is gone.

Another couple of tags and it’s Macho against Bret again!  They exchange some moves, with Bret keeping the upper hand.  Macho tags out and the momentum shifts against Hart.  Bravo, Macho Man and Earthquake take turns against him.

Then this happens
Then this happens

Macho hits the flying elbow, and Bret is eliminated.  It’s Hacksuck on a 3 against 1.  Honestly, I barely care what happens now.  Hacksuck wrestles for awhile, falls out of the ring when Sherri interferes and gets counted out.  Then Hacksuck hits people with his 2×4.  As predicted.  The end.

Overall: Please, let this be Hacksaws last PPV

 


3. Ted Dibiase / Zeus / The Powers of Pain Barbarian and Warlord vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts / Demolition Ax and Smash / Hulk Hogan


Interesting that Hogan is not the main event for the first PPV since we’ve started recapping these events.  It’s a measure of how ungodly popular the Ultimate Warrior was.  And hey, it’s still Zeus!

Did.. did he paint on a unibrow?
Did.. did he paint on a unibrow?

We kick off with Hogan and Zeus and a complete repeat of SummerSlam with Zeus no-selling every move Hogan puts on him.  Zeus starts to choke Hogan.  The ref can’t get him off, so he disqualifies him.  At first I think it’s an incredibly strange way to start the match, but then Jesse mentions that Hogan and Zeus are meeting in “No Holds Barred” a one-time PPV held in December.  So it makes sense they wouldn’t spoil the match now.

This match is a pretty boring affair.  The crowd is pretty quiet and even Jesse and Gorilla go blank on commentary for long stretches.  Barbarian (or Warlord, whatever) gets a pin on Ax thanks to some outside interference by Mr. Fuji.

At this point my DVD goes kind of wonky.  I wonder if this is fate telling me something about how dull this match is?  I skip ahead just as Smash is getting eliminated by The Warlord (or Barbarian, whatever).

Hogan has a pretty decent run against the Powers of Pain, which culminates in double team and a spike piledriver, which is a move you don’t see to often.

Why yes, our Insurance does in fact cover neck injuries, why do you ask Mr. Hogan?
Why yes, our Insurance does in fact cover neck injuries, why do you ask Mr. Hogan?

The ref then disqualifies both of the Powers of Pain for the double team, which is something you never see.  Now it’s Hogan and Jake against Dibiase.  Dibiase manages to eliminate Jake with the help of Virgil, but Hogan hulks the fuck out and gets the win.

Overall: So so.  Decent mid-card match


4. Mr Perfect / The Rougeaus / Rick Rude vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper / Jimmy Snuka / The Fucking Bushwhackers


I just realized that Rick Rude would be perfect to play OmniMan aka Nolan Grayson from the Invincible comics if they ever turned it into a movie

I'm sure most of the fans of late 80's WWE are also fans of Robert Kirkman's Invincible
I’m sure most of the fans of late 80’s WWE are also fans of Robert Kirkman’s Invincible

I gotta come clean gang. I’m not really going to pay attention to, or recap this match.  I just hate the Bushwhackers too much and I’ve already sat through a match with Hacksuck.  I’m going to be really factual on this one

Superfly eliminates Jaques
Piper eliminates Raymond
Perfect eliminates one of the fucking bushwhackers
Rude eliminates the other fucking bushwhacker
Piper and Rude get double counted out
Perfect eliminates Snuka

Overall: Despite not providing details, this actually wasn’t a bad match once the Bushwhackers were eliminated.  The final run between Perfect and Snuka was actually quite exceptional and one of the highlights of the whole PPV

 


5. Andre the Giant / Haku / Arn Anderson / Bobby Heenan vs.  Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart / Shawn Michaels / Marty Jannetty / Ultimate Warrior



The match starts off before the Warrior even enters.  Neidhart bravely attacks Andre the Giant and gets absolutely pounded for his problems, when Warrior runs in, knocks Andre over the top and gets him counted out.

Huh.  It’s like 30 seconds into the match.  So now we have Arn Anderson and Haku (and Bobby Heenan) against 4 guys.  What a strange main event.  Andre finally comes to and wants to discuss his elimination with the ref

< incoherent gibberish >

While this action is going on outside, Haku takes advantage of the situation and gets the upper hand on Neidhart.  A quick kick to the back of the head and Neidhart is eliminated

Everyone loves Quick Kick
Everyone loves Quick Kick

Jannetty comes in for some action and the momentum is all with Haku and Arn Anderson.  Another quick kick to the face of Jannetty and they tag in Heenan to get the pin.  It’s now 2 on 3.

Some things happen after that, but none of them matter because at around the 15 minute mark, Shawn Michaels uses Arn Anderson’s face as a vacuum cleaner

This is the greatest gif ever created
This is the greatest gif ever created

I’m not at all clear why or how that’s a move, but I don’t care.  Eventually Michaels ends up on the top rope where Ultimate Warrior basically throws him at Haku for the high cross body.

"I don't remember ordering a flying Shawn Michaels" - Haku, seconds before the pin
“Since when could Shawn Michaels fly?” – Haku, seconds before the pin

Michaels gets the pin and it’s technically 2 on 2, even though one of those is Bobby Heenan.  Arn and Michaels go at it for a really entertaining run, that sadly does not end with another Arn Anderson vacuum.  It does however end with Michaels getting pinned and it’s now just the Warrior left.

Warrior makes pretty quick work of Arn Anderson and then it’s just Bobby Heenan against the Warrior.  The crowd thrills to the excitement of a 280 pound body builder assaulting a man half his size with no fighting ability!

Ho hum, Warrior gets the pin

Overall: Not a bad little match and a very okay Survivor Series!